


Hunger Games: Ahgase

by ItsJaneyDanny



Series: JJP Hunger Games Series [4]
Category: GOT7, Hunger Games Series - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hunger Games Setting, Drug Addiction, Eventual Smut, First Time, Hunger Games-Typical Death/Violence, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Drug Use, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:34:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 135,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25985215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ItsJaneyDanny/pseuds/ItsJaneyDanny
Summary: The cost of freedom would always be high. Following the successful battle of District 5, and the rescue mission Jinyoung faces the growing war head on seeking to bring it to a swift end. Jaebeom faces his own mental struggles with his past and what happened to him. Torn apart they must struggle to find their way back together.The fights ahead will intensify and Jinyoung must find out who the true enemy is and face that the war inside himself is one for his own existence.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Series: JJP Hunger Games Series [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1839313
Comments: 156
Kudos: 65





	1. Strength

**Author's Note:**

> !!!!Trigger Warning!!!!!! to readers, The sequences that start this chapter are denoted between two blocks of **************** within those blocks there are potentially triggering things as it touches on thoughts of planned s*icide. If you wish to skip these potentially triggering passages scroll from where the "*" block firsts appears to where it appears again and you'll be past it.

******************************************************************

One year earlier.

******************************************************************  
_Nightmares…_

_…_

_He tossed, sweat coated his body._

_…_

_“JUNGKOOK DON’T,” Jinyoung shouted and ran. He ran with all his might to get there before it happened. His eyes widened as he watched the sword as it easily cut through the small boy. He wasn’t fast enough, in dreams no matter how many times he tried, he was never fast enough to stop it._

_“JUNGKOOK!” He screamed. He screamed and cried and tried to turn back time… The forest was cold, icy cold in his veins. Blood stained the snow a bright red hue that haunted his every moment._

_“It’s going to be okay now,” A voice spoke in his mind as he ran towards where Jungkook had fallen, the snow was thick on the ground. He couldn’t move fast enough to stop it because it was difficult to move through the snow banks. He stumbled before Jungkook to reach for the small boy. Snow fell from the sky, snow that wasn’t natural… the game makers made it fall on them. He realized that when he thought back to that moment._

_“No,” Jinyoung cried, “no please you can’t go. I have to save you.” He closed his eyes as he pulled the small boy close to himself. “I have to save you.” The games meant it was kill or be killed but in the middle of all of it, Jinyoung didn’t want to live that way. For no space of time had he wanted to live that way. He’d wanted to live and for others to live._

_He hadn’t asked to win._

_He’d never asked to cry in the snow fall, as the nation watched him being ripped apart. His humanity torn away from him in a cruel game of survival. If going home meant becoming a monster, he would have rather not gone home._

_“Jinyoung,” He opened his eyes and looked down and was horrified as he realized the child in his arms was Youngjae. The scene had changed, but the snow remained. It fell around him, icy and cold as he held onto the body of his brother, warm in his arms. Warm and alive but broken, breaking. Jinyoung gasped as he could see Youngjae was bleeding, a gash in his abdomen so large that his blood spilled into the snow and onto Jinyoung. Staining Jinyoung. Jinyoung cried desperate and put his hand against the wound as if he could close it._

_“Youngjae don’t,” Jinyoung cried and sobbed, “don’t, don’t please don’t.” He’d gone in to save his brother, he couldn’t lose his brother. Of everything he was he couldn’t lose his baby brother. Youngjae was everything he had left in the world._

_“Jin—— Jinyoung…” Youngjae started to choke._

_“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung cried, he felt so helpless, “I’m sorry, please don’t go.” He couldn’t fix the damage, he couldn’t escape the nightmare. It held him under, like being underwater unable to breathe or escape. He couldn’t force his way to the surface though he was aware he was dreaming… he was trapped._

_“Jin…young…” Youngjae’s eyes shut and he breathed out and went stiff, cold, lifeless as Jinyoung sobbed. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to loose his brother. He didn’t want to loose him. Tears streamed down his face. The dream he’d dreamt so many times, because his worst fears had become melded with those things he’d endured. They kept taking from him, every last piece that he had left of himself._

_“No Youngjae,” Jinyoung choked out sobs, “Youngjae!” His body disappeared from his arms. He sat back in his knees looking at the blood on his hands in the snow. The smell of it was in his nostrils. Metallic…_

_IT’S YOUR FAULT_

_Jinyoung cried as voices spun around him like the bursts of snow that broke out. The white snow was stained red with blood. He cried as he looked up at it. There was a fire beyond._

_YOU DID THIS_

_He cried, he wanted it to stop._

_“PLEASE STOP,” Jinyoung put his hands against his head, “PLEASE!”_

…

Jinyoung woke up screaming, please stop as best he could with the feeling that his chest was caving in. He tried to cry out and his breath was caught in his throat. He couldn’t breathe. It was so real, so real, he couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t breathe and he didn’t want to see it again. He cried out, he couldn’t breathe. He was hyperventilating, it was happening to him again, his heart was racing at a high speed within his chest. There was no way out, no way to escape the images. Every time he shut his eyes the images haunted him and If he couldn’t catch his breath he would pass out again and he would see them again.

The games. 

The events of the games couldn’t be erased from his mind. He cried and rocked himself back and forth trying to remind himself it was over, he was safe, he would never have to experience it again. He had to get his own panic to stop. He had to somehow breathe. I couldn’t tear the memories from his mind, they plagued him and played over and over. It flashed before his eyes over and over. He didn’t feel like it had ended, like it could end. He didn’t feel safe.

He couldn’t breathe, the panic was strong coursing through his body. He reached but there was no one there, no way to get out. No one was there to guide him out of the haze, he reached for nothing as he tried to find a way out. The forest was dense before him, the snow kept falling. But fire. It was on fire, he couldn’t see even though there was so much light. 

He tried to call out with everything within him he tried to call out. He felt like a hand was holding his throat, like a weight was pushing at his chest. He couldn’t breathe so he couldn’t cry out for help. No one could hear his sputtered attempts at breathing through the walls that surrounded him. Tears streamed down his face and he couldn’t scream out for someone to help him. No one was there to help him. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe.

It scared him so much, he knew he would pass out from it and if it didn’t stop when he did he could die from it. He was afraid because if he passed out the images would come back and if he died… if he died… He tried to scream again, his thoughts were like a swirling storm threatening everything that he was, threatening his life. It was poison, running through the pathways in his mind and searching for a way to make it’s torment play out. He was powerless, insane, those thoughts ruled.

It didn’t stop and he let his body go as he fell into unconsciousness. It was brief, that was what he thought when he woke up and his head hurt. He woke up and upon waking found he could breathe. His instincts had taken over to stop the sputtering of his breath. His body had forced him to breathe, forced him to keep going. He was shaking, his head was pounding. Everything was dark around him. 

The sun was just rising. 

He curled his body as small as he could make himself in his bed, tears streamed down his face. He felt more alone than he ever had in his life. He was entirely alone… He’d been desperate but no one had come, no one stayed with him. They’d all left him on his own. He couldn’t keep going the way he was. The pain was ripping him apart piece by piece. The fear of what had happened in his darkest moments and the fear that it could happen again. He was so scared because he knew more than anything that the games weren’t the end of the torture. They had brought so much fear and paranoia into his life.

They had broken him. The Capitol had broken him with their games. He couldn’t push past the memories. His life had become a back and forth existence of hope to make it through and loss of hope entirely. He remembered the final moments of the games like he was still living in them. He’d collapsed to his knees in the icy snow, he’d put his life down as forfeit in that field because he’d wanted to die. He hadn’t wanted to be the victor.

What he wanted didn’t matter, Jinyoung had lived— no… he’d survived just like his whole life he’d just survived. He’d known for a long time surviving wasn’t living. Surviving had once been his way to protect his brother, but after his win his family would always have whatever they needed. They would be cared for with or without Jinyoung. He was so tired of fighting through the feeling that he had gone insane. The images in his mind, the nightmares, the paranoia and the fear that threatened him every sleeping and every waking moment.

He couldn’t shake the things that had happened in the games and what they had done to him. He was more afraid of falling asleep and seeing those images again than of dying… 

Dying.

He’d wanted to die. It had been the way out of the arena he’d practically begged for…

He stood up from his bed, he felt dizzy and unbalanced from the stress his body had been through. Day after day things had gone wrong, he couldn’t push past it. He stumbled and leaned against the oak of his bedroom door. He took a breath, his lungs felt like they were burning. He opened the door and walked out of his room, there was no one there. No one in the halls, he saw no one in the house. He wondered how long it had been since he’d been left alone, no one had come to find him. No one had checked in to see if he was still there. No one cared that he was falling apart and losing his grip on reality. There was no one to come for him. Jungkook had died. Sana had died. He was left with nothing but a single unfulfilled desire.

It would be easy, the poison twisted it’s way, paths in his brain. Carved out from days and days of struggles, it was too easy. 

He walked down the halls, down the stairs, to the door. One more door. He opened it and the warmth of the early autumn morning greeted him. It was the only warmth he ever got. There was nothing he could do but stumble down the front stairs in the dusky appearance of the morning. He stumbled and tripped to the ground. Onto his knees, the way he had been that day. He looked down at the dirt below him and wondered what he was doing. What more could he do?

He counted his own breaths, 1, 2, 3… He looked up towards the last house that was before the gate to the village. He’d have to walk by it. His mind thought for a moment, he could go…

Jaebeom’s house.

Jinyoung could go to that house, he could go and knock and cry and beg and ask Jaebeom why he’d left him and hadn’t returned. He’d said he would come back but he hadn’t come back. Weeks had gone by and Jaebeom hadn’t come back. He’d left Jinyoung, abandoned him, alone— Jinyoung breathed deep as tears filled his eyes again. No one tried to help him, they just kept saying that he’d be fine with time. They just kept telling him to get up, that it was all okay now so he should just shake off the things that haunted him.

The games had taken everything. He was alone, there was something wrong with him. No one wanted to be near him.

They didn’t get it. Jaebeom was supposed to be the one who understood, Jaebeom was supposed to stay with him. But he hadn’t. He’d broken his promise not to leave. Jinyoung wanted so badly to go to that house but Jaebeom didn’t want to see him. Jinyoung had nothing, so pushed up off the ground and walked towards the gate. There was nothing left for him. The nightmares would keep happening, the fear of being unable to breathe would rule him, he couldn’t get the images out of his head. He couldn’t move past it. He was broken. He wasn’t himself. He couldn’t fix the mess in his mind.

There was no coming home from the Hunger Games. 

There was no going back to being okay.

There was no way out from the memories. The knowledge that it wasn’t over tormented him, Yang’s face lived in his head watching his every move. The things he feared were no longer just specters and shadows. They were a part of him. A part of him he couldn’t get rid of just by wishing it away. He would have to kill those things, he would have to destroy them. That was the only way to escape the parasites within his mind.

He walked like a man gone mad, he walked towards the forest. The spring…

The birds were singing. He noticed them. 

He found the gap in the fence that used to be a key to his survival and easily and slipped through. He walked, he stumbled down the hill. Mark knew the forest well, Mark knew how to track but he didn’t think Mark would look for him so it didn’t matter. He breathed from the ground he had stumbled down to. He needed to collect himself, he needed to be strong so that his feet would carry him where he needed to go. 

He tried again to hide his path but he gave up as he kept struggling to walk in the overgrown brush of the forest. He reminded himself he didn’t need to hide his trail. No one would look for him in time cause they didn’t care enough to check if he was okay anyways. They would find out eventually, they would find out too late. They would find out when the sun was high in the sky… 

They wouldn’t find him when they finally thought to look for him. He wouldn’t be there anymore.

The truth was, he hadn’t been there since the games. He already wasn’t there. Jinyoung had already died in the arena.

The birds were singing. He looked to the sky and listened as tears fell. 

— — — 

Jaebeom had never run so fast in his whole life. The sun was overhead, the day long since dawned. The words he’d heard were echoing in his ears as he let his feet carry him as fast as he could towards the gap in the fence and towards the forest. His heart was pounding as he knew he needed to keep running. There was nothing to do but run and hope that he could move his feet fast enough…

_JAEBEOM, JAEBEOM PLEASE HELP ME_

Youngjae had been sobbing and crying that morning when Jaebeom had answered his door. Youngjae had looked everywhere… Youngjae had checked on Jinyoung before dawn and Jinyoung had been asleep, restlessly asleep and when Youngjae had checked again Jinyoung was gone. 

_Jinyoung’s gone, he’s gone, I can’t find him, he’s gone and dad’s working and Mark’s at the mines.”_

Jaebeom had promised he’d find him, and told him to wait. Jaebeom ran towards the break in the fence with all his might. Jinyoung hadn’t been out of the house in weeks. Jaebeom had been monitoring the situation from a distance, because of Jinyoung’s father’s request. Jaebeom knew things were bad but he’d thought he was making the right decision in leaving Jinyoung to his family. It would have been better if Jinyoung’s father helped him than if Jaebeom helped him. How could Jaebeom have been so stupid? He should have realized it wasn’t going to work.

_He has been crying, he keeps crying. I heard him crying again yesterday, please I need help! Someone needs to find him._

Jaebeom had told Youngjae to wait, he had to move quickly. He couldn’t waste a moment to stop and think because Jinyoung… he had to look. Jaebeom rushed through the break in the fence and down the hill. There were signs around him as he entered the forest, signs that it had been disturbed. He breathed deep as he slowed and began to search for them, began to follow them. They were obvious breaks in branches, foot marks in the mud.

Jaebeom couldn’t lose his head in his panic over the situation. He had found a trail, a trail that was fresh enough that it was noticeable to Jaebeom’s eyes. Jinyoung was fine, he would be fine, Jaebeom kept telling himself that over and over. Jaebeom wasn’t going to find his worst fears come to life, he had to tell himself… His heart pounded as he found more fresh signs of someone being in the forest. If it wasn’t Jinyoung then he’d be running in the wrong direction but he didn’t have time to think about it. He was scared as he watched the ground and the foliage and followed the unsteady path of the person ahead.

Jinyoung had to be okay, he had to be. Jaebeom knew the place he would go was the forest, so he had to be okay. He had to be the person whose trail Jaebeom had currently discovered.

Jaebeom felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest. He tried to keep his thoughts focused on the task in front of him and not the fears running through his mind. For all he knew Jinyoung had just finally found the energy to leave the house and wanted to see the forest. But Jaebeom knew too much, the sinking feeling in his heart told him that wasn’t the case.

Nature was the last thing new victors wanted, the things of the forest would remind Jinyoung of what he’d seen. The worst part was the forest was a good place to get lost, a good place to hide but it was the worst place when the forest had become a death arena. Jaebeom was confused because he found more and more signs of someone having walked through the forest. It was a sign of what was wrong, a sign the person who was walking wasn’t thinking too hard about hiding. If it was Jinyoung, he was focused on something else.

Jaebeom kept going, kept searching. Tears threatened to spill from his eyes as he was frightened at the thought of the worst outcome in his mind. If something happened to Jinyoung he knew that would be on him. He should never have left, he should never have let anyone stop him from staying by Jinyoung’s side. Jinyoung needed him to stay. 

Jaebeom remembered what happened when he won. How messed up he was in his mind, how everything frightened him. He remembered the nightmares, the trauma and things that triggered flashbacks to the things that happened to him. There were still days that the memories came back to haunt him, to try and suffocate him. But he hadn’t lost like Jinyoung had, he hadn’t carried care for anyone that was in the arena with him. He hadn’t watched friends die for him.

Jinyoung had changed, the games had changed him. The games changed everyone who entered in one way or another. Most died in the arena finding themselves turned to monsters, but the victors had to live on with the knowledge that there was no going back to who they were before. That drove many mad. It took time for Jaebeom to overcome his own nightmare. Not that he’d truly overcome, he’d just learned to live with it. Learned to manage it most days, but weak days came and he had places he ran within his head to hide from the trauma. 

But a new nightmare formed in his mind amidst what had taken place over the months… He’d lost everything, he’d lost all he had. His sister, his family, it had all been torn from him by Yang. He’d tried to stay closed off but things had changed, and his biggest fear was that he was about to lose what he’d gained. He’d been alone for so long, years had passed and he’d had no one. Finally someone had come back to him.

He couldn’t hold back tears as he searched the forest, he kept going deeper and deeper. Each moment he became more and more afraid at the time it was taking. He finally had someone. He’d finally saved one. After years alone, thinking there was no way he’d ever win against Yang, yet hoping it was possible… he finally had someone. 

Jinyoung had come back to him against the odds. 

He couldn’t lose Jinyoung.

He kept walking, kept hoping, kept searching because he wasn’t about to give up on the last thing he had left. He ran until he finally saw something. His breath caught as he saw a figure through the trees, standing still. He didn’t need to see him fully to recognize him. Jaebeom knew him at a glance, at a single glimpse.

“Jinyoung!” He called, relief flooded his senses. He ran forwards towards the light outside the trees.

He kept running towards him, the boy didn’t turn as Jaebeom emerged into the clearing where Jinyoung stood staring at the sky. They were deep in the forest, the sun was getting lower in the sky. Jaebeom didn’t know how long they’d been out there, how long he’d been searching, how far they had gone in or how long it would take to get back. 

Jinyoung’s fists were clenched tight as he stared upwards at moving clouds or the fading sunlight, Jaebeom didn’t know what. His eyes were red, his body was trembling slightly. It was cold, Jinyoung had no jacket on, his clothes were too light for being outside in the evening. Jaebeom took deep heavy breaths from running, his head light with the emotions he’d felt and the release of them as he’d found Jinyoung. He was just so happy he’d found him, that Jinyoung was standing in front of him still… still breathing…

“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom called out to him softly, affectionately, he didn’t want to startle him, “It’s okay. Youngjae came to get me cause he was looking for you and I— I’ve been looking for you everywhere.” Jaebeom wanted Jinyoung to know he had been searching.

Jinyoung didn’t look at him, his fist clenched tighter and Jaebeom saw something he hadn’t seen before… he’d just been so happy to see Jinyoung alive. He hadn’t thought of why Jinyoung’s fist was closed shut, tight. There was a trace of red running down his knuckles, a juice of some kind of berry. The scene was set in front of him frozen… Jaebeom blinked.

His heart stuttered in fear, he didn’t have to think twice before he moved in. He rushed and grabbed Jinyoung’s wrist harshly before the boy could make a move. Jaebeom looked him in the eyes and Jinyoung’s eyes met his. There was nothing there, Jinyoung was empty, deep in his eyes he was lost and Jaebeom could see it. He knew what Jinyoung intended to do, why he was out there, and Jaebeom knew what was in his hand. His heart feared he was too late, that Jinyoung had already done it. He feared that at that moment Jinyoung was about to take a final breath and fall to his arms. But Jinyoung breathed in and out and looked at Jaebeom. He breathed in and out again, Jaebeom’s mind counting on every breath Jinyoung breathed.

“Let go of me,” Jinyoung spoke, his eyes feeling with a strange emotion as he forcefully pushed at Jaebeom. The strength with which he pushed was enough to tip Jaebeom off that no, he wasn’t too late, Jinyoung hadn’t done it. Not yet… Jaebeom shook his head, he started crying.

“No,” Jaebeom spoke broken, “no Jinyoung stop.” Jinyoung tried to get his arm out of Jaebeom’s grasp. Jaebeom wasn’t going to let him, he held onto Jinyoung’s wrist tighter. He moved fast with more strength than Jinyoung had and he twisted Jinyoung’s arm. Jinyoung cried out as Jaebeom forced his fist to open and out of his hand fell exactly what Jaebeom thought it was.

Nightlock berries, deadly poison.

Jinyoung cried and tried to pull away from Jaebeom but Jaebeom pulled him around again to look at his face.

“Please,” Jinyoung pushed at him, his face contorting as he started crying and pleading, “please, please, let me go. I can’t do it anymore… I can’t do it…” Jaebeom could barely breathe as he heard the pain in Jinyoung’s voice. He felt desperation in his own heart, he wasn’t going to let Jinyoung do it. He wasn’t going to let it happen, he couldn’t.

“No,” Jaebeom threw his arms around Jinyoung as he struggled against Jaebeom. He couldn’t get a grip on him as Jinyoung pushed at him and tried so hard to get out from his grip. Jaebeom let go but moved fast and grabbed the top of his arms near his shoulders. Jinyoung was fighting him but Jaebeom wasn’t giving up on him. He’d never give up on him. Jinyoung was all he had left, he’d come back to him and Jaebeom wasn’t going to lose him. 

“I can’t go on,” Jinyoung cried, “I can’t… Please just let me…” He wanted to scream over what was happening, scream and scream until it stopped. Anger filled his heart, the tears and the sorrow over holding onto someone who had given up on themselves was changing within Jaebeom. He was more than angry. At Yang, at the Capitol, at everyone who hurt them. 

He was angry at the people who had let it go on for years and who had done nothing. They’d let it happen over and over again. They let kids go to die, to lose everything all for a show, for entertainment. They had taken everything and everyone Jaebeom ever cared about before, but that was before, he wouldn’t let them do it again. He wouldn’t let them have Jinyoung. Jaebeom had brought him back, he’d brought Jinyoung back and he wasn’t going to let go. He wasn’t going to lose to Yang, to the games, to any of it.

“Please,” Jinyoung fought against him still. 

“No!” Jaebeom shouted at him, his anger lashing out not at Jinyoung but the lies in his head, “You listen to me right now!” He shouted. “You listen to me!” He shook Jinyoung hard before he even realized what he was doing and the younger face changed to one of surprise as he looked at Jaebeom. “You’re not letting go! You’re not giving up! I won’t let you! You listen to me right now, I won’t let you!” He wanted to fight away every monster in Jinyoung’s head, every piece of it.

“I can’t,” Jinyoung cried weakly, “I’m not strong enough…”

“Bullshit,” Jaebeom shouted at him strong, “that’s fucking bullshit!” Jinyoung was shaking and crying as Jaebeom shook him again so hard, “You’re not weak! You’re not. You never have been Jinyoung! You’re not broken, these things that are happening to you, they’re real. You’re completely sane, what is going on is what happens when you’ve gone through the games. It’s not your fault! It’s not your fault and there’s nothing wrong with you!” The words came out with emotion and tears as he shouted. And he breathed as he looked at Jinyoung and realized that he’d just shouted the things he wished someone had told him.

Those words he spoke were the words he wished someone had said to him in his darkest moments. When he’d come back and no one had even tried to help him. He’d lived feeling insane, he’d lived feeling guilt for winning, he’d lived with the monsters. He’d lived through them. Tears poured down his face, Jinyoung had stopped fighting. He was staring at Jaebeom with so much pain on his face, his eyes so read. His body trembled. Jaebeom felt overwhelmed, it hit him all at once how he loved this boy so much, so much that he would do anything… anything to save him.

“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said, his name softer as he cried, “you’re not weak, you’re not. You’re strong, you’re the strongest person I know and it doesn’t matter what they did to you or what happened. You’re strong enough to beat this. You are, I know you are. I won’t ever give up on you because I know…” He cried more and Jinyoung’s expression faltered, softening from just pain to one of sorrow. Jaebeom watched him melt and he reached for him and wrapped him tight in his arms.

He held Jinyoung against his chest as Jinyoung began to cry and sob. Jinyoung wasn’t fighting him anymore, he stopped fighting and his arms slipped around Jaebeom tight, holding on. Jaebeom cried, his own tears fell into Jinyoung’s hair, his heart stuttering. He’d been so scared, so afraid of what he would find but Jinyoung was in his arms. He was holding on to Jinyoung. He had been so afraid he’d lose again, that he’d lose the last person he had in his life.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I left you,” Jaebeom cried as he held onto him. He knew he held some blame for things getting harder on Jinyoung. He’d let himself get pushed out, he’d done that. He’d promised Jinyoung he’d be there then he walked out because he’d let Jinyoung’s dad convince him to leave. He was a fool. A fool for ever thinking that decision was the right one. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” Jaebeom wanted Jinyoung to hear it, “I am sorry that I didn’t come back. I’m sorry and I promise I won’t ever leave you again. I promise Jinyoung I’ll help you through, I’ll do whatever I can to help you. Please don’t give up on me, cause I won’t give up on you…” He just said every word he felt in his heart, for the boy who had become everything to him in such a short space of time.

Jinyoung’s father had been right about one thing when he’d pushed Jaebeom out. Jaebeom wanted love in his life, that he wanted someone who would love him. But to Jaebeom it wasn’t enough just to be loved. He’d been alone for so long, he’d missed what it was like to have anyone present in his life. He wanted someone he could lean on and someone who could lean on him. Jinyoung was facing trauma and pain, he couldn’t be anything to Jaebeom yet… But Jaebeom didn’t need Jinyoung to be his, he just wanted to be Jinyoung’s. Jaebeom wanted to give Jinyoung what he himself had never had.

He put his arm around Jinyoung tight and kept him close as he walked back through the forest, the cold. Jaebeom held him close to keep him warm, safe and Jinyoung melted into him, leaning against him. Jaebeom had pulled him out and he was afraid if he’d let go that Jinyoung would slip away again. So he held the younger close as he found his way back through the forest and through the fence. He didn’t say a word and Jinyoung didn’t say anything either.

When they made it back to the victor's village, Jaebeom saw Jinyoung’s dad standing on his front porch. His eyes watched them, Jaebeom looked away. He felt anger towards that man, anger that he’d done nothing to help Jinyoung. Anger that he’d fought to get Jaebeom to stay away. Mostly he felt anger towards himself because he’d listened to the man's words and left Jinyoung’s side. He wouldn’t ever make that mistake again. He’d keep Jinyoung with him, where he knew the younger would be safe and cared for. Because Jaebeom knew exactly what it was like to want to give up.

He knew what it was like to have those things weighing so heavily on his shoulders. He knew what it was like to stand in the darkness and look into the face of death. He knew that he’d turned his own sorrow into hatred towards Yang. He didn’t want Jinyoung to end up the same way as him, bitter and alone. He wanted Jinyoung safe and free from the things that haunted him. 

Jaebeom opened his door and led Jinyoung inside, the younger was slumped against him as if resigned to being kept close. Jaebeom pulled him in both of his arms as the door shut and felt the steady beating of Jinyoung’s heart as he held him. That heartbeat meant everything.

“You’re going to make it through this,” Jaebeom whispered to him, “It’s going to be okay.” Jinyoung didn’t say anything, his hands gripped Jaebeom’s shirt, he was still shaking and cold. He had likely disassociated in some small way to hide from what had almost happened. Jaebeom lifted Jinyoung up and carried the younger to his room.

He wrapped Jinyoung in his arms and laid down and held him close to get him warm. He wrapped blankets around them to hide them away from everything of the outside world. Truthfully Jaebeom was still afraid to let go, afraid Jinyoung would slip away but he needed to set his fears aside. He needed to set them aside and give Jinyoung the strength he needed to stand on his own again. He would be Jinyoung’s strength until Jinyoung found his own again. 

“I’m here,” Jaebeom said softly.

He said it over and over, as Jinyoung kept crying and holding on. Jaebeom felt warmth in his heart towards the boy as he spoke soft gentle words. The sun set and the night came, the day was over. He spoke to Jinyoung of better things in a soft voice until Jinyoung fell asleep, till he fell into a peace rest quiet in Jaebeom’s arms. Jaebeom stared at him for a long moment before closing his eyes and falling asleep himself. And in the morning when he awoke, things had changed and he looked into Jinyoung’s face and he saw a change. There was a light in his eyes, small but Jaebeom could see it. 

The storms in his mind had shifted, calmed. Jinyoung looked at him different, and in his eyes Jaebeom could see a hope rising. A hope that all the nightmares and dark could be defeated. Hope, now that he wasn’t alone. That was enough for Jaebeom to feel like they’d won some small victory in what he knew would be a long war. He smiled down at the younger and thought of the day he believed for. A day where Jinyoung would be able to smile back, freed from the past. Jinyoung leaned into him. 

“Thank you,” Jinyoung whispered softly, in the light of the sun that peaked through the window. A small light invading their fortress.

“I’m here,” Jaebeom said softly. And Jinyoung melted into his arms against him as if to tell him in his own way that he felt safe, that he wasn’t leaving. That was enough for Jaebeom in that moment. Enough to calm his fears, to make him really believe the worst day had passed and he hoped he would never see it come again.

*******************************************************************************

Present

******************************************************************************

Breathe…

He counted his own breaths in and out, steady rhythm.

Breathe In.

Breathe Out.

His heart flamed, his heart turned to ashes. Everything felt like he’d been on a rollercoaster, thrown back and forth with bravery and brokenness. He wasn’t sure what to do but breathe. The morning was somehow the most difficult, waking up and backing himself into the corner of his bunk to breathe and think. Tears spilled down his face, he felt weak like a shadow of himself just fighting to breathe.

Jinyoung felt like dust on the wind, thrown back and forth. He didn’t recognize himself in the person he’d conjured within himself to fight his enemies… and he didn’t recognize himself in moments of weakness either. Where all he could do was lean against a corner of the wall and try not to panic. His dreams nightmares again, this time of monsters falling from the ceiling above his head. Their claws digging into his skin, their teeth taking him down. He couldn’t breathe. His dreams he floated above the others and watched them get gunned down, every last one of them…

In his dreams Mark died in his arms, Jaebeom died in his arms. They were shot down… Every possible scenario of what could have gone wrong but didn’t. He put his hands on his head trying to remind himself it was okay. They’d somehow made it out. They’d made it— but had they? Or had Yang gotten what he wanted. Because Jinyoung felt like he was barely holding himself together.

Jinyoung waited there until his body calmed. He talked himself slowly through the things he was feeling. Tapping out a rhythm against the metal wall as he tried to push the thoughts and dreams from his mind. 

He felt exhausted. Maybe because he’d put so much of himself on the line, claimed the revolution as his own. He felt after all of it like his choices had been controlled, like he wasn’t his own… that was the thought he fought against. Remembering the strength he’d somehow found but it slipped from him. The mental toll of the fight in 12, standing up to Chae, somehow planning and getting through the rescue mission alive— it sunk into him. Like he was coming down from a high and he wanted another fix.

The words Yang spoke and the things that had happened weighed on him. Yang had tried to coerce Jinyoung into going to him three times using the lives of his friends. In every single encounter Jinyoung had gotten out, but it was becoming increasingly clear to Jinyoung that Yang didn’t want him dead. That thought was more frightening to him than anything else. It would have been easier in his mind if Yang had wanted him dead, what Yang could want him alive for terrified him. 

He wondered if Yang really thought Jinyoung’s capture could turn the tide of the war. But Yang’s cat and mouse game seemed so half hearted. Jinyoung slipped away from him every single time, not exactly in easy ways but in ways that were easier than he thought they should have been.

Yang wanted him but not badly enough to commit to a working plan. For a man with power and weapons, Jinyoung had slipped away with a crude bow and again with only a handful of victors surrounding him. Yang didn’t want him dead but he didn’t want him badly enough… Jinyoung didn’t know what it meant but somehow it added to the torment in his mind. The torment of the images of his past, the drugs used on him, the trauma that seemed to fix itself to every single thing he did. 

Jinyoung wanted to be left alone but more than that he wanted Jaebeom. His heart ached once again separated from Jaebeom. They were walls away from each other, floors away from each other in the same compound but Jinyoung was not allowed to see him. He’d been separated from the person who had once been his anchor on life itself, and Jaebeom was finally close but still not Jinyoung’s to hold on to.

He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes as best he could, breaths came easier. He relaxed, it was enough. His mind was off his nightmares and back on his longing heart. 

As the three days since the mission passed, Jinyoung realized he did know how to cope on his own but it was a constant struggle to do so. The burden on his shoulders felt almost insurmountable. But there was no way to go but forward. Like when they were in the tribute center, there was no going back but forward. He shuddered and stretched what muscles he could. 

He had woken up alone because so many of the others hadn’t returned with them to 13. His father had woken him up that morning, held him close then left him to go to his work. Jinyoung had fallen back to sleep and awoke to Youngjae being gone as well. It seemed to be their routine since the mission had ended. Because someone had to be with Mark, and Youngjae was able to go in because he worked with their father. 

His heart hurt as he stood up from his bed and leaned back against the wall of his unit. He didn’t know how he could feel so physically weak with just a simple bout of panic but it seemed to always be that way. Jinyoung carefully dressed, adjusting the sling his father had given him to keep his arm from moving too much. He’d been shot there and his father had worked to remove the bullet and close the wound properly. They didn’t trust anyone else near Jinyoung after what had happened before. He had been glad to see his father when he returned. He’d needed the older man’s kind expression and caring looks.

He didn’t trust the other doctors but he didn’t have a choice when it came to Mark and Jaebeom. He didn’t like that he couldn’t visit them, because District 13 had rules where the hospital was concerned. When they’d returned Mark had been placed in emergency surgery and put in a medically induced coma for his own good. Jaebeom was also taken to the hospital but hadn’t woken since they’d left the Capitol.

The news Jinyoung got about the boys had come from his dad who was looking out for the boys. As much as Jinyoung was struggling and wanted his father with him, he wouldn’t ask for it. Because Jaebeom and Mark needed someone to protect and watch over them. That mattered so much more to Jinyoung than what he was dealing with on his own. He would continue to handle his own mental state, he didn’t like being a burden to others. He didn’t like feeling weak. He just wanted to feel strong again, like he had after 12.

But of course those highs, those moments of adrenaline had long since faded. 

What remained was a loneliness, longing and a daily summons from President Chae which he had ignored since he’d returned. He spent most of his time in those days hiding out with Jackson or Taehyung, far away from her or any of her associates. He didn’t want to answer for whatever it was she wanted from him. His mind had been too much of a mess but he didn’t think that was going to get any better within a few more days. He eventually would have to speak to her, especially since he had something he wanted from her. 

He’d just needed a few days to work up the confidence, courage, and false bravado that it took to demand his way from her. Jin, Namjoon and Yoongi had all decided to stay in district 5, to help in the aftermath of the battle. News came that districts 6 and 7 had also fought for their freedom. 11, 10 and 8 were all close to a win and 9's uprising had gotten stronger. They wasted no time in those three days, word travelled fast that the time had come. Panem’s fire was stronger than ever.

District 13 had broadcast that their Phoenix had fought in District 5, the footage with Jin was enough to fool everyone. And then news came out on the airwaves that Lim Jaebeom had been rescued from the Capitol. The war was moving at a rapid pace, like the broken dam of district 5 had symbolized what was about to break loose.

Jinyoung walked towards the President's council room thinking of all that had happened. He knew the times Chae would be in there too well. He knew in which times she didn’t have a full council around her. He didn't want the full council, they didn’t matter in any way. They were for show in District 13, Chae was in charge of everything and the others had minimal say.

He walked briskly, he hadn’t bothered to inform anyone of his intentions to speak to her. It was something he wanted to face alone. He didn’t need Jackson or Jin there to back him up or buffer him from his enemies. Jinyoung felt confident that he could handle Chae. He felt he was beginning to understand her. He knew she would criticize his actions and put up a wall of annoyance before giving him his way. She couldn't deny that the plan he’d executed had worked so he wasn’t really going to get in trouble for it.

Jinyoung made it to the council room door and stopped in front of it. There were cameras all over the base, something he’d begun to pay mind to. If he had to play a chess game with Chae and the others he needed to know exactly what her pawns were, and what could be used against him. There was a camera pointed towards the door to watch anyone going in. He wondered if that meant JYP was watching or if JYP was on the other side of the door as well.

JYP seemed to have a close alliance with Chae. They worked together on the plans and propaganda. He wondered about their familiarity and still held suspicions of that man. Jinyoung couldn’t shake them after JYP had tossed Jaebeom aside. But he had grown used to the man being around whenever he yelled at Chae. 

Jinyoung sighed and opened the door to let himself in, there was no point in hesitating when he’d already told himself he could do it alone. Sure enough Chae was in the council room and unsurprisingly JYP was there as well. There was a propaganda video being projected in front of them. Some sort of battle. It was paused and they both turned to see who had entered.

"Jinyoung," Chae said his name with a hint of annoyance in her voice, "I summoned you to a council meeting 3 days ago. You can come back when we have an evening meeting.” She waved her hand to wave him off. He continued to walk in and took a seat. She blinked at him as if she could make him disappear by doing so.

"If you have something to say to me now is the time," Jinyoung told her. He leaned back in the chair slightly. He kept his hands hidden from her view as he tapped his knee gently with his fist. 

"Now, now, Jinyoung," Chae said, "I want us to be friends. I didn’t call you into a meeting to give a hostile inquiry but there are things you and I need to come to an understanding on. There are rules around this place and the rescue plan you executed was not approved by the council. You broke our trust and now you’re insisting on having things your way instead of listening.”

“I push for my way because I don’t trust you. There was never any trust between us, especially not after what you did," Jinyoung responded. He was tired of pretending nothing was wrong between them. 

"I do not know what you are implying," she said, "but whatever it is please let us get it out in the open so we can discuss it like adults. We are on the same side here."

"You had your doctors put me on addictive drugs," Jinyoung accused, he decided that she was right, it was best to get this out in the open. "And when I was trying to get off them you sent me back to the doctor for a checkup where they injected me with more." He was angry about the way they’d tried to mess with his relationship with his family.

“That is an absurd accusation, I did no such thing," she stated as if bored by his words. He clenched his fists under the table, angry at her response.

"Then your doctors did this," Jinyoung spoke strong, "do you really not know what kinds of things they are doing to your citizens? But I think you made it very clear you knew much more than you'll say." There was something about Chae that made him always want to fight back, maybe the smug expression on her face. The bored tone, the annoyance. He didn’t like how she looked at him, and dismissed the things he said.

"This accusation you have made does nothing for us," she said, "I wouldn't hurt you Jinyoung.” She shifted leaning forward against the table. “You've proven yourself to be a valuable asset to this war, and now the districts are rising up because of your contributions. We won't need you on the forefront of everything we do anymore. That was why I called you." 

"You want to end our campaign?" he asked. He was confused by what she was implying. If they didn’t need him anymore he wouldn’t have much more leverage to demand his way from them.

“Not end," JYP spoke up, “We want it to Evolve. It's time to bring everything we have to the forefront. To bring in the other victors in a higher role and reign yours in.” The other victors?

"What?" Jinyoung was confused by what he meant.

"A phoenix was the symbol we wanted to create with your video’s,” Chae said, "now the people need to be that for themselves. So we will be changing the game, and we expect you to follow orders instead of just running off on your own." He wondered if it was because Jinyoung wasn’t just a tool to continue the war but something Yang sought as a key to regain power over the districts. His mind went back to wondering just why Yang was trying to capture him. He pushed those thoughts aside.

"Fine," Jinyoung said as he sat up ready to get to what he really wanted out of the meeting, "let's make another deal, I will follow your orders if your doctors allow me to see my friends." She looked annoyed but not surprised.

"See this is where you and I don't see eye to eye on things,” she sighed, "you want rules amended as you see fit. How can anyone run a stable government where the people are constantly trying to skirt around rules that were created for the common good? We have rules at the hospital for good reason and we will enforce them.” He didn't care what her reason was.

"So you agree with Yang?" he questioned, "government by force?" He was sure she had an immense dislike for him and he didn’t care. 

"Not by force," Chae responded, "my people are not starved. We work together for the collective good to make sure everyone here is safe. When someone comes along whose interests do not fit those of the collective that person must be punished." He was curious how the people of Panem would react if she actually did something to him.

"What punishment would you like to inflict upon me?" He asked, "I don't care, as long as you let me see my friends." He would spend his time in cells, or be confined to the hospital entirely if he could just see Jaebeom. He didn’t care about what the cost was.

"You are a stubborn one," Chae declared, “and I don’t think you realize stubbornness is not strength. You can't keep demanding your way and subverting the rules around here." But she had given him his way each and every time he had demanded it. He had a feeling this time would be the same as all the others. She’d rebuff him until she finally wore down.

"I am not a citizen of your district," Jinyoung responded.

"No but you are a beneficiary of it," she countered.

“And your revolution is a beneficiary of my compliance. I’ve done all you have asked of me," Jinyoung reasoned, "I am asking for this in good faith, because you said you wanted us to be friends. I know I have made demands in the past but this is a request. I would like to see Jaebeom.” He tried a different approach mostly because he was tired. He didn’t want to shout, he didn’t want to demand. He just wanted her to agree. Chae sighed.

"Jinyoung I don't want to be enemies," she said in response, "like I said before.” She paused for a moment then nodded, “I will grant you this request and we will start the next stage of operations very soon so you must be ready.”

"I want Yang dead," Jinyoung replied, "I will help in every way I can to meet that goal." She nodded once again but the look in her eyes grew faraway.

"Then we understand each other." she said almost mechanically. She looked back at him again and smiled, that fake smile he didn’t trust.

"Clearly," he agreed to end the meeting on a better note. He knew why she didn't want to be enemies, why she didn't want to have him as an enemy and why the game was shifting. With the way they’d played things the power balance really was all in his hands. He inspired, he changed the game and had lived up to what he’d set out to start. The revolution had reached a high point, and Jinyoung was at the center of it. The people would whisper his name in districts that were still fading and in districts that were rising his name was shouted. He was a threat to both Yang and Chae, the center of the movement.

She knew as he did if he chose to he could continue to change the game, to lead the charge he could eventually take the ultimate prize. He could end up the one on top of whatever new world was created. But he wouldn't, he didn't want that. Whereas she was all ambition he simply wanted freedom. That was the reason he was fighting the war. For freedom of his family and freedom of his own.

———

Jinyoung finally sat in the hospital, next to the bed that held the person he’d missed for so long. His eyes were on Jaebeom, who laid still breathing, sleeping. After so long apart they were finally both safe. Jinyoung had succeeded, he’d brought Jaebeom back from the Capitol. He’d rescued Jaebeom from the torture of Yang’s prison. 

Jinyoung’s body shook as he began to cry. He loved Jaebeom and for weeks and weeks he’d yearned for him. The ache in his chest of separation had finally subsided because he could sit beside Jaebeom. He could be beside Jaebeom. Even though the end of the games had left them pulled apart they’d made it back to a moment with each other. Jinyoung had spent so much of his energy determined to save Jaebeom, and the outcome of that was worth it. He’d done what he’d set out to do when he’d agreed to fight with the districts.

Jaebeom was safe but he wasn't all okay. He looked different in the way his face was drawn and thin, and Jinyoung didn’t want to imagine how he had been broken down. Even in a deep sleep Jaebeom seemed afraid. The doctors told Jinyoung that Jaebeom had woken up earlier that day but that he was frantic, fighting them and they had to put him back to sleep. They heard Jinyoung was coming and took off the sedatives.

They hoped that if he woke up and saw Jinyoung beside him, that it would change things. They all believed that for Jaebeom seeing Jinyoung would make him feel safe. Jinyoung was glad he’d fought with Chae again for it. Everytime he spoke to her it was draining but he’d needed to be there with Jaebeom. With the time it would take for Jaebeom to awaken again, all Jinyoung could do was wait and cry. 

He remembered the final moments of the games, holding onto Jaebeom, so afraid to lose him. Jinyoung wiped tears from his eyes as he tried to stop crying. He was tired of crying, day after day being too weak to do anything besides cry. But he was with Jaebeom again, of course his emotions were beyond his control.

"I'm here," Jinyoung said to the sleeping form of the person he loved more than anything, "I'm not leaving you again." And he waited, it felt like hours as he watched over Jaebeom and waited for him to awaken.

The first sign of it was the monitor's beeping began to change slightly. Things all changed, Jinyoung looked on hopeful as Jaebeom's eyes finally opened. Jaebeom’s eyes were full of fear.

"You're safe now," Jinyoung whispered upon seeing them, Jaebeom's eyes turned to look at Jinyoung. “I’m here.” Their eyes met and Jaebeom’s filled with tears. Jinyoung looked at him, wanting to convey that they were safe, but at a loss for words. They were together again, they were beside each other. Jaebeom had a breathing mask covering his mouth to filter the air he breathed. He had so many things around him, the doctors had been doing everything to help him recover. Their eyes had met but Jaebeom couldn't speak with the mask against his face.

The doctors had said within hours he would have died from what the Capitol did to him. But they had brought him back in time. Jaebeom moved, he reached his hand for Jinyoung's and Jinyoung took it. Jaebeom breathed deeply, it sounded through the machine. Jinyoung watched him close his eyes and drift back into sleep. Even in sleep his grip on Jinyoung's hand was unwavering and Jinyoung knew why.

"I love you," Jinyoung said, he moved to where he wasn’t supposed to be and he laid down beside Jaebeom. Jinyoung was careful of everything they had attached to him but Jinyoung wanted to lay beside him again. Jinyoung cried into Jaebeom's shoulder, like he had when the battlefield has begun to claim him. Back when everything was darkness, when Jinyoung thought he had lost him completely.

He wept for so long Jaebeom had just been the ghost in his mind of faded memories he held onto for area life. Jinyoung remembered everything so well, their first days, the arguments that faded to an unsteady companionship. There was a time when Jaebeom was the only one who could reach him. When everything inside him Jinyoung was so weak, to a breaking point Jaebeom was there. Jaebeom was there loving Jinyoung before Jinyoung had even understood love.

"I love you," Jinyoung said again as he cried for the days that were past. The days when they would sit together and read, the days when they would wander together in the forests. Their whole lives had fit together before Jinyoung had realized. It had taken the arena, the suffering for Jinyoung to truly understand that Jaebeom was everything to him. 

And Jaebeom was by his side once again, safe from all that had ripped them apart. 

Jinyoung had suffered without him, he had turned to whatever source he could find just to keep moving. Had found strength in the people who reached to him but they weren't Jaebeom. They couldn't touch the reality of what was between him and Jaebeom. Jinyoung had Jaebeom when he’d had nothing.

He remembered the reality of what they’d been through, the day in the forest when Jaebeom had made the difference. Jaebeom had rushed to him and fought against Jinyoung’s darkest desires to save his life when no one else would. When no one else understood… In a single moment Jinyoung could have faded away but Jaebeom had been there when Jinyoung had been so sure he was alone. Jaebeom changed the course of his life in a single moment of time. Jaebeom had a way of doing that from the beginning.

Sure they’d fought quite a bit, they always fought. Because Jinyoung was too petty about every little thing but in a way so was Jaebeom. They were completely different yet so similar. It was everything to Jinyoung.

'I love you." 

Jinyoung said it a third time. Like he had in the darkness of the arena, when lightning flashed above their heads and thunder sounded around them. That day when Jaebeom had fought for Jinyoung again and Jinyoung had fought for Jaebeom, and lost for him. Jinyoung had held on tight as Jaebeom’s light was fading. Three ‘I love you’s’ had come from Jaebeom's lips that night, and Jinyoung returned them all.

Three small words, three simple times, everything. They were together again, so Jinyoung could return the words again, over and over. Jaebeom couldn’t yet speak them back but Jinyoung didn't need words to know. Somehow he’d always known in every touch.

He felt it in the grip the elder had on his hand, in the air around them. That love hadn't been shaken with time apart. That love hadn't changed. It would be there no matter what tore them away from each other.

But that wouldn't stop Jinyoung from crying and speaking. Just as their hands were intertwined so were their hearts. Everything, it was absolutely everything.

In that moment, three wasn't enough. A hundred wasn't enough. He wanted to tell Jaebeom every hour, every minute, every second of the rest of their lives that he loved him. He wanted Jaebeom to feel every word, to know like Jinyoung knew. He hoped they would have that chance to make their lives together with each other. He hoped that in the end they would make it out of the war together.

No matter what darkness came and what dangers pulled them apart. He believed they had found their way back to each other for a reason and that they would always find their way back to each other.

He moved his lips next to Jaebeom's ear and spoke it again.

"I love you."

Words weren't needed, but words were valued. These words were everything to him, everything he could give. All his belief and all his heart.

He would give everything. 

He would be everything to Jaebeom as Jaebeom had been everything to him. He would fight for the man he loved as the war raged around them. He would bring them to peace again, and when he ended everything then they would have their chance. Jinyoung would be the revolution for Jaebeom.

He was willing to risk everything to bring that chance. A chance for lives of peace, lives of safety, together. Two lives together, lived beside each other. That was something worth fighting for.

Having Jaebeom beside him made his resolve grow stronger even still.

It made his heart beat ever faster.

His life, his existence, everything…

He would risk it all for what he believed they deserved. And he believed that in the end they would gain everything. He would get up from the moment he was ready to fight for however long it would take to see a better world. A world where they would have a chance, he would create it. For Jaebeom, for his family… They were his strength, they gave him the passion and resolve to fight again. Even as he’d awoken to feeling as if the walls were closing in around him, he felt stronger just knowing he had something worth fighting for.


	2. Sparks In the Wind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jin and the others return to District 13 with news of the war. Jinyoung seeks to help Jaebeom through his trauma.

The air in the District 13 compound was colder than Jin remembered. They had spent a few weeks in District 5 with the aftermath of the fight, it seemed like the right decision for them to help with the work it took to get their district functioning again. Following a few weeks of hard work, Namjoon, Yoongi, Jin, Hoseok and Jimin had gathered information on what was going on with the other districts. They then decided it was time for them to return to the underground hideaway. The districts were all mounting plans for uprisings, the Capitol was losing hold in many places. Things were moving faster on the outside than before.

They had discovered some greater details of what was going on and decided the best move was to return to 13 to enlist the help of the military district. Many of the districts were communicating with each other and through those communications much information was shared. The war effort would only pay off if they all worked together. After the loss of Taeyeon District 1 wanted a chance to retaliate against the Capitol but District 2 was the problem standing in the way of all of them.

They needed to make a move soon to get aid to District 2 and they needed Jinyoung with them. Everyone knew that Jinyoung could effectively make a difference for the people who were still wavering in the district. Jin looked forward to seeing his friends again and he knew that Jinyoung would probably do better more time to rest but the situation was dire. As much as he didn’t want to pull Jinyoung into anything so soon there was no avoiding it.

Jinyoung had been made such an integral part of firing up the districts. There wasn’t a way to remove him from the equation. He gave hope everywhere he went, he changed the game. It was because of Jinyoung that everything had changed so drastically. The fight in 5 took place because Jinyoung convinced District 13 to provide support. He had other reasons for instigating it but he’d made his moves at all the right times. 

It wasn’t surprising that Jinyoung had become so valuable. His actions in the Hunger Games had been the initial spark that had lit the first riots, the first change. Jin remembered those moments, watching as Jinyoung changed the entire nation in a single day with a single act of refusing to be a piece in Yang’s game. In throwing down his sword and still winning he’d showed incredible strength and defiance. His bravery had inspired everyone. The year that followed was a long one, but the fire of it was undeniable. 

Jin still remembered the day JYP had presented him with three chess pieces on one of his trips to the Capitol. He’d sat across from Jin and placed them in a row. That was the day Jin had learned what the 75 Hunger Games would mean for all of them. It was a time to take that spark and fan the flame. A deep plot to get Jinyoung out and to start the revolution. Those days it all seemed like a dream, but that dream had become a reality. 

Though knowing Jinyoung, Jin understood that the boy had many things he still need to sort, there was no denying Jinyoung’s impact. He was torn because he wanted to give Jinyoung more time but they needed Jinyoung to win the war. There was no time and he was sure Jinyoung could handle it.

"Welcome back," Jackson greeted them as they stepped out of their craft. They walked out into the cold underground hangar. There were lots of people moving about. Jin had heard that District 13 was moving supplies to District 8 and 9 to assist very strong efforts from those outer districts.

"It's good to be back," Namjoon greeted Jackson in return. Jin hugged the other victor.

“It’s good to see you again,” Jin said to him. He’d had a good time fighting at Jackson’s side in District 5. The District 4 victor was a positive energy in all their lives and Jin was glad that he’d returned to 13 with Jinyoung. It was good for Jinyoung to be around Jackson. 

“It’s good to see you again. What news do you have from the districts?" Jackson asked. The other victor was aware that they had plans to move through the districts to gauge what was actually happening. They didn’t trust President Chae to be upfront with whatever information she was receiving. So they had to collect as much as they could on their own.

"We are at the beginning of the end," Jin said, "or so the district leaders believe. Things are moving rapidly.” Their dream of freedom was within reach.

“That’s good,” Jackson replied, "the soldiers here are antsy to get out there." 

"Well we're almost ready," Jin said, "where's Jinyoung? I thought he’d be here.” They’d sent word ahead that they would be arriving. He had sort of expected Jinyoung to be among those that greeted them after so many weeks apart, but it was just Jackson. 

"Take a guess," Jackson said and that was all he needed to say. It was clear Jinyoung was with Jaebeom, hospital rules or not he had gotten in. Given how stubborn Jinyoung was when he wanted something, Jin had no doubt Chae hadn’t had a chance to beat Jinyoung with that request. It was good for Jinyoung to be with Jaebeom, after everything they’d gone through Jin hoped having Jaebeom safe would improve things for Jinyoung. He would no longer have to stress about what his actions would cause to blow back on Jaebeom.

"How is Jaebeom?" Jin asked. Jin had seen him briefly when the hovercraft had landed in District 13. Jinyoung had been holding onto him tight and unwilling to let go. They’d sent the hovercraft straight bak to 13 so Jin hadn’t had much of a chance to really assess what was going on. Jaebeom was in bad shape from what he could tell.

“Jaebeom is on his road to recovery,” Jackson replied, "but they think it may be a long while still. They just took him off some bigger machines this morning, but he still needs pure oxygen. Whatever the Capitol did to him…” Jackson seemed reluctant to speak if he knew more. He’d trailed off. It was likely something that had shaken all the victors who’d seen Jaebeom.

"We go him out,” Namjoon said, “That's what matters.” It was true, getting Jaebeom back did matter.

"We need to see President Chae, Jinyoung and the council," Yoongi said, “we have a lot we need to talk to them about.” Jin rolled his eyes, it was like Yoongi to want to cut to the chase. They didn’t have time to hang around and wait. 

"I will tell Shonwu and Fei," Jackson said, "and count me in on whatever plan you have. I’m ready to fight Yang’s army for what he did to Jaebeom.”

"Well let's get to the others," Jin said, "we want everyone to hear about it." They walked through the district, people's eyes were on them as always. Still everything felt so different. Everyone knew it was all beginning to barrel towards an ending to the war. That was their hope, a swift end to the pain and suffering they’d endured for so long.

—————

Jinyoung paced back and forth as he stood away from Jaebeom because the doctors were working. It had been a busy day for them, getting Jaebeom off several machines. It was a huge step towards Jaebeom recovering, being able to do more on his own without machines having to keep him alive. Jinyoung was happy it was finally happening. He had been worried about Jaebeom possibly needing to be on so many machines for a long time. It felt good to see improvements in the time that Jinyoung had spent with him. 

The doctors kept coming in to check on how Jaebeom was doing, checking vitals and levels. Jaebeom was awake laying back against his bed silently allowing the doctors to move him, any part of him without protest. He still wouldn’t speak, he hadn’t spoken to Jinyoung once in the time Jinyoung had been with him. The look in his eyes at times scared Jinyoung. He looked barely there. Jinyoung couldn’t imagine what he endured.

Jinyoung arrived each morning since he got permission and stayed with Jaebeom the whole day each day, he could tell Jaebeom needed it. Jaebeom looked afraid of every other person that wasn't Jinyoung. He seemed afraid of needles as well, and everything that they did to him. Jinyoung hated seeing him hurting so much. He was glad just being there seemed to put Jaebeom at ease. 

The doctors left and Jinyoung returned to his normal place, a chair at Jaebeom’s bedside. He’d brought a couple books with him, things to distract Jaebeom. Jinyoung was reading to him like Jaebeom had done for Jinyoung when Jinyoung had gotten back from the games. Jinyoung wanted to make sure Jaebeom didn’t feel alone. He wanted Jaebeom to feel safe. He wanted Jaebeom to lean on him since Jaebeom needed someone. He was sure Jaebeom needed someone, even if he wouldn’t talk about what happened it was clearly bad.

"Jaebeom," Jinyoung said his name, "they brought you soup." The doctors had left a trey, likely assuming that Jinyoung would help with it like he often did. They seemed respectful of leaving Jinyoung alone with Jaebeom often. The elder's eyes met him and they looked empty. 

"Please try to eat,” Jinyoung said softly. Jinyoung reached over to help and held up the spoon for him. The elder looked at it and at him twice before accepting it. Jinyoung gave him more until Jaebeom wouldn't eat anymore and that was when Jaebeom finally spoke.

"I don't trust them," his voice was hoarse, barely coming out. But more than that what stood out to Jinyoung was that his first words were not the ones Jinyoung had expected to hear. He felt selfish, wanting to hear three different words from Jaebeom. He knew that it didn’t matter that much but it hurt, it hurt slightly.

"It'll all be okay," Jinyoung spoke to reassure him, "you're safe here." 

"We're not safe," Jaebeom got out. Jinyoung understood, it was probably difficult for Jaebeom to feel safe at all. He’d gone through something unimaginable, whatever Yang did to him had almost killed him.

"I'm right here," Jinyoung told him, "so you are. We are safe now, they’re not going to be able to reach us here.” Jinyoung reached and stroked his brow. Jaebeom shook his head as he looked around, suspicious of their surroundings. Jaebeom seemed afraid of everything else but Jinyoung. Jinyoung was saddened but he wanted Jaebeom to know nothing around him would hurt him. What had they done to him in that place? For what purpose? Jinyoung didn’t know but he also didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want Jaebeom to have to talk about it or remember it.

"Jinyoung," Jaebeom said calling his attention with his name, "I don't want to stay here." Jinyoung pursed his lips looking at Jaebeom’s eyes and trying to find what to say next. He could repeat over and over that they were safe and it wouldn’t make a difference if Jaebeom didn’t believe him.

"We can decide that once you're better," Jinyoung said to him, "but for now let's focus on you getting better so we can get you out of this hospital." He held up the spoon again and Jaebeom accepted it.

Jinyoung wondered if there was anywhere left to run in the entire world. District 13 had been the only safe place for them to go. There was a war raging in the districts, though 5 was newly freed. It was a possibility that they could stay in the victors village with the orphans. But if Yang found out he might make a move on 5 again. Anywhere they went they would have a target on them not just from Yang. Jinyoung was too prolific, people would take advantage of them wherever they ran to.

He kept feeding Jaebeom the soup until the elder wouldn’t eat more, he was tired and Jinyoung let him sleep. Jinyoung walked out of the room and towards the exit of the hospital with a mind to find himself food while Jaebeom was sleeping. Jinyoung was about to leave when he saw his father approaching him. Jinyoung stopped and turned towards the older man.

“Hi,” Jinyoung greeted him. His father looked like he had something important to say.

“Hi,” his dad responded, “I was told that you have been summoned.” Jinyoung wasn’t surprised, he didn’t expect to be left alone forever. They had told him that they were changing his role but he still had a role to play.

“Chae again?” Jinyoung asked.

“No actually,” his dad said, “if it was just her I would have ignored it. It’s Namjoon and Jin. They’re all back.” Jinyoung was surprised no one had told him that they were returning. He’d been so outside what the others were doing, since the mission.

“Well that definitely changes things,” Jinyoung said. He quickly hugged his dad, “good to see you, I got to go.” He let go and waved. With the others on base there would be news of exactly what was going on in the districts. He wanted to know how far along the war had gotten after the whispers that he’d heard and he did want to see them again. He’d missed having Jin’s steady nosy presence around.

He ran towards the meeting rooms where he knew the others would likely be, he wanted to get whatever meeting it was over with while Jaebeom was still sleeping. He ignored the looks he got as he ran though the halls and up stairs. He stepped towards the council room that had become completely familiar to him. The cameras still watched him, he was sure they were always rolling at every moment to catch any glimpse of him that could be used. Jinyoung didn’t bother wasting at the door, he opened it and entered.

When he walked in he found Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Jimin, Hoseok and Jackson were all there along with Chae, JYP and the district 13 council. Everyone turned to look at him and he blinked for a moment unsure what to say to them. It had only been days but it felt like longer than that. They were all in front of him again looking at him with expectation. He wondered what it was they wanted from him. 

“Welcome Jinyoung,” Chae was the first one to greet him, “nice of you to join us.” He assumed had probably interrupted some greater conversation going on given that his friends hadn’t greeted him. Jinyoung stepped in and took a seat, he didn’t greet Chae in return, he didn’t want to. For someone who wanted to be friends she wasn’t looking at him in a way that was friendly. There was a gleam of disdain in her eyes and Jinyoung glared at her in response as he sat down. He turned towards the others.

“Good to see you again,” Jinyoung said. He wanted to speak to them, he had only answered the summons to speak to them. Chae and her council members were nothing to him.

“It is good to be back,” Jin responded, “but things are a lot rougher in the districts than before.”

“What news is there?” Jinyoung asked. He wanted to know what they’d seen.

“Several districts are banding together to take out the weapons stronghold of the Capitol in District 2,” Namjoon replied, “we have come representing District 5 to ask for aid in this fight.” District 2 was the place where the Capitol housed it’s weapons factory. In a war cutting off the Capitol from producing deadly weapons was important. Hearing that the districts were moving together in a plan to take out the factories in District 2 was a sign of how the war was moving forward.

“Our people are scattered,” Chae spoke, “we can not commit troops to this endeavor at this time.” From what Jinyoung saw around the base there was a lot going on but there seemed to be many troops still in 13. He was confused why she couldn’t commit anyone to such an important mission. 

“With all due respect,” Jinyoung said, “my unit is all still here, send me and team X.” He’d seen his team a few times around base. They had likely been solely assigned to missions that had to do with him.

“That’s what we are asking for,” Jin agreed, “if Jinyoung comes along with the troops assigned to him it will make all the difference for morale.” Jinyoung watched Chae’s expression to that request. It was arranged carefully, nonchalant. When they’d told Jinyoung they wanted to scale back his involvement he hadn’t been surprised when he was left with weeks of inactivity. Not that he was desperate to get out onto the field, he had been busy caring for Jaebeom. But the war was still a part of him, and he wanted to make whatever difference he could.

And given that the others had come to 13 to bring him back, his role was needed again. If the people needed to see him he needed to go to them. If he could make the future better by just the sight of him he had to go. 

“I will send Jinyoung with you but not the special forces team,” Chae said, “like I have been clear on before Jinyoung arrived in this meeting. We are running operations to help 8 and 9, we do not have troops to spare for this mission.” Jinyoung furrowed his brow in confusion, it went counter to what he had been seeing in the district. There were troops everywhere.

“But if this makes a bigger difference in ending this war,” Jinyoung reasoned, “shouldn’t we send everything?” He wasn’t challenging her directly, Jinyoung wasn’t prepared for such a thing. But taking out District 2 would tip the balance in the war immediately. Chae had to understand that. She looked at him, her expression darker than Jinyoung had seen it before. There was an intensity behind her gaze he hadn’t been prepared for and in a flash it was gone, replaced by her usual annoyance. Jinyoung raised his brows.

“All we are asking for is the phoenix,” Jin spoke as if to get in between them, “but if there is more you can give it would help with morale to arrive with more troops.” She ignored Jin, her expression was still on Jinyoung. It made him uncomfortable as he wondered what she was doing. His hear rate sped up a touch faster as he wondered what she was playing at. He wondered if she wanted him to challenge her and what she would say if he did. He clenched his fists.

“What districts are going?” Jinyoung asked, a safe question. One to his friends and not to Chae.

“District’s 11, 8, 7, 6, 5 and 1 are all committing some troops but they still need to defend their own territories,” Namjoon said, “we don’t want to lose a majority of our forces on this mission before the final battle but this fight is going to be a difficult one. The people in District 2 who are on the Capitol’s side have weapons, and stockpiles of them.”

“I need my whole team,” Jinyoung mused and he turned back to Chae, “they wouldn’t refuse to come with me.” She leveled a gaze at him but she didn’t argue back immediately. “If we film this it can only help the revolution, and that’s what you want, isn’t it?” It was a direct challenge and it was dangerous, Jinyoung knew it was dangerous. Everything concerning Chae had always been dangerous.

“That is what we all want,” Chae said with a smile, “to win this revolution in a glorious victory.” She sighed and leaned back in her chair, “I will send your team then, and any victors that would like to tag along on a volunteer basis of course may go.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung said. He was ready for another fight. After seeing what Yang had done to Jaebeom up close the past few weeks he wanted out on the field. He wanted to make Yang pay for what he’d done. Jinyoung wanted to see Yang’s hold over Panem ripped away piece by piece. He was glad for Chae’s decision but as the meeting continued whenever his gaze met her’s he wondered what she was really thinking.

After the meeting he sat with Jin back in his unit to catch up, to talk. Jin was always someone who had tried to look out for Jinyoung, from the first moment he’d met him. The other victors had gone off to speak to some of the generals who were at the base. Jinyoung had noticed that Jin had clearly wanted to talk to him. The best place for them to talk was in his unit. Away from the cameras in the halls that seemed to keep eyes on everything happening in the base. Jinyoung was growing more aware of his own actions, his every move. He had to be careful.

“How have things been?” Jin asked. He’d asked a few times in different ways. There was something he was trying to get at like he always had. Jinyoung knew among his friends he had to be more careful around Jin. Somehow Jin could just see more than the others.

“Everything’s fine,” he replied, “it’s really fine.” Jinyoung didn’t think his response was incorrect. He felt like things were just fine. Everyone was alive, step by step things were starting to move forward. 

“How’s Mark?” Jin asked. Jinyoung’s heart sank. In terms of who was fine, what was fine, and what wasn’t… Nothing around Mark seemed to be fine. All Jinyoung felt when he thought of Mark was guilt. Mark shouldn’t have been there, he’d only gone to protect Jinyoung. Because Mark hadn’t been able to protect Jinyoung in the games like the others, he’d wanted to stay by Jinyoung’s side. 

“Mark is...” Jinyoung paused. Jin always knew how to hit at the hardest things he was dealing with head on. Jin found the things that were hurting him and made him confront them. He knew he was frowning deep, none of it was easy to face. 

“He’s alive,” Jinyoung said softly. That was the positive. Mark wasn’t gone, Mark hadn’t left him like the others who had gotten between him and Yang.

“What happened?” Jin asked him.

“A bullet hit his spine,” Jinyoung said and tears filled his eyes as he said it. “They couldn’t...” Jinyoung did feel tears run down his face but he couldn’t say it with words. It was too hard for him to admit what had gone wrong because of him but he knew Jin understood. There was no way for the doctors to repair damage like that, Mark would never walk again. That was what he was told and that truth hurt him. It felt out of his control and he knew he couldn’t have done anything to change it but Mark was there to protect him. Everytime someone was died or got hurt protecting him he bore nothing but guilt.

“Jinyoung,” Jin broke him from his thoughts, “you surely don’t blame yourself this time.” Jinyoung couldn’t help it but he shook his head in denial. He knew how to refocus and train his thoughts to make the lie believable. He just wished things could have gone different. He trained his mind, he just wished things had gone different. Mark had wanted to protect him…

“I don’t know what to do,” Jinyoung said, “they’ll wake him in a few days since he’s healed so much. But how do you tell someone something like that?” He could he tell Mark his life had changed forever. Nothing would ever be the same.

“You will get through it,” Jin responded, “both of you will.” It seemed too simple of a response to Jinyoung but reality was in those words. There was nothing they could do but get through it. He worried so much about Mark and how Mark would feel when he woke up. Mark had lost his entire family when District 12 had been destroyed, and Mark had gotten Youngjae out. He’d protected Youngjae before his own family.

Jinyoung worried about what would happen to him and how he would feel. Jinyoung knew how easily darker thoughts could twist and fester inside the mind. All Jinyoung wanted to do all he could to fix everything. He wanted to fix Jaebeom and to fix Mark. He wanted to fix Panem, change the entire nation and somehow that seemed easier than helping those closest to him. And of course he felt guilt. They’d all been hurt because of him. 

“How is Jaebeom?” Jin asked him. He had known that was coming well before they’d sat down together.

“Bad,” Jinyoung replied honestly, “he can breathe on his own now which is a big step but it will be a long road. He’ll get better but it will be slow.” He’d had to accept that reality. Jaebeom needed time, he’d only just felt comfortable enough to speak again. Jinyoung would have to be there for him, to stay by him every step of the way.

Jin reached for Jinyoung and hugged him. Jinyoung breathed deep leaning in to Jin. It felt nice to have someone to lean to, because what he carried seemed too much at times. And the two people who were rocks in his life were suffering greatly. It hurt that he couldn’t really change anything about it. He couldn’t turn back time and stop the things that had occurred. If he could he’d do it in a heartbeat.

“I want to kill Yang,” Jinyoung whispered as Jin pulled back, “I want to stand in the Capitol and fire an arrow into his heart.” He said it, one of his darkest thoughts that burned inside him. He wanted to see that man die. 

“We’ll get you that chance,” Jin responded, “but you’ll need your head clear, you can’t enter the battlefield for revenge alone.”

“No, but revenge is a powerful motivator,” Jinyoung replied, “people have run into battle for less. You haven’t seen what he did to Jaebeom, killing Jaebeom would have been merciful.” He was glad that hadn’t happened but dealing with the doctors for weeks, dealing with the damage. It made him angry, the amount of wounds, fractures, damage, everything that Yang had done had been terrible. 

“I believe you,” Jin said, “I know what kind of man he is. I was in two arenas same as you. But I want your head clear. You need to be ready to leave tonight. We are going to a real warzone this time. This is different than any challenges you faced in the other districts. Get good rest before we depart.” Jinyoung nodded in agreement. This would be different but rest was something he knew he wouldn’t get much of.

When Jin left instead of resting Jinyoung went back to the hospital. If they were leaving again he needed to spend as much time with Jaebeom as he could. The doctors knew to let him in when he arrived, they knew where he was going. Jinyoung went straight to Jaebeom’s room and found the elder was still sleeping. He walked and sat in his chair intending to wait in hope that Jaebeom would wake up before he had to leave. He didn’t want to leave the elder without Jaebeom knowing he was gone and that he would be back.

Jaebeom was so afraid all the time. Jinyoung didn’t want him afraid that Jinyoung had been taken somewhere or kept away from him. 

He was glad when Jaebeom did wake up. He woke up with pure fear in his eyes but once his eyes settled on Jinyoung and the younger took his hand it faded. Jaebeom didn’t trust anyone except Jinyoung. He felt sad, Jinyoung wanted to stay with Jaebeom but he had a duty to fulfill.

“Jaebeom,” Jinyoung said, “I have to go away. It may be a few days before I’m back but I’ll be back as soon as I can. You’ll be safe here, and I will be back.” He said it but it was awkward, he hardly knew how to phrase what he had to say. He didn’t really know how to tell Jaebeom not to be afraid and that everything would be okay. Those words seemed worthless.

“Where?” Jaebeom asked. Of course he would want to know. Jinyoung hadn’t much left his side in weeks and suddenly he was leaving.

“To District 2,” Jinyoung replied, “a lot has been happening since...” Since they left him behind, since Jinyoung let go of him and Yang took him. Jinyoung couldn’t explain it to Jaebeom quickly and he didn’t want to bring up what had happened.

“Why are you going?” Jaebeom asked next. Jinyoung could see Jaebeom struggling, and Jinyoung felt something in his heart with Jaebeom’s question. 

“I have been working with District 13 to aid in the revolution we started,” Jinyoung replied, “I have a mission, something I need to do for the good of everyone.” Jaebeom didn’t speak in response he looked blank in expression. Jinyoung hated seeing him tormented, broken, gone. Jaebeom wasn’t the person he knew before, the person he remembered. He couldn’t read this Jaebeom, he couldn’t see what he was feeling. It broke his heart not knowing where Jaebeom stood and how he really was feeling. 

“While I am gone you’ll be safe here,” Jinyoung told him, “my dad works here, he’ll watch over you.” He saw the confusion on Jaebeom’s face.

“Your father?” Jaebeom asked. Jinyoung knew why he would be confused by that. In the time they spent together Jinyoung had no good relationship with his father. 

“A lot has changed,” Jinyoung couldn’t say more. He didn’t want to go into what exactly forced a reconciliation between Jinyoung and Youngmin. Jaebeom didn’t need to know about the more difficult things that had taken place. He didn’t need to be burdened by Jinyoung’s struggles.

“I can tell,” Jaebeom said quietly. His expression still looked so empty.

“You can trust my dad,” Jinyoung said, “he’ll take good care of you. He saved my life and he will make sure you have everything you need here.” Jinyoung really did know his father had saved him. If Jinyoung had kept down the path he was on he likely would have died. He’d been out of control just taking as much of that drug as he could not realizing the damages it could do. 

He’d been so lost in his own mind he hadn’t been able to process critically what was even happening to him. He understood better the damage those drugs could do. The detox process he’d been on with his fathers supervision had given him a glimpse of the true nature of the addiction. Jinyoung still had to talk to his father often about if he was craving the feeling the drugs had brought, that numbness. His father wanted honesty to keep track of how Jinyoung was truly doing mentally.

Things really had changed. Jinyoung had learned to trust and rely on his father and he valued what he had found. He hadn’t really even processed it but he himself was very different, just like Jaebeom was different. But while Jinyoung had become stronger in the dark, Jaebeom had been torn apart by what they’d done to him. Jinyoung would just have to guide him out of it.

“I love you, Jaebeom,” Jinyoung told him, “we will get through this, I promise.” He told Jaebeom everyday that he loved him. Hoping that would make a difference. Jaebeom didn’t respond. He didn’t even look like he was listening. If Jinyoung had said it didn’t hurt it would have been a lie. It hurt very much to say those words and get in return such empty expression. He knew Jaebeom would need time but he could stop himself from feeling hurt with a strange distance between them. 

For so long he’d craved the moment he would have Jaebeom back. He’d yearned for the love he’d found, the things he’d realized far to late in the dark of the arena. There was so much they could have had if Jinyoung had realized it sooner. Getting Jaebeom back, he knew that it wouldn’t be a reset on where they’d been but he hadn’t been prepared for what the distance felt like. 

“Jaebeom,” Jinyoung pleaded softly, “please.” He just wanted to hear those words in return. Jaebeom looked at him and when their eyes met Jinyoung saw a sadness but none of the love that used to reside there. Just uncertainty.

“I need time,” Jaebeom replied, “understand.” 

“I do,” Jinyoung said, “but I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yes, you are,” Jaebeom replied. Jinyoung flinched, the way he said it was almost accusatory but Jinyoung couldn’t understand it. They were finally communicating but it was a struggle.

“You know what I mean,” Jinyoung responded, “I will be back, and I will always be back. I’m not giving up on you, not ever.” That was the truth.

“Yeah,” Jaebeom said a single word but Jinyoung didn’t feel he meant it. 

“I will give you all the time you need to recover,” Jinyoung said, “but I want you to be honest with me.” He remembered Jaebeom had always pushed him to be honest. When he was struggling Jaebeom had gotten him to talk through it. “How are you feeling? Please tell me something, anything.” Jaebeom looked straight ahead, tears had filled his eyes.

“Yang told me everyday he would kill you...” Jaebeom trailed off, Jinyoung waited. Tears filled his eyes. “He told me you were coming. He wanted you to come for me... I can’t— I can’t talk about what happened there. I always remembered you, I said your name...” He was talking over it for the first time, he was saying something. Jinyoung watched his expression.

Jinyoung wanted to reach for his hand but he didn’t want to interrupt.

“That helped, thinking of you helped…” Jaebeom said, “at first your name helped every moment, then it got hard. I was afraid if I said your name too much that you would come. And I didn’t want you to be there, I didn’t want him to have you. I was so scared when you came. Yang wanted you to come and I still don’t understand why, our escape was too easy. Something is still wrong with all this.” 

Jinyoung felt a familiar feeling in his veins, a vibration humming underneath his skin of fear. Because he’d had many nights of being unable to breathe in fear of what was coming. Getting away from Yang like he had multiple times did feel as Jaebeom said, too easy. Something made him feel like Yang had let him walk away for some reason and he didn’t like that feeling. He didn’t like the feeling of playing into anything that man wanted. But he couldn’t share that with Jaebeom or agree with that. He had to deny such feelings.

“It wasn’t easy,” Jinyoung chose to say, “we didn’t make it out unscathed.” Every believable lie had to have truth to it. He thought of Taeyeon, and Mark, there were consequences to what they’d done. What happened was not easy on any of them.

“Who did we lose?” Jaebeom asked. Jinyoung breathed deep and thought through it, he didn’t know if it was a good idea to tell Jaebeom. He could lie again, say they lost no one but it wouldn’t do them any good. 

“Taeyeon,” Jinyoung said, “she stayed behind to cover our escape. Eunjung, a girl from one who came died.” He wondered if he should say the other part but he needed to be honest to get Jaebeom to trust that he would be honest. Jinyoung wanted Jaebeom to be open with him so he had to say what had happened.

“Mark,” Jinyoung said and Jaebeom’s face dropped, “he’s alive...” He added that part quickly to ease Jaebeom after seeing his expression. “He’s alive but he’s... he’s hurt real bad.” Jinyoung had trouble thinking it, saying it. He hated that it had happened.

“Rescuing me wasn’t worth all that,” Jaebeom said softly. Jinyoung wanted to argue with him, he needed to. Rescuing Jaebeom meant everything to him and the others had wanted to get him back as well. Jinyoung couldn’t let him believe it wasn’t worth it.

“Jaebeom everyone was ready to fight for you, I wanted to right for you,” Jinyoung said, “you are worth that. I love you, you know that.” He wanted affirmation that Jaebeom knew that. Jaebeom stiffened, tensed. He didn’t look at Jinyoung.

“Then you shouldn’t have left me behind.” Jaebeom said. It was cold, his expression was cold when he did look at Jaebeom. Those words hurt, Jinyoung still wished everything had gone down different. What Jaebeom endured never should have happened and Jinyoung’s time with him in the present was almost over. He couldn’t make anything better or reach him in the short time before he had to leave.

“I’m coming back,” Jinyoung said cause he wanted Jaebeom to remember that. “It may be a bit, but I am coming back. I will always come back for you. Don’t believe anything else, I’m sorry I didn’t stop the worst from happening before. I won’t let it happen again.” Sorry didn’t fix anything, being sorry didn’t change it. But Jinyoung wouldn’t let it happen again, that part was honest.

He had to go, but he wanted Jaebeom to be assured things were going to be all right. He leaned down towards Jaebeom and placed a kiss on his forehead. He remembered when Jaebeom’s ghost of a kiss had meant everything to him. 

“Remember I love you,” Jinyoung said. Jaebeom didn’t respond to those words but that wouldn’t change them. He spoke words that were true as a promise. As Jaebeom had said that day that he would always love Jinyoung, so Jinyoung would always love Jaebeom. That was part of the reason he knew he had to keep fighting the war outside.

It hurt because the man he saw wasn’t his Jaebeom. They had shattered him and reshaped him and Jinyoung couldn’t see him anymore. That hurt like hell. Like the cruelest torture, and perhaps that is why Yang let them go. Because he knew the way Jaebeom was would hurt Jinyoung horribly. Jinyoung left the hospital, he found a place he could be alone in the back vents of the air ventilation system. In a place where Jaebeom’s voice was once the only thing that held him together. And in that place he cried, the pain was so steep he broke down under how it hurt.

He had to put on a strong expression and forget it for the mission. Forget how broken Jaebeom was and how he hadn’t gotten there in time to stop it. At least Jaebeom was safe from Yangs clutches but it felt like he was still faraway. It felt like Jaebeom was still back in that horrible place where Jinyoung couldn’t reach him. Like he hadn’t come home.

Jinyoung felt the lowest he had in a long time considering the past and how empty the present made him feel. Weaknesses were always there, they just hid themselves until people hurt so bad that they couldn’t hide them. Weaknesses could take over in times of pain and desperation. Jinyoung knew he walked on a knifes edge just trying to keep from falling. Strength was hard to find, but he had to do it alone. Whatever it took he had to find his own way forward with whatever he needed to accomplish it…

—————

That night a single large hovercraft took off from District 13. It was a long flight, a longer journey than any of the ones they had taken. District two was high up in a different direction than the other districts. It was a mountainous region. They all understood it would be a long flight. The hovercraft they were on had bunks for them to sleep if they wished too. Jin was sure all of them would at some point on the flight. Jin watched as Jinyoung got onto the craft and went straight for the bunks to sleep. Many others did as well but Jin worried about Jinyoung’s expression. He wore a troubled expression that reminded Jin too much of the way Jinyoung had looked in harder times.

Jinyoung had been looking so confident in taking on each challenge that came. It was easy to forget it had only been a short time since everything almost went a different direction. It had not been long since Jinyoung had almost overdosed on drugs. He still needed them to look out for him and his best interests. Maybe taking him on another mission wasn’t wise but Jinyoung seemed to do better when had something to apply energy towards.

Jin also noticed when Jackson had come aboard that he looked like he wasn’t doing well either. He had agreed to come on the mission and he had handled himself but Jin could see he looked tired. Taeyeon hadn’t come back from the rescue and Jackson was trying to be strong about it. She had left her necklace with her sisters, he wore it around his neck. Jin noticed it when he’d first seen Jackson again but he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t know if bringing it up would make anything better.

“What are you thinking about?” Jimin asked him, he was leaning on Jin as they shared a bunk and tried to get some sleep on the flight. Jimin was sensitive and could likely tell there was a lot on Jin’s mind.

“Just everything we’ve gone through,” Jin replied, “we’re on the edge of real change but the costs are piling up.” Everytime they stepped out on a mission they knew there was a risk of losing their lives. They could be moments away from losing at any given time. The thought was sobering. 

“There was always going to be a cost,” Jimin said. It was sad to Jin that someone so young had grown up in such a world that he felt that way.

“I know that,” Jin replied, “and I’m ready to pay it, but these boys weren’t. Mark and Jinyoung were pulled into all this, so was Taehyung, Yugyeom and many of the others. We prepared for this day, they didn’t.” They’d had different lives in 5. Namjoon’s father believed in the revolution, there were sparks of it there long before Jinyoung. It’s why the older man had died. Because Yang had eyes everywhere.

“I don’t agree,” Jimin said, “they were ready for this just as we much as we were. Every person in every district is ready to fight. I watched it up close. You weren’t on my side of the arena during during the quarter quell. Every single thing that Jinyoung did was sparks and sparks make fire.” Jin believed him, he had witnessed how powerful Jinyoung could be up close. What had been a concept to him became a reality on their missions. When Jinyoung showed up he changed the game.

“If the most complacent people in district 5 were ready to answer the call the moment Jinyoung looked into the camera, then everyone was,” Jimin continued, “maybe they didn’t all count the costs but we’ll all take it. For a future of peace everything will be worth it.” Jin understood what he was saying, he really did. He just didn’t feel any of it was fair.

“The people of this nation will look at their children in the future and say yes this was all worth it,” Jimin added, “because they were all dying, in the capitols generators, of starvation and the hunger games. Kids were publicly being murdered. That moved all of us, not just those of us in 5 whose parents wanted to start the war preemptively.”

“I see what you’re saying,” Jin said, “every single person was fuel, and Jinyoung ignited them. So thus you believe everyone was ready but I still say Jinyoung wasn’t. Who could be ready to be what he has become?” Jinyoung had been on the verge of falling apart since Jin had met him. He remembered how Jinyoung was before the quarter quell and during. He was still fresh out of his first Hunger Games, barely keeping himself above water. 

“Yet he has arisen to the challenge,” Jimin said. “He has done everything better than anyone could have expected. You know that.” Jimin was right, Jinyoung had done more than they’d ever imagined. Every single move he made was real, no effort was spared and nothing fake was going on. All the footage they’d gotten was just Jinyoung being who he was. Brash, brazen, bold and strong willed. Jinyoung wore his heart out in the open for all to see and that heart was one of pure goodness. 

But Jin had seen Jinyoung struggle in the worst ways, up close. He’d heard from Jinyoung’s own mouth about his lower moments, and witnessed how far Jinyoung would go. Part of his effortless way with winning people over was how he threw himself into harms way without a care for his own well being. It was that same boy who had shouted to volunteer for his brother. Jinyoung did whatever he felt was right no matter what harm it could cause to him.

“Jinyoung has done well,” Jin said, “but still I worry about him. He isn’t going to walk away from all this okay. Disillusionment is coming, and none of this is going to be solved in a simple way.” The truth was when Yang went down a power vacuum would be dangerous and Jin knew Chae wanted to fill it. And if Chae was truly behind the drugs Jinyoung had been taking… she knew Jinyoung could stand in her way.

“I know,” Jimin replied, “we’re all just children, forced to grow up before we should have.” They were effecting real change, doing things many others only dreamed of but yes most of them were still kids. Jin wasn’t and he was disillusioned by all that was happening, because he saw what others could not see.

What Chae had done to Jinyoung made him realize that they couldn’t fully trust anyone but each other. Not everyone wanted to protect Jinyoung, they didn’t have his interests and well being in mind. He was a means to an end and his popularity meant he could easily become a challenger. Chae would seek to make him a martyr and make herself more visible. That’s what Jin believed was happening.

What happened in District 12, the peacekeepers arriving to take Jinyoung and everything being filmed… that wasn’t an accident. Jin didn’t believe that for a moment. He worried for Jinyoung and worried he wouldn’t be able to protect him much longer. He had hoped bringing Jaebeom back would bring in someone else who could be there but Jaebeom was bad off and Mark was crippled. The next best person was Jackson.

“Jimin’s right,” Yoongi said, Jin hadn’t been aware the other boy had still been awake, “you think really think loud.” He grumbled and turned over to Jin with a pout expression. “Things aren’t as complicated as you make them. Sooner or laters all our enemies act exactly as we expect them too and then we take them out.” That would be the way that Yoongi saw it. Yoongi’s mind was always on how best to kill his enemies.

“I’m afraid it won’t be simple. If our enemies gain the support of the people,” Jin said, “and we do anything we will become the most hated people in the nation.” They were speaking on something that could turn treasonous towards a leader who was trying to make herself a savior to Panem. They all knew it was about Chae.

“Our people know dictators when they see them,” Yoongi said, “they’ll be on our side.”

“We can’t be sure,” Jin shook his head. People had short memories.

The mob that was to easily won could be won by somebody else. Every word they spoke was like sowing seeds in dangerous ground. But it was still ground they would have to cover. Possibly soon with how quickly the rebellion was moving. It wouldn’t be long after Yang was down that they would likely have to strike. It was time to start preparing for the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a difficult one to write but I got it all out and done.
> 
> Please comment and let me know what you think. There's a dramatic encounter to come.


	3. Conviction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is determined to help take District 2, his conviction leads him in every step.

As if held under, he slept heavy and deep. He could feel sleep in his body almost like it had taken over but part of his mind was still conscious… or was it. Was he just insane. Jinyoung felt a jolt, his eyes shot open at a sudden movement of the hovercraft they were in. It broke him from the comfort of sleep back to the reality that waking brought. His body felt heavy and stiff he shifted in his bunk to stretch. He breathed deeply and carefully.

A lot of people seemed to be sleeping. He had always thought District 2 was between 1 and 3 but had discovered it was higher up past the Capitol even, higher in the mountains. They had to fly around the Capitol to get to it and the flight was so long they’d been provided with bunks to sleep in. He was glad of that, he didn’t know what he would have done if forced to speak to his friends through a long flight. He didn’t want to speak to anyone. He just wanted to sleep, let his body fall numb and sleep. That way he could forget for awhile instead of being forced to confront what was happening. They always tried to get him to talk about what was going on and this time he didn’t want to talk about it.

Jinyoung closed his eyes to try and sleep again, the hovercraft jolted again. His mouth felt dry. His heartbeat felt slow. He sat up in his bunk and stretched his arms. At least he’d slept peacefully, no nightmares had knocked at the corners of his consciousness to break into his thoughts. He looked around, there were so many others in the bunks and all were fast asleep. He swung his legs over the side of the bunk. The craft was moving but the floor was solid under his feet. He stood up carefully. 

When he’d entered the ship Shownu had explained to him where the food and water would be. Since it was a long flight they had brought provisions aboard. The goal was that there team would be refreshed enough to easily join in on the fight when they landed. They had no idea what they were actually walking into. It was different than entering a district in the past for some clips for propaganda. They were about to enter heavily contested zone.

Jinyoung didn’t know what they expected him to do. Stand and be an inspiration is what they’d probably say. He wouldn’t be able to just stand there useless, he would want to be a part of whatever fight was going on. He wasn’t sure what to expect but he was glad the others were asleep. He didn’t want to discuss it just yet.

He stumbled a bit as the ship moved. He caught himself on the wall, it was difficult to balance in the dark of the craft with it moving. The lights were low so that people could sleep, the floor lights helped him find his way. He walked into the back where the water was. He startled as he realized someone was there, he looked at the person. Yoongi sat on a box near one of the viewports. He was wide awake Yoongi twirling a knife in his hand. His eyes met Jinyoung’s, something about Yoongi’s gaze had always been different. 

Jinyoung looked away and reached the water. His hand shook as he got one of the cups and poured some. He raised his cup to his lips and drank slowly. The taste of water was a relief. His body felt heavy, tired and he knew it would be good to sleep a bit more before they landed. With the water in his system it wouldn’t be as difficult, he really had been thirsty. He put his cup down and took a deep breathe.

He wanted to be completely ready for what was to come. He couldn’t have weakness or exhaustion getting in his way. As Jinyoung stood for a moment longer he felt uncomfortable like Yoongi’s eyes were still on him. He turned and met Yoongi’s eyes and he nodded to acknowledge the other boy cleanly. Yoongi’s gaze was piercing, watching seemingly everything and Jinyoung felt oddly like Yoongi was taking in details. He wondered what Yoongi had endured during his time in District 1 when he had been missing.

Jinyoung wanted to talk to him and ask but he got the feeling that Yoongi would see everything he would much rather keep buried. There was always something about Yoongi that felt different. The two of them had few conversations but it felt like they’d had more. Jinyoung felt an odd familiarity when he looked at the other. They shared something, a connection with a small boy taken away too soon. That meant a lot to both of them.

Jinyoung turned away and focused on walking as the floor wasn’t easy to walk on with the craft moving. He got back to his bunk and laid down. He pulled his blankets around himself and closer to try and get relief from how cold it seemed to be. He felt tired but finding rest wasn’t easy. His mind was active, spinning in circles. 

He felt cold deep down to his emotions, something he hadn't sought in awhile but it was almost relieving. The things going on around him had intensified. He almost felt like he was swimming trying to keep his head above the water while waves kept coming along to push him back under. He was looking for a shoreline, for anything he could hold onto that would keep him from going under. This time he found nothing, no one. Because no one else was tasked with the mission and burden he was. No one else could understand his place in this game. He was alone in what he had to do. Entirely alone.

He was reminded then of a conversation he had once had with Seokjin in a time where everything seemed so strange. He hadn’t been sure what was about to happen to him back then. He hadn’t known where the arena would take him, but Jin had known. Jin had known all along that the intent was to make Jinyoung the symbol of the rebellion. Maybe he already had been that symbol before he’d agreed to it. They’d taken ownership of him before he’d said yes.

_“I know you don’t quite get it but there will come a day when you do .And on that day you may find the place you are in is quite lonely. None of us will be able to understand that burden. Know that there will always be people who love you waiting for you.”_

That day had come, he understood his importance now and even to an extent why it had fallen on his shoulders. In that he felt completely alone, not because he was really alone but because he had no one who could understand. No one who could be what he was or relate to the things he felt. He was the phoenix because he had defied their game and had still lived.

When all the odds were against him he had lived. That was why people saw him as their hope, because they also hoped to live as he had. It was a burden he thought that was too heavy but he didn't have a choice. He couldn’t lay it aside because there was too much on the line. He had to make do with what he had, with what was going on around him. If he stumbled no one could take his place. If he fell he needed to stand back up. Because only he could carry the war, only he could be the revolution. The people had placed everything upon him and that was just how it was. It wouldn’t change until they won.

There were so many that he loved and that loved him, he was fighting for them. When he stepped out he remembered he was fighting for their safety. He appreciated their presence in his life but he didn't know if they understood they were in fact waiting. Everyone was waiting for all the war to finally end, and he had to be the one to end it for them.

He wasn't sure anymore what he really wanted. He has wanted to move forward to end the wary but he had Jaebeom back. That changed things in a way. Because Jaebeom was broken, he didn't come home alright and Jinyoung realized he wasn't sure he wanted to keep going forward anymore. He wanted to walk a path backwards in time, before the second quarter quell was announced. Before he lit the fires of revolution. He wanted to go back to when it was just him and Jaebeom walking along the train tracks. Back to a time where they could both dream run away, to find peace and safety. 

He thought of how Jaebeom told Jinyoung he wanted to leave Jinyoung was sure he understood what Jaebeom meant. Jaebeom wanted to go back as well. How could he not want that? Before everything had been so simple, when things got difficult he had Jaebeom to rely on. Things had changed, in the present time he was in he had nothing.

He had thought bringing back Jaebeom would fix everything but it brought so much more pain and struggle. It brought back the feelings of emptiness and lack of purpose that had driven him to numbing himself down with drugs. Those feelings that had driven him to lash out at those that loved him. He had that same emptiness and loneliness still clawing at his chest.

Not all damaged things could be fixed, not all broken paths could intertwine again. Where he had hope for getting back what it was he had, it had changed to a fear that he could never really get it back. He had told Jaebeom he loved him, over and over and heard nothing in return. No response. Jaebeom wouldn’t respond to him.

He wanted words, he needed words. Jaebeom before would have known what to say and what Jinyoung needed. Jaebeom had always known when Jinyoung wanted silence and when Jinyoung wanted words. Even when he was being an ass, he still knew. How simple things had been in the mess of the world around them, fate wouldn't allow good things to exist.

When a beautiful thing blossomed, it would soon die. That was how the world the lived in worked, each flower would fade within days. Trees would shed their leaves and make way for snowfall. Beautiful things all came to an end. Yet new things always came in their place, new beautiful things. Even without Yang's evil the world shed it's cover of beauty again and again to make way for new things. 

Maybe he couldn't mend it or fix it but maybe he could cultivate something new. Something that in time could match what they had before. But how could he do that on his own? He couldn't forge a path for them on his own, he needed Jaebeom to help him. They both needed to accept the past to find their future together. Jinyoung couldn't accept a future that would be empty or devoid of Lim Jaebeom. They were pulled together, they belonged together. He was still holding on because he believed that. He’d fought so hard because he’d believed in Jaebeom.

Of all the things he hadn’t been certain of, he knew truly that Jaebeom belonged in his life. Not for a short time between two games that were meant to tear them apart. They found each other for a reason, they would always find each other. They would have to find each other with the changes that had happened between them.

Jinyoung could see that Jaebeom was lost. Everything in his eyes was empty and broken. Just as Jinyoung felt his whole existence was being torn to shreds, that he bore a burden alone. He was lost in his pursuit, to end the war he had begun. Since they were both lost, then they would both have to stumble over and over again till they found their way back to who they were. Who they were was always meant to be defined with the other.

"I love you, I always will.” Jaebeom had meant it, so Jinyoung believed it. That thought is what finally put him to rest, even though the time he would get that rest was short.

Soon enough the sun had risen and the hovercraft touched down in the mountainous region of district 2. Jinyoung stepped out of the hovercraft, the sight of the suns rays over the mountains was beautiful. Breathtaking, but it was tainted by the sight of burned structures. Evidence of battles taken place. He walked down the ramp slowly as he perceived how many people were waiting beyond. He still felt weary, not ready for what was waiting for him. 

His friends walked some ahead, some behind. They were ignored, all eyes were on Jinyoung. Voices and murmurs of his name, he could hear them. He wasn’t used to what it was he was hearing. He looked ahead of him to where Jin walked with Namjoon and Yoongi. Jinyoung was flanked by Shownu and his team but there was no one for Jinyoung to reach for. He had to keep stepping forward no matter how nervous he felt with all those who were watching him.

He followed his friends trying to ignore all the eyes that turned to him. His armor was on, his bow and quiver were slung against his back. He understood to people he was someone they’d seen on a screen, a legend of sorts. It was different for them seeing that he was real.

Jinyoung followed as they walked towards the center of the town and up a small hill. There was a large structure that was open to the outside and inside there were people standing around a large table. Jinyoung began to understand as he introduced that these were the generals. The generals who led the army that was made up of many districts. They’d all converged upon District 2. The fragmented war Jinyoung had grown accustomed to had evolved. It was much bigger than it had been, much more real.

Jinyoung glanced around the generals as they began to brief Namjoon and the team on what was happening One woman in particular stood out to Jinyoung, she stood among the leaders of District 1. She looked familiar but she didn't introduce herself only the generals spoke their names. One name did catch Jinyoung’s attention, he was leading for District 6 had the same surname as Minho. He introduced himself as General Song. Jinyoung wondered but he hoped that it was coincidence and that the older general had no relation to the boy he’d known in the games.

Jinyoung didn't want to deal with anything like that. It was scary enough to think that there were families of the kids who were in the games with him that he could encounter. There were people who had lost their children in a competition which Jinyoung had won. They’d all died and Jinyoung had survived.

Jinyoung sat on a block of concrete as the generals stood around in front of a holomap of the mountain they were trying to take. It was a fortress, a stronghold built inside the mountain itself that was filled with weapons. Jackson stood beside Jinyoung, the other victor had become a constant and important presence in his life. Jinyoung felt more at ease with Jackson close by.

"The fortress will take months to invade," General Lee Hyuk-jae spoke, he the leader of District 2's small force, the one who’d started the fight, "we have the schematics but the entrances are all very defensible and our enemies have the upper hand of every weapon in that fortress available to them." Jinyoung listened and looked at the map.

"The generals on the side of the Capitol have moved quite a few peacekeepers to defending this key point," General Song said pointing to part of the mountain, "making the situation more volatile for us.”

"Is it just peacekeepers we have to worry about?" Namjoon asked. 

"No," General Lee said, "there are citizens in there." Jinyoung took a deep breath. "Many of the citizens of district 2 have been slow to join the war efforts. They see us as being led by a child. They have continued to work for the Capitol and many of them work in the mountain on the weapons the Capitol has been using to kill in other districts.” Jinyoung realized they were talking about him, he was the child leading the rebellion.

"We can't worry about them," someone said, "they chose their side and they will die fighting there.”

"Is that really the message we want to send?" Jinyoung asked. “You want to kill anyone who doesn't side with you?" He wasn't comfortable with the way that man had dismissed scared citizens as having chosen their side. He was dragged into the war himself, choosing to fight was not easy.

"This is war," General Song responded, "it is difficult to determine our enemies unless we have clear sides. Choosing to fight for the Capitol is choosing a side in this conflict and we can’t treat them any other way.”

“Wouldn’t that make us no different than Yang?" Jinyoung asked, "we have to be different, to show mercy and give people a real chance to change."

"We have been giving that chance," General Lee said, "but it is hard to change their minds in this.” That was where Jinyoung knew his role came in. He was meant to be the one uniting the districts in the fight.

"That is why I am here," Jinyoung responded, he knew his own value, "I can speak to them and give them a chance to change. If we have them on our side it will make a difference against the peacekeepers.”

“You’re not going to reach them in there," another said, "they're not going to listen to you.”

"We're not putting you in a dangerous situation with no guarantee of success," Shownu said to Jinyoung before turning to the generals. "It is true thought that Jinyoung could make a difference." Jinyoung resisted the urge to rolled his eyes, of course he could make a difference. He wasn’t facing Chae anymore, he was facing those who actually had their lives on the line in the Revolution.

"Still," General Lee said, "do we have months? We don't have the manpower for this fight to last long.”

"Then why spend months on a siege?” General Song asked, "why not use what hovercrafts and bombs we have and collapse the entrances..."

"Bury them alive?" the general from district one asked. Jinyoung was horrified as the idea seemed to strike everyone present.

“We’ll also be burying the weapons," General Song said, "the Capitol loses their entire upper hand against us in a single day.”

"And all those people will die,” Jinyoung argued, "people who deserve another chance to make their decision." He didn't agree with just killing people, it was no different than the hunger games. He understood to the Generals it would send a message that the rebellion wasn't playing around. Jinyoung didn’t like it. 

"There are costs in war," General Lee said.

“That’s a cost I'm not willing to pay," Jinyoung said, he had conviction. If they did something like this they were no different than their enemies. "This war is not the hunger games, we can't act like it is. It doesn't have to be kill or be killed!” Jinyoung stood up, "and we cannot compromise on what matters. We need to be different, to prove to those people in that mountain that we are different."

"And then Yang get's the weapons," General Song said, "and we lose." Jinyoung’s blood boiled that the General was making it that simple. He was about to interject again when Namjoon spoke.

“It doesn’t necessarily have to go that way,” Namjoon stepped forward and moved the schematics, "Jinyoung is right we have to be different and so we need a new plan. What is this here?" He asked pointing to the bottom of the schematic.

"Train tracks," General Lee said, “a cavern that connects to the upper fortress.” Jinyoung watched as Namjoon’s expression changed.

"I say we seal off every exit but this one," Namjoon said pointing to the same cavern, "some lives will be lost when we do, but not all. What people come down from the mountain, we can be ready for them in the caverns. There we will give Jinyoung a chance to turn the tide."

"Once again sending a child in," Song scoffed at the idea. Jinyoung glared. He didn’t like being called a mere child when he’d already endured so much for the sake of their revolution. If he was a child they’d offered a child as a sacrifice, a target for their enemies while they amassed their armies. Yang’s eyes remained steadfast on Jinyoung, but then again so did the eyes of the people.

"They do see him as just a child," General Lee said but he seemed to be exasperated by Song's opinions. Jinyoung got a feeling the two men didn’t exactly see eye to eye.

“Jinyoung is more than a child. He just happens to have survived a hunger games and a quarter quell made up of victors, experienced and ruthless killers,” Namjoon said, "none of you or them have made it through something like that." Jinyoung was annoyed as they weren’t calling Namjoon a child and he was the same age as Jinyoung. They looked at him with respect as one of the generals.

"I would like whoever still see's me a as just a child to watch the footage of what happened weeks ago in District 12," Jinyoung interjected. He didn’t need Namjoon to defend him, he could do it on his own. “A mere child did what most of you only wish you could do, the dead peacekeepers which I was just a child. I think you are exaggerating their issues with me being that I know President Chae broadcast those clips and that everyone here has seen them.” He didn’t believe they truly underestimated him. It was just words they said to make themselves feel better about being unable to handle the war without him. 

"Whatever the case the plan Namjoon has come up with is solid," General Lee said, "and Jinyoung you have proven your worth already so I will grant you this chance to speak with them.” Jinyoung could see General Song look displeased but the man held his tongue. 

"He won't be alone down there,” Shownu said, "we have a team together that will be around him. Trained soldiers so it should be perfectly fine if a fight breaks out.” Jinyoung felt Jackson's hand on his shoulder and knew it was a gesture of strength. Jackson wanted to remind Jinyoung he would be by Jinyoung’s side. Jinyoung did trust all Shownu and the others but he wasn’t as close with them as he was Jackson. 

The generals then took a vote and Jinyoung was glad at least own vote was counted in the decision. Almost all of them agreed with the plan so it would move forward. The council adjourned and they moved to make ready the bombing plan. Jinyoung stayed back with his team while Namjoon and the boys from 5 went to join with the assault on the mountain.

"How are you really?" Jackson asked him as they watched everything begin. A whole battle set in motion that was meant to turn the tides for all of them. Taking the Capitol’s weapon supply from them could only mean good things for the rest of the war.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" Jinyoung couldn't help himself from responding bitterly. Every single person seemed to think he would lie about what he was feeling. They emphasized the word ‘really’ in ways that made Jinyoung uncomfortable. He didn’t like so much scrutiny in on how he was feeling.

“We’re asking because you don't look okay,” Jackson said with a sigh.

"You don't either," Jinyoung countered, "are you really okay?" He pushed back and he knew it was unfair but nothing he’d said was untrue. Jackson didn’t seem okay. Jackson leaned back against one of the pillars and turned away from Jinyoung towards where the mountain was. They would be able to see the bombs falling from where they were.

"Touche," Jackson said softly, "we're both a mess." Jinyoung felt bad as he watched the way Jackson’s expression dropped. His friend was in pain, it was unfair of Jinyoung to push back at him with how he was probably feeling. 

"Have you talked with anyone about it Jacks?" Jinyoung asked him, he didn't think Jackson really had processed what had happened. Jinyoung realized he hadn’t made himself available for Jackson to talk. He hadn’t really thought of what he should do to help his friend. He’d been so fixated on his own problems.

"It's difficult to talk about," Jackson said, "I've lost a lot of people… people I loved. Just one day they're here and the next… you know you're never going to see them again. How do you talk about it when it was someone who was everything to you?" Jinyoung’s heart hurt looking at Jackson’s expression.

"You're starting to,” Jinyoung said softly, encouraging cause he wanted to help Jackson. If it was with words or whatever he needed. Jackson had helped him shoulder his own pain, he needed to help Jackson. Taeyeon had died because of his plan. A mission she’d helped, that she’d deemed necessary. She’d done so much for Jinyoung, for all of them.

"When you lost Jaebeom," Jackson began to speak again, "what did that feel like?" 

"Like I couldn't breathe," Jinyoung answered without a second thought. Because that was how it felt, like suffocating. Like there was no air in the atmosphere and that it wouldn’t matter if their was cause he felt like he didn’t want it. He struggled alone. 

"Magnify that," Jackson said, "because you knew there was a chance to get him back.”

And Jinyoung knew what he was saying because they knew without a doubt that Taeyeon wasn't coming back. She had made her final stand and did leave their world. It was painful but Jinyoung believed not talking about it wasn't the answer. He felt that maybe Jackson should talk about her, about them to remember. Memories could be solidified in words like a memorial.

"I wish I could change it," Jinyoung said, because he really wish he could. He wished he could change a lot that had happened.

"Don't," Jackson responded, "don't say things like that, don't go down that road. It doesn't help any of us." Jinyoung nodded, he wouldn't do it if Jackson didn’t want him to.

"Is talking helping?" Jinyoung asked him.

"Kinda," Jackson admitted.

"Then keep talking," Jinyoung said, "tell me more about her." He was saddened by the fact he hadn't known her well and she had done so much for him and Jaebeom. She’d saved him in the arena and broken it open for all of them to escape. She was a key player in the existence of the chance they had at revolution.

"We met in the Capitol," Jackson replied, "typical of victors but she was... she was the strongest person I’d met. She is a couple years older than me, when I first was brought to the Capitol after my games she was the person who first talked me through what was happening to me. She was the first person to remind me that I wasn't meant to be their slave." Jinyoung had never experienced what the other victors had gone through, his path had been so different. 

"It's difficult to understand where your identity fits in," Jackson continued, "when people are taking every advantage of you they can." Jinyoung couldn't even imagine how bad that experience was, he was lucky that he hadn't had to go through that. Yang had wanted him dead from the get go.

"When you're just a kid going through that," Jackson said, "it's even worse. She was my only friend when I was brought to the Capitol. She taught me how to manipulate them in return, how to gain some control over each situation I was forced into. It wasn't love at first when I knew her. But it grew before we knew it. She was kind and I loved her but I don’t actually know if she loved me the same way of if she humored me. But experiencing that trauma and leaning on one person tends to cause things to magnify.”

"If that's not the truth, I don't know what is," Jinyoung responded to the way Jackson had said it. He understood what it was like, a year isolated with only Jaebeom to get through to him. Things had grown before he’d known it.

"We took care of each other," Jackson said with a sad smile, “but all along I knew we couldn't be together, not really. Not just because of district separations but because of how dangerous it was to love something. She already had her sisters being used against her, I didn't want Yang to have more to use and she didn’t want to be used against me. So we kept mostly away from each other, it was difficult when we were both drawn for the quarter quell. It was a game we had to play, as if we didn't know each other. It was a difficult one to play. Especially when Jaebeom didn't trust she would save you." He remembered Jackson had backed her up.

"The game of acting indifferent..." Jackson mused, "acting apart from one another. That took it's toll I think, we had trouble dropping the act at a certain point. But we both knew the end of this war could come, that a real chance for us could come then. But now..." Jackson had tears falling down his face. Jinyoung walked forward and embraced him as Jackson started to cry. Jinyoung felt tears in his own eyes falling down his cheek.

"There never really was a chance for us," Jackson whispered. Jinyoung could feel his pain.

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung said as he ran a hand along Jackson's back.

They talked through it a bit more and in the end Jackson's eyes looked brighter from talking through it. Jinyoung wondered in turn if he should open up, but he didn’t want to put his own burdens on Jackson. He needed to open up to Jin or his father or someone else who wasn't struggling through loss. Jinyoung’s own pain seemed so trivial next to what Jackson was dealing with. He was struggling but the person he loved was alive, breathing, safe. It seemed wrong to interrupt Jackson’s time with such things.

Jinyoung stayed silent and watched in the distance he knew his chance to speak to someone wasn’t coming soon. They were in the middle of a war zone and a fight that had begun again. He was nervous about what came next and he knew he needed to be completely focused. To win the fight he needed to focus on what mattered. There were more hurting people in the mountain, he needed to show them all what really mattered.

———

"This is going to be dangerous," Namjoon, Shonwu and Yoongi walked with him. Jinyoung wasn't styled for the task ahead but he he was in his armor. They were all prepped for a fight though Jinyoung hoped it didn’t come to that. He was told over and over again that he couldn’t be too careful, and his companions continued with that line of speaking. They wouldn’t leave the subject alone as they stepped down into the cavern and began to walk past where troops had lined up.

The armies of the district had gone in stationed along the inside, fully armed for a fight as well. Jinyoung could feel their eyes on him as he passed with the victors and team X. Everyone was likely curious as to what he was even going to do. He himself didn’t know, he hoped like in times before that his mere presence would make a difference. That he would find the right words to convince them.

"Stay close to us at all times," Shownu instructed him, "we can't take too many risks here." They took risks everyday, Jinyoung didn’t think walking into a situation with the rebel army securing things was too much of a risk compared to some of the things he’d done.

"What is the real risk?" Jinyoung asked. 

“When they come down out of the mountain these people will be angry," Namjoon stated, "there's always a risk someone will act out of turn. The situation will be volatile when they do arrive and they will have weapons.” Of course they had weapons, Jinyoung hadn’t forgotten where they were.

"So do we," Yoongi responded. Jinyoung smirked and glanced at the other victor who walked so unabashedly unafraid. He had no words of warning, just a knife spinning in his hand as they’d prepared to depart to the underground.

"We don't want to fight these people," Namjoon reminded Yoongi, "we want to sway them to our side.” Jinyoung was confident he could accomplish what the job was.

"I've done my job every time I’ve been asked to,” Jinyoung said. 

"Yeah but this is different," Shownu said, "I don't like walking you into a potential firefight that might blow up at any second." He hadn't known Shownu cared. Shownu's team had been with them at every mission so it wasn't hard to understand that he probably took his job seriously. His team was meant to protect Jinyoung and he’d witnessed what kinds of messes Jinyoung was prone to getting himself into.

"I'll stay with you guys," Jinyoung assured them, "and I won't do anything reckless." He just wanted to get through the mission and get back to district 13. 

“That’s easier said than done kid," Yoongi stated, "when have you ever avoided being reckless?" He hadn’t expected that observation from Yoongi.

"Let's take a count of incidents from the beginning of this,” Shownu said, "mission one was tame but the second one he openly disobeyed orders."

"Okay guys," Jinyoung held his hand up to signal them to stop, "let's not do this now." He didn’t know who else might be listening in as they passed. He didn’t really want to talk through all the things that he’d done.

“I’ll jump and say we could talk about him running away to District 12," Namjoon responded, "and getting involved in a fight with a mass amount of peacekeepers where he actually jumped out a window in a two story building." He didn’t really feel he needed to defend that, it had been the right move.

"Wait he did that?" Yoongi questioned, they nodded. Yoongi looked impressed and Jinyoung looked away from him as the other victor’s eyes met his.

"He also told the District 13 officers to stand down or he would fight them," Shownu stated, “with a wooden bow he had picked up at home and 4 arrows left in his quiver. I was among those soldiers, but if I had any plans to actually fight him I would have been scared.”

"Okay," Jinyoung said, "that's enough, we get it. I do reckless things and endanger myself but it all works out in the end doesn’t it?”

"We haven't even talked about anything from the games," Namjoon quipped. They didn’t seem to want to stop the discussion. 

"I seriously would rather not talk about the games," Jinyoung said with exasperation, "and in case you haven't noticed most everything you listed ended up being the right decision in the end.” He stood by those ‘reckless’ acts.

"That's debatable,” Shownu said.

"The entire plan to take District 5 from the Capitol while running the rescue operation was his plan,” Namjoon said, "and while there were hiccups we completed the rescue and won in District 5.”

"I don't want to talk about it," Jinyoung said with a firmer voice. He was upset that they weren’t listening to him. He didn't want to talk about the rescue, not after everything that did happen. It wasn't a complete win at all, there were losses. He had just talked with Jackson about it. He didn't consider it a victory to lose someone they cherished.

"The point is," Shownu responded, "stay with us this time, things will not go how you want them to if you don't. Things won’t always work out." He seemed to key in on how Jinyoung felt but continued with his warnings.

"I know that," Jinyoung said firmly, "everyone who went through the games knows that." He knew what it was like to make mistakes what what mistakes meant. His mistakes had cost people's lives from the very beginning. That hadn't stopped being the case but his response to it had changed. It was different when people who were lost in the fight had chosen it themselves. In the games it was different, no one had a choice. Jungkook hadn’t had a choice but to be in a fight he’d never asked for.

Jinyoung knew well where mistakes could lead. He’d seen enough to know.

They made it down the tracks, the soldiers from different districts parted for them. Every single eye still fixated on Jinyoung. He shifted uncomfortably as he walked, he didn't think he would ever get used to how they looked at him. It was as if a thousand people were trying to see through him.

He took a deep breath as they walked through to the end where the lights were lit leading on down the cavern. They were on the other side of the ground the district army was holding, at the forefront of where the people of District two would come out of the mountain. Jinyoung saw people were lined up with weapons down the tunnel. All of them looked ready to fire, he guessed they had to be. There might be no way to keep this situation from escalating beyond them but Jinyoung was determined to do it.

He was nervous suddenly but definitely not going to back down. He was going to deliver on what he had promised to do. He was going to turn the people of District 2 to the right side, even if some were peacekeepers he would change their minds. He was sure he could find a way if he just said what he had witnessed in the fight against the Capitol. They would hear him, they would listen even if they only thought of him as a child.

"Someone's coming!" the message was spread down the line to where they were and Jinyoung stepped forward to look at what was coming. Shownu grabbed his arm and pulled him back to his side. Shownu’s gesture was a strong one. He was determined to keep Jinyoung close.

"Stay with us," the older boy reiterated what he had said before. Jinyoung wondered why he was being as protective as he was. He wondered if there was something else about the mission that had Shownu on edge. Something about this situation, a powder keg ready to blow had set the solider on edge. He nodded to Shownu and moved back into position between Namjoon and Yoongi while being slightly behind Shownu. He really had no intention of causing problems for them.

The others in Shownu's team were among the people ready to jump into action at the first sign of trouble. Special forces from District 13 that could more than carry their weight in a fight. The had fought in District 5 alongside Jin and Jackson. They’d been an instrumental part in the first real victory against the Capitol.

"There it is," Yoongi said as the train lights were visible coming down the tracks.

Jinyoung moved to step forward again, habits were hard to break when all he wanted to do was get it over with. Shownu saw Jinyoung’s move coming and moved his arm to block Jinyoung's way. Jinyoung settled for squinting as it approached to try to get a glimpse of the situation. It took a bit to see the people on board the train hanging off the sides looking out into what was beyond. They did have weapons, every single one of them held guns.

"That's far enough," one of the men in charge of the district alliance spoke. The people on the train stopped it. Everyone was looking at each other, the situation was tense because of how many guns were pointed.

"Let me talk to them," Jinyoung said as he tried to step forward. He was worried a gunfight would start before he could do anything.

"Wait," Namjoon said to him. Jinyoungs heart rate began to increase as he glanced around. Jinyoung watched a few troops on their side lay down weapons and step forward.

"Citizens of District 2," the man who lead the small group spoke, "I am Park Chanyeol, you know me as your victor. We do not wish to be your enemies. Surrender your weapons and you will be free to go.” Jinyoung hadn’t expected another victor to speak first, though he should have. The victor of that district might have more of an ear of his own people.

"He's a victor?" Jinyoung questioned. He didn’t know Chanyeol, he’d never met him.

"He won the year before you," Namjoon said, "he is quite loved here in his District.”

Jinyoung watched as Chanyeol stood with his arms down, his gun holstered and unthreatening. Still he didn't doubt if there was a threat that Chanyeol could move fast to handle it. He seemed very calm in the face of what was before him. Jinyoung found it admirable to watch.

"I have no intention of surrendering to rabble like you," the man at the front of the train said. He stepped off, his gun was held at his side as he did step off. Suddenly shots were fired from their side and more shots were fired. Jinyoung’s heart rate jumped and he could almost see it getting worse before it happened. He wouldn’t let it happen.

"STOP!" Jinyoung ran forward with no thought of his own well being, "we're not enemies! HOLD YOUR FIRE!" Jinyoung shouted, he wanted the people on his side to hold down, not to shoot, not to make it worse. The had to win over the people not kill them.

"Jinyoung," Shownu grabbed his arm and he shook it off and rushed forward faster than Shownu could move.

"You need help," Jinyoung told the people on the train, "we're offering help, please just listen.” 

"I don't need help from the likes of you," the man said, he raised his gun on Jinyoung but Jinyoung didn't feel fear. He didn’t feel anything but the need to get through to the man in front of him. He stepped ever forward towards the man with the gun as if it wasn’t there, wasn’t loaded, wasn’t a threat, he didn’t care. He saw the human behind the weapon.

"Jinyoung!" Shownu said.

"You don't want to shoot me," Jinyoung said, "you don't want to fight, none of us do. But that's what this all comes down to is that we have to fight. Yang has always controlled the game. He has always wanted us so afraid, so we'll turn on each other. So we would willingly send our children off to their deaths so that we can survive one more year. You're afraid, I know that. Everyone is, but we can't let our fear control our actions. We can’t let ourselves become enemies. The only one who is our enemy is Yang."

The words that poured from his mouth were the ones he’d wanted to speak in games past. The arena where they were told it was kill or be killed. Where Jinyoung refused to play a part in the twisted game. Where he’d thrown down his weapon because he hadn’t cared anymore about living. He’d only cared about not becoming their slave, another piece in their game.

"That weapon in your hand," Jinyoung said, “that bullet it's not for me, it's for the one who did this to all of us. You know that, we all do. We’re going to defeat Yang but we need to do it together.” The man still held his gun pointed at Jinyoung.

"Jinyoung," Shownu said his name again stronger. The man in front of him did not look to be backing down. And the others couldn't raise a weapon on him without retaliation because he had a gun on Jinyoung. If anymore made a move he might fire, Jinyoung understood it was a live situation. Exactly what the others had wanted to avoid but he didn’t think for a moment it wouldn’t go his way. 

"Don't do this," Jinyoung continued to speak, "this isn't who we are supposed to be." He saw some people in the background of the whole show were beginning to respond. The people on the train were responding to his words. People were beginning to put their weapons down but the man in front of him seemed unrelenting. Unwilling to back down.

"You started this war," the man spoke with venom in his voice. He was serious and Jinyoung started to feel a bit of fear coloring his vision but he knew what words to say.

"No, Yang started this war when he decided he would kill innocent children. When he pushed the districts to a place of suffering. He started it when my 12 year old brother was selected to die as entertainment in the Capitol’s hunger games. So make the right choice," Jinyoung said, "you know who your enemy is." The man looked like he was hesitating, like Jinyoung was getting through to him. Jinyoung wondered if he really could stop a whole battle from breaking out in a single moment, that seemed to be exactly what was going to happen. 

Jinyoung stared the man down, waiting for him to lower his gun. His heart pounding at every second that passed when the man finally spoke.

"I do know who my enemy is," the man said, and he pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger. Please leave a comment, also don't forget to leave kudos and bookmark if you would like. Also subscribe so you don't miss anything. So many calls to action in one authors note.


	4. Not A Martyr

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They must all face the aftermath of what it means to survive.

"No, Yang started this war when he decided he would kill innocent children. When he pushed the districts to a place of suffering. He started it when my 12 year old brother was selected to die as entertainment in the Capitol’s hunger games. So make the right choice," Jinyoung said, "you know who your enemy is." 

Yoongi’s eyes watched as Jinyoung spoke, his words passionate and his conviction strong. Yoongi honed in on the man in front of Jinyoung, the one Jinyoung was trying to convince. The others were listening, the others on the train were lowering their weapons at the words of a boy who was undeniable. Yoongi moved a knife to his hand not wanting to interrupt what Jinyoung was doing. He didn’t want to be the first aggressor but the man in front of Jinyoung wasn’t standing down.

Jinyoung was different than Yoongi in so many ways. Where as Yoongi was trained to be like a viper, to strike in stealth with a knife, Jinyoung rushed forward into danger to speak words to turn a tide. Yoongi waited for the man to back down, but it wasn’t coming.

"I do know who my enemy is," the man said, and he pulled the trigger. 

Yoongi was shocked, his veins freezing like ice, his reaction automatic. His hand forward, his eyes wide as his knife struck and the man stumbled back. The sound of the gunshot still rang out in the cavern. Loud like fire in his ears, Jinyoung didn’t just fall back, he was thrown back from the force of it. His body hit the ground. Yoongi had more knives in his hand. His automatic instinct to be ready to keep fighting. The man who had fired… his body dropped to the ground. Yoongi knew how to kill in one throw.

Shownu rushed to Jinyoung where he lay against the ground and Yoongi felt fear. 

He stepped forward, his eyes running over every single person on the train. Hands were going up as the stepped off. The man who Yoongi had struck laid still. Troops from the rebel army had their guns at the ready. Chanyeol glanced around as if feeling the live wire of the situation. 

Jinyoung was down and Yoongi couldn’t even look back to see if he was okay. Yoongi couldn’t do anything but stand forward ready for a fight.

“Yoongi,” He heard Namjoon’s voice saying his name.

“We stand down,” another person stepped off the train, “we surrender.” 

Yoongi’s heart still pounded, the instinct to fight could not be erased from within him. Jinyoung was down, but Jinyoung had done it. By taking that bullet he’d done it. The fight was over.

“Jinyoung!” he heard a voice scream Jinyoung’s name, while all of them held back on saying anything, on even shouting his name. Jackson rushed forward from the back group. Jackson rushed to the side of his friend and Yoongi finally looked back. Jinyoung was laying still against the graveled ground but Yoongi saw no blood. 

Jackson reached his friend and lifted Jinyoung against himself. There was no blood anywhere and he could see something that made him breathe in relief. Jinyoung was breathing. 

And Yoongi quickly understood.

Jinyoung’s armor was bulletproof.

———

Jinyoung was made aware upon waking that the encounter at the tracks had been broadcast in every district live, for every person to see. That moment had played right into the hands of the people who wanted a particular outcome on both sides. To the knowledge of the Capitol and of the districts Park Jinyoung was dead. The moment was frightening for those who were protecting him and Jinyoung felt bad for how it had gone. He had been lucky things hadn’t been worse… it seemed Yoongi’s swift action had changed the course of the bullet. The man’s gun shifted down to where Jinyoung was protected.

Jackson had carried Jinyoung out of the cavern himself, to the medical center in district 2. The suit BamBam had made was bulletproof, BamBam had been the one to actually protect him but bulletproof didn’t mean he wasn’t hurt. He was badly hurt by the force of the bullet. Jackson had told Jinyoung that Shownu had nearly a panic attack over it, he was the one trying to keep Jinyoung safe the whole time. 

Jinyoung also heard that Yoongi had taken the guy out as soon as he had pulled the trigger. Because Yoongi had moved the man’s hand had moved causing the bullet to Jinyoung in the abdomen. The suit blocked the bullet from entering his body but the force of the hit was spread over a large radius of Jinyoung’s abdomen. It left him with heavy bruising, he’d also hit the ground hard knocking him unconscious. He was told he’d had a slight concussion. When he did wake up breathing hurt him because even his ribs were bruised. One was fractured, it hurt bad.

Every breath was a reminder that he’d been very close to something much worse happening. If the man had aimed higher he could have shot Jinyoung in the head. He wouldn’t have come back from that. For all his words of being careful, listening to his friends he’d rushed himself into danger without a second thought. After Jinyoung was shot and the man died from Yoongi’s knife, the rest dropped their weapons and surrendered. Jinyoung’s reckless actions did win out in the end. The cost was the entire nation likely thinking he was dead. He worried about his father and Youngjae, and what they’d seen.

When Jinyoung was bandaged he was brought aboard their hovercraft to prepare to depart. Namjoon and Yoongi were still out with the generals and the others but Jinyoung was told they would be leaving soon. Jinyoung laid in his bunk still while Jin and Jimin were close by. Jackson wouldn’t leave his side. It had been a hell of a day. They had to fly out at a specific time to avoid detection and fly high. It was a long flight back to 13. By the time they would be getting back it would have been three days that they were gone in total. Jinyoung hoped someone had told his family what had happened wasn’t what they thought it was. He hoped they knew he was okay.

They couldn't be sure their messages got through to District 13. With the state of things being broadcast, Jinyoung felt guilty about the real fear he likely had put his family though. His family didn't deserve it after all they had gone through waiting for him through two games and seeing him through the worst times. He really did hope they knew that he wasn't dead.

"Jacks," Jinyoung whispered, even though everything that involved breathing was painful, "I'm fine." Speaking was painful but he could see the worry stretched across his friends features. He wanted Jackson to stop worrying over him, to know he wasn’t going anywhere.

"You idiot," Jackson said to him playfully, “you really make protecting you difficult.” Jinyoung knew Jackson wished he had been closer to the front with Jinyoung, Namjoon, Yoongi and Shownu. But he’d stayed farther back with the rest of the team. Jinyoung was sorry he’d made people worried.

“It all turned out okay,” Jinyoung said softly.

“You like this is not okay,” Jackson replied. Jinyoung could feel his friends care, and it meant something to him. "Don't talk anymore Jinyoungie, you need to rest before we get back."

"I'm not tired," Jinyoung responded with a pout.

"You really should be," Jackson said, "do you realize you almost died?" It was easier to act like he hadn’t, Jinyoung did realize how things had been. He just didn’t want to dwell on it or think about how it might have gone too much.

"Yeah but I didn't," Jinyoung managed to say. That was what mattered, that he hadn’t died. He hadn’t walked away, he was in pain but he was still able to breathe. Even if it hurt. 

"I am serious," Jackson whined at him, "you need to rest, right now. No more talking." Jinyoung nodded in agreement, he laid still focused on breathing, slipping in and out of sleep. Jackson watched over him the entire flight to the district. He was glad he wasn’t left alone, he was able to rest peacefully.

…

When they arrived Jinyoung had fallen asleep, and Jackson heard Jin express worries that he shouldn't. Jackson let him sleep because Jackson didn't know what else to do. Jackson carried him out from the craft when they arrived. People around were gaping, watching as Jackson rushed Jinyoung toward the medical wing to deliver him safely. Alive, breathing. 

The doctors took Jinyoung from him but Jackson wasn't willing to leave till he saw Jinyoung's dad following them. His dad would be able to watch over him and protect him. He had been watching things in the hospital since what happened with Jinyoung and the drugs. Jackson trusted Jinyoung’s dad would take care of his son. And with that Jackson felt relief that he’d gotten Jinyoung back safe to his family. 

—————

Jinyoung woke up to the smell of disinfectant, the sight of white walls. The feeling of a breathing tube at his nose, an IV in his arm and the sound of a heart rate monitor. He always felt like the stickies on the heart rate monitor were itchy and he wanted to take them off. He recognized the hospital, the feel of it and he knew he was back in District 13. Back and a bit worse off than he was before he left.

He stretched a bit but his abdomen was sore, it hurt badly. He gasped, his hand flew to his side where the bullet had hit him. His shirt was off but his hand hit bandages, his ribs were tightly bound but not so much that it was difficult to breathe. It was difficult to breathe by the nature of his injury. He laid for a moment breathing shallow just trying to avoid the pain, and he realized there were 2 beeping monitors. He recognized the room he was in. He’d spent a lot of time there in the past weeks.

He turned his head slightly to the right and saw him. They had put him in the same room as Jaebeom and Jaebeom was awake, sitting up, watching him. Jinyoung winced heavily from the pain of trying to move a bit more to see Jaebeom better. They had his abdomen wrapped up so solidly as if they were trying to make it more difficult for him to move.

His eyes met Jaebeom, he felt relief seeing Jaebeom again. He felt better knowing Jaebeom was close, somehow Jaebeom made him feel safer. He wished he could be closer to Jaebeom, not separated by so much distance. Jaebeom looked at him, his expression unreadable. He tilted his head slightly keeping his gaze on Jinyoung.

"I heard you got yourself shot," Jaebeom's voice echoed in his ears. The words cold.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung managed to say. Talking hurt, breathing hurt, moving hurt... Existing hurt, he never wanted to get shot again. He had been shot before in the arm, but that was completely different than having a bullet ricochet off your ribcage. He wanted to turn to better see Jaebeom, just to see him. He could fall asleep happily close to Jaebeom.

“What were you doing?” Jaebeom asked him. Jinyoung didn’t want to talk about it with how much pain he was in, especially with the way Jaebeom’s voice sounded. Stern, cold, scolding like Jaebeom used to get at times in the past. Jinyoung felt strange as he finally recognized a part of Jaebeom as being who he remembered. It had to be Jaebeom’s stern voice that showed up first. Before any loving looks or kind words. Jinyoung felt a bit of pain in his chest, deeper down. An empty feeling at the thought of it.

“I can’t talk,” Jinyoung grunted out. He didn’t want to talk. He never had wanted to talk when Jaebeom acted that way in the past. Now it hurt to talk and it hurt even worse to hear how Jaebeom spoke.

“Fine,” Jaebeom said. The elder slumped back down on his bed and closed his eyes. Jinyoung sighed, Jaebeom was acting childish like Jinyoung used to act when Jaebeom didn’t give him his way. It was easier to close his eyes and block Jaebeom out in those times.

Jinyoung heard the door to the hospital room open and turned slightly to see his dad entering with a small hospital cart.He met his dad’s eyes and his dad let go of the cart to quickly sit down next to him and pull him up into a hug. The suddenness of the move caused searing pain to radiate through his whole side. Jinyoung hissed with the pain and cried out in response.

“Why?” Jinyoung whined. He was hurt too badly for such treatment.

“What the hell were you thinking?” His dad questioned, “your team was telling you no, but you still had to run into the line of fire and get yourself shot!” His dad’s scolding sounded very serious. He was angry with Jinyoung, as angry as he could be with Jinyoung hurt.

“Why?” Jinyoung asked again, it hurt to be upright in his dad’s arms and he just wanted to lay down. He felt bad for the pain he caused others by what happened, but he was the one actually in physical pain over it. He’d learned his lesson by having such a result of his reckless behavior. His dad let go of him carefully and helped him lay back down.

“I’m glad you’re alright,” his dad told him in a softer voice. The anger quickly drained out..

“Well I’m not alright,” Jinyoung groaned out, his side was still radiating pain. It hurt to breathe and move.

“You’ll definitely feel it strong for the next couple days,” his dad said, “but it will get better before you know it and you’ll be off again on another mission.” Jinyoung hoped that was true, well he wasn’t sure about the mission part. It was just his reality.

“I wasn’t trying to get shot,” Jinyoung said, “I didn’t honestly expect it.”

“Well,” his father began to speak, “unfortunately it was broadcast here, it was the longest few hours of my life waiting for news. It was Yugyeom who found us and informed us the suit was bulletproof, and finally put our minds at ease.” He felt terrible. He didn’t know that he would have acted differently if he had known there were cameras on him. He should have known. There were always cameras on him. They were relentless following his every move, even as he walked around district 13. His head snapped up and he looked instinctively around the corners of the hospital room for cameras. He didn’t see any.

“I didn’t know it was broadcasting,” Jinyoung said. Even though cameras followed him they usually filmed then edited later. He hadn’t been live broadcasted without his own knowledge since the hunger games. It was a scary thought. He didn’t understand why they would broadcast an encounter without knowing its ending. It could have gone very different.

“It was shown in every district and the Capitol while it was happening,” his father stated. A widespread broadcast everywhere, like the games. Panem had become his arena and his gamemaker… JYP? Chae? Had Chae thought everything would go right? What motive did she have for ordering such a thing.

“So everyone thinks I am dead?” Jinyoung questioned. The connection formed in his mind. The broadcast would have shown Jinyoung falling and not getting back up. He didn’t get back up, he was carried off by Jackson.

“As far as I know, they do after that,” his father replied. Jinyoung saw the relief in his eyes as he talked about it. He’d really put his father through a lot. 

“I am sorry,” Jinyoung replied, “I shouldn’t have, I just… I couldn’t stop.” He didn’t tend to know when he was taking on too much or getting himself into a bad situation. He just did what he felt he needed to. He was the one they’d chosen to drive their war forward and to drive it towards its end. He was just trying to do what was expected of him as best he could. 

“You’re okay,” his father told him, “what’s done is done. Just next time your team tells you not to do something, please don’t do it.” He would try not to.

“Yes dad,” Jinyoung said. He was tired of talking and it hurt every time he did. He looked over at Jaebeom, and saw that Jaebeom’s eyes were closed but he wasn’t sleeping. He was listening, Jinyoung was sure he was listening. Jinyoung didn't want to ask about Jaebeom or talk about Jaebeom without Jaebeom knowing that Jinyoung knew Jaebeom was still awake. Still Jinyoung didn't know how to reach him, to speak to him so he just stared at where he laid with his eyes closed.

"We didn't leave him alone while you were gone," Youngmin said to Jinyoung as he saw that Jinyoung was focused on Jaebeom. "Youngjae has been working with me. I had him sit in here with Jaebeom a lot so that he could have a familiar face. We took care of him.”

"Thank you," Jinyoung said. He was grateful that they were helping, that Jaebeom wasn’t left alone. Jinyoung had been worried about going out and leaving Jaebeom behind in a place he himself didn’t fully trust.

"You shouldn't talk anymore, you need rest,” his father said, "I brought the medications I have you on, I also need to check your bandaging.” He worked to change Jinyoung's IV bag first. When that was done Jinyoung had to sit up for him to take off the bandages. He winced from the pain of each movement but when they were off he saw the wide radius of bruising. His dad had a cream he put on the entire area, Jinyoung didn't know what it was supposed to do but he knew his dad was a good doctor and whatever it was would help him recover. He rewrapped the bandage and hugged him again before letting him lay back.

“We are waking Mark up later this evening,” his dad informed him, “do you want to be there?” Jinyoung didn’t need to think about it, he nodded. After all that had happened it was easy to know what he had to do. 

“I need to be there,” Jinyoung said. Mark had gotten shot on Jinyoung’s mission to rescue Jaebeom. Mark had wanted to be by Jinyoung’s side and had made a difference. Jinyoung wanted to be with him when the news was delivered.

“Okay,” his dad told him, “I’ll bring you some pain medication so you feel better before taking you over.” Jinyoung scrunched his face in confusion.

“Why can’t I have pain medication now?” Jinyoung whined. If he could be out of pain that would be preferable to how it hurt to breathe and speak. The pain while breathing was a bit anxiety inducing. 

“No way,” his father said, “with your history we’re keeping all other potentially addictive substances away from you except when absolutely necessary.” It made sense, but surely something administered by a doctor wasn’t dangerous. Still Jinyoung wouldn’t press it, he was sure it was better not to. He took a shaky breath and nodded to agree. It was better to agree.

“I will be back to check on you later,” his father continued, “for now get some sleep, rest is the best thing for your recovery.” 

“I will,” Jinyoung said, “thanks for everything dad.” He felt empty all the sudden, the words, the reminder… He wished he could feel better.

“I love you,” his dad said.

“I love you too,” Jinyoung responded with a smile. It was good to smile. His dad got up and left, Jinyoung laid still focused on slow breaths. The slower breaths were easier to take in. After his dad had left moments passed before Jinyoung heard the other voice in the room.

“History? Addictive substances?” Jaebeom spoke the words as questions. Jinyoung hadn’t even thought about him being there listening to what was being said. Jinyoung’s heart sank in his chest, to admit those things to Jaebeom wasn’t easy. Of course he had latched on to what was being said to question it. He wanted Jaebeom to be left out of what had gone on but it was better to admit it.

“I dealt with enabled substance abuse,” Jinyoung said. It wouldn’t help him in that situation to attempt to hide it. His dad had already said too much to avoid the topic.

"You said you couldn't talk," Jaebeom pointed out. Jinyoung wondered why he was behaving that way. Cold like he was trying to pick at Jinyoung in some way. Jaebeom was hurting, and Jinyoung could see that much but Jaebeom had never acted like that. It stung. 

"It hurts to talk," Jinyoung responded honestly. It did hurt, every small movement hurt. 

"What do you mean by enabled?" Jaebeom questioned. He wasn’t dropping it and Jinyoung wished he would. He wished Jaebeom would leave it alone, it was something he didn’t want to confront with the person who he loved most. He wanted Jaebeom to think better of him and what he’d done… there was no way to hide how it looked.

“I was on a drug that was given to me by the nurses here when I first brought here,” Jinyoung told him, “they injected me with it when I was in treatment and when I was out… anytime I wanted it they would supply it." Jaebeom looked confused as they all were about what was going on. Of course the obvious question was why would anyone do that? Jinyoung had told Jaebeom they were safe, but where the answers to those questions would lead would make him feel less safe.

"It was something that numbed down my emotions, and made it so I could sleep," Jinyoung admitted more about what it was cause he didn’t know what else to say but to explain. Maybe Jaebeom would understand and Jinyoung told him why. Cause Jaebeom knew how difficult things were for Jinyoung.

"Jinyoung why would you take something like that?" Jaebeom asked him more seriously. Jinyoung flinched at the tone of voice.

"You really can't figure that out on your own?" Jinyoung asked, "you were in the games. You know how I was after the games.” His last sentence was spoken softer. He thought of those days too often. The hard days… but he wasn’t alone then.

"Those kinds of drugs can kill you," Jaebeom said. He was frustrated but at least there was concern in his voice. Concern showed he did care.

"I know that now," Jinyoung replied. He didn't really like the way Jaebeom was talking about it and how angry he seemed. Jaebeom hadn't been there, he hadn't seen how difficult things had gotten for Jinyoung. "I didn't know it would get out of control, I didn’t know what was happening before it all got bad. My dad and Jin did though, they both caught my lies. In the end they saved my life. I always badly needed a relationship with my dad, you always told me to try and mend fences with him. It turned out all I needed to do was get myself in real trouble and he was there right when I needed him.”

“Just how many times have you tried to die?” Jaebeom asked. 

“I didn’t,” Jinyoung replied, he was hurt at how Jaebeom had phrased the question. It was like an accusation, terrible. “I wasn’t trying to die then or when I got shot.” Jaebeom didn’t respond, the exchange was tense. Jinyoung could feel it. 

Jinyoung looked at Jaebeom. He was sitting up, his back against the wall behind his bed and his eyes focused ahead. He looked so miserable, so broken. Jinyoung wished he wasn't so distant, he wanted to hold him and be a pillar of strength for him. Jinyoung wished he could get up and walk to him, to sit beside him and lay beside him. The hospital beds were awkward and small but he wanted to be beside Jaebeom. 

Jinyoung shifted in his bed to sit up on his own. It was painful, it was a struggle but he wanted to do it so he steeled himself through the pain. His whole side felt like someone was pushing him down, a deep sore pain reverberated through him. But he didn't stop, his legs swung over the side of the bed, he took off the oxygen tube and grabbed the metal of IV rack with his hand.

"What are you doing?" Jaebeom said, he looked alarmed as he looked at Jinyoung, "you have to rest!" Jinyoung breathed shallow and fast as he adjusted to the pain he was feeling. He just had to push through it.

"I will," Jinyoung said. He stood up carefully, his legs were fine even if his abdomen was hurting. It hurt bad but he couldn’t let that stop him from getting what he wanted. He never let anything stop him when he wanted something. He had hurt worse in the games, after the starcrest nectar had worn off and Jackson had nearly cut his arm off. In the dark of the night of the area he had crawled to get to Jaebeom with pain radiating through his own body, this wasn't near as bad.

"No, Stop!” Jaebeom exclaimed, "you need to go back!" He was unsteady but he took a few steps carefully, breathing heavy as he did. Jinyoung gasped as he stepped forward again. He wasn't going to stop, he walked over and he saw Jaebeom's expression wasn't confused anymore. He looked sad, he looked scared. Jinyoung sat down beside him carefully, it all hurt but he didn't care.

"I'm not going to break," Jinyoung told him, he moved all the way to sit next to Jaebeom, "or stop.” He gasped from pain but continued to speak. “I’ll always be here, I'm sorry that things have gone wrong a hundred times over but I have everything to live for. I always have, I'll always be here." Jaebeom didn't meet his eyes, he wouldn't. Jinyoung grabbed his hand and when he began to move Jaebeom's hand, then Jaebeom did look in his eyes. 

Jinyoung moved Jaebeom’s hand to his own side, to the point of his pain. Jaebeom's touch had always been what soothed everything for him. It had been healing just to have Jaebeom’s hands against him. They didn't say anything but as Jaebeom's hands touched the bandages tears filled his eyes. Tears poured over and Jinyoung knew he remembered every action and how significant everything they did was. Jaebeom didn't hold back, he pulled Jinyoung close to him, into an embrace. It hurt but Jinyoung didn't care.

He cared about Jaebeom, about holding on to Jaebeom again. About Jaebeom holding onto him. He started crying in relief, shocked by his own reaction because he felt so overwhelmed. Jinyoung felt the elders' tears falling onto his bare shoulder. Warm tears dripped from Jaebeom’s eyes as he pulled Jinyoung ever closer. The indifference and coldness Jaebeom had been putting up as a front melted away.

"I love you," Jinyoung whispered in his ear as Jaebeom's forehead dropped to his shoulder, "I love you, so we're going to make it. You're safe now. I know you don't feel like you are, but I'm right here. I'm always going to be here." He knew every promise they made to each other. He’d make a hundred more to Jaebeom. For Jaebeom. He loved Jaebeom more than anything.

"I love you," Jinyoung said again, "and you know that. You know that has never and will never change." He wanted Jaebeom to understand that, not to be fighting against him anymore. He wanted Jaebeom to remembered what it felt like to be loved and to love in return. Because Jinyoung needed Jaebeom’s love as much as he knew Jaebeom needed his. 

Jaebeom nodded and Jinyoung smiled when Jaebeom laid back with Jinyoung still in his arms. The elder was careful of his side, but Jinyoung smiled at the gentleness Jaebeom had coming back to him. It was almost instinctive, like Jaebeom suddenly was remembering how to hold Jinyoung close. Remembering how they were together. And Jaebeom did speak, finally opening up to a piece of everything he was feeling.

“I am scared I’m too messed up,” Jaebeom said softly, “and you’ll give up.”

“Never,” Jinyoung told him with tears in his own eyes. “I’d never give up on you.” And with those words Jaebeom pulled him closer. Jinyoung didn’t say anything else and Jaebeom didn’t say anything else. This was a start, a new chance and beginning. Jinyoung was grateful for it. He fell gently into sleep at peace, finally being in Jaebeom’s arms. Though they were smaller and the grip was loser he felt the same safety as before. That was all he’d wanted.

—————

Jinyoung sat in a waiting area outside where Mark was sleeping. It was apparently a slow process to take someone off what he was on to keep him asleep. Jinyoung's dad had mildly scolded him for getting out of bed without supervision and had to recheck the entire injured area. Jinyoung would take a scolding, he was happy he’d done it.

He had been able to forget the things that had happened when he had gotten Jaebeom to respond to him again but it was all coming back. He had a lot weighing on him. He would eventually have to deal with the fallout of the districts and capitol being under the impression he’d died. He had to figure out how to help Mark get through a life changing injury. He also had to find a way to end the war he’d started. It was all on him.

There was still so much to do and to face. He didn't know if he would ever fully be able to process through what he was going through. He would just have to take each thing one step at a time. His first step would be helping Mark while he was on base. It seemed like the most difficult thing in front of him. He had faced what had happened to his friend but Mark hadn’t had time to deal with it. Jinyoung was sure he would feel different once he saw Mark awake again, and he was sure Mark would struggle.

Events were set in motion before he even had time to put together what was happening. He still didn't understand how they got out of the Capitol with Jaebeom when Yang knew they were there. There had been so many peacekeepers, so many bullets flying. The peacekeepers could have shot up at them and killed them all but they didn’t. It seemed to Jinyoung that Yang had let them go and that was the scariest thought.

There had to be a reason and Jinyoung couldn’t come up with a single viable one. He was asking why about so many things in his life. Questions he couldn’t find logical paths to answer on his own.

Why was what happened in district 2 broadcast to the entire world? There was no reason to do such a thing. Jinyoung didn’t feel comfortable knowing that it had happened. If it had turned out differently then what did anyone have to gain from it? Why was Shownu acting so strange that day? Was it that he knew something, that he knew what direction things were going in and he was trying to prevent something from happening? Something that he saw coming that Jinyoung didn’t… Jinyoung didn’t get it.

Why did Yang let them go? What reason could he have had for doing so? He was going to lose the war, things were not moving in his favor. Maybe it was as simple as he didn’t want to make Jinyoung a martyr. Maybe it was something different. Jinyoung doubted he would ever know the answer to that question.

Why was Jaebeom so back and forth with him? He wasn’t sure how to gauge how Jaebeom was acting. He couldn’t ever read Jaebeom the way Jaebeom could read him. He knew that whatever Jaebeom had gone through it was terrible, beyond words. He likely wouldn’t share what had happened for a long time but Jinyoung still wanted to help him. Could he make sense of any of how Jaebeom was acting? Could he do that on his own? 

Maybe the most important question in his mind was, what did Chae really want from him? He wasn’t sure how things were moving anymore. President Chae's demands had been confusing since he’d known her. She wanted him working with them so badly, then suddenly she said she wanted to phase him out quickly. At least she had said she wanted him phased out, then she went and broadcasted his actions live to the entire nation. What was she playing at? Could he get information from JYP? Would JYP help him figure it all out? Or was the old man just a pawn himself.

Jinyoung's mind was more easily focused as he thought though his problems in part due to the pain medications his dad had given him. He wasn't gasping in pain over every little move, at least for a brief time. It was meant to be enough to give him a chance to talk to Mark. Mark whose life was devastated because of the war they were all fighting.

"Jinyoung," His dad said as he stepped out from behind the curtain, "he just woke up." Jinyoung nodded, he stood up carefully. His dad would scold him and check the injury again if he made and abrupt moves.

"Did you tell him?" Jinyoung asked. He felt a sense of hope that his father had, he didn’t want to be the one to say it himself.

"No," Youngmin said, "but I think he's realizing something is wrong.” Jinyoung’s heart sank more but he couldn’t turn back from it. He had to confront it himself.

"Okay," Jinyoung said. He took a slightly deeper breath, glad for the lack of pain.

"I'll be right out here," his father told him, "if you need me." Jinyoung nodded though he couldn't think of a reason he would need him. It was Mark, not his enemies. He tried to put the more difficult thoughts behind himself as he stepped behind the curtains that hung down. His eyes settled on where Mark laid in his bed. Mark was breathing heavily and looking around. Jinyoung could see he was for something to anchor himself and there was terror in his eyes.

"Mark," Jinyoung said his name and Mark looked to him. 

"Jinyoung-ah," Mark said softly and Jinyoung sat down in the chair next to his bed. Jinyoung could see Mark looked scared. He could see the expression on Marks face and Jinyoung wanted to reassure him. They were out of danger.

"What happened?" Mark asked, "I don't remember what happened."

"Shhhh," Jinyoung wanted to calm him down, he looked frantic and frightened, "you got shot and went to emergency surgery, you’re okay. You’re safe.”

"But the fight," Mark said, "what happened?" Jinyoung understood, he’d answered the question wrong for what Mark was looking for.

"We got out, that’s why we are safe in District 13,” Jinyoung told him, "just stay calm, we got out and we got Jaebeom out. The mission was a success.” He didn't want to mention Eunjung and Taeyeon. Mark barely knew them but he would probably spiral and blame himself and that was the last thing he should be doing. Jinyoung just knew how easy it was.

"We all got out?" Mark asked. Jinyoung’s heart sank. He didn’t want to lie to Mark. Not to protect him, because Jinyoung knew that being lied to wasn’t protection at all. The truth would still come, but it hurt worse after being lied to.

"Mark you need to stay calm," Jinyoung said, he hated the feel of those words in his own mouth, "everything's okay." Those kinds of words had never helped him but Jinyoung said them to Mark as if they made any difference. Jinyoung felt sick and Mark shook his head.

"No," Mark said, "it's not, it's not okay. Who died? What happened? There was no way I could have gotten out, I got shot. I didn't grab the line!" Mark had already put pieces together. He remembered more than Jinyoung had realized when he’d stated that he didn’t remember what happened. It was likely everything after he’d gotten shot that Mark was missing.

"Taeyeon hooked your line," Jinyoung admitted as he reminded himself lies would always make it worse. "And she stayed behind." The look in Mark’s eyes hurt Jinyoung to see. It was exactly what Jinyoung wished wouldn't happen, the same guilt and blame Jinyoung had felt in his own chest.

"Why would she do that?" Mark asked. "Why did she save me?"

"Mark don't ask things like that," Jinyoung responded, "of course she would save you, any of us would if we were down there!” He would have stood between Mark and the bullets if he could have. He would have gladly taken them instead.

"Jinyoung why can't I feel my legs?" Mark asked suddenly, "somethings wrong with me, isn't it?" Jinyoung took a deep breath, he could feel the numbness in his rib cage where the bruises were tampered by pain medication. Something held just at bay from him. He almost wished he could feel them, that he could have the pain as a distraction.

"The doctors couldn't..." Jinyoung began to speak, he felt tears in his eyes as emotions flooded him, "one of the bullets pierced part of your spine, it was difficult to remove..." He thought over what he was told and how dire it was.

"Is it temporary?" Mark asked because Jinyoung didn't keep going. Jinyoung was struggling to find words. 

"The damage is irreparable," Jinyoung said, "but you're alive, you're here and alive with us and that is what matters." The color drained from Mark's face, he looked frightened. And as Jinyoung predicted, he was devastated.

"No, no that can't be, there is always a way. There is a way," Mark said, "they have cellular regeneration chambers. They can fix me." He was crying openly as he began to frantically speak those words, "they have to fix me. They have to!”

"Mark," Jinyoung said, "they can't do anything." He had to be honest, he couldn’t lie to Mark and give him hope for something that the doctors had said they couldn’t accomplish.

"No, they have to do something, they have to. I can't be..." Mark responded, "We don't trust these people, please, there is a way. Don't tell me there isn't." Jinyoung couldn’t do anything but shake his head and let the hopes fall apart in front of him. Hope was dangerous when hope was impossible.

"Mark," Jinyoung couldn't even figure out what to say. What could he say to someone dealing with something so life altering? He didn't know. He didn’t have all the answers but he wished he did.

"I need to walk," Mark cried, "If I can't, I can't..."

"Mark you being alive is the most important thing," Jinyoung said, "I was so afraid, you came up unconscious and you wouldn't wake up and we didn't know what to do. This isn't going to be easy, but I know you. You're strong, you can get through this." He didn't know what else to say. He wanted his friend to live, he wanted Mark’s life. Mark had lived, the cost was high but Mark was alive. That was what Jinyoung saw, what he wanted more than anything when Mark had come back.

"Why?" Mark cried, "why would you save me for this? I don't want to live like this!" He hated it, Mark was breaking in a way he never had. Jinyoung had never seen Mark fall apart. In many ways Mark had taught him how to be strong, when he had nothing. When he had nothing but a need to save Youngjae. Mark was the strongest person, even in the face of losing so much he’d always pulled himself back up. Jinyoung had never seen him break.

"Mark of course we saved you," Jinyoung said, "I didn't want you to die. None of us did."

"I don't want this," Mark said again, "please..." But Jinyoung couldn't reverse the damage, he couldn't change it. Mark’s pleading was something that Jinyoung couldn’t answer. He couldn’t work miracles. He could turn armies, change the whole force of a battle by stepping into the middle of it. But he couldn’t fix the damage a single bullet could do to someone he loved so much.

Jinyoung was trying to find words to say again when his dad came in, likely already knowing how both boys were crying. Youngmin sat down by Mark and beckoned Jinyoung to come over. And Jinyoung began to understand a bit more. Mark and his dad formed a close relationship when he went off the games, his dad had maybe even felt like Mark was his third son. Mark was someone they both cared very much about. Mark was family. Jinyoung moved to Mark’s bed alongside his dad.

Youngmin hugged Mark and Jinyoung, bringing them both together and Jinyoung wrapped his arms around Mark. They were family, they went so far back to days when Mark had taught Jinyoung how to survive. Jinyoung knew that he would do anything to protect his family. He only wished he could have protected Mark when it was happening right in front of him.

What mattered to Jinyoung was that Mark was alive. Whatever challenges came with the change, he knew his family would stick by Mark's side. They would find a way to come out of it like they had come through everything else so far. That was what it meant to have a family.

—————

Within a week Jinyoung was once again called to meet with President Chae. His condition had gotten to a point where walking wasn't too badly but it still hurt. The medicines his father had given him were working wonders so he decided it was best to listen and to meet with Chae as requested. His mind was a mess thinking through all the things that had gone on. All his questions were running wild and he wondered what she would have to say about what had happened. Maybe she would tell him honestly why she’d ordered that broadcast.

He faced some arguments from his dad when he’d announced his plan to go. His father would rather him stay in bed and not walk much for more days but it was Jinyoung’s decision to make. Jinyoung had to decide in the end and the others would just have to respect his decision. When the time came Jackson arrived at the hospital to escort Jinyoung to Chae.

After the battle in District 2 their friends from District 5 had decided to immediately go back out into the war. They would be back at some point, Jinyoung was sure but he didn’t know when. He was glad Jackson had chosen to stay, he was glad to see Jackson. To walk alongside his friend and to be helped by Jackson. Jinyoung’s eyes studied the base as they walked silently, both comfortable in each other’s presence. Jinyoung couldn’t help but count the cameras in the halls. There were 17 between the hospital and Chae’s meeting rooms.

There were 17 different lenses recording footage of his every move as he made his way to face the woman with whom he had a very uneasy alliance. Jinyoung wondered how much power she had with tapes and tapes of footage of him. He wondered… He stepped into the room with her willingly. 

"Welcome Park Jinyoung," President Chae said as he entered. It was filled with the usual faces, the useless council members who barely did or said anything, along Wooyoung and JYP.

"Thank you," Jinyoung spoke to her politely, he saw no reason to do otherwise. He wanted to hear what she had to say this time.

"We have called you in to discuss next steps,” Chae cut to the chase quickly. There was no chiding him this time on not listening to her. He’d come as soon as he’d been told that he was being summoned.

"Yes we must discuss this,” Jinyoung said, "I think we very much need to inform the people of Panem that I have not died. Then as soon as I am ready I would like to be back in the field to continue the fight.” He wanted his own desires on the table right off. He was in pain, sitting there for long was not optimal.

"Well recent developments have been interesting," Chae replied, "we are doing very well, we are winning this war.”

"That is good to hear," Jinyoung replied. It was what they all wanted, to win the war and to move on with their lives.

"Yes," she said with a smile painted on her face, "it has been very positive. The people were energized by what they perceived happened to you. We have taken the fight to the Capitol. Their defenses have been holding but every district is united now, thanks to you.” Jinyoung was glad they were united but he had a sinking feeling that what she was saying was that his role was done.

"That is all good," Jinyoung replied, "but I am definitely going to get antsy just sitting around here while the war is still being fought. We need to let the people know I'm alive, then put me on the ground fighting in the Capitol if that is where the fight is. I can be of more use out there once I’ve fully recovered than here.”

"Do you not understand?" Chae asked. Her expression faltered for a second but the smile was back.

"Understand what?" Jinyoung questioned. He didn't like the look in her eyes, there was always something about her that was fake. It seemed magnified in the way she was currently looking at him. 

"What happened in district 2 was the final straw for the people of Panem,” she said, "you're a martyr now Jinyoung.” That was when he realized what she was saying. The things he had believed before about what she wanted, it had almost come to pass for her. If the secret of his suit being bulletproof had been known perhaps the outcome would have been different. The gleam in her eyes was clear, she wanted this. She probably wanted him to die on camera for the entire nation to see, that’s why she’d broadcasted it. It didn’t happen but she’d settled for letting everyone think he was dead.

The reality of what she was saying struck him strong. He felt a sense of cold fear in his veins. He’d always had a feeling that something was off, now he wondered if she really did want him dead. If that was the case maybe taking the way out and just moving on was a good thing. He didn’t know what else she could come up with to try and take him out… that was frightening. 

But he couldn’t stop the pieces of him that still wanted in on the fight. The war was his war, and he’d been promised the chance to take out Yang. After everything Yang had done to torment him and the children of their nation he wanted that chance. Yang had taken Jungkook from him, had tried to take Youngjae from him. Had taken Jaebeom from him and nearly killed Jaebeom.

"I'm not a martyr," Jinyoung could say that much as his brain was processing the information. He remembered the incident in district 12, there were no cameras in the district yet Yang's peacekeepers showed up. They’d showed up and Chae’s people had sent out cameras to film the whole thing. Chae was watching him, filming his every move waiting for the moment he died to share it with the world. It was a hunger games the entire time.

"I am worth more alive," Jinyoung argued. Because he had to argue for his own value. He was the revolution, it was all he had. The pressure had been on him so long, he didn’t know what to do if he wasn’t a part of it.

"Maybe," the President said, "but it is clear you being shot was very much a catalyst for this assault on the Capitol. You did very well getting them all to love you as we all planned. It is best we keep this momentum for the time being. When the time is right we will reveal your miraculous recovery or not. Everything could continue as it is and we could win without needing to place anything else on you.” Chae wore a smile that highlighted how fake everything about her was and Jinyoung was frightened by it.

"How long will that be?" Jinyoung asked her. He didn’t understand how long she expected things to go. If there was an assault on the Capitol, did it mean the war would end within weeks or would it drag on. How long did she plan on keeping him away?

"We will decide what to do when the time comes,” Chae said, “if we need you again we will bring you in.” Jinyoung felt the fear removed as hot anger seemed to replace it.

"And you agree with this?" Jinyoung asked JYP. He turned his head quickly towards the gamemaker. Jackson had said JYP was on their side. JYP seemed to be behind much of the propaganda concerning Jinyoung. But was that it? Was it all just a game to him after all. 

"I agree right now the momentum is currently in our favor and disrupting it is probably not wise,” JYP responded. "I disagree slightly with the reason for it but it isn't my place to discuss this. We are working for the best of the nation Jinyoung, we will inform you when we know more." It wasn’t his place. Jinyoung concluded he was right, JYP was also a pawn in Chae’s chess game. 

But there was a gleam in JYP’s eyes as he looked at Jinyoung. Like a warning and protectiveness with a glance JYP was telling him to back down. The look came and the look went quickly and JYP looked away from him. Something that was different, and Jinyoung couldn't quite understand it. He didn't know how to fight the decision when he wasn't physically fit to go out to the battlefield anyway. Biding his time and waiting for the opportune moment was probably the best way to go. He was never good with patience but he had to find a way to be.

"I will follow your plans," Jinyoung said, he would play her game if she wanted him to. He'd been playing a game all along anyways. "Let me know when I am needed." He hoped he would be needed again.

"Thank you for all you have done for Panem," she said with her fake plastic smile. He stood up and bowed out of respect.

"Thank you for letting me help," he responded, "it has been an honor to serve you." He had played the game long enough to know how to play it best. He bowed deep then he turned to leave. Bowing like that hurt, he couldn't wait till this injury was a thing of the past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot happened in this chapter, the boys are all wrecked in different ways. Please comment to let me know what you think, leave kudos and bookmark/subscribe if you don’t want to miss a thing!


	5. I’ll Carry You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung awaits recovery while he tries to reach Jaebeom and Mark.

Jinyoung made it his personal goal to make progress with the person he loved most. He wanted Jaebeom to understand that he wanted to be in Jaebeom’s life. Jinyoung kept trying but Jaebeom was hard for him to reach. Some days he talked but he spoke few words, some days he panicked, some days he cried. Jinyoung had never dealt with trying to help someone else the way he had been helped. He was frightened that he wouldn’t know how to reach Jaebeom. That he would never know what to do.

He was just glad Jaebeom let him get close. He let Jinyoung near to him, let Jinyoung touch him. At times Jaebeom held him but it was different than it had been before. Jinyoung took comfort in being close to Jaebeom as he started his road to recovery himself. The gunshot bruising and wound were taking their time to get better. But in the moments that he laid beside Jaebeom he felt better, like maybe they would make it through.

Until that night when Jinyoung had once again fallen to sleep in Jaebeom's arms it didn’t go as planed. Jaebeom had awoken in a deep panic and haze from unseen things Jinyoung couldn’t combat. Jinyoung had tried to calm him down but Jaebeom moved erratically and his elbow hit Jinyoung right where his injury was. The impact knocked the wind out of him and he felt like he couldn't breathe for a minute. Doctors had rushed in at the sounds and none of them were his dad.

Jinyoung wanted to stop the doctors as they moved Jinyoung and tried to restrain Jaebeom. Jinyoung wanted to calm Jaebeom, because Jinyoung understood that Jaebeom was probably associating everything they did back with what happened to him in the Capitol. Jinyoung couldn't stop them because he was immobilized and struggling to breathe through the pain in his side.

His father had come eventually to help diffuse the situation. Youngmin had helped Jinyoung through as Jinyoung said over and over, "don't hurt him, don't touch him." Jinyoung just wanted to fight for Jaebeom, to stay with Jaebeom but Jinyoung was moved back to his own bed. Jaebeom was sedated which was probably for the best being that the doctors had just made it all worse. Jinyoung felt empty as he wouldn’t lay still until he could see Jaebeom and keep eyes on him. Jinyoung’s heart hurt so much. He felt so lost, unable to stay by the side of the person he loved. 

"He's not himself Jinyoung," Youngmin said, "you can't expect things to be how they were before." His father was trying to help, trying to comfort him but Jinyoung didn’t want that kind of comfort. He didn’t know what he expected, Jinyoung had just wanted to get Jaebeom back. He loved him. 

"I wasn't expecting this to happen,” Jinyoung said with tears in his eyes, "I'm just trying to help him." He wanted to be by Jaebeom’s side to help him. Jinyoung knew his eyes were red from crying. He was in too much physical and emotional pain.

"It's going to take a lot more time," his father responded, “more weeks, more months, maybe years before things get better for him.” He didn't want that, he wanted his Jaebeom back. He wanted Jaebeom to be okay. He wanted to turn time back and change what had happened, held on tighter when he’d had the chance. Jinyoung felt so guilty for having left Jaebeom behind, even though he knew he couldn’t have done anything different. 

"I know," he simply responded, and he did know. It took time to find a way to be okay. Jinyoung still hadn’t managed it, he’d only managed to put a better face on for others. He still hadn’t healed from what happened in the arena, what happened in the war…

"You are healing up well Jinyoung," his father said, "we will be discharging you probably in days, you won't be here all the time anymore. He's going to have to work through a lot of this on his own." Jinyoung didn’t want to leave Jaebeom’s side. He didn’t think it was right of him to have to do that.

"That's not how it works," Jinyoung whined, "we're supposed to help each other." 

"I know," his dad said. Jinyoung saw sadness in his eyes as his dad continued to speak. "I want what is best for the both of you." 

"What is best is us being together," Jinyoung responded, "he'll get better. He's getting better, he opened up to me a bit it just takes time.”

"Still," his father said, "it's difficult. You haven't gone back to see Mark, he was asking for you today." Jinyoung felt horrible, he knew hadn't gone back since Mark had been woken up. He didn’t know how to process his feelings. Trying to help Jaebeom, trying to help Mark, it was tearing him apart. Jinyoung had made the excuse of not feeling well to stay away but in reality it was because of how unsure he was.

"I don't know what to say to him,” Jinyoung said.

“You have stood before armies and mobs and known what to say,” his dad chided him, “surely you can figure this mountain out as well.”

“It’s not simple,” Jinyoung said, “I have no clue how to talk to him.” He hated what had happened to his friend but he felt it was unfair to be upset by it. It was Mark having to live it.

“I suspect if Jaebeom was in that situation you would know, or you’d fight until you did,” Youngmin pointed out.

“That’s not a fair comparison,” Jinyoung said, “hypotheticals don’t really make anything fair.” They all knew Jaebeom was just a bit different to him. 

“I am just trying to say that you need to try harder,” he said, “these things are never easy but avoiding it won’t fix it. I would know.” Of course he would, he was an expert at avoiding his problems most of his life. Jinyoung and his father had been through a lot to finally reach a place where they could speak to each other. It was Youngmin’s actions that had strained their relationship but a change in his actions had changed them again. 

Jinyoung knew did need to confront his nervousness when it came to Mark, to face it and to figure it all out. Because if there was anyone Mark desperately needed it was his best friend. Mark was like his older brother. They had been brothers to each other for a long time. They had looked out for one another and survived together through the worst of times. Jinyoung didn’t think he would have lived long after his mother’s death if it hadn’t been for Mark. The two boys had learned to survive together.

Jinyoung knew they could figure out how to navigate anything together. It just hurt so badly knowing everyone he cared about was getting torn apart and he couldn't stop it from happening. He hadn't ever been able to stop it even though he’d tried. People made their own choices, and sometimes choices led to bad outcomes. He was learning not to blame himself for every outcome that he didn’t like.

He hated those outcomes. He was done trying to fight in a world where bad outcomes were the norm. He wanted to be back on the battlefield soon because this fight was very much his own. He would be the one to bring Yang down and shoot an arrow at his heart.

———

He was opening his eyes. He registered it as he was waking. He always took note that his eyes could still open, and that meant that he was still alive. What he didn't always register was that he was safe. He was starting to recognize more and more that he was in a hospital where they were putting him back together but this time they wouldn't tear him apart.

There were things Jaebeom noticed that cued him to being safe, like the heaviness in his body signaled to his brain that they sedated him. It was a difference that helped him grasp to reality, his captors had never sedated him. They wanted him awake for the things they were doing to him. They’d always wanted him awake. That his body felt heavy was a relief, a strange one. He did know that if they had sedated him that meant he’d been out of control somehow. They’d done it a few times. His mind was hazy trying to remember what had happened.

That was when his eyes shot open. Jinyoung… 

Jaebeom moved his arms searching for the other boy but Jinyoung wasn't next to him anymore. He turned and saw Jinyoung was in his own bed. For a moment he thought the younger was asleep but Jinyoung’s hand was tapping away at his side. Some things hadn't changed at all. There were things Jinyoung did to keep himself calm and Jaebeom had learned to recognize them all.

Jaebeom didn't remember what happened entirely, what he was sure about was that he had panicked. Jinyoung had been sleeping alongside him, that meant something bad must have happened. He couldn't control himself when those things happened. He could partially think but it was all a haze.

"Did I hurt you?" Jaebeom asked, that was what he was most worried about. Jinyoung was hurt, badly hurt from being shot. Jaebeom was terrified he’d done something he couldn’t remember, terrified he couldn’t trust his memories. He couldn’t trust himself around Jinyoung or anymore. Jinyoung turned to look at him. Jaebeom waited for him to speak.

"I'm fine," Jinyoung responded. That meant yes, that was what Jaebeom knew. Jinyoung couldn't quite read him but Jinyoung was still an open book to Jaebeom. Jaebeom could always see through him. He looked away and breathed shallow short breaths. He could barely believe what was happening to him. Jaebeom realized he wasn’t in control of himself and that meant Jinyoung shouldn't be near him.

Jinyoung was watching him, probably trying to analyze his every move. But Jaebeom could wall him out. That was something Jaebeom was good at even before, he was better now. He could keep Jinyoung out of how he was feeling and the waking nightmare he was living. He wasn't okay.

Everything around him was suffocating, staggeringly so, he couldn’t keep himself in control. They clearly hadn't told Jinyoung how many times they'd sedated him after he had tried to tear the place apart. Everything around him was too triggering because it reminded him of the hospital where they’d put him back together. It made things worse and he couldn't leave until he was physically recovered, he knew they wouldn’t let him go. He was sure the people of district 13 couldn't be trusted. 

Nothing around him could be trusted. He wished he was able to leave, because all he wanted was to get out and to run away. But he couldn’t. He physically couldn’t, he was too sick and broken down to even get up. It would take time to heal how broken his body was.

Jaebeom was messed up but he hadn’t lost his mind. He was starting to figure it all out, to figure out what the people of 13 wanted. They were using Jinyoung in their efforts to win the war and if Jaebeom was stronger Jaebeom would have put a stop to it to protect Jinyoung. That was his first instinct as he began to realize what was going on. But Jaebeom wasn't there when it had all begun to do anything. 

With how Jaebeom was physically he couldn't stop anything. His body wasn’t going to allow him too. Before the arena he’d felt able to protect Jinyoung, strong enough to fight his enemies. That had changed, he’d become nothing more than a burden to Jinyoung and everyone else. He was in pain most of the days he was awake, moving hurt.

Jaebeom believed he wasn't anything anymore but a hollow shell because they’d messed him up too much. He couldn't stop seeing the things that had happened to him. He couldn't stop being afraid of what came next, afraid the torture wasn’t over. Afraid he was past a point of ever recovering from what was done to him. He couldn't get out of his head and his memories. He wasn't himself anymore, he wasn’t there. He didn't know who Lim Jaebeom was. That was something that made him shut down. He wanted out of his reality, he wanted a way to escape it.

"Jaebeom, you're safe," Jinyoung said, maybe Jinyoung was reading him. Maybe Jinyoung could see more of what he was thinking. Maybe his walls weren't strong enough. He didn’t want to burden Jinyoung.

"We'll never be safe," Jaebeom responded. How could they be in Panem? How could they even think they were? 

Every single time he felt like he was safe, bad things happened again and each time those things were worse and worse. He had been prepared to die in his second Hunger Games, but he hadn’t prepared to be left for dead. He would have rather died than been left behind like he was. Picked up by the Capitol and tortured like he was. The thought made him start to tremble, he couldn’t control it.

Is that what he wanted now? To die. To end his miserable existence. Jaebeom was afraid of what was happening. A war was waging outside, everywhere, and Yang was actually strong enough to win it. He knew what Yang could do, the man’s mind was twisted. No matter what the rebellion did, Yang could imagine worse ways to fight back. Before there were game makers there was Yang, he’d made the Games what they had become. More than a fight to the death, more than a simple bad fight. Jaebeom experienced the man’s twisted mind.

Jaebeom always remembered the worst things that had happened to him while he was trapped in the Capitol. He was hung up by his arms for hours at times. Sometimes he’d been slowly lowered into a chamber filled with horrifying mutated bugs. He didn't want to remember, but there had been so many other things that he couldn’t shake. 

Times he was strapped down to a table as they tortured him with electric pulses, timed in ways to leave him afraid long after it had ended. The physical things weren't the worst things that had happened, it was the way Yang could mentally torture. One of the worst things was he had been placed in a glass box as fire surrounded him. The torture of not knowing if it was enough to kill him, of not knowing if the glass would break and kill him. He trembled from the memories of being surrounded within his first arena, as fire bore down on him. He was back to being a small child afraid of dying. Yang knew how to make his mind fall to pieces.

They tested injecting him with horrible substances that would make him feel like his skin was burning, and soon enough they had the idea to inject him and surround him in flames so he really felt like it was happening. That was when he’d almost wanted for it to be real so he could finally die, so his torture could finally end. It felt like there would never be any way out.

It seemed senseless like Yang was orchestrating it for his own twisted enjoyment. They had only told Jaebeom in the beginning what they wanted from him, then they stopped asking and the torture continued. They devised more and more ways to torment him, till he did beg them to stop. Yang was there over and over, Yang would speak venomous words as everything got darker.

There had been a day where he sat in his cell and his enemies played voice recordings that sounded like Jinyoung begging for them to stop. His biggest fear was that Yang had gotten what he’d wanted… that he’d captured and brought Jinyoung there. When Jaebeom found out it was all a part of the torture it didn't change much. He was so scared. So scared when Yang told him that they had Jinyoung cornered. He had been so scared that he’d begged Yang to keep torturing him. He’d begged Yang to do whatever Yang wanted to do to him and begged him not to touch Jinyoung.

Things were horrible but there was always recovery. They broke his body down, then pieced him back together every single time. Recovery was worse because recovery was a reminder that he could never get out of it. It was Yang and his captors saying, that he couldn’t die to escape it. And death was a better alternative than being beaten to near death over and over again. It was better than having his arms pulled out of socket and put back in. It was better than the things that were happening to him.

He had wanted to die in that place because he’d seen no way out but they wouldn't let him. He gave up on hope of being rescued, he tried to die but they always prevented it. And over and over again he was told by Yang that Jinyoung would be caught and Jaebeom would watch while he was ripped apart by the most gruesome mutts. His only glimmer of hope was that Jinyoung wasn’t there, that Jinyoung eluded Yang.

Yang started making things even worse as time went on. Yang would tell him that Jaebeom was his to tear apart as he wished. That Jaebeom wasn't anything but a tool to test out the ways that he planned on torturing others.

And Yang seeded in his mind that it all could stop, and that there was only one way. Yang told him it would stop if he helped Yang captured Jinyoung. Jaebeom told him never, he said never so many times. He would never do that, he couldn’t betray the boy he loved. It didn't matter what they did to him, he couldn't do that. It made the situation more mentally damaging, more hopeless. 

Jaebeom hated feeling hopeless. And in the mist of it he had heard things. He knew many things were going on in the nation from what he heard his captors say when they thought he wasn’t listening. There were times Jaebeom was brought to the mansion and there he had heard the plans about district 13. That was how he’d known about the bombings. The plan he heard was that they would burry Jinyoung and the others alive. So Jaebeom had finally had the strength to do something of his own agency, to lie and tell Yang he would do anything he asked.

That was why Yang had included him in a plot to lure Jinyoung in. Jaebeom was the perfect bait and he was aware of what it meant. They fixed him up, cleaned him up, dressed him up and put him in front of a camera as bait all for Jinyoung. He wasn't to speak unless Yang told him to, he played off the situation as if he was a broken man who would do nothing more than listen. 

He’d put himself through so much because protecting Jinyoung was all he knew. Protecting Jinyoung was something that had become the only instinct he could cling to. Maybe that was all he knew after what he had endured. If he could protect Jinyoung then that was enough wasn't it? Jinyoung was safe in 13? They weren’t save, the people of 13 had tried to hurt Jinyoung. The people of 13 acted like they could help but they’d hurt Jinyoung and they couldn't put Jaebeom back together. Nothing could put Jaebeom back together.

The memories were seared into his brain, his worst fears all came up from the things around him setting them off. There were times he could manage it, some few times. Those times he could keep it down so deep inside himself it would stay there. But other times it lived at the surface. There were times it threatened to tear apart everything he was.

Those were the times all he could do was panic and pull the needles they buried into his skin out. Because he didn't trust any of them. They put needles in him like the Capitol's scientists had. They strapped him down, they surrounded him. It all brought him back to what had happened.

Jaebeom didn't want to think of the comparisons. Those things that ate away at him were dangerous, destructive thoughts. When he walked down those paths he wanted to tear the needles out and stick them right back into the men that put them there. Jinyoung hadn't been told anything, Jaebeom was sure of that. If he had Jaebeom knew things would be different. 

Regardless he was sure Jinyoung would grow tried of trying to fix what couldn't be fixed. He didn’t believe Jinyoung would be okay long term, in trying to help and save someone who didn't exist anymore. Jinyoung would grow tried, Jinyoung would leave. People had always left Jaebeom, they always walked away when they realized they couldn’t help him get through his trauma.

It was the realest thing Yang made sure to remind him of. Yang recalled how quickly Jaebeom’s parents were to abandon him when he was broken. It hadn’t taken much for Yang to convince them to leave their son. Everyone always left. Jaebeom had been hurting back then, but what had happened to him at the Capitol was worse. No one would stick around and stay by his side. He wanted Jinyoung, he loved Jinyoung but he couldn’t have Jinyoung. He couldn't expect Jinyoung to wait forever for him to recover. He was sure he should have died in the arena. It would have been a better ending for both of them.

He hadn’t noticed how he had clenched his fists so tight and closed his eyes so tight, as if he could lock everything away again by just doing so. He didn't notice till a hand touched his arm that his breathing had sputtered off like Jinyoung's used to. Jinyoung wasn't like that anymore, Jinyoung was stronger than ever. 

Jaebeom’s eyes opened and met Jinyoung’s and Jaebeom saw a resolve in his eyes. It was always there in Jinyoung since they’d met again, in the things he did. Jinyoung was so strong, and Jaebeom didn't deserve someone that strong wasting their time on him. Jinyoung almost died so many times because of him. Jaebeom didn’t deserve to love him.

"Don't," Jinyoung said as he closed his eyes again, "don't close your eyes." He opened them, because Jinyoung's words did sound like a command. Jinyoung looked at him with intensity. 

"Keep your eyes on me," Jinyoung told him, "don't look at the things you're afraid of. They're not real." Jaebeom couldn't breathe as he kept his eyes on Jinyoung.

"They're not here," Jinyoung said, "I am."

Jinyoung was right in front of him. Jaebeom wanted to believe it was real, that Jinyoung would be there forever. But that was never how it worked in his life, and he’d been ripped apart far too much to ever be put back together.

"How much longer?" Jaebeom asked, because he knew it would end. It always ended, people always left. It was a certainty, a consistency in his life.

"Forever," Jinyoung told him, "I'm not leaving." It was as if Jinyoung could see his fears. But Jaebeom was sure Jinyoung couldn't see past his walls. He’d always built them high enough, strong enough to keep Jinyoung from seeing his weaknesses and his fears. But he wasn’t sure he had anything left of walls. Nothing but broken down pieces he couldn’t hold up to protect himself. He didn’t deserve Jinyoung, he couldn’t have Jinyoung. 

Jaebeom breathed deep and looked down at where Jinyoung’s hand was on his arm, holding on to him. 

"Well maybe you should," Jaebeom said. Jaebeom pulled his arm away from Jinyoung hard, recoiling away. He pulled back away from Jinyoung entirely and looked away from him. He saw the brief flash of hurt in the younger’s eyes as he looked away and broke away. It hurst that he realized he may have to hurt Jinyoung, to push him out of his life.

Because Jinyoung deserved better than him. He wasn't going to get better, the darkest things they did would always be carried by him. Even in the times it felt like he could get better he knew it was a fantasy, something that he could only imagine. He couldn't erase his memories.

He couldn't remove the scars from his body.

He couldn't turn back time.

He was useless, worthless. His mind always went back to the reality that he should have died in that arena, and let his last day be the day he was strong enough to make a difference. That was the day where he had been able to save Jinyoung, to tell him how much he loved him. That should have been his end, it would have been a much better end.

It would have been a heroic and beautiful end. But he’d been left for dead in the worst way and because of it he was stuck alive. There was no way to get such an ending back. He wouldn’t be allowed a way out because like the peacekeepers and scientists in the Capitol he was sure the people there wouldn't let him die. He was once again stuck living a life he couldn’t escape. He didn’t know what to do or who he was. He just knew he had to push Jinyoung away, it was better for both of them that way.

—————

Days had passed in which Jinyoung had gotten nowhere with Jaebeom. Jinyoung wasn’t getting anywhere with the man he loved but in that time he’d made progress with the recovery of his injury. The pain had lessened to a slight ache, his recovery was nearly complete. He’d woken that morning and been told by his father that he would be discharged that day. He’d made it through he worst so the rest of his recovery wouldn’t need medication or monitoring. Jinyoung was torn because he didn't want to be away from Jaebeom.

He wished he could stay there with Jaebeom always, but it was a fight they hadn't won. He would have to settle for daily visits with Jaebeom once again. Daily as long as he was around the base to be able to make those visits. Since he was nearly fully recovered he felt it was a good time to go back to the council of district 13 and request knowledge of the front lines. To at least know how things were going with the war efforts.

Jinyoung had tried to get news while stuck in the hospital but his requests had been ignored. The doctors kept telling he that he wasn’t allowed to meet with the Council until he was recovered. It had made him want to ask about his discharge. It was difficult being caught between two things, wanting to stay with Jaebeom and wanting to be involved with the war. While in the hospital he couldn’t easily get up and go to see Chae. He needed a summons or invite to be let out of the hospital and his requests for one weren’t heeded.

It had all made Jinyoung wonder if Chae would make a move to keep him from being discharged if she wanted to maintain keeping him on the sidelines. If Chae wanted to she could just keep him in the hospital, unable to do anything without express permission. He knew at least his father wouldn’t allow such orders to stand.

Being in the same room all day everyday wasn’t easy. Jinyoung waited for his discharge time but he was getting antsy. He waited until Jaebeom fell asleep mid morning and then he got up to walk around the hospital. It was hard not moving much for so many days, he was feeling a lot better and he was glad for that. Sometimes there was an ache in his side but it had decreased to where it was almost completely gone. The doctors said his ribs were nearly fully healed. That was why he could take deeper breaths without pain.

Jinyoung walked around the hospital halls thinking about what to do about Jaebeom. He had no idea how to get through to him, how to talk to him. Jaebeom was being difficult, shutting down and shutting him out and it hurt him. 

Jinyoung's state of mind still wasn't good with all the things that had been going on. He was stressed, off kilter, covering it up as best he could. His mind was numb, temporarily blocking out other issues that were much larger than himself. Everything Jaebeom had gone through was because of Yang, and Yang was still out there. Maybe Yang thought Jinyoung was dead, maybe he didn’t. Whatever was going on Jinyoung was worried. He was trying to ignore, trying to forget. He wished he could feel stronger but the situation with Jaebeom had put a shadow over his head. He’d hoped having Jaebeom safe would ease his anxieties and give him relief. It did little for him.

He had briefly gotten Jaebeom to respond to him but it hadn’t lasted very long. He was hitting a wall he couldn't bust through on a situation he hadn’t expected to upend his life. It all went back to what he’d expected when he’d rescued Jaebeom. Jaebeom had been his safe harbor, the person Jinyoung sought when every wall closed in. Maybe he had been selfish… had he rescued Jaebeom for his own sake? No. No. He loved Jaebeom, he loved and loved and loved Jaebeom. That was why he’d wanted him back. Jinyoung hadn’t gone looking for love, he hadn’t started with Jaebeom in love. Somehow that had happened along the way. But it was all broken. Jinyoung could say he loved Jaebeom but it made no difference to Jaebeom.

_I'm not leaving._

_Well maybe you should._

Why would he say something like that? Why wouldn't he respond when Jinyoung said over and over that he loved him? What else could he do? He wanted Jaebeom. He was scared that he’d never get Jaebeom back, even after everything they’d endured. Nothing was the same as it had been before the arena. When Jaebeom’s gentle kisses were ghosts he wasn’t sure if he had imagined or not.

Everything was wrong, it was like Jaebeom didn't even remember who Jinyoung was. There were time's he was there, like when he had first pulled Jinyoung close. It was relief, something Jinyoung had desired for so long. But that all ceased once again. Jinyoung knew part of it was how Jaebeom had aggravated his injury and how aware Jaebeom was of it. He had watched Jaebeom close enough and seen it. Jaebeom’s expression had changed as he asked if he’d hurt Jinyoung, when he’d put it together what had happened. Jinyoung didn't want him to be blaming himself for something like that, but it had set them back. 

Jaebeom was more volatile than Jinyoung could even understand. Jaebeom wouldn’t open up or talk to him, he just pushed Jinyoung away. Jinyoung tried to pull Jaebeom back, to hold on to what little was there but he didn’t know what to. He clenched his fists. It was all so unfair. Every bit of it was wrong.

Jinyoung was thinking of heading back to try and speak to Jaebeom again but he was pulled from his thought at the sounds of shouting. Jinyoung turned towards them recognizing what he was hearing. He was jostled a bit as he turned back to see nurses running past him. His eyes followed the direction they were moving in. Where the shouting was coming from…

He heard Mark's voice and without even thinking he ran after them.

"Mark," he shouted as he followed the nurses towards where Mark was. He rushed into the room and what he saw definitely wasn't what he was expecting. There was a walker, they had brought metal braces that looked like they were meant to fit over Mark's legs and there was also a wheelchair in the room. Mark was on the ground, crying and shouting at the doctors who were seemingly trying to help him up. Jinyoung felt his heart drop, all the uncertainty he had about this situation melted away. Mark needed him and he knew that he had to be there for his friend.

"Mark," Jinyoung shouted, Jinyoung pushed past the doctors towards him. Jinyoung dropped to his knees on the floor and put his hands to his friends shoulders. The doctors were talking loudly and talking to him he was sure but he couldn’t hear them. He didn’t want to.

"Mark I'm here," Jinyoung sad, “I’m here.” 

"Jinyoung, I can't do it, I can't," Mark cried as he recognized him, "I can't, I can't." Jinyoung felt an ache in his chest as he heard those words from his friend.

"It's okay," Jinyoung told him, tears filled his eyes, "you're okay." Nothing was okay.

"I'm not," Mark cried, "I'm not, I can't do this. I can't."

"It's okay," Jinyoung repeated but he knew he had to say it differently, "it's okay not to be okay. Everything is going to be different now, it is different but you're strong enough to do this Mark. You are strong enough.” Jinyoung realized the talking and shouting had ceased, the doctors had stopped and Jinyoung glanced back. They were backing away from the boys.

"I can't walk," Mark said, "I'll never walk again, I can't live like this, I can't do this. I can’t—“ 

"Mark!" Jinyoung shouted to break up the words he kept repeating over and over again. "Don't say that, don't believe that!” He knew what it was like to be so broken that those words of being unable to continue on had invaded his thoughts. He didn’t want that for Mark.

"Jinyoung," he broke down and pushed his face to Jinyoung's chest. He was sobbing and Jinyoung put arms around him to hold him tight. It was hell, the things they had gone through, the things Mark had experienced. They never should have happened. Jinyoung wanted to break down right along with him but he knew he needed to be Mark’s strength. He needed to be what Mark couldn’t produce within himself, not yet. Sometimes it took time to move forward.

"I am so sorry this happened to you," Jinyoung said softly, "this won't be easy, I know it won't be. It's hell, this world we live in but you're not going to give up. You’re going to overcome this, you’re going to beat this. These people are trying to help you.” He wanted Mark to feel safe, Mark who had lost so much. 

"Jinyoung I can't do anything anymore," Mark said sobbed between the words he spoke. “everything I've ever been able to do was taken away from me, I’m worthless now." He hated those words.

"You're not," Jinyoung cried, "You're not worthless to me, to any of us. I love you Mark, you're my brother." He held Mark closer, he had to get through to him. Mark could make it through they both could.

"I won't ever walk in the forest again," Mark whimpered, "or hunt or be able to just go see the stars at night. I'm trapped! I’m trapped like this forever!"

"No," Jinyoung shook his head as he hugged Mark a little tighter, "you're not trapped, you're just different now. Nothing is wrong with being different, we'll adjust, we’ll find a way together.” He shook slightly as he just wanted so desperately to show Mark he wasn’t alone.

“I can’t—“ Mark began to speak again.

"So what you can't walk," Jinyoung snapped at him, speaking letting words come out, everything he felt, “So what this happened, you’re not alone in this. I’ll help you. I'll be here, and I'll carry you wherever you want to go. Where do you want to go that you think you can’t?” Jinyoung would do it. Mark pulled back and his eyes met Jinyoung’s, red and burning from tears he cried so hard.

"Jinyoung-ah," Mark cried, "you're hurt too.” Jinyoung wasn’t entirely aware how much Mark knew about the gunshot thing… but it didn’t matter.

"Where do you want to go right now Mark?" Jinyoung asked him. He felt like he already knew the answer. He’d known since they were children that the place Mark always longed to be was the forest. Where the trees covered and shielded them from the sights of the peacekeepers. Where they could feel free just for those short times when they could slip away.

"The forest," Mark admitted what Jinyoung knew, "there's still some left after the bombs." Jinyoung stroked his hair from his face. They were kids who’d survived together, they were still those kids brave enough to try. 

"Alright then," Jinyoung said he turned back to the doctors, "help me get him on my back."

"You haven't been discharged yet," a nurse brought up.

"I don't care. He need's this, we're going,” Jinyoung used the tone of voice that usually came out when he was fighting for something from Chae. A command. He was the one in charge again. One of the doctors nodded quickly and moved to help him. Jinyoung and the doctor together got Mark up off the ground. Mark was still crying and looking at his legs.

"It's going to be okay," Jinyoung told him as he turned around while Mark was leaned against the doctor. Mark's hands came around his shoulders. The doctor helped Mark move his legs and Jinyoung grabbed them and Mark’s weight was fully on him. Jinyoung took a moment to adjust to the weight of his friend, his side flared up un pain slightly but he didn't care. He was going to carry Mark into that forest no matter what was going on. He was going to get him all the way up there. Mark had taken him there before when he needed it so badly. It was his turn to help Mark now.

"Jinyoung-ah," Mark said his name as Jinyoung began taking steps. The doctors followed behind, the one who had helped him seemed kind and he walked with them. He knew what they needed and was waving the others off.

"Bring a stretcher," one of the doctors said. Jinyoung understood it was a precaution if this didn't go well but Jinyoung was confident that he could make it. He knew they needed express passes from the council to get out to the forest or someone who knew the way around. Lucky for him he spotted Youngjae as he walked towards the exit.

"Jae, get Jackson!" Jinyoung shouted at Youngjae. Jackson would know the way and would go with them.

"Jinyoung what are you doing!" Youngjae asked in shock at what he was seeing.

"Get Jackson now,” Jinyoung said, "tell him to meet us on the top floor." He knew there would be time, it was slow going carrying the weight of Mark. Youngjae nodded and ran out of the hospital, not questioning anything further. 

"Jackson lost someone because of me," Mark responded.

"No," Jinyoung said, "you don't get to walk down that road and blame yourself. Jackson doesn't blame you either." Mark went silent as Jinyoung walked towards the elevator. The doctor who walked alongside them helped them open it.

"You can put him down once we get on," the doctor said, "I'll help you."

"Thanks but no,” Jinyoung said. He was going to carry Mark all the way.

He was going all the way. He wanted to show Mark he wasn't lost, he wasn't alone and what differences there were wouldn’t matter. They would overcome them because they were together. They were all going to help him moving forward, whatever he needed they would be there. Jinyoung would be there, Youngmin and Youngjae would be there and Jinyoung was sure Jackson would be there as well. They would carry him through whatever came. That was what brothers did. The elevator opened to the top floor and Jinyoung took a deep breath. 

It was getting harder, he was sure he was faltering. His side was burning with pain but he kept going, he kept taking each step. He walked out onto the top floor and he saw Youngjae and Jackson running towards them. 

"We need to go outside,” Jinyoung said to Jackson. He was hoping his friend was up for more rule breaking. Jackson always seemed to understand what was needed without words.

"We don't have a pass," Jackson said.

"Yeah but they'll listen to me," the doctor with him told them, “they need this." Jinyoung smiled in relief, he was grateful to the doctor. He wondered why he had never seen him around before, and wondered if he had come in from another district.

"Thank you," Jinyoung told him.

"It's nothing," the man said. He led them to the exit and told the guards they all needed to get out. There were other nurses as well with that stretcher the doctor ordered. Jinyoung's muscles burned and it was tempting to take the out but he had to make it to the top. Mark was important, and Mark needed Jinyoung to do this.

The guards let them out on the request of the doctor. Jinyoung was surprised how easy it was but he continued forward and saw the outside for the first time since the bombings. He was shocked at the unevenness of the ground. The bombs had done quite a bit but he didn’t feel he had time to examine it. He saw the forest in front of him and the finish line of his task, they would make it. The waterfall would be there too, Jinyoung remembered the way deep into the forest past the ruins.

“We’re almost there," Jinyoung told Mark, he felt Mark's warm tears on his skin. He felt Mark nod. He adjusted a bit to get Mark higher up his back to try and get some of the pressure to move up. He wasn't going to give up on this for a second. Mark needed this, he needed him now. Jinyoung was trying hard not to cry as well. They walked on as a larger group than when Jinyoung had gone out to the trees with just Mark but the moment they were in meant more.

"Almost there," Jinyoung said again as he walked watching his step. He wasn't going to drop Mark and fall. They kept walking and began to enter the forest, he heard Mark gasp. He was probably in disbelief that it was really happening, that they had really made it this far.

Jinyoung didn't just stop upon reaching the forest, he was going for the place they had sat before. Before the bad thing had happened.

"I've got you," Jinyoung wanted to keep reassuring him.

"Jinyoung-ah," Mark said again as his voice broke. Jinyoung smiled through his tears. Jinyoung smiled knowing he could do something for Mark even when he was feeling so unsure about so many things. When he himself felt like falling apart, he could still be strong for someone else. That made him feel better even if it was for just a moment..

When they made it to the waterfall, Jinyoung carefully let go of Mark's legs. He didn't let anyone help him. He turned to take Mark and slowly sit down with him in the soft grass. They could listen to the sound of the water together soothing and healing. The forest was so much a part of who Mark was, he had been the one to take Jinyoung there and help Jinyoung use the forest to survive. If Jinyoung ever wanted to find Mark as a child he had only to look in the forest. Mark was crying into his shoulder and Jinyoung saw the others moving away.

The others would wait nearby for when they needed them again, they were respectful of the boys needing space together. Jinyoung didn't care about how he had to gasp a bit for breath, or the pain that did shoot through his side. It was worse than it had been for days but it didn’t matter, it would heal again. He cared about Mark, helping Mark make it and he was glad he’d done it. They leaned on each other, and clung to each other. Both of them cried. Both of them had begun a journey together so long before and that hadn't changed. They were still on a journey together in support of each other while each faced their own struggles and their own losses. This time things were different.

The struggle before them was a difficult, a tragic moment but one that they had to overcome. Jinyoung wouldn't let Mark be defeated by this, because he knew Mark was much much stronger than that. They sat together crying for so long and Jinyoung finally spoke.

"Didn't you want to see the forest?" The sun would set before they even looked. Jinyoung pulled away from him a second and Mark's face broke with a bit of a chuckle through his tears. Jinyoung smiled at him so brightly, happy to see a bit of light in Mark’s eyes again. 

"Yeah," Mark responded, "I wanted to see it again." They leaned together watching the waterfall as they had maybe months before. When Jinyoung had felt like a hollowed out shell, maybe he still felt that way but somehow he was managing a bit better.

"Nothing is wrong with being different," Jinyoung said to him softly, "nothing is wrong with struggling either, but whatever you struggle through you don't have to do it alone. I'll always be here, I'll always carry you and I know Jackson will as well, and Youngjae and Dad and even Jaebeom when he's better." Jinyoung hoped the last one was true, he had to believe Jaebeom could get better. Maybe it would take a longer time than he wanted but it had to happen.

"Thank you Jinyoung-ah," Mark said to him, he still had his arms around Jinyoung, his head on his shoulder and he was watching the waterfall as the colors of the sunset filled their sights. Jinyoung was glad Mark wasn't crying anymore, he wasn't smiling but this was the start. A start at moving forward.

It hurt so much that the doctors couldn't fix Mark, but Jinyoung wouldn't let that get in the way of his life. Mark had a life ahead of him and people who would stay by him through all of it. Jinyoung wanted to go back to the battlefield but what hit him hard about the reality of the fight was that he wanted to live. He desperately wanted to live to see what would become of their lives when the war ended. Jinyoung had people that needed him, that he cherished. He smiled as he saw Jackson and Youngjae approaching. 

Jackson sat next to Mark, Jackson leaned on Mark. Youngjae sat next to Jinyoung and leaned on him as well. They had become a family, an odd one but one that belonged together. And when the sun set entirely they all laid together on the grass watching the stars through the trees. There was some laughter mostly from Jackson and Youngjae and the best part was they were all holding hands together. Their real strength was in each other, and that was enough.

That made Jinyoung think, that maybe all they had together could be a key for Jaebeom as well. Maybe they all could help him find who he was again. Together they were enough, so together they could make Jaebeom see he would never be alone. They would all be there for each other forever.

And the night came. Mark fell asleep with his head on Jinyoung's shoulder and Jackson lifted him up from the ground. Jinyoung looked up at Jackson, grateful for the other boy in his life. A friendship he had resisted for so long, yet Jackson had become a pillar in his life. One of the people he relied on the most. Jinyoung stood up and nodded to him. They walked back together. Youngjae put his arms around Jinyoung and leaned on him as they walked. For a time Jinyoung felt safe, like there wasn't a war raging around them.

His family gave him so much more to fight for. 

There was a time he felt alone, a time where his burdens were too heavy and he had to bear them alone. But that time was ending. 

And peace would come, and light would come and Jinyoung knew what Jin said was right. It would never leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, this chapter took a lot of energy. Please leave comments and kudos. Any positive interaction makes me happy.


	6. To Make  A Difference

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung fights to move forward back into the war.

The amount of time he’d spent in the hospital was becoming overwhelming. Jinyoung was re-admitted for examination following the incident with Mark. They said he’d re-aggravated his injury in a bad way and they wanted to keep him there for continued observation due to the state of his ribs. Jinyoung had been worried about being away from Jaebeom but he realized that the physical consequences kept him from being able to check on the war… that was difficult for him. His father told him he needed to take precautions with his recovery and that they couldn’t be too careful. 

Jinyoung spent the majority of his time in hospital trying to get Jaebeom to open up but had made no progress. He asked his father how much longer Jaebeom would need medical treatment, as his physical recovery was something that worried Jinyoung. His father told him a set timeframe hadn't been determined. Such a thing largely depended on how Jaebeom responded to physical therapy and his mental state was a concern the doctors were also trying to factor in.

Jinyoung learned from his father that Jaebeom's body was in very bad shape for many reasons. Jaebeom hadn’t spoken about what had happened to him after he was left behind, so the doctors couldn’t gauge the exact causes. He was undergoing several treatments each day and they were waiting for more improvements before determining a time frame on his recovery. Youngmin had already found someone in the district who could give a psychological evaluation. He had determined that they needed someone who could talk Jaebeom through his experiences and help him to realize he was safe now. Someone impartial who was an outsider to those Jaebeom already knew.

It seemed District 13 had some people in their medical center trained in psychological care, but they weren’t used often. Patients with cases as severe as Jaebeom's didn't come along often in the compound. It made Jinyoung wonder why he wasn’t given that care. The doctor's response to Jinyoung's psychosis had been to shoot him up with drugs to calm him down. It was an aggressive sort of treatment, and it did work to calm him, but Jinyoung wondered if the outcome might have been different if Chae and others hadn’t wanted him out of the hospital quickly. 

But they needed him to fan the flames of their revolution. Jinyoung had thought it all out in his head, what had really happened and what the purpose was. The way the cameras were everywhere he went, always fixated solely on him it seemed. The conclusion he’d come to was that the drugs were given to him to get him fit for the fight as fast as could be. The revolution didn’t have time to spare for his psychological healing. His treatment was to patch him up just enough to keep him going. It was the theory he’d found made the most sense. 

It couldn't have been as nefarious as his father and others had tried to make it out to be. It was simply their way of keeping the war effort moving. To everyone around him, he had been a key to propping up the revolution. It was all placed on his shoulders. He’d had a lot of time to think over why so many things had happened. Chae may have said she wanted him pulled back from the front lines, that she didn’t mind people believing he was dead, but it was a lie. He’d be pushed to leave again. Likely as soon as he was truly discharged.

A few more days went by and Jinyoung was getting stronger. Each day he spent as much time as he could with Mark. The doctors were trying to help Mark through understanding all the options they had, the ones they had on hand as well as the more experimental. Mark was getting through as best as he could, and it wasn’t simple but he was doing his best to move forward.

It was never going to be easy, that much was clear. They didn’t have many options, so they’d settled first for anything that could assist Mark in learning some mobility again. Jinyoung's father told him there was potential to repair the damage all together. There were state-of-the-art treatments the Capitol had at their disposal as their medical centers were far more advanced than District 13's. Youngmin didn't want to get anyones hopes up but he wanted Jinyoung to know that the Capitol might have an answer to Mark's immobility. If the Capitol had the answer, that was one more reason for Jinyoung to win the war.

Jinyoung understood why that wasn't something that he could talk about with Mark. He didn’t want to get his friends' hopes up. The doctors moved forward with continuing to fit an external walking device to his body from his legs to his waist. With practice, it would allow him to move his body with his hands. Mark hated it but didn't resist it. There was also the wheelchair which would most likely be the long term solution. The ones they had in District 13 had controls, so Mark could direct it himself. Both methods took much getting used to and Jinyoung spent as much time helping Mark adapt as he could. 

The doctors allowed them to wheel all over the base together, laughing, making the most fun of their days they could. Youngjae had a lot of fun getting on the back of the wheelchair as Mark drove it through the halls. They laughed and talked about hacking it to increase its speed. Jinyoung thought maybe Wooyoung could help them actually do it. Anytime Mark laughed again Jinyoung was satisfied and happy to see him laugh and smile. Mark was always strong, Jinyoung believed in him.

With Mark doing better, Jinyoung had turned more of his attention back to Jaebeom. The elder was stubborn, almost as if he was trying to deliberately hurt Jinyoung in order to get him to stop trying. Jinyoung wasn’t sure what to do because it did hurt him. It hurt everytime Jaebeom ignored him and turned away. Jinyoung had so desperately needed Jaebeom when they were separated, it was becoming harder and harder to have him back and be ignored.

As Jaebeom's apathy continued, Jinyoung started to realize he needed help. He couldn’t do it alone. Jaebeom could shut Jinyoung out but if everyone got involved it seemed possible that they could break those walls.

Time brought troops back from the field, and among those were friends he had missed. Jin, Namjoon, Yoongi, Jimin and Hoseok returned. Taehyung and Yugyeom talked of nothing else but their return for days before it happened.

Yugyeom and Taehyung had also joined the effort and dedicated themselves to helping to cheer Mark up as well. They would spend their own spare time with Mark when he was out and about getting used to his wheelchair. Yugyeom had told Jinyoung he was working with Wooyoung on different weapons systems for the fights, and he was happy to be more a part of the war effort. Jinyoung had hoped that meant Yugyeom had some insight into what was going on but it turned out that he did not and Chae wouldn't respond to any of his requests for a meeting. He was going to just barge in but when he heard the others were coming back Jinyoung decided to wait for them.

Namjoon had apparently gained a lot of favor with the leaders of every district and was a general leading troops from District 5 himself. He likely knew what was going on in the long siege on the Capitol better than Chae did. Jin had been promoted to working with the medical officers and had received medical training on the field. Time was moving fast and Jinyoung realized no news from the front meant that nothing good had been gained.

Jinyoung was still with Jaebeom when the others landed back in 13. His dad had delivered some good news and told him that Jaebeom's body was making as much of a recovery as the doctors had hoped for and that he was expected to be physically doing very well within two weeks. He was responding to physical therapy well and was starting to work on walking again.

But despite all the progress he was making physically, Jaebeom was still shutting Jinyoung out. All Jinyoung could do was keep trying. All he could do was try to remind Jaebeom who he was, what they had been.

"Jaebeom," Jinyoung said his name as he sat on a chair next to his bed. Jaebeom had turned away from him, awake but unresponsive. He wasn't giving Jinyoung any attention.

"Jaebeom please talk to me,” Jinyoung tried again. They’d been in the same position many times it seemed. Jinyoung could only keep asking for Jaebeom to give him a chance. Jinyoung was growing desperate. If he got sent out to the warring districts again, he wanted to at least know what he was coming back to. But there was nothing. Jaebeom gave him nothing.

"Mark's doing better. He's laughing again," Jinyoung said softly. He always tried to give Jaebeom updates about the others. "Youngjae wanted to come in and see you, but he's been working hard in another wing of the hospital. My dad is training him to be a doctor, he's very gifted at this stuff. He'll be 14 soon, he's growing up so fast."

Nothing, Jaebeom didn't even look at him.

"Jaebeom I know it's hard," Jinyoung said, his heart was breaking. Every day he tried and got nothing in return his heart broke more, "After the games I couldn't stop seeing what those guys from 11 did to us. I can imagine what you went through was much worse. I shut down when I got out of that arena, but I honestly thought if you were there it would have been different, cause when you were here it was always better. Now I'm here and I want to help you, please… am I not enough?" Jinyoung wanted so badly to be enough for him.

Nothing.

"Please, don't shut me out too," He tried.

Nothing.

"Jaebeom please don't do this to me," He begged.

Nothing. Tears, heart pounding, breaking. Jinyoung had tears in his eyes. He was pushing away a lot of his emotions and fears, the pressure he was under trying to focus on helping Jaebeom. That was the best he could do but nothing he ever did was enough. He wanted relief from his struggles, he wanted _Jaebeom_ , but all he got from Jaebeom was hurt. It hurt and that hurt easily slipped to anger. 

"Do you want me to cry?" Jinyoung asked him desperately, "do you want me to beg and scream and lose my mind just so you can keep this up? Is that what you want?"

Nothing.

"I'm going back to the battlefield soon," Jinyoung said resolutely. He knew that was the truth, the longer things went on the more likely he’d be pushed back to the forefront of it. They would always find a way to use him to keep things going. "Do you want me to go out there hurting?" Jinyoung asked, "do you want me to die from this?"

Nothing.

"Please just _look_ at me!" He pleaded, the words scraping his throat on the way out. There was nothing Jinyoung could do but to keep begging for Jaebeom to listen to him. It broke him. Before, Jaebeom had been the one to reach Jinyoung and Jinyoung had responded. This time Jinyoung had reached back. 

Nothing.

Jinyoung stood up and sat on Jaebeom's bed next to him. He wanted so badly to look into Jaebeom’s eyes again. Jinyoung moved his hands to turn Jaebeom's face but his wrist was caught by Jaebeom's hand. His grip was tight and forceful. His eyes finally turned to meet Jinyoung's, but there was nothing but cold emptiness in them.

"Don't touch me," Jaebeom spat as he pushed Jinyoung's arms back towards him before rolling over. 

Jinyoung's heart was pounding from the callous way Jaebeom had just discarded him and turned away. It hurt. More than anything it hurt... Like something had just been broken. Jinyoung felt his chest tightening, his body starting to shake slightly from the blatant rejection of his touch. 

"Please," Jinyoung pleaded, pain seeping into his voice, "please don't abandon me like this." 

He took a deep breath as Jaebeom's head moved slightly. He moved but there was nothing.

Nothing.

There was nothing he could do, nothing he could do to change it. Jinyoung felt his heart shattering, his confidence shattering. Everything within him shattered and splintered apart. Getting Jaebeom back was supposed to make everything better but it made nothing better. Days had become long winding things that had walked Jinyoung backwards. He couldn’t breathe on his own, he was too messed up to do it alone. Successes and failures both existed but the failures hurt the most.

Jaebeom's silence spoke volumes. He didn't want Jinyoung there anymore so he would give Jinyoung nothing. He wouldn't say he loved him, he wouldn't speak to him. He might as well have said he hated him, because that was what it felt like and looked like. That was what Jinyoung felt that burned him, like he’d just touched an open flame when he’d touched Jaebeom then.

Jinyoung slipped down to his knees on the floor as he focused on breathing. He didn’t want to fall apart in front of the person he had been trying so hard to be strong for. Jinyoung wasn’t strong, and he was terrified of everyone seeing that. Maybe Jaebeom saw it and that was why Jaebeom didn’t want him anymore. The ache was tearing him apart. Because it wasn't Jaebeom in the room with him, Jaebeom wouldn't ever hurt him the way this man was hurting him. Jinyoung was scared to admit to himself that his Jaebeom hadn't come home, he died in the Capitol.

Yang killed him. Yang locked Jaebeom away and destroyed him. Maybe that was why Yang had let them get away, after everything. Because Yang knew that a broken Jaebeom would destroy Jinyoung faster than anything else Yang could throw at him.

Jinyoung had always believed there was hope before but that hope was being destroyed. It wasn’t Jaebeom with him. Jaebeom _loved_ him, Jaebeom wouldn't hurt him. Jaebeom would pick him back up off the floor and would bring him close, and comfort him. Jaebeom’s embrace had been his fortress, his shield from the dark thoughts in his mind. Jaebeom would have never chosen to become Jinyoung’s worst nightmare, or biggest fear. Because Jaebeom had loved him. The person with him wasn't his Jaebeom.

And that was something that burned in him too hot, it hurt, something he realized he couldn't break through. Successes and failures. This one hurt the worst. He’d lost Jaebeom in the arena when he hadn’t held on tight enough and he’d slipped away. N 

They'd gotten him back, or so Jinyoung had thought. They had gone a day early and risked everything and Mark had gotten hurt badly. They had done all they could but they didn't make it in time. Jaebeom was already lost, already _gone_. Already destroyed by all of the things Yang did to twist him apart.

Jinyoung didn’t want the reality he was living in. He didn’t want a life without Jaebeom.

"I love you," Jinyoung cried, "I love you.” He cried on his knees at the bedside of what remained of the man he loved so deeply.

"I love you," at the third he couldn't breathe.

"I lost you..." he whispered. The home they once had in eachothers arms was gone. Those days they’d shared, slowly falling together, they were long gone. 

His tears fell to the floor, his heart shattered completely. He was so tired of fighting. Maybe he was at his breaking point. Maybe all he could do was give up. Maybe he would have to give up on pushing for more from someone long gone. Because his heart couldn't take it anymore, it couldn't just keep beating and enduring.

He didn't want to keep trying for nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing but tears falling to the ground. He was a shell himself who couldn’t stand on his own. How could he ever expect Jaebeom to continue to love him? What had he hoped to gain? Jaebeom pushed him away without even knowing the truth of how messed up Jinyoung truly was. If he knew… It all made no difference. There was no reaching him. 

Jinyoung took a shaky breath, trying to stay the tears. He had to stop.

He got up from the ground and walked out of the hospital room. The air around him was cold. He pulled his arms in as he walked to protect himself from it. He kept his head down, he didn’t want to look anyone in the eye as he walked out. He wiped the tears from his eyes as he walked back towards his unit, his body and mind functioning only on autopilot. He knew there were cameras on him, on the walls and in corners tracking his every movement. He always knew. 

His life was an arena with all eyes on him. He was used to it. Jinyoung reached his unit and climbed into his bed. He laid down against the soft mattress and pulled his blankets around himself. He sobbed as he laid there, not seeking any form of relief. He just let himself cry because that was all he could do. He cried alone until tears didn’t come. 

He waited there until he couldn’t cry and until his tears dried. His broken heart left him numb. He was tired of being there, in District 13, he wanted out. He needed to get out so badly.

Jinyoung sat up from where he laid and leaned against the wall. The room spinning around him as he took a breath and made a choice. His throat felt dry as he swallowed and he waited carefully, his body numbed down to nothing. His emotions sedated as he looked at the clock. He watched it moving and waited till he knew the council would be meeting. He knew their time’s well and he stood up from the unit. He walked out the door and down the halls once again this time his head held high. Jinyoung walked the familiar route through 13, counting the cameras again as he took each step.

He stopped in front of the door, knowing exactly what game he was playing. He knew the pressure was off him as long as everyone thought he was dead but he didn’t want that. The war had become a drug to him, fighting had become a way to distract himself. He needed his fix. Jinyoung opened the door to the council room and walked in and took a seat before anyone could say anything.

"Jinyoung you weren't summoned," President Chae was the first one to call out that he didn’t belong there.

"I don't care," Jinyoung responded, "I've recovered and I am done sitting around waiting for you to make up your mind." He was aware he was interrupting whatever proceedings she had but he didn’t have a high opinion of the council. President Chae was the one who made all the decisions. She was the one he wanted to talk to.

"Jinyoung, now is not the time. We don’t need a demanding child interrupting us to tell us what to do," President Chae said, "we are making decisions that matter for the future of this nation, please leave. Should we have a need for you we will summon you.” Jinyoung wasn’t in the mood to be dismissed, he was tired, he wasn’t going anywhere until she gave him what he wanted.

"You don't want the opinion of a child?" Jinyoung echoed, “if that’s all you see me as then accept this. You wanted to use a child one for your own gain, your own purposes. The truth is you're not much better than Yang, you manipulated me over and and over again." 

"I wouldn't call it manipulation," Chae argued, "I gave you what you wanted in exchange for help. We are here to help the nation and all the people risking their lives to fight for freedom, you don't seem to care about that." He knew he’d struck a nerve by her response, and he was going to keep pushing.

"I care about it and that’s why I am here,” Jinyoung responded, "I care about this game Yang has played for too long, and I care about ending it. He hurt too many people I loved. I won't sit back and watch him hurt more. I am done sitting around and waiting. Put me back in the field." He belonged in the fight, he had too much on the line to lose. Panem had spent weeks trying to lay siege to the Capitol and it was going nowhere. Chae was trying to act like the war effort could work without Jinyoung but he knew it couldn’t. He was the revolution, without him they were at a standstill.

“That is Impossible," she responded, “everyone thinks you’re dead.”

"You don't get to say that," he argued, "you wanted everyone to think I am dead and for this revolution to be moving forward without me. But you haven't made any progress in the Capitol, have you? They people need me still, they need a symbol, they need their phoenix. You can’t throw me away and expect things to work out when you built this revolution on me.”

She looked angry, that irritated expression in her eyes he managed to glimpse on occasion was there. It was dark and it was fixed on him but she couldn’t hurt him. He’d already been ripped apart, there was nothing he really could lose that would hurt him as badly as what he’d just experienced.

"He might have a point," one of the councilmen said, "things haven't moved forward in the assault. Morale is low and one of the districts had to pull their people out because things took a turn for the worse."

"What?" Jinyoung asked, he had been told nothing about what was going on. They'd kept it from him as part of Chae’s plan to push Jinyoung out of the fight.

"District 3 was apparently partially retaken by the Capitol," President Chae said, "it has caused a split in our forces and things in the Capitol have repeatedly gotten worse. President Yang has used his gamemakers to set up gruesome traps around the city. Things are difficult. Wooyoung has informed us that the reason the Capitol moved quickly on district 3 was due to several experimental weapons. They wanted to use those weapons against our forces and have gained control of them. After district 2 fell we thought we could easily take the fight to the Capitol. We didn’t see this coming.” She was at least admitting what was happening with the war.

"Then send me to district 3," Jinyoung responded. He could rally what troops were there and press against the Capitol forces. They could retake the district and secure the weapons. He was sure once the people saw him that everything would fall into place.

"He could do well," a councilwoman said, “maybe sending him is the right play.”

"We have plans already on how our troops will retake District 3,” Chae responded with a frustrated tone, "it won't be necessary to have Jinyoung go." Jinyoung was sure that their plans were good ones but he knew his own importance.

"I think you have always severely underestimated the true level of his impact," JYP replied before Jinyoung could speak for himself, "an appearance from him easily will tip the scales in our favor. It’s not even a question if it will, it will. You took him off the board too early.” Jinyoung was surprised to hear JYP phrasing it that way. As if the choices made after District 2 were entirely on Chae. As if Jinyoung was just a chess piece to them.

"We could shoot a promo here but I am not Yang," she replied, "and I don't want to be like Yang, I am not putting these children in the field anymore. Jinyoung could have been killed in District 2, I won't have children's blood on my hands." 

That was a bullshit excuse to try and continue to push him back and Jinyoung knew it. She could easily claim any footage they released was before his ‘death’ and the people wouldn’t buy it. For some reason she really wanted him out of the picture and that just made him want back in more.

"I am good to go back into the fight,” Jinyoung stated as he brushed her off, "and I don't need your approval, I am just here to tell you what I want to do and to give you an opportunity to have input. You're not the ruler over me, I make my own decisions."

"You would prefer we all be lawless than to work together?” she questioned him.

"It's not about laws," Jinyoung said, "you don't control the armies, the district leaders do. Most of your army is actually still here as well. I am not a citizen of your district, I can leave and join the people out there at any time. They would be glad to have me and they need the Phoenix now. But I am here because I would like your approval and Shonwu's team with me again.” That was the real reason he was asking the council. He knew Jin and Namjoon had landed, if he wanted to leave they would take him out. He needed Chae to agree to send his normal team, they were people he trusted and they were good soldiers.

“Fine, your wish will be granted,” she said, she leaned back, "but you will not leave today. Tomorrow we can have a craft ready." It was a deal he felt he had to take even though he would prefer to leave immediately. 

"I'll take it," he responded, "thank you, I won't disappoint you or the people."

"You never do," Chae said to him, “you are dismissed." He rolled his eyes, she was always like that but by now he was used to it.

He stood up and left the council room with a fresh victory. In a day of losses a single win was relief to the tension within him. It felt better to have a mission, a goal, a purpose. He would make sure the rebels retook District 3 then he would make a case to go to the front lines to be a part of the siege of the Capitol. There he would kill President Yang and end the war. That was his ultimate goal and he wouldn’t stop until he’d done it.

—————

Later in the day Jinyoung and Mark met up with their friends in the cafeteria. It was a huge step for Mark, with the doctors letting him longer and longer. It felt good to be able to integrate him back into their group of friends. Mark was very much still struggling but the fact he was willing to meet up with their friends in his wheelchair was a new step.

The people that were there were people Jinyoung felt like he hadn't seen in ages, yet the passage of time hadn’t felt quite so long. It was comfortable to sit among friends with Seokjin, Namjoon, Hoseok, Yoongi, Jimin, Taehyung, Yugyeom, Jackson, Mark, and Youngjae. Taehyung was so excited about them all being together since it had been so long.

Their conversations were all over the map with so many of them at a table together. The boys who had returned from the Capitol talked a bit about the war and the things they had witnessed. Jinyoung kept his eyes constantly on Mark to make sure he was comfortable with everything that was going on. Jinyoung could see Mark was putting up a front and he could see the pang of longing in his eyes when they talked about the war. Mark wanted to be a part of it, Jinyoung knew that. None of it was ever going to be easy. 

Throughout the dinner, Jinyoung also noticed Jin was watching him. Jin had always watched him and could always read what was going on with him. It was normal in a way that other people didn't understand. Jinyoung guessed that one of the things that Jin was thinking was that he wanted to ask about Jaebeom, but he held off. Jinyoung was glad he didn't ask, he didn't want to talk about it with the wounds so fresh, especially not in front of everyone.

Jinyoung thought he could maybe escape Jin’s questioning, but Jin chose to walk with him when he was taking Mark back to his room in the hospital. Jin was always really good at talking to people, which was good for engaging Mark in a positive conversation. Jinyoung was also becoming good at helping Mark into bed from the wheelchair. They were slowly getting used to the oddity of it and finding a way to push through it. 

"See you later, Mark," Jinyoung said, "remember if you need anything these guys will come get me." There was an arrangement with the doctors that part of Mark’s care was his friends. So if Mark needed help all he would have to do was ask.

"Yeah, but you're leaving tomorrow," Mark responded. Jinyoung had made sure to inform Mark where he was going and how long he expected to be gone. Jinyoung hoped like other battles in the past that it wouldn’t take too long for him to turn the tide.

"Youngjae and Yugyeom will still be here with you,” Jinyoung said, “I am sorry I have to go but this is something I've got to do, you know that." They couldn’t let anything they’d fought for be in vain. They had to push the Capitol back, they had to gain another victory. Winning the war wasn’t just an option, it was their only chance at survival.

"I wish I could go with you," Mark responded, and Jinyoung hugged him again. He wished he could have Mark with him, but he was glad his friend would be safe.

"I'll miss you out there," Jinyoung said, "but I am glad you'll be safe here." He spoke honestly. They were getting through it as best they could. 

Jinyoung walked back to his unit with Jin after leaving Mark. It was odd having them all back and knowing most everyone was going to ship out again together. At least they would be together.

"District 3 does need you," Jin spoke as they walked , "things have gone bad quickly." They had been walking slowly, Jinyoung wasn’t sure he was ready to immediately go back. He was sure with the lateness of the hour his father would be there. He wasn’t ready to deal with both Jin and his father at the same time.

"Did you get to speak with Chae?" Jinyoung asked him. He wasn’t sure if the other had come back to beg for aid or not.

"No," Jin replied, “we did meet with JYP though. We don't answer to Chae anymore now that Namjoon is a general. We only came back here to check on you and the others to make sure you were recovering well. We were planning to ship off to District 3 after stopping here though, so it works out that we all will be going together." That made sense to him.

"How are things at the Capitol, really?" Jinyoung asked, he was sure no one was being straight with him, "They haven’t told me much in all the time I’ve been back here. Chae wouldn’t respond to my request to meet with her so I just walked in earlier.”

"Of course they don't tell you things, Jinyoung,” Jin replied, "you're an inconvenience to Chae at this point." Jinyoung hadn't heard it put into words in that way before, but what Jin said fit perfectly. That was what it felt like when she was looking at him. Like he was an annoyance, someone she wished would disappear. It was an odd feeling, like the woman had become a game maker looking for a way to push him aside. It was part of the pressure he felt, he was not sure what he could trust and what to do with the situation.

"I am aware," he replied simply. There was no need to burden Jin with much more than that.

"Things in the Capitol are bad," Jin said, “Yang has ceded the outer part of the city but we can’t get past it. There are 'pods', as we call them, along every single route we have tried to go through. They are basically traps holding horrors that are even worse than what were in the games. It's the 76th Hunger Games out there and we walked right into it without being truly ready. The people are frightened and it’s led to them pull back in the fight. District 3 was working on a solution to help us navigate through the pods, but now their labs have mostly been taken over by Yang’s forces. Without a technological solution we can't take the Capitol, unless we get District 3 back the war is at a stalemate and Yang might start to press the advantage that we can’t get to him.”

The whole thing did sound dire. Jinyoung should have expected that after District 2’s loss that Yang would have something else up his sleeve. Yang had a twisted mind, Jinyoung was sure of that from what he’d witnessed in his short life. He had been hoping so much that the war would end quickly after 2 fell but it was likely Yang had deliberately given them 2 and the feeling of victory to lure them into a demoralizing trap. 

"Wait, so what weapons does District 3 have?" Jinyoung questioned after he realized he had been told they had devastating weapons that the Capitol would use the weapons against the rebel forces to push them back.

"The weapons are a secondary problem, the Capitol's pods are much worse," Jin responded, "the Capitol attacked and began to take District 3 because they were developing technology to map and identify pods. Without that technology we can't risk sending people into the city. It is true there are other things in District 3 that the Capitol might deploy against us, but we have documented information on most of it. So it wouldn’t be a surprise.” Jinyoung wondered why he wasn’t told the real reason they needed to take 3.

"So, we take back 3 and things will get moving on taking the Capitol again?” Jinyoung responded as he pieced it together.

"Yes, that’s the jist of it,” Jin said, "that is what we want to do, but District 3 wasn't attacked by just peacekeepers. They unleashed mutts on our defenses. They controlled their creations to drive us back. We don't know how they engineered them without any labs, but they did. It's a bloodbath there, our forces severely need backup.” Jinyoung felt bad that, while he was lying around crying over his own woes, things were going badly in the war. He was supposed to be part of it.

"Is there any way we could develop the technology for mapping the pods here?” Jinyoung asked. It seemed like a better idea to hide such an operation in a well defended place that Yang couldn’t reach, rather than keeping it in District 3.

"If we bring back enough of what they were working on yes we could,” Jin responded, "but I don't know that the people of District 3 will want to abandon their home entirely." 

Jinyoung wasn’t sure they would have to abandon it, just temporarily leave it for the duration of the war. The goal was to win the war and end the Capitol’s oppression of all of them. He hoped that meant they would be able to return to their homes when it was over.

"We wouldn’t be asking them to,” Jinyoung said, “we’d just be asking them to work in a safer place for a short time.” He didn’t think it was unreasonable. He’d been forced to abandon his home for his own safety after all.

"We can win the fight in 3,” Jin said, "especially with how many former victors are now getting involved. Chanyeol and Baekhyun are leading task forces there now, and we are joining tomorrow. And with you being on board with us I am sure the people will have a new energy to fight again.” Jinyoung was glad he could still help though he would have to tell everyone he wasn’t dead. That was sure to be interesting.

"Good," Jinyoung responded, "I want this to end, and I want to take Yang down as soon as we can.” He really wanted to be the one to do it, after everything he wanted to be the one to kill Yang. 

"Vengeance?" Jin questioned him.

"Don't I deserve that much?" Jinyoung felt defensive, he knew how people talked about those sorts of things. He knew how everyone would try to tell him it wasn’t the way. Whatever he decided to do, people always had objections to him. 

"All of us do," Jin responded, "but vengeance won't make that pain go away." 

Of course Jin would try to talk to him as if he was psychologically evaluating him. That was how Jin saw everything when it came to Jinyoung. Like Jinyoung was a project to him, something he was trying to fix. 

“I am under no delusion that it will,” Jinyoung replied, "the damage is already done. But that bastard needs to pay for what he’s done.”

"We've all been done wrong, Jinyoung, and we’ve all done wrong,” Jin responded, "every single victor knows the pain Yang can inflict. We know it well. The thing is, throughout the games, Yang didn't fully force us to do the things we did to each other. He set it up but we were the ones who chose to become killers when it all came down to it. Everyone except you…” Jinyoung shuddered thinking about the first games, and the second. The difference in not killing at all to the time he’d been forced to do it. 

“It was kill or be killed. This whole world is twisted," Jinyoung said, "Yang is the poison that drove us to it. Now the people are united and we are going to set ourselves free. There’s already blood on my hands, so I don’t think it matters if there’s more.” They were all in too deep, too far gone. 

"What is this about?" Jin asked him, "you're much angrier now." Of course Jin saw that, he was good at reading Jinyoung. Jinyoung didn't want to tell him any of what was going on and why he was so on edge.

"I have a right to be angry," Jinyoung said. He’d been fighting to survive his whole life, long before the Hunger Games. He’d struggled since his mother had died, but it was undeniable that the games had made his life miserable. The things he’d gone through just for winning without killing, it had left him so broken. He pretended most days that he was holding it together, but he was well aware he wasn’t. The others didn’t need to know that though, they just needed to keep believing his lies.

"Everyone has that right,” Jin replied, "but this is different, it's personal to you and I am worried you're going to get carried away with it.”

"Of course it’s personal, it was never going to be anything _but_ personal,” Jinyoung spoke through exasperation, "He ruined everything, Jin! It goes all the way back, the Capitol had medicines to cure my mom yet they wouldn't share them with the districts. My brother and I almost starved to death, then Youngjae was reaped when he was 12 years old. There was no other option but for me to volunteer, I got taken away to a game I never wanted to be a part of. Before that nothing was personal, now everything is. Now he watches my every move, I can’t do anything without it being filmed for the whole of Panem to see! Yang’s tried to take everything away from me slowly, he’s doing everything he can to destroy me. It’s completely personal.”

"Jaebeom," Jin said the name, quickly pinpointing the hurt and fuel Jinyoung was running on, "what is going on?"

Jaebeom really was the latest attempt at destroying Jinyoung. Yang had let them walk away with a hollow shell of the person Jinyoung knew because Yang wanted him hurting. And Jinyoung kept seeing Jaebeom’s eyes as Jaebeom told Jinyoung not to touch him. Jinyoung couldn’t erase the expression from his mind, the one Jaebeom had when he’d pushed Jinyoung away.

"Everything is wrong," Jinyoung said, "and I am not going to stay here and face that every single day without doing anything about it. Yang has to pay for what he's done." His fist clenched, all he felt was anger. He’d cried so much that there was nothing left but anger in him. 

He could scream, he could tear things apart if he wasn’t in control of himself. He saw the expression in Jin's eyes change, he saw a wariness and a fear. Jin grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the main hallway that they were walking in. Jinyoung was confused, he had never seen Jin act in such a determined way. He pulled Jinyoung back towards the ventilation system. Maybe intentionally right towards the place that Jinyoung had fallen apart. Jin shoved him a bit hard back towards one of the walls.

"Yang isn't the only one who wants you dead, Jinyoung,” Jin whispered sharply as they walked in. There were no cameras where they were, no one was listening in and the realization was like a breathing relief for Jinyoung. The place they were in was clean. "You can't keep your focus on him alone, your eyes have to be open to every threat around you!"

"I know that," Jinyoung said desperately, ”You think I wouldn't know that? It's been that way from the start, since the first games many people have wanted me dead. Zico, Ji-hyun, that guy from district 2, President Chae!" There were lots of people who likely saw his power over the people as a threat. He was sure many more district leaders hated him than loved him. Power was alluring to people and Jinyoung had a power he hadn’t asked for.

“Good, you’re aware that you can't play things stupid," Jin responded, "You can't let anything that is going on blind you or distract you!” Jinyoung rolled his eyes at Jin’s predictable concerns.

"You know, I am pretty sure General Song from district 6 wants me dead too," Jinyoung continued, "and I've seen the way other victors look at me. They're envious, hateful and ready to backstab me any chance they get. I know what it's like to constantly be on watch and to constantly be watched. There are cameras on me everywhere I go Jin, I’m not blind nor stupid.” Jinyoung had been learning to observe everything, trying to keep track of what was happening and trying to watch people’s reactions to him. He was paranoid already, he didn’t need Jin to tell him to be.

"I am sorry, I just don't want you to get hurt," Jin said sadly, "We've protected you as best we could, ever since JYP asked us to." That name made Jinyoung angrier.

"JYP left Jaebeom behind for Yang!” Jinyoung spoke with anger, "I still don't trust him either." He hated that man very much.

"Well, you really should," Jin declared.

"Just why should I?" he asked, if all positions he held his one on JYP wouldn’t change. He never forgot what it was like on the ship after the games when JYP had admitted he’d made the choice to leave Jaebeom behind himself. He’d told the others Jaebeom was dead and had lied about it. He knew though that getting angry at Jin though wasn't fair. Jin wasn't trying to argue with him. Still all Jinyoung had left was anger.

"Because JYP called us to come back to check on you," Jin said, "He sent word through a trusted source and told us our job wasn't finished. He cares about keeping you safe, Jinyoung. We all agreed to protect you and to keep protecting you until this is over. I’m sorry we didn't do a very good job of that in District 2."

"I'm fine," Jinyoung said. He had survived District 2 without needing their protection.

“Oh Jinyoung, you’re never fine when you say you are,” Jin responded, "and you could have died. That's on me and the rest of us who were supposed to be watching out for you." Jinyoung didn’t want them to take on the blame for what happened to him. He wanted to be in charge of his own choices. He wanted to rush into any and every situation in front of him without anything thinking they had a duty to control the outcome.

"I don't need you to protect me," Jinyoung said, he really felt like too many times people set out to protect him and that was what got them killed. Too many people had died or gotten hurt to protect him. He was still standing, but their deaths hurt so deeply. "This isn't about me," Jinyoung added.

"Yes it is, everything is,” Jin insisted, "because we allowed you to be used to start all this. We helped put you in this position. We sure as hell won't let you die to end it."

But maybe that was just it. Maybe the only way for it to end was what Chae wanted, for him to just die. Sure, people supposedly thought he was dead. But there were things that he knew were off in that video of him getting shot, and he was sure people noticed it as well. There was no blood, he was sure he could see himself still breathing on the ground. There were probably many whispers and a belief that he was coming back. It wasn't convincing because it wasn't real. People could see through lies. The sparks flew past their mark. Things had gotten bad again.

"I want people to stop dying to protect me," Jinyoung said with tears starting to well in his eyes, "I'm not worth it." 

That was what he really felt. That after all this, his life wasn't worth what they had poured into it. He couldn’t really do anything more but to be their puppet, and, when the war was over, he didn’t know what he would have left. He didn’t know who he was without the war. All he knew how to do when things were getting bad was to keep fighting, keep pushing. When he didn’t have that fueling him anymore he truly didn’t know what else he would become.

"How could you think that, Jinyoung?” Jin asked softly. Jin knew too much about Jinyoung’s tendency to self-destruct. Jinyoung was probably saying too much, making Jin more aware that Jinyoung was faking being okay. Jinyoung had been forced to become a good liar after all.

"It doesn't matter anymore," Jinyoung responded, he wouldn’t allow himself to cry again. He would shed no tears and feel nothing. This was about the things he needed to feel to finish the war and end Yang, "I've made my decision."

"So have we," Jin replied, "We're not going to stop our mission just because you want us to.” Jinyoung didn't agree with that. He believed they should respect his wishes and leave him be. But they would listen. He was sure he could eventually convince them to leave him.

"The truth is Jin, eventually everyone gives me what I want," Jinyoung responded, "Chae's discovered that and Yang will too, in the end." 

"What are you saying?" Jin asked him.

"I'm a liar, Jin," Jinyoung said, "You've all seen it. It hasn't changed. You think you know me, but I have always been defined by what people want from me, and that's no way to really live." That was the truth for everything he’d done. He’d lived up to their expectations. He’d become their phoenix and made himself into a legend so big that he had a long list of enemies who wanted him to die for it. 

"I never wanted to define you as anything," Jin argued back, but it was futile. Jinyoung wasn’t going to do it yet but could push him away easily. Jinyoung could get him to feel betrayed because Jinyoung really was a liar. Jinyoung was the one who broke their trust again and again. If he told Jin the truth too early, the full truth, then everyone else would get involved. He didn't need an intervention to happen before he’d finished what he set out to do.

They didn't know that, after he had worked so hard to get clean, he had gone back and gotten his fix. They didn't know that he controlled it by keeping it at a minimum, but he still had access to the drugs. He was very much a liar, that truth could easily drive them away or pull them in too close. He wouldn’t be able to breathe if they all came around him to try to take it away from him. He needed the drugs because he couldn’t keep it together without them. They were a treatment that worked, keeping him numb and with that numbness he was able to move forward. He had nothing else, and no Jaebeom to chase his nightmares away.

Things had gotten off when he was in the hospital because access wasn't easy. But, luckily for him, there was always a nurse or someone who could slip him something when he needed it. He was able to play it off if he got too tired, or fell in too far. Nothing had really gotten better for him, he had just gotten better at lying.

He had found ways to control himself to keep the illusion up that he had beaten his past. The truth was that the nightmares never stopped, they would never stop. Jinyoung had nothing else he could do to keep them away. It had become part of his identity, his existence of fighting a war he had never wanted. Still it was a war he had started. So it was one he had to end, and he was tired of everyone trying to control every decision he made. 

He was sure Chae knew that he was still very much falling into her trap, but it was part of the game. He had to convince her he was weak enough to destroy just like that. He had chosen weakness but he would turn it to strength. The reason he had gotten so far was that he was becoming better at playing the game than both Chae and Yang. He was becoming a master of manipulating and lying to those he loved. It was what he’d needed to do to win.

"Jinyoung, we want to help you," Jin tried to reach him with words but Jinyoung didn’t care.

"Then leave me alone," Jinyoung said, "I don't want everything else, I never asked for it." He turned towards the exit of the ventilation shaft and began to walk away.

"You don't mean that," Jin said, "and you'll see that soon enough yourself." 

He didn’t stop walking and he wouldn't, he was done with it. He didn't want to care about people anymore. He didn't want his heart broken when they either abandoned him and his lies, or when they died because of him. It was all because of him. He had started everything so he was going to be the one who would have to end it. He walked away, he was becoming very good at walking away. That's what he always did when things got too hard.

It was easier this way.

After all, if he had pushed Mark away maybe he would have never inserted himself into a mission that cost him so much more. Maybe if Jinyoung has pushed Jaebeom away Yang wouldn't have targeted them both. Yang's eyes were on Jinyoung from the moment he drove his sword into the ground, and Yang’s eyes saw all those around Jinyoung. He’d targeted everyone close to Jinyoung. If Jinyoung hadn't been selfish, it would have been just him and Yang. That was how it would be going forward, he would fight his way to destroy his enemy.

—————

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment, kudos and bookmark, thanks everyone.


	7. No Way Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung fights a war in District 3 while Jaebeom is left at home to work through his issues.

It was a moment he hadn’t expected to impact him so much. Standing alone holding onto the bar above his head, the feeling of flight, the hovercraft moving down towards the ground. He wanted to walk onto that battlefield alone. He wanted to walk a path that would lead him to absolve himself of starting the war. He wanted to lead it all to the end. He wanted to make sure it ended well.

The hovercraft landed, his heart pounded. He felt heaviness, weight of the war pushing down on top of him. He had been so sure he was ready to go back onto the battlefield, but as soldiers started to walk out. He hung back, his fist still holding onto the bar above his head. He closed his eyes for a moment to breathe. This was a moment where people would find out that he was alive, maybe Yang was also finding out Jinyoung was alive. He was revealing himself, and the place he would be, with the world watching him, was a lonely one.

He could see people with cameras walking out ahead, his arena transforming once again. The light was in his eyes as he finally let go and began to step onto the ramp. He didn’t look at the people immediately, he looked down to the ramp to watch each step he took till he reached the bottom. He looked up at the people with determination. He was dressed in his armor with his bow slung on his back. He clenched his fists tight and reminded himself to breathe as he walked forward.

There were murmurs rising up among the people in the crowd, people who had gathered to fight. He saw all eyes turning to him, watching him. His name was on their lips as he walked. He was their phoenix, and once again he’d survived the flames and risen from the ashes that had remained. The sea of people parted before him even as they watched him. His eyes spotted cameras in the crowd close and he paid them no mind. He already knew enough about what this would mean for the war efforts across the whole of the nation. The sight of him was strength and hope and life.

Jinyoung walked through the crowd as if he was entirely alone. Because, in a way, he was. The fight before him was one he’d chosen on his own and a path he walked all alone. The fight ahead was his own. Just as each person who joined the war had decided that it was theirs, he had decided it was his.

Jinyoung walked as the crowd parted looking ahead to where the leaders and generals were. Jinyoung stepped forward and stopped before them. They were going to be free. Jinyoung knew the people looked ragged and tired but the fight was not hopeless. They had everything they needed and, with Jinyoung there, they had hope.

“Why have you come this time?” One of the leaders asked, “to make show of this war?” 

He saw the suspicion, the confusion. Jinyoung was sure there were lots of whispers as to what had really happened to him. He was sure many of the things that had gone on made them wonder what his motives really were. He knew all the people of the districts had seen so much of his life since the first games, they likely felt they knew him.

“Yang's efforts to kill me have failed,” Jinyoung responded, “I have come back to see the tides turn in our favor, but this is not about the show. I pledge myself to this fight, to stand shoulder to shoulder with all of the people who will charge into that battlefield. I am not a puppet or prop, I am here to make them pay for making this place a battlefield once again. So that the children of this nation can live in peace. I will fight the enemy and if need be I will die for this cause.” He meant every word he said.

He heard rustling behind him, movement. His heart was pounding as he felt how many eyes were on him and how many more were watching through the lens of the camera. The noises got louder and Jinyoung turned around and what he saw took his breath away. 

The people, like the waves of the sea moving in succession, were kneeling down and bowing before him. Their heads went down low and it was shocking to him. Tears filled Jinyoung’s eyes as he didn’t fully understand why they would do such a thing for someone as small and broken as he was.

Jinyoung turned back to see the leaders and generals had moved down to their knees as well. He didn’t understand it, nor need something so grand, he was truly nobody. It made him feel the pressure and he wished they hadn’t done it but he was sure JYP would think it looked good on camera.

“We will follow you,” a female leader in the group said, “and we will fight for you.” 

Jinyoung’s heart pounded as it hit him hard and he understood what was happening, Chae’s fears about him were real. The people saw him not just as a victor or a savior but they were beginning to see him as a leader. They would follow him to end this war, he was the key to it. Chae saw him as a rival no matter what he wanted and, he realized in those moments, he really was one.

———

Youngmin walked through the halls of the underground base. It was cold down there, his bones felt cold and sometimes he wished that they could return to their home in District 12. He missed the sun and the ease of their days when Jinyoung had returned from the games. It was a tumultuous time, their whole lives had been.

Nothing had been perfect, even before Ji-ae had died they’d lived in constant fear. His wife's fears for Jinyoung were ones he couldn’t chase away. The boy was beautiful, precious and he looked so much like her. Youngmin knew the things she feared were likely to come true no matter how hard they’d wanted to protect him from the world.

There was nothing more they could do than to try to give him a good childhood despite knowing what the Capitol was capable of. Knowing their lives would always be full of hardship. He’d failed to protect Jinyoung and Youngjae when Ji-ae had died. It had hit too suddenly and hit too deep. The heaviness of what it meant had left him unable to breathe because he knew there was nothing he could do to reverse it all. He’d failed to save her.

He’d understood too much, knew too well what had been going on when Jinyoung had been getting closer and closer to Jaebeom. It had been easy for Youngmin to dislike the other boy, there were lots of rumors about him told in the town. What had worried Youngmin the most was the idea that Jinyoung was falling for Jaebeom while Jaebeom was just using him. Youngmin also knew firsthand what it was like to love then lose and how painful it was.

The present situation had changed rapidly and changed again. Youngmin had believed all he could do was watch over the boys and wait for them to sort it out but there were things that worried him. Jinyoung’s eyes looked drawn thin before his departure for District 3. There was a heaviness on him that made Youngmin suspicious that there were things going on he’d failed to fully prevent. He was walking to their unit curious about some things. He’d wondered about something for a while. 

Jinyoung’s psychosis was not simple, there was no easy cure for someone who’d been put under that pressure. Youngmin had determined that the way Jinyoung seemed to have it all together was an act, it had to be. But he was pulling it off so well that Youngmin had ignored it and tried to push away his worries to trust the boy. He’d seen how Jinyoung had broken down when their trust was broken and he wanted to prevent that from happening again. But, whenever Jinyoung was gone, Youngmin couldn’t help it; he’d search their unit and search it deep for any signs of the pills. Those drugs that were too easily handed to his son.

Youngmin arrived at the unit and began his search. His mind checking boxes as he opened wall panels and searched for any hidden crevices in which the bottles could go. He turned over the pillows and searched the cases. He was sure that if Jinyoung had them he was hiding them somewhere close. They’d left him alone too much and Youngmin knew the danger of doing so, but it had been a busy time. 

Youngmin sat down on the bed thinking through the problem before him. Jinyoung was sleeping heavy at night, he looked numb like he wasn’t all there at times. Youngmin knew the boy well enough to know when he was putting on a face, and he was doing it. But without evidence Youngmin didn’t dare accuse him again, because he was too afraid to damage Jinyoung’s mental state further if it wasn’t true. He hadn’t caught Jinyoung taking them, he hadn’t seen it happen like he had the initial time he caught the problem. Then the whole thing had been tipped off to him when he’d awoken to see Jinyoung with the bottle in the middle of the night. 

It had been easier to catch Jinyoung and to spot it before. It was more difficult this time to completely prove it because if Jinyoung was still doing it he was hiding it very well. Youngmin sighed as he sat there wondering what else he could do to help his son. He couldn’t bear his burdens for him and he couldn’t take them away as much as he wanted to. 

He knew any attempt to pull Jinyoung away from the war would likely lead to more harm. Jinyoung, no matter what he said, wanted to fight the war. War was how he distracted himself from his trauma. It was a drug all of its own, but one that would be impossible to wrench away from him.

Youngmin looked around the small unit wondering where else he could search. He didn’t have forever on his break from his work to continue the search. In the evening Youngjae would be in their unit and he didn’t want Youngjae to know he had suspicions about the boy's older brother. He moved the mattress as he continued his search. He looked under the sheets, and for any holes in the mattress and again over the pillows. When he had searched everything he could think he put the bed back together. He stood up and walked toward the exit and turned the lights out. 

There was nothing there for him to find, his hope was that Jinyoung really wasn’t on them and that if he was that he would be careless. Youngmin was torn; on one hand having no proof meant there was a chance Jinyoung wasn’t doing it again, but if he was on the drugs again Youngmin couldn’t stop him without proof. He wanted to trust Jinyoung, he so badly wanted to trust him, but the look in Jinyoung’s eyes... Everything was wrong. Jinyoung was trying so hard to hide how he was feeling and that worried Youngmin more than anything. 

Youngmin looked above as he walked by where the base opened up like a silo, showing the many floors deep it went. His eyes scanned up towards the top floors, where hours before hovercrafts had taken his son away once again. Watching it happen over and over made him wonder if he should follow and go out to the battlefield to see the horrors of war his son was facing. But he knew Jinyoung wouldn’t want that. Jinyoung didn’t need one more thing to worry about.

From where he walked he could see how many troops were still in the base. Sometimes he wondered what District 13 was contributing besides propaganda circling around his son. He was watching carefully, he knew exactly what Chae would seek to do to secure her own power. It was why the idea of Jinyoung still being on the drugs worried him so much. She would be relentless in her goals to destroy him. Youngmin never believed for a moment that she would keep Jinyoung off the field. She was fine with putting him in direct danger. 

He soon arrived at the back doors to the hospital and scanned in. Since starting work at District 13’s hospital, Youngmin had felt uneasy around doctors he was sure were complicit in a plot against his son. He accepted the role because it gave him a way to protect Jinyoung. It gave him a way to watch from the inside. Youngmin glanced towards the one area he hadn’t been allowed in as he stepped through the hospital halls. There was a large space designated for where pharmaceutics were kept. Only select nurses were allowed in, he wondered if he had been granted access if it would have given him a better view of just how much Chae was keeping hidden.

He wondered where 13 was even able to get so many therapeutics from. He’d searched for possible laboratories, but the place was huge. He’d been afraid of asking too many questions for fear of what sort of road that would lead down. He had access to a database of what the hospital had in stock and, unsurprisingly, the benzodiazepine that Jinyoung was given wasn’t on any of the inventory records. There was so much about the way the 13 operated that worried him, but he had to put it aside just for a bit.

He scanned his identification badge at one of the hospital's information terminals to review what his patients were doing and how things had gone in his brief absence. He was treating a young girl from District 10 who had been in a building that had been bombed. She was pulled out in bad shape and flown over. The information terminal listed that she was still in a coma. Another patient on his list was an older man in the district suffering from pneumonia. He was listed as sleeping. The third patient on his list was Lim Jaebeom, listed as actively in physical therapy.

Youngmin removed his badge and turned down towards the designated room. He needed to keep a closer eye on Jaebeom whenever Jinyoung was out. He was worried someone there would find it in their interests to use Jaebeom against Jinyoung. Youngmin wasn’t sure how to help the situation with Jaebeom given that his struggles were still so hard to gauge. 

Youngmin had read the psychological reports where Jaebeom had stated he was fine except for nightmares. He seemed self aware and talked when he was asked to and answered questions in analysis of himself. Youngmin remembered when Jinyoung had returned from the games, how Jaebeom took his approach to help Jinyoung. Jaebeom seemed to be very aware of himself psychologically, which made it difficult to figure out how to help him. 

Youngmin remembered how he had been aware of Jinyoung as well. He thought of the things Jinyoung had said in the games, about what had happened and what he’d nearly done. Jaebeom had been the one to save him. 

Youngmin walked to the door of Jaebeom’s hospital room and opened it. Inside, Jaebeom was standing and holding onto a bar that was set up for him. The therapist present was helping him take steps. The therapist was a man named Doctor Hwang from District 1. Youngmin didn’t trust Jaebeom with anyone from District 13 so he selected Ddoctors from those who had come in from other districts. The man was doing good work with Jaebeom, the case wasn’t too difficult. Jaebeom’s muscles just needed a bit of time to remember how to work. 

When they had first brought Jaebeom back from the Capital he had been in bad shape andbut it had been difficult to figure out the precise extent of damage. He had residuals of substances in his systems that made no sense to them at the onset. They’d put Jaebeom on life support to help his body detoxify at first as they had to work how to figure out to bring him back to a state of health. The Capitol had done things to him that made no sense to them. It had clearly been physical and psychological torture. 

He had advanced quickly in improvement once they’d come up with the right medications and treatment to best help his body heal. He was bouncing back quickly, though Youngmin still worried about his mental state. It was difficult to evaluate someone who was absolutely aware of their own issues. Jaebeom had been telling the psychologist the man’s own evaluations before the man had made them. 

It made Youngmin wonder if there was no way to break through and find how to help someone who had been so used to helping themself. Youngmin stood back and watched how Jaebeom struggled with moving not because his body wouldn’t allow him to move but because he didn’t trust it. Jaebeom trusted no one and nothing outside of himself. 

Youngmin’s brow furrowed as he thought of why that might be, what else had gone on. Jaebeom, for all his seeming maturity when dealing with tributes, the games, Jinyoung, it was all a facade. Through it all he was still a boy, a 21 year old boy playing hero when he was just as scared as any of the other kids when faced with the games again. 

He was a lost child, alone. He’d been completely alone when they’d moved into the victors village. No other victors around him and not a single member of his family left. How had Jaebeom survived those years? He’d done it alone, when confronted with trauma he did what he had to do, he faced it alone. 

Youngmin remembered Jaebeom’s parents, particularly Jaebeom’s father. He was a good man, one who frequented the village with his son. Youngmin remembered speaking to him and seeing Jaebeom as a boy, it wasn’t surprising to him that Jinyoung didn’t remember. He’d played with Jaebeom as a kid once before but they had been very small, there was no way for Jinyoung to recall such a thing. Youngmin had taken Jinyoung into town and had stopped at the same stall as Jaebeom’s father. They’d talked and their boys had run around together, fast friends but Youngmin never went out of his way to introduce them again.

At the time, Youngmin and Ji-ae had tried to stay as distant as they could from others. Things were uncertain and they weren’t sure how to navigate their life together raising small children. Ji-ae had spoken only of keeping Jinyoung safe. They hadn’t been sure how many people to allow close to them in a climate where death was such a part of life. Life in 12 had been a survival game for all, there was never a day that he’d lived without fear.

Jaebeom’s parents were different in a way, they seemed very open with others. They were loved in 12 and the district mourned with them when their son was taken. But no one saw much of them after Jaebeom had won. There were lots of rumors. Even more surprising was Jimin being reaped and dying. 

Rumors intensified when the couple was reported to have disappeared, rumors as to why became fantastical tales of what a monster Jaebeom was. The real reason was discovered to be less than fantastic, they had simply applied to moved districts and the Capitol had approved. Still, rumors of Jaebeom circulated that he was a psychopath and then followed rumors that he was trying to start a revolution.

When Youngmin had been trying to get him away from Jinyoung to protect Jinyoung, he’d failed to recognize the person he was pushing away as the only one really helping Jinyoung. Jaebeom was neither psychopath nor radical. He was just a traumatized child, forced to suffer for the entertainment of the Capitol. Torn apart, patched together by himself. It isn’t surprising he’d fallen for Jinyoung nor that Jinyoung had fallen for him. They shared things others couldn’t understand from the outside.

But Jinyoung alone couldn’t help him, Jaebeom wasn’t going to let anyone help him. Jaebeom was reverting to how he’d always made it, he was clawing himself back to strength and pushing back on anyone trying to get close. Youngmin was surprised at how obvious it was to see when finally connecting the history, the things that had passed.

He watched the therapist reach to help Jaebeom and Jaebeom recoiled away from the man. Jaebeom’s expression was cold, hardened to any and all outside help. Even if that help came from Jinyoung, no, _especially_ if that help came from Jinyoung. 

“Jaebeom, it’s okay,” the therapist said, “you are safe and you can do this. You're strong enough, you just need to step with me. It’s okay if you don’t want my assistance, just follow my movements.”—Jaebeom eyed the man warily—“Follow my movements,” the man instructed again and started to step, but Jaebeom didn’t follow. The man moved towards Jaebeom and Jaebeom stepped back away from him, holding onto the bar tight. Jaebeom glanced at Youngmin.

“Jaebeom,” the therapist called his name again, demanding his attention. Jaebeom's eyes looked back towards the man and then down, away from him. 

“I can do it by myself,” He said, his voice low and cold, rebuffing the therapist's gestures with words.

“Then do it,” The therapist said flatly. Youngmin was surprised as the man seemed to be losing his patience. He wondered how long they had spent just trying to get Jaebeom to walk forward. He’d done it before, it wasn’t like they were asking him to do something he hadn’t done before. 

He watched Jaebeom eye the therapist as he began to take steps while holding onto the bar and Youngmin knew before it happened that Jaebeom was going to fall. He wasn’t moving normally because he was nervous with the therapist standing at the other side of the bars. Jaebeom tripped over his own feet and caught himself by holding onto the bar before his arm gave out, but not because he couldn’t hold himself. He had let go and fallen to the ground.

“It’s okay,” the therapist said, “just get back up, you can do this. You're strong.” 

Jaebeom breathed out. He put his hands onto the ground, as if he was going to push to get back up, but he simply stared at the floor.

Youngmin watched, wondering what Jaebeom was going to do. He didn’t see Jaebeom being one to just stay down, that didn’t fit with how Youngmin was trying to understand him. Jaebeom _wanted_ to get up, but he wasn’t going to because the therapist had stepped closer to him.

“Do you need my help?” The therapist asked. Jaebeom looked tense, Youngmin had just been quietly observing but he was curious about something.

“Step back from him Dr. Hwang,” Youngmin said. The therapist looked up towards Youngmin but Youngmin kept his eyes on Jaebeom. 

“He needs a bit of assistance to stand,” Hwang said, “we usually do it this way.” 

Youngmin narrowed his eyes, he didn’t believe it. Jaebeom’s case wasn’t lack of physical capability, he could stand. 

“Just give him space,” Youngmin said, “I’ll take it from here.” He wasn’t an expert in physical therapy, but Jaebeom’s case wasn’t normal. Jaebeom needed someone willing to evaluate his physical state from the mental view. 

“I still have 25 minutes left with him,” Hwang said. Youngmin didn’t care how long he was scheduled, Jaebeom was mainly listed as Youngmin’s patient. He wouldn’t let anyone close he didn’t trust and it wasn’t that he didn’t trust Hwang. He just knew that Jaebeom needed a different approach.

“You can come back tomorrow,” Youngmin replied, “you have another scheduled time block then. I will take over for today and tell Dr. Lee that his block for today is cancelled.” Hwang looked at where Jaebeom was still positioned awkwardly on the ground, nodded, and walked away towards the door. He was understanding enough to listen. 

Youngmin didn’t approach where Jaebeom had fallen though he saw the boy take a quick glance at him. Instead, Youngmin hung back watching and waiting for Jaebeom to move on his own.

He knew the boy wasn’t just going to get up because the therapist had left. Jaebeom was likely hyper aware of Youngmin’s presence. Youngmin didn’t intend to make him forget he was there, but he wanted Jaebeom to make the choice to get up on his own. It was a point of evaluation, of seeing if his assumptions about the boy were correct. 

Jaebeom’s body became more relaxed without someone hovering over him. His hands were still against the ground and he slowly moved them closer to his body. Youngmin stood back far and waited. He wanted to see if the boy who had always fought alone would do it if given the chance to do it alone. Jaebeom put strength into his arms and pushed against the ground. His legs moved behind him and Youngmin watched as he pushed himself up in an unsteady way. He reached to grab for the bars and pulled himself to standing without assistance, just like Youngmin knew he could.

He breathed and looked towards the ground in front of him. He looked determined and he began to walk. He could do it, Youngmin knew he could do it. He was strong, he hadn’t been ripped apart in a way that would leave him unable to do it. Youngmin waited quietly as Jaebeom made it to the end of the little course and he didn’t stop. The boy let go of the bars and with extreme determination he walked beyond them. 

He was shaky, a bit unsteady but he willed himself to keep going and Youngmin wondered if that was exactly how this boy had always survived. By picking himself up and willing himself to keep going, a strength of will that left him unable to see and accept help from others. Jaebeom was a boy who would give help but he wouldn’t accept it. 

Jaebeom kept going but he didn’t make it to the wall. He tripped again and fell to the ground and caught himself. He breathed out in frustration and Youngmin saw a slight tremble to his body. 

“It’s okay,” Youngmin said softly, “you’re doing very well Jaebeom.” 

“Why are you here?” Jaebeom spoke a question. He looked tense and Youngmin wondered what was going on inside his head. 

“I am your doctor, you are my patient,” Youngmin replied, “I’m here to see how your treatment is going. Your recovery is going well, you know, you’re getting stronger quickly.” Jaebeom looked at him from where he was on the floor, his expression looked numb. 

“You don’t have to do this just because of Jinyoung,” Jaebeom replied, “you can have someone else take care of me.” 

Youngmin wasn’t surprised at the way Jaebeom thought. He wasn’t sure at first if being Jaebeom’s primary doctor was a good idea. He was sure the boy remembered how hostile he was towards him. It would be easy for Jaebeom to think that Jinyoung had put him up to it when Jinyoung hadn’t said anything at all. Jinyoung hadn’t been allowed in the hospital initially, that decision had been made by Youngmin. There were other doctors Youngmin would have trusted, ones that weren’t from District 13.

But he’d made the decision to care for Jaebeom because he wanted to make sure nothing was missed. He wanted to make up for what he’d done and he wanted to be personally involved in making sure Jaebeom got the best care possible. Jaebeom had saved Jinyoung, it was true but Jaebeom was also someone who deserved to be cared for in the best way possible. 

“I am not here because of Jinyoung,” Youngmin said and Jaebeom scoffed. He moved his head to look down at the ground. Of course that wasn’t something he’d easily believe.

“Where is Jinyoung?” Jaebeom asked next, his voice was quieter as the question came out. Youngmin was taken aback by it. He had been sure Jinyoung had told Jaebeom he was leaving, Jinyoung was in that room so often. There was no way Jinyoung left without telling Jaebeom where he was going and how long he expected to be away. Maybe Jaebeom was just asking because Jinyoung hadn’t given him any details of what he was doing.

“Jinyoung left this morning to District 3,” Youngmin said, “the war hit a standstill over some things the Capitol did. Jinyoung hopes to turn the tide again.” Jaebeom’s brow furrowed, his expression changed and the hardness fell off him. Underneath it was a scared boy, whose face said so much.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jaebeom said, and Youngmin saw him take a shaky breath as he turned himself on the ground and attempted to stand. There were tears in his eyes as he pulled himself up and stumbled to the bars. He caught himself against them and held himself up for a moment before willingly sinking to the ground. He looked overwhelmed by something, and Youngmin was sure Jaebeom didn’t want to be emotional in front of him.

“I should be here,” Youngmin contradicted him. He didn’t step forward to help Jaebeom, it was clear Jaebeom didn’t want help and he wouldn’t accept help. 

“No,” Jaebeom responded softly, “someone has to go with Jinyoung, someone has to be out there with him.” Jaebeom shifted and moved his body till he was hugging his legs close. There was always a haunted look in his eyes, since he’d returned. They could only imagine how things had been for him when he said nothing to them.

“He has people with him,” Youngmin took a moment to step forward more to check over the chart on the wall. There was a list of medications Jaebeom was on and he glanced over it to make sure he’d gotten everything he needed for that day. There was very little on the list, he was down to mainly needing vitamins to supplement the fact that they were underground. 

“Do you want me to help you get back in your bed?” Youngmin asked Jaebeom, the boy seemed content to sit on the floor. Jaebeom shook his head. “You seem cold.” Jaebeom was shaking and Youngmin wasn’t quite sure if it was emotion or temperature. Jaebeom said nothing so Youngmin moved to grab one of the blankets. He walked to Jaebeom and placed it around the boy's shoulders. He couldn’t just leave him that way as much as he was curious of how much Jaebeom would do for himself. Youngmin did care about making sure he was okay as he could be.

“You shouldn’t be here,” Jaebeom said again, his voice quieter, almost inaudible. Youngmin wondered why he kept saying that, like there was something else weighing on him that he didn’t want to say. Instead of standing and watching. Youngmin moved to sit on the ground across from him. 

“I am here Jaebeom,” Youngmin replied, “and I don’t really have plans of being anywhere else at the moment. What is bothering you?” Jaebeom looked at him, the way he was sitting and the expression on his face made him look so small. Where he’d been confident, strong and assured before the games, all of that had melted away. Maybe none of it had ever been real but armor worn for the boy beneath to protect himself.

Tears filled his eyes as Jaebeom seemed unwilling to speak for a long while. Youngmin had no problem waiting, he was sure he could see that Jaebeom was breaking. He’d speak when he was ready and not a moment sooner. They sat on the ground in that little hospital room watching each other as Youngmin waited.

“I hurt Jinyoung,” Jaebeom finally spoke three words softly. They weren’t the words Youngmin expected, he’d wanted to break more into how Jaebeom was feeling about himself. But he guessed it all was related to Jinyoung, somehow it would end up that way. The two boys were too much in each other’s orbits for it to be any other way. 

“I hurt him then he didn’t come back,” Jaebeom continued his voice sounding so unsure, “I thought that was what I wanted.” He huffed softly and didn’t speak again. But those words said so much in and of themselves and Youngmin understood them. He knew what it was like to retreat into himself, to push aside everyone and anything else because he’d believed he couldn’t be anything to them. He’d done it to Jinyoung when Jinyoung was just a child. He’d hurt the boy, his _son_ , he’d damaged their relationship when Jinyoung was small. He understood what Jaebeom was feeling.

“Jinyoung is coming back,” Youngmin said, “but that isn’t what really matters right now.” Jaebeom looked at him unsure. “I am not here to psychoanalyze you Jaebeom, nor to try to convince you of anything you need to do. I am here because I wanted you to know you’re not alone, you’ll never be alone again kid.” 

Jaebeom shivered and more tears fell down his face as he heard those words. Youngmin reached out a hand to touch Jaebeom’s arm where it was wrapped around himself so tightly. Every way Jaebeom moved, behaved and existed shouted out the years of pain he was carrying. It wasn’t just about what Yang had done to him, it was about being left behind over and over again.

Youngmin felt the emotion of the moment as tears filled his own eyes for the child in front of him. For realizing how much pain had fallen upon him and how no one had been there for him.

“You’ve lived years on your own,” Youngmin said softly, “years fighting your own battles, but it’s different now Jaebeom. Now you have people around you who will fight for you if you let them. Not just Jinyoung.” He felt it was important for Jaebeom to understand. The victors had all come together to rescue him, and that wasn’t just about Jinyoung. Jaebeom was their friend too. 

“I’m sorry we lost you,” Youngmin said, “but you weren’t left behind or abandoned this time. Everyone worked together to go back for you, to bring you home again, back to a family who loves you. A family who will never leave you. I want you to understand that.” He reached his hand to Jaebeom’s head to pat it gently against Jaebeom’s hair in reassurance. “You’re not alone anymore and you never will be. It’s not just Jinyoung either, all of the victors went back for you because they care about you. All of us here we care about you, I care about you. You’ve done so much for my boys, I just want you to know you’re not alone this time.” 

“I have wanted to apologize to you for a long time,” Youngmin shifted the subject as he saw how Jaebeom was crying. There were words that needed to be said, “I misjudged you and you saved my boy’s life. I am thankful Jaebeom, thankful that we have you in our lives and so thankful that we were able to bring you back again. I don’t know what it is they did to you, I don’t know the war that you're facing in your head, but I want you to know whatever you need we’ll be here. If you need us to give you time, you’ll have all the time you need.” 

He didn’t want to break down Jaebeom’s way of helping himself, Jaebeom’s way of moving forward. He knew Jaebeom was strong and that no matter what he would fight his way back from the things that happened to him. To Youngmin, this was about a first step of showing him it was okay to need help, and that help would be given. But it was also okay for him to figure it out alone if that was really what he needed.

“Now get up,” Youngmin said and he stood up, “you can do it. I know you can.” Jaebeom looked up at him and then back at the ground. Youngmin waited as Jaebeom was still, until Jaebeom decided to move on his own. Instead of reaching for the bars to support him Jaebeom reached for Youngmin’s hand. 

Youngmin took it and supported as Jaebeom moved to his feet. Youngmin helped Jaebeom walk back to his bed. His grip was strong, his movements were strong. Youngmin had no doubt it wouldn’t be much longer, and Jaebeom would be walking easily, running easily, moving strong once again. His physical recovery was going well, and Youngmin hoped with more support and time his mental recovery would also catch up. 

———

They took the whole day to plan the attack in all it’s details, Jinyoung successfully got himself in a good position at the front leading the charge while his other friends were not positioned in his group. The condition of his part of the fight was that Shonwu’s group would stay with him and he agreed to the arrangement. That would give the others peace of mind and that was all he wanted to give them. He didn’t want Jin or Jackson watching him so close in the fight ahead, he needed freedom to move without those who knew too much about his vices. 

The attack would take place right as the day began to dawn. The District 3 scientists that were safe with the army had rigged up devices that could be used to counteract the mutts the Capitol was using. The electronic remotes emitted bursts of high frequency sound waves which could overwhelm and nullify the mutts' senses. They had captured one of the mutts the weeks before and discovered that they used their artificially enhanced sense of hearing to 'see' and navigate the world. Impairing their hearing made them easy to ambush and kill. 

The plan was not without its weaknesses. The devices happened to be damaging to human hearing as well, so there was danger in using them. But without them there was no way to get past the mutts. How they got around the damage to themselves was with specially designed earplugs to protect their ears. They would be going in unable to hear. It was the only way if they wanted to carry out the attack immediately. They all knew it was important not to wait another day. The Capitol couldn’t be given any more time to move out their own plans. 

Once the plan was set they ate dinner together then all settled to sleep early. The day to come was going to be difficult. Jinyoung didn’t fall to sleep easily so he took a couple of his pills before laying back down next to a sleeping Jackson. He felt comfortable close to Jackson, and he hated sleeping alone. 

Jinyoung waited until the familiar numbness washed over him, it was a calm that was addicting. It filled in the holes of his psyche in a way he needed, he didn’t know how he was supposed to do anything but crave it. It was the only thing holding him together. Medicine that made the illness of his mind go away. He sank deep into it as if underwater and at peace, floating away. His sleep was strong and peaceful but in the morning he awoke easily. 

When he woke up Jackson was gone, already awakened and moving. Jinyoung got up quickly and prepared for the day. He donned his armor once again and looked in the mirror after he did. He looked tired but he felt his heart racing, anxiety pulsing through him. He wanted calm and ease to begin the fight. He took one more, just one. Enough to normalize himself, to take the fear away and when he was done he walked out to meet his group. 

The troops he would move with were waiting for him. He moved his bow to his hand. His quiver was armed with trick arrows ready for his use. Sometimes he thought people didn’t realize what a good asset he was in a fight. He could shoot very well, he rarely missed a target when he was ready to go. He felt ready, calm and ready for a fight. He lined up with his troops at the battle lines. He could see how many people watched him throughout the morning, as he prepared and as he stood to line up. Some of the people on his team were from District 1 and others were from District 4. 

When they were all lined up Shownu distributed the ear plugs to everyone and the sound wave controllers to the leaders. Jinyoung disliked the feeling of being unable to hear after he put them in but he would leave them in until told that it was safe to remove them. It all happened so fast, they were ready and they all began to move. Shownu and a general from District 1 led the group together. Their team would be approaching the base from the south.

Jinyoung wished they could speak to each other, he didn’t like the silence but that was not an option. The goal was to take out the mutts from all sides and close in on the peacekeepers in order to take control of the western labs that held the research and prototypes for what they needed. He noticed that Shownu and the other people with devices were beginning to switch them on. No one was to remove their ear plugs without a signal from every single person carrying the devices. The danger of walking away with damaged hearing was real.

Jinyoung's eyes watched carefully through each street they moved through. He was searching for mutts, his eyes were sharp, they always had been. It was part of what made him a good marksman; he had excellent eyesight and he could catch things others could not. He was used to searching rough landscapes for game that was hard to see. It was a trained skill he had honed to service. It unnerved him that they saw nothing even with how closely he was watching their surroundings with every turn on the streets of the district. He wondered if the frequency was scaring off the mutts and if they recognized the danger to themselves. With any other creature it would have been cruel to do such a thing, but these creatures were not from nature, they were never supposed to exist.

The silence was eerie and it made him nervous despite the drugs numbing down his emotions. The effect was strange and he didn’t like how he felt. It took them time, and they walked further and further in the city streets before Jinyoung finally saw them. 

They were very large mutts, they looked cat-like with intimidatingly long claws. They had no eyes and no teeth but their fur looked sharp and the size of them was frightening. They were hideous and Jinyoung would have been scared to face one on his own but, as things were, the mutts were clearly downed by the frequencies. They were all squirming on the ground in pain from the sound, the plan was working. Any anguished cries they may have been making were fully muted by Jinyoung's earplugs.

Jinyoung moved fast to put them out of their misery. He raised his bow and fired a shot at one. It went down easily. He finally heard some sounds come through his earplugs, it was the sounds of gunshots ringing through. His unit fired, taking out the mutts.

They moved together, killing each one of them. Jinyoung continued to fire his arrows as he moved with the group. They were moving easily, too easily. They hadn’t taken into account what would happen when they started firing. Their guns made loud noises and clearly gave away their position. Jinyoung didn’t hear it but he saw it hit the ground.

" _BOMB!_ " Jinyoung shouted as strong as he could, but he was not sure the others could hear him. 

They all scrambled to take cover but the bomb exploded before Jinyoung could move. Jinyoung was thrown forward hard from the impact of the blast. His body went numb in the air but everything was in pain when he hit the ground.

Tears filled his eyes at the shock of pain, but he didn't have time to think about it as he registered that one of his ear plugs had fallen out in the blast. The screeching sound hit his ear and tore through it, he cried out and screamed out as pain reverberated. Jinyoung put his finger in his ear and his arms around to barricade his ear. He laid in the ground writhing from the pain trying so hard to keep it covered from the sound.

"Jinyoung!" A voice he didn't know called his name loudly enough for him to hear it. His eyes were squeezed shut as he panted from the pain. He was so afraid to move and hurt his ear anymore than it already had been. But she called his name again and he looked up into the eyes of a woman he didn't know. She was the general who had stood with Shownu. She had something in her hand. She had his earplug. Jinyoung didn't want to take his hand away from his ear. He didn't want to let anything in, the pain hurt so much.

"Let me help you," he heard her shout loud above the silence. She moved her hand with the earplug nearer to his ear and he nodded and removed his hand. She moved fast to get his ear stopped up again. It was done fast, he rolled over onto his back in relief but his head hurt. He looked at his hand and panic filled him. There was blood on his hand from his ear, there was pain throughout his body from the blast. He was hurting, and the battle had only begun. He felt his chest clench.

But the woman who was still with him took his hand away from his sight. He watched, confused, as she took out a small medical kit and began to wipe the blood from his hand. She then began to check his body for other injuries. He didn't know whether there were any big ones, but the pain in his ear remained intense. 

He looked around for the team and saw some lying still, undoubtedly dead. Then he saw Shownu holding his device, the others who had them were gathering. Jinyoung hoped they would switch them off but he was scared. Scared of the damage that had already been done and scared if there were still mutts they hadn’t killed. The woman held his hand tight and he was sure she was telling him he was okay.

The 5 people with the devices made the hand gestures to signal that all of the sound waves were switched to off. They then began to remove their earplugs as did other people who remained after the bombs. Jinyoung noticed those who had been caught in the blast and he turned away.

He had been lucky not to have been one of those who hadn’t made it. The woman still held his hand as she finished cleaning it. Jinyoung moved his other hand to take the earplug out of his right ear, it felt fine. He could hear some of the soldiers talking. He reached for the left ear, it was throbbing in pain that went deep. He was frightened that he’d fucked it up, and he was scared for what was going to happen. He took out the ear plug out and the rush of air made it worse and his chest seized up as if he was about to panic.

"You're okay," the woman reached for him to reassure him, "you're going to be okay just listen to me, you can hear me." He looked at her and nodded, he could hear her. That was what was important. It hurt but he could hear her.

"Jinyoung!” Shownu called his name and ran over to him, "what happened?" 

"His ear plug fell out with the blast but I was able to get it back to him,” the woman said, "he's going to be fine, he'll be fine." She was reassuring him but it didn’t make Jinyoung feel better. He felt very off from the pain in his ear.

"We need to get him back to the encampment now," Shownu said. Despite his pain that wasn’t an outcome that he wanted, they couldn’t return to the camp just because he was hurt. They had an important part of the mission and he wanted to fight the entire way through.

"No, we can’t go back,” Jinyoung groaned, "I'm fine. It just hurts, I'm fine." Shownu looked at the woman because she clearly knew more medically than Jinyoung did. It made Jinyoung angry that those around him would ask others' opinions and not his own. He wanted Shownu to trust his word about himself. 

"The only problem is his ear,” She responded, “There’s no shrapnel from the bombs or any other issue.” He was relieved at that because he was sure he couldn’t get around being taken off if he was hurt worse.

"Shownu we have to finish the mission," Jinyoung said, "this is for everything we’ve been fighting for to mean something. We turn back now and there’ll be a gap in our battle lines, you know we can’t afford that.” They all knew the plan depended on all of them. They had to continue to fight their way through no matter what.

"I don't like taking you further in without knowing how bad it is," Shownu shook his head as fear flashed through his eyes, "no, we're not doing that." 

He didn’t understand why Shownu cared so much, he was just a soldier assigned to Jinyoung yet he acted like a bodyguard. Jinyoung sat up in frustration, he would ignore any pain in his body to continue forward no matter what Shownu said. 

His eyes searched his immediate surroundings and found where his bow had landed. Jinyoung then moved to stand up; he felt a bit of vertigo as he did but he ignored it. He was thrown pretty bad from that blast and he knew that, but he wasn’t unable to continue. Shownu grabbed his arm as if to steady him and Jinyoung shook it off. Jinyoung walked towards his bow and picked it up.

"My decision is final," Jinyoung turned to face Shownu to speak to him directly, "we're finishing this and I will be fine.” He was glad it was Shownu with him because he knew he could push Shownu into listening to him more than the others. That was why he’d worked to position himself on teams away from his friends. At any sign of trouble Namjoon, Jin or Jackson would have immediately pulled him off the field without allowing him to speak for himself. 

His ear did hurt badly, it was ringing in pain and his head was throbbing. It didn’t matter what pain he felt, Jinyoung knew they had to finish the fight before them, no matter what happened to them. That was what he’d pledged himself to do when he’d said he would fight with the people. He didn’t just want to be a figurehead or a king meant to be protected behind the battle lines of others. He wanted to charge in and win the war by more than just his words and propaganda formed around him.

"We're a key component of this mission," Jinyoung said, "we have to go for it. There are still enough of us to continue forward, so we move forward.” He knew Shownu couldn't argue with him, if it came down to it the men would mostly follow Jinyoung. He was stubborn and he knew his own power over the troops was undeniable. 

Shonwu nodded, and Jinyoung was glad he’d agreed. Jinyoung turned towards their route to continue forward and the others followed him. He glanced back again at the elder woman who had helped him, something about her seemed familiar but he hadn’t gotten her name. It was odd and he couldn't place why he felt like he’d seen her before.

They kept walking together through different avenues of the city. Jinyoung was glad his ears weren't silenced anymore, even if one was receiving sound in pain. He breathed and winced knowing that he had to be careful about showing how much pain he was in. He couldn't be concerned about anything else but what was in front of him, he had a mission to complete and a district to save. Jinyoung needed a win and he wanted to show Yang they weren’t going to go down easy.

Jinyoung felt a buzz of nerves in his veins, a craving underneath. He knew the people that were with him weren't appraised to anything about his drug use, but he knew he still couldn't reveal it to them. Though he wanted to take the medicine and let himself be numbed further he couldn’t do it. It was best to keep anyone from witnessing him taking anything. He had to keep pushing forward without it.

He could see that they were getting closer to the labs and there were no signs of peacekeepers or those who had launched the bomb. It was all very strange as he was sure they'd be caught in a firefight at any moment. It left him on edge as they gained ground without interruption. He wondered if it was possible the Capitol troops had left their defenses behind and relied completely on the mutts. But that made him wonder who had fired the bombs on his troops.

"This seems too easy," Shownu said, nearly echoing what Jinyoung was thinking.

"This was anything but easy," Jinyoung responded, the movement of his jaw hurt the side of his head. He needed to get through it. No matter what happened he would get through it.

Soon enough they made it to the lab that Jinyoung had been told held dangerous weapons. The weapons were so dangerous that the districts were worried about the Capitol getting them out of District 3. The troops had been able to surround the Capitol’s perimeter to prevent them from leaving. They’d shot down any hovercrafts they’d seen taking off as well. They did worry about what else was in the labs. The Capitol troops had access to all their research on how to map the pods in the Capitol itself. Their main key for getting into the Capitol and ending the war was in that building. 

Everything was right in front of him and he worried about all the times it had gone completely wrong. This time it could go wrong in an irreversible way or his luck would hold and they would walk away with everything they needed. This mission was one that could make or break the whole war. He felt ready to take it on.

“Should we go in?” Jinyoung asked for Shownu’s advice. He was inclined to just charge straight in and take out and troops they found. They didn’t know what numbers the Capitol had inside.

“I’m not sure if going in right away is the best option,” Shownu said, “for all we know this is a trap.” Shownu turned to one of his team members and nodded to him. The other guy broke off from the group and moved towards the building, likely to scout ahead.

Jinyoung leaned against a wall that was near him taking a moment to breathe deep. His hand moved to his ear, it was ringing and the pain was getting worse not better. He was at a loss of what to do but to ignore it. He wished he had some sort of painkiller with him to stop it so he could continue. He wondered if putting the earplug back in that ear would make it feel better.

“Jinyoung if you don’t feel okay you need to tell us,” the woman from earlier stepped up. She noticed too much and that made Jinyoung uncomfortable. He would rather not be questioned about how he was feeling.

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung responded, although reality was vertigo kept hitting him. His vision was being affected by the pain in his head. He just wished he could make it stop.

“I don’t like it at all,” Shownu looked him up and down and shook his head, “you’re staying close to me whether you want to or not.” He guessed that was fair but he couldn’t help the biting feeling he got from the idea of a district 13 solider trying to stay with him.

“Do you have a camera or something?” Jinyoung couldn’t stop himself from making the remark. He knew it was unfair, Shownu had always been kind to him even if he was Chae’s soldier, but he was angry. Jinyoung was a mess because of the mess District 13 had made of him. They persisted in always having him filmed everywhere he was going. He felt bitterness at what had happened in District 2, and how it should never have been shown to the nation.

"I left the camera behind," Shownu responded, his voice sounded sad, "there is no sense in telling Panem every move you're making." Jinyoung was confused by the sudden turn in the conversation and the look on Shownu’s face. He wondered if Shownu knew something.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Shownu's expression went blank and he turned back towards the building. He was a puzzle for Jinyoung to try to solve, a soldier under Chae yet the way he was talking seemed so strange.

"Nothing," Shonwu responded, “just know I am here to protect you, not to film you.” Jinyoung looked away, he didn't like it when people said they were around to protect him. He never liked it when people said that, there was no point in protecting him. He didn’t want people to feel they needed to die just to protect him. Jinyoung looked back at the woman who had helped him; he didn't know her name yet she knew his. Everyone knew his name.

"Are you from district one?" he asked her. Something about the ways he carried herself seemed different. He knew there were troops from District 1 in the unit he was in.

"I am," she responded. He judged her to be about the age his mother would have been if she hadn't died. She had softer features except her eyes which he was sure he had seen before. Maybe she had been related to one of the District 1 tributes who had died in the games he’d won. That thought was not comforting.

"I'm Jinyoung," he held out a hand to introduce himself. He wanted to at least take back ownership of his personhood. Even if she knew his name they’d never been introduced and he didn’t know her so it was unfair.

"Jae-eun," she responded with a fist name, he could have gauged if she was related to a victor if he’d heard her last name. "I am a general of District 1’s ground operations." She was a general yet she was following him in his unit. 

"Then why are you on this mission?" he questioned. Most of the generals stayed back and made plans. It seemed they were not the ones willing to run into the battlefield themselves.

"Because I need to do what I can do to make a difference in this war on every front,” she responded, "Yang has hurt my family egregiously. It’s time for us to bring justice to him.” That was something he was sure most people in the districts shared. A hatred for Yang and a will to fight to make him pay for what he had done to them. For the years darkness and pain.

"Well Yang is who I'm after. He has to pay for his crimes," Jinyoung said, she looked like she wanted to ask something but she closed her mouth and turned away. Maybe she’d wanted to share more of her story but Jinyoung knew too well their stories were not easy to share.

"Wonho," Shownu said the name of the soldier who had gone into the building and paced lightly as time started to feel longer. He was likely worried for his friend. Jinyoung slid down the wall to the ground and put his head in his hands. There was a definite voice in his head begging him to get out but he ignored it. Stronger was his will to go forward. 

It took awhile for Wonho to come back. Jinyoung kept his eyes on the building as they waited. When he saw the other boy he felt relief that he had returned. Jinyoung was sure Wonho was well trained in 13, probably one of their best scouts.

"There are peacekeepers inside on every floor," Wonho said when he approached them, "they set up traps but the others have made it close. Namjoon has troops on the other side going into the building and so does Jackson. That’s why there is no one over here, they’ve been preoccupied. Namjoon wants to stage an attack on all sides in one hour. I have a timer set to go in.” Jinyoung was glad to hear his friends' units had made it alone with them.

"What's the plan once that hour is up?” Shownu asked.

“The plan is for us to just go in guns blazing," Wonho replied, "They don’t have the numbers nor position to stand against us so we should be able to take them easily. Jackson said he is excited to blow them all up.” Jinyoung smirked.

"Of course he was," Jinyoung said. He knew well how Jackson could be. He could imagine Jackson’s tone of voice and what he’d said to Wonho.

"Did you tell them what happened?" Shownu asked. Jinyoung wasn’t sure what Shownu was referencing until Wonho responded.

“I did,” Wonho said, "Jackson and Jin both want Jinyoung off the field and said for you to have a couple troops take him to the medical outpost.” Jinyoung rolled his eyes. That was what he expected from the others and exactly why he didn’t want to be teamed with them.

"I want Jinyoung off the field too," Shonwu seemed tired and he glanced at Jinyoung as if knowing he wasn’t going to get what he wanted. When the generals leading the operation had bowed before Jinyoung, they had essentially given him the power to lead everything. He knew that and he used it to his advantage.

“What you and the others want is irrelevant," Jinyoung said, "I promise I'm fine." He didn't want them to know how scared he was starting to feel with the growing pain in his head. Jinyoung was sure if he didn't have the drugs in his system that he would be panicked and no good to everyone. The calming effect was still there despite his fight to not focus on his ear. He was worried about losing his hearing.

Jinyoung picked one of the ear plugs from his pocket and popped it in his left ear. He hoped if he closed it the pain would begin to subside, and it did dull it a bit. That was all he could do to make it better. He stood up from the ground to give his team more confidence that he was fine. He could see Shownu’s eyes watching him. 

“Can you fire an arrow through that window?” Shownu asked him. The older boy pointed to a high up window in the lab that was open. Jinyoung could see it so he was sure he could make it. He was aware the goal was to test if he was fine and if he failed they’d likely push harder to get him back to camp.

“Of course I can,” Jinyoung responded, this wasn’t like that time with the rescue mission where his system was completely off. He wasn’t suffering from drug withdrawal throwing his whole system of balance. He just had pain in his head. He was sure he could make the shot.

“Then do it,” Shownu said. Jinyoung turned towards it with determination, pulled his bow off his back and drew an arrow. He didn’t hesitate as he quickly aimed and fired the arrow. He was confident and assured in his abilities to make it without having to take forever to prove it. He smirked as the shot flew through the window with ease. Jinyoung turned to meet Shownu’s eyes as if daring him to keep pushing. 

“Enough boys,” Jae-eun said, “you don’t want to give away our position.” Jinyoung kept his gaze with Shownu waiting for the other man’s response.

“No we don’t,” Jinyoung agreed with her, “are we done?” Shownu turned away, obviously resigned to Jinyoung being there.

“We have time to figure out our entrance,” Shonwu said.

Shonwu and the others began to discuss it and Jinyoung watched the building thinking of the layout of the halls he’d seen. He was mapping his own way in his head based on the information they had given him. His unit would draw all the fire undoubtedly and he could slip in and hold the lab himself. He had everything he needed to fight his way with the arrows he was holding. So he would wait and bide his time to slip away.

When the group began to move in, Jinyoung stayed near the middle of the pack and away from Shownu’s eyes. He knew Shownu was intent on watching him. When the unit opened the door and began slipping through the halls he hung back even farther in the group. He was sure the men around him were confused but they wouldn’t question him. He saw Shownu glance back to where he was and felt that Shownu would be fine with him hanging back somewhat.

When the unit moved deeper in the opportunity came. Jinyoung slipped to the back and down a hall alone, unwatched and unbeknownst to the others. He moved quickly and slipped up a side stairway. Once he got up to the second floor he took off down the right side hallway as quietly as he could. Moved to get his bow ready with an arrow notched. He knew on his own he would have to move fast to fight. 

It wasn’t long before he saw peacekeepers, he fired an explosive arrow into a pack of them. The explosion rocked the building and threw them off their feet. Anyone who moved Jinyoung downed. A gunshot zipped by him but missed him. 

Jinyoung ran through as the explosion calmed and the peacekeepers were all down. He knew the noise would alert them to his presence but he was hoping they would dare to take him on. Another arrow was notched and ready to go. He took off up the next stairway he encountered, he would keep going up because the top floor had the lab.

He ran to the left of the next hallway and the moment he saw peacekeepers again and he fired again. The explosion was instant and Jinyoung kept running, moving fast to fire an arrow that shot a high voltage burst of electricity through some peacekeepers. Adrenaline ran through his veins as he felt himself coming alive with the sense of battle before him. He turned up another flight of stairs and took them without hesitation. 

There were two peacekeepers at the top of the stairs, waiting for him. He fired taking them both down with another electric shock, killing them instantly. He ran past them as they fell, into an empty hallway. He had to keep moving fast, he had two more stories to go. He was up the next flight of stairs quickly and no one could stand as he fired into another group of peacekeepers faster than they were prepared for him. Gunshots were fired blindly in his direction but he let off an arrow with a strong magnetic field that caught them and followed it with more arrows.

Even if a bullet did hit him it wouldn’t matter, as his suit was bulletproof, but he wasn’t going to let them do it. Each peacekeeper fell as Jinyoung breathed in relief and that floor was cleared. He felt so much emotion rushing through him, the chief of which was anger. He so badly wanted the Capitol to pay for everything they’d done and he didn’t have any problem killing anyone who fought for Yang.

Jinyoung turned to the next flight of stairs and rushed up it. This time, there were a lot more peacekeepers waiting for him on the other side of it. He ducked back into the stairwell and breathed as he heard gunshots fired. He angled an arrow with a magnetic field arrow and fired it. He followed it out and fired an explosive arrow followed by an electric shock. He ducked behind the stairwell again as they went off but he still heard more gunshots coming. He made another move, firing a magnetic field and rushing out to fire more electric shocks that radiated off the peacekeepers. More were coming and he quickly fired an explosive. 

Where it hit caused the building to shake, it nearly took Jinyoung off his feet. Pain reverberated through his head from his ear but he fired again, forcing himself forward to take out the remaining peacekeepers. A bullet bounced off the armor on his arm, but it still stung badly to be struck by one. The floor was cleared and he walked through it as fire and smoke began coming up along the walls. All of the peacekeepers were laid out on the ground, still. Jinyoung breathed deeply as he looked at the destruction he’d wrought.

He could see the lab door, he forced his eyes to it and walked towards it quickly. There he would find everything they needed to renew their fight against the Capitol. He walked quickly past the flames and breathed deep as he opened the door. Beyond it there were peacekeepers waiting for him and one fired. He jumped behind one of the lab tables and maneuvered himself to fire back with another magnetic pulse. He moved up and took one down with a single arrow before taking cover again. 

He couldn’t use too many trick arrows in there, he didn’t want to accidentally destroy something important. He had to be patient with the things he did but he couldn’t allow himself to be stopped. He moved around the tables in the room trying to get his arrows into the peacekeepers. He could see them trying to get closer to him as well. It was a tense struggle he was locked in as he worked to stay one step ahead of his enemies. He slowly fired, took cover and picked them off one by one.

When Jinyoung finally fired an arrow into the last peacekeeper remaining, he stumbled back to breathe. His head heart, his arms hurt, he felt exhaustion taking a toll after all he’d done to fight his way into that room. Jinyoung breathed deep as he finally took a moment to look around at the room, look at what was here. He was shocked.

The lab he was in was extensive, taking up the entire floor. There were tables of electronics, machines everywhere, but what was most disturbing was that there were tables of _people_. There were dead people, who looked like they had only been dead a few days, laying around on different tables and Jinyoung was horrified, struck dumb wondering what was happening. There were needles in their skin, their bodies were cut open, some looked sucked dry and it was frightening.

There were dead people in District 3's lab, but District 3 hadn’t been controlled by the Capitol for that long. His heart was pounding as he wondered in fear who had killed those people, the Capitol or the scientists who were supposed to be on their side. Why had they killed them? It brought so many questions to his mind as to what was happening.

"JINYOUNG!" He heard someone shout his name and he jumped slightly, but he turned to see it was Jackson. He knew that voice, he was just so shocked at being called especially with what he was witnessing. Jackson ran to him and threw his arms around Jinyoung quickly. Jinyoung grabbed his friend in return, glad for someone to hold on to even if just for a moment.

The others were following, Shonwu, Namjoon and Jin entered after Jackson. Some other people that were with them ran to some of the lab tables where there were electronics. Jinyoung determined that those people must have been from District 3. Jinyoung looked at them warily as they walked by the lab tables like there was nothing off in the room at all.

"Jinyoung, everyone was so worried!" Jackson said frantically. It didn't matter what calming drugs were in his system, he was on the edge of panic as he watched the scientists move unfazed.

“Why in the world did you run off without us!?” Shownu shouted, his expression exasperated.

Ignoring him, Jinyoung glanced to where Jin was standing quietly and saw his expression was worried. He looked at Jinyoung then back at the room, clearly queuing in on what Jinyoung was reacting to. One of the scientists walked closer to where Jinyoung was and began opening drawers in one of the desks. Jackson let him go. Jinyoung was shaking.

"What happened here?" Jinyoung asked the scientist, "what did you do to them?" He was terrified at what he was witnessing, he didn’t know how to process it or what to think. 

"Jinyoung, stop," Shonwu stepped forward and grabbed his arm as if he wanted to pull Jinyoung back away from the man. The others didn’t seem to be as shocked as he was at what was in the lab surrounding them. Jinyoung pulled his arm from Shownu’s grip and shook his head at the other man.

"What did they do?" Jinyoung asked again, his eyes turned back to the bodies. The lifeless bodies that were being torn apart, it looked sick and twisted. He didn’t understand how everyone else was so calm.

"They were the peacekeepers in our district who enforced the Capitol’s captivity of us,” one of the scientists spoke up vindictively, “we did what we had to and they got what was coming to them!" 

Jinyoung couldn't believe what he heard the man saying. He knew what it was like to feel justified in taking life, they were at war, but this was something completely different.

"Jinyoung, stay calm," Jin walked over to him, also as if he wanted to pull Jinyoung away from the scene. Jinyoung stepped away from him and the rest of them. He didn’t want to be babied, he wanted answers.

“Why should I stay calm? Are you not seeing this,” Jinyoung expressed, "we're on the _right_ side, we don't do this. This isn’t who we are!” There was nothing to be calm about, what was in front of him was alarming. He believed that the districts would fight the war in a way that was better than the Capitol, but seeing them using peacekeepers in experiments was shocking, horrifying. 

"What is all this?" Namjoon asked the scientists instead of imploring Jinyoung to calm down. Namjoon moved closer to one of the bodies to really see it for himself.

"We rounded them up when we took our district. We use them as test subjects," a scientist said, “it seems the best way to handle things. They would have died anyways.”

Jinyoung thought of the rooms the Capitol had made in the tribute center, the thing’s they’d seen when they’d gone to rescue Jaebeom. The kind of torture Jaebeom had likely endured. The two things seemed very comparable to him and it scared him. If the Districts were justifying such things what was the difference between them and the Capitol?

"Test subjects for what?" Namjoon asked. He looked closer at one of the bodies. Jinyoung felt sick, he didn’t understand how Namjoon could examine it so closely. Jinyoung's heart was pounding as he looked at them again, their skin was colored orange. Their bodies had been torn apart and it was frightening.

“We used them to test experimental gasses and poisons," the scientist continued, “chemical weapons. We want to be ready to hit the Capitol back with a taste of their own medicine after all the suffering they’ve caused us.” It was easily justified to them.

"We needed to study the effects of the gasses on the human body," another scientist said, "how much it would take to hurt someone for life, and how much it would take to fully kill them. We discovered quite a lot in our experiments.”

"Who allowed you to do this," Jinyoung demanded, he was unable to keep his cool and control his emotions, " _WHO DID THIS!?_ " 

Someone had to have ordered it. Someone had to have been behind it or the peacekeepers would have just been executed not experimented on so cruelly. All the scientists began to glance at each other yet none of them spoke nor answered him. He realized they weren’t going to give him an answer of who ordered it, that was likely a secret that was meant to be kept completely silent.

"How could you do this?" Jinyoung put his hand against his forehead in frustration, he shook his head, “these were people, not animals! You had no right to do this!” 

"Prisoners of war should be given fair treatment and trial,” Namjoon backed him up, "we are not Yang nor his game-makers and crossing these lines does not help our cause. Give us the names of all who were behind this now." 

Namjoon was charismatic, a leader but even with his inquisition they were silent. They exchanged glances and Jinyoung wondered if they were protecting each other or something bigger that was beyond all of them. 

Jinyoung shook his head in anger, as their silence was a loud sound that screamed at him they wouldn’t say a word. All this was being allowed to happen and they wouldn’t even be told who was behind it. He was angry, the things he’d been forced to endure in the war were piling up and Jinyoung had no patience. Jinyoung took quick strides towards the scientist before anyone could stop him. He grabbed the man by his shirt and pulled him forward.

"WHO DID THIS?" Jinyoung shouted in his face, “you tell us _right now_ , who would authorize something like this?!” 

Jinyoung was shocked as the whole mood of the room shifted and guns were suddenly drawn. He looked up past the man and saw the district 3 members had their guns drawn towards him.

In seconds it seemed the whole room was in disarray and the atmosphere was a live wire about to snap. District 3’s guns were on him and the others had their guns trained on those in District 3. They were on each other as everyone looked at each other with blame over the mess they were in. Jinyoung was surprised how they could go from being on the same side to seeing each other as enemies so quickly.

“Back off from him," one of the scientists said lowly and Jinyoung let go of the man he was holding on to. The man quickly moved away from him and Jinyoung eyed them seeing how many guns were pointed at him. His heart pounded, he knew they knew his armor was bulletproof. If they wanted to kill him they knew where to aim.

“Put your guns down,” Jinyoung said, “there is no reason for us to fight each other like this.” He hadn’t expected the atmosphere to shift so quickly.

“You pretend you’re better than us, that you're sitting up on a moral high ground because the people gave you a pedestal to stand on. We’ve seen who you really are Park Jinyoung, there are bodies of peacekeepers out there that you killed. You had no remorse killing the lot of them without mercy,” One of the district 3 members spoke with anger, "you're really no different than us."

His heart started pounding with the panic of the accusation. Were they right about him? Was he any different? Was he really after how easily he could take the lives of so many peacekeepers and feel nothing? He’d been so angry he’d rushed right through them without a thought for their lives, their motivations, their personhood. He didn’t know how to stand in defiance of those words when they hit him so hard. 

"Jinyoung!" Shonwu shouted for him, "get back." Jinyoung glanced at the others unsure if he could move without starting a firefight.

"No one moves," the District 3 general said, "not until everyone puts their guns down together.” Jinyoung was shocked he would give such an ultimatum. The District 3 group had drawn first, yet they expected his friends to put their guns down.

“You need to think carefully. You’re pointing a gun at Park Jinyoung, the Districts bow to him,” Namjoon spoke up fast, "this isn't a fight we should be having. You want to kill Park Jinyoung and those who defend him? You'll invite the wrath of every other district upon your head!" 

Jinyoung didn’t know what to do, for so long they’d used his name to protect him but the way the District 3 general looked… he looked like he had no regard for Jinyoung’s life and place in the war.

"He's not invincible like people say," the District 3 general said, "and the war needs us more than it needs him.” Jinyoung saw the man believed that and that belief was dangerous to Jinyoung’s life.

"Put your weapons down," Jin said, "all of you. We are not enemies here and we don't have to be!" 

Jinyoung backed away slowly, carefully. It was best to play things off and to try and diffuse the situation. He had to keep his cool even if his body reverberated with panic and anger.

"You drop yours first!" the general shouted at them. 

Jinyoung saw Jin lower his gun but no one else did. Jackson practically looked like a lion ready to attack any of them. Jinyoung rarely saw Jackson angry.

"You pledged to follow him," Namjoon nodded towards Jinyoung, "you were one of the first to bow and declare that you were loyal to Jinyoung. You’re really walking back on your word now?” Jinyoung did remember the man being there, but they had no way of knowing if he bowed just cause everyone else did. It was likely some of the people who had didn’t mean it at all.

"We have it on film," Jackson stated. 

"You're a bunch of cowards," Jinyoung said, he couldn't hold it in no matter how much he tried to stay calm. He was afraid, and when he was afraid it was easiest to throw anger at them than to let fear overwhelm him. Jinyoung didn’t expect what the general's response was. A shot was fired towards Jinyoung but he hit Jinyoung’s arm. It bounced off and Jinyoung quickly jumped behind one of the lab tables. More shots were fired towards where Jinyoung was as he was down and he covered his head.

The unsteady situation was interrupted with those shots. Namjoon's gun went off and the general fell backwards, Jinyoung saw it happen even from where he was crouched. The others in District 3 dropped their weapons in response. Jin rushed to Jinyoung’s side and was on the ground beside him quickly, reaching for him to help him back up. Jinyoung accepted Jin’s help, he was shaking from fear.

"Get the stuff we need," Namjoon told those that were with him, "You have a few minutes, we have to go quickly.” 

“It’s okay Jinyoung,” Jin said to him as he helped Jinyoung up. 

Jinyoung clung to Jin, he felt shaken up by what had happened. Jinyoung nodded and breathed deep. He noticed Jae-eun from District 1 had arrived in the room at some point and she was watching Jinyoung’s every move. Jinyoung leaned slightly against Jin, accepting support, seeking it. Jin led him out to the hallway away from the flayed bodies and the sight of what was in the lab. He didn't want to see it any longer, he went willingly with Jin.

"Jinyoung," Jin spoke to him once they got into the hall, Jin reached a hand up to Jinyoung’s ear, "they told me what happened, are you okay?"

Jinyoung shook his head that he wasn’t, the panic began to take him and he couldn’t stop it as his breathing began to increase. It came in short spurts, his chest moving fast as he struggled to process what had happened to him and what was happening. His ear was definitely hurt badly, the pain was radiating through his head still. He’d barely been holding himself together. He’d had to fight his way up the building only to find what he’d found and it terrified him.

Maybe he should have followed Chae's orders and stayed home. Things would have been okay if he’d stayed away from the fight, he wouldn’t have had to witness those things. He reached and clung to Jin as his chest was tight, like it was being crushed. He needed more drugs, but he couldn't take them out in the open in front of Jin. He would have to wait it out and try to steady himself without them.

"Jin I can't..." Jinyoung gasped out as he broke down, tears poured from his eyes and Jin pulled him closer. Jinyoung was exceedingly glad there were no cameras around filming him as he was falling about. He could hide from them, cry away from them. Jin held onto him, embracing him close.

"It's okay," Jin said the words that were always said to him, "it's all okay now." 

People always reassured him but those words were meaningless. They didn’t change anything or make it better. Nothing was okay, he wasn’t okay. Everything was a mess and it seemed there was nothing that Jinyoung could do to make any of it better.

"No it's not— it’s _not_ ,” Jinyoung said frantically between breaths, "nothing's okay— Look what they did, it’s like what Yang did to Jaebeom—“ He was overwhelmed. It hurt so much, seeing people as lab subjects on tables, treated less than human. It made him wonder what had been done to Jaebeom, those things the elder wouldn’t tell him. There were things Jaebeom was keeping inside himself that Jinyoung could only imagine after what he’d seen in the tribute center. 

"I know," Jin said softly, “I know Jinyoung and I'm sorry. I’m sorry all this happened. But it's all going to be okay now. He's back, you got him out of there.” Jin latched on to what Jinyoung had said about Jaebeom. He knew that Jin had been waiting for some sort of breakdown on the subject of Jaebeom. Jin knew nothing was alright.

"No, it's not going to be okay," Jinyoung cried, "it's not." He argued back against Jin, because nothing was ever okay. They were never going to get through the things that had happened to them. Jinyoung didn’t feel like there was any escape.

"Jinyoung-ah talk to me," Jin said, pulling back to look at his face, "you can tell me everything, anything.” 

Jinyoung knew he could, he could always rely on Jin. But he didn’t want to, he didn't want help. He wanted to fight alone where no one else would be hurt. But he needed to let out the things he was feeling, they were bursting inside of him. Burning inside his chest, making it difficult to breathe.

"Jaebeom's alive," Jinyoung repeated what mattered, “he’s alive but he's not Jaebeom." Jinyoung let the tears fall from his eyes as he shook his head against Jin. “He's not _my_ Jaebeom, he won't talk to me... He doesn't love me..." His voice broke, like his heart was broken. He couldn't believe what was happening to him, that everything was coming at him all at once in the middle of a war zone. It hurt so bad and he couldn’t contain that pain within himself forever.

"He told you he doesn't love you anymore?" Jin asked, Jinyoung shook his head. Jaebeom hadn’t said that exactly but he might as well have with how he was acting. Jaebeom had thrown Jinyoung's attempt to touch him in his face. He’d ignored Jinyoung’s words and let Jinyoung cry saying he loved Jaebeom over and over only for Jaebeom to ignore him.

"Not in words," Jinyoung said, “but in every action. He pushes me away, he doesn’t want me anymore.” 

Jin tightened his grip on Jinyoung and rubbed a soothing hand on his back. Jinyoung wanted out of the labs and far away from all the mess around them. He wanted away from this battlefield that he’d raged for himself. He wanted to run away from the fact that he might have blown his hearing forever in one of his ears and the truth that he had lost Jaebeom in the arena.

"Jinyoung," Jin spoke to him gently, "just because Jaebeom doesn't say it, doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. And if he pushes you away like this, it's because he does very much still love you." None of those words made sense to Jinyoung

"How does that mean that?" Jinyoung asked. What Jinyoung saw from Jaebeom, was everything Jaebeom intended for Jinyoung to see. Jaebeom pushed Jinyoung away like he didn't want to see Jinyoung anymore.

“You’ll have to be patient with Jaebeom, it may be a long time before he’s better,” Jin said, “ but I have no doubt that he loves you very much, maybe more than he even knows.” 

Jinyoung shook his head, Jin hadn’t been there and he didn’t see what Jinyoung had experienced. He was still speaking from the perspective of someone who had witnessed Jaebeom before the arena.

“You don’t understand,” Jinyoung responded. Jin couldn’t possibly understand how much it hurt. 

“We often hurt the people we love most,” Jin respond, “because we think it’s how we can protect them. What Jaebeom’s doing to you, there are times you do the exact same thing to others. You push them away because you don’t want them to see that you’re suffering.” Jinyoung wasn’t sure it was the same thing but Jin pushed back against him and looked him in the eyes before speaking again. “You need shape up right now, we're in the middle of a fight that isn't over. You are strong enough to get through this and to move forward. We can talk more through this when we get out of here.” 

Jinyoung knew that Jin was right. He couldn’t be having breakdowns over the situation in the middle of a battlefield. Jinyoung also realized he could breathe, and speaking had helped to calm his panic. Jinyoung nodded in response to Jin, he had to be strong enough. He needed to be the person who had always found a way to survive. 

"Wait," Jae-eun's voice filled the hall into his ear, "Jaebeom's alive?" 

Jinyoung was surprised at their conversation being interrupted. He turned towards her surprised at how her voice sounded and Jinyoung’s eyes met hers.

Jinyoung looked at her eyes with Jaebeom's face fresh in his mind... In the moment everything connected. The eyes he saw were eyes he had seen before, younger and possibly even sharper in the boy he knew. Jinyoung shook his head as he realized... Jaebeom had told Jinyoung that his parents had been moved to District 1. The woman who had helped him and been with him looked like Lim Jaebeom.

"Please," she said, her voice emotional, "I need to know if he's alive, or if Yang still has him." Jinyoung was in shock staring at her. 

"Yang doesn't have him," Jin answered her question, “Jaebeom is alive and safe in District 13.” 

Jin glanced between the two of them. He had missed the reason she was asking, he didn’t know the context that Jinyoung knew. She wasn’t just a general, she was a woman who had abandoned her son. 

“Lim Jae-eun," Jinyoung said, "that's your name, right?" 

There was recognition in her eyes and he knew that she was likely aware he knew the full story. Anyone who had watched the game had known, Jinyoung and Jaebeom were close. Jinyoung didn’t know if their final moments had been aired for the nation, but they clearly spelled out just how close the two were.

"It is," she responded with tears in her eyes. She admitted who she was, and, to Jinyoung, she’d admitted what she’d done in the same breath. 

Jinyoung's heart was pounding as he remembered all the things Jaebeom had told him. All the hurt on his face when he’d spoken of his parents. Jaebeom had said it, let himself be vulnerable then blanked it out. In a way, Jaebeom was still blanking it all out. Maybe that’s how Jaebeom had learned to survive; to push everyone away to protect himself. 

"You _left_ him?" Jinyoung couldn't help but gasp out in shock. 

She had been kind to Jinyoung, she had done her best to help him throughout the day. She knew, this whole time, the nature of his and Jaebeom's relationship. She had to know from the games, from Yang's broadcast to him. She knew yet she still was there with Jinyoung, unashamed of what she’d done to her own son.

"I didn't leave him," Jae-eun responded. 

Jinyoung was surprised she would deny it when she so clearly was a member of District 1 and her son had been left behind in District 12. She’d traded her own child away for luxury and safety.

"Yes you did," Jinyoung snapped, "you left him behind, you went to District 1 and left him behind!” Jaebeom had been abandoned, left alone as a child and the woman before him had been responsible for it.

"I didn't want to," she had tears in her own eyes, "we didn't want that... It was never what we wanted.” Jinyoung didn’t understand what she was doing trying to deny it.

"What are you saying?" Jinyoung asked, "that you didn't treat him like he was broken? That you didn't walk away as soon as you had the chance? He told me everything that happened to him. I know exactly what you did to him, when he just needed someone to be there for him!”

"No, he doesn’t know, we couldn’t tell him,” she responded, "because he couldn't know what happened. Yang threatened us, Yang killed our daughter because Jaebeom wouldn't listen to him..." More tears rolled down her face as she continued to speak, "Yang wanted to kill Jaebeom and said he would if we didn't leave him..." Jinyoung's eyes widened at the words she was saying.

"We didn't want to," She cried, “but we had just lost our daughter, we couldn’t bear to have our son taken from us as well. We left to protect him.” 

The revelation shattered everything that he had been told, everything Jaebeom had been told. Yang had toyed with him cruelly, killed his sister then ripped his parents from him. Jaebeom had been forced to fend for himself, forced to survive alone. Jinyoung shook at how the revelation of what the woman said had changed everything.

Jinyoung walked forward towards her but stumbled. He dropped to the floor, to his knees. His mind felt numb as pieces started to connect. The things that Jaebeom had endured, the way Jaebeom had continued forward and how Jaebeom was behaving. He’d been abandoned over and over again so cruelly. Tears filled Jinyoung’s eyes again even though he didn’t want to cry. His mind was thinking over everything he had seen in Jaebeom.

"You love him?" Jae-un asked him and Jinyoung nodded, "you would do anything for him, even leave if you thought his life was in danger with you in it, wouldn't you?" 

Jinyoung nodded again, he would do anything to protect Jaebeom. He understood exactly what she meant. Jae-eun stepped forward and walked to him. She knelt down to him and pulled him into her arms and cried with him.

———

When they arrived back in their encampment, Jinyoung had bad headaches. The pain was intense. He blamed them on what had happened to his ears but he knew that part of the reason it hurt so bad was he was in the throws of drug withdrawal. He hadn’t been without it for so long, he hadn’t known how addicted he really was but his whole body was begging him to take more.

Jin and Jackson had helped him get to the medical tent. He’d leaned heavily on Jackson because he was hurting and he was glad for his friend. When he got there the doctors removed the earplug from his ear and the pain got worse, it was almost too much for him. The doctor injected him with painkillers that quickly gave him relief, though they also made him drowsy. With the aid of the painkillers, the doctor was able to clean his ear without him feeling the pain of it. But the painkillers didn’t stop the ringing or the vertigo.

“Your eardrum is ruptured,” the doctor said once the cleaning was done and he was able to examine it better. Jinyoung knew something bad had happened, the pain level signaled that there was real damage.

“What does that mean?” Jinyoung asked. He needed to know what the consequences would be.

“It means your eardrum was damaged by the frequency,” the doctor replied, “you have a large tear through it and we will need to clean further inside to prevent infections.” 

It sounded horrifying. He didn’t really even know what that part of ear was or what it could mean long term. He was sure his father could explain better to him. 

“Is it curable?” Jinyoung asked, that was the most important question and he hoped so badly that it was. The numbness on his hearing hurt, he wanted to be able to hear. He was scared he would lose the use of his ear. After all he endured he didn’t want that.

“Well,” the doctor said, “it is something that is self healing, like a cut in the skin. But there most likely will be severe short term and you have a high potential for long term complications if it is not treated properly.”

Jinyoung was worried about those, in his mind complications meant not hearing. He wanted to hear, he didn’t want to lose a sense because of a misstep on the field.

“Hearing loss is definitely apparent at the moment,” the doctor stated, “isn’t it?” 

Jinyoung nodded in response. 

“That is expected at the moment, but tinnitus and hearing loss could be long term effects. In the short term, the risk of infections is high. You have a really bad tear but as already stated proper treatment will go a long way to aid it in healing.”

“So I could have hearing loss long term?” Jinyoung questioned.

“You could if you deal with infections in the healing process,” the man said, “but we’ll clean it out thoroughly then put a patch on it. You’ll need to get it checked out and monitored by a doctor once you return to District 13.” 

He nodded, he would do whatever he could to keep it from getting worse.

Jinyougn asked a few more questions about what he would have to do until he had no more, then the doctor left and Jinyoung was alone. Jinyoung quickly took out his medication and poured two pills out into his shaking hands, he had to be careful not to need too much but he knew the signs. It was taking more and more to make him calm. He needed to taper back on them somehow but he was so on edge he wasn’t sure how he was going to do that on his own. He threw the pills back and swallowed them dry before hiding the rest on his person again. Then he got up to go meet up with the others.

Jinyoung had told Jaebeom's mother she needed to come back with them and face her son. He felt like Jaebeom needed to hear from her what had really happened back then. He learned from her that Jaebeom's father had died soon after their move to District 1. The doctors there couldn't figure out what was wrong with him, District 1 had every medicine available but his wife believed he died from the pain of losing both his children.

She had spent the years on her own, working her way up in the government of District 1 in hopes of the day a revolution would take place. That reminded Jinyoung of Jaebeom, and how he saw Jinyoung at first as his means to revolution. Her goal was always to take down Yang so she could get back to her son.

Jinyoung asked her about her experience watching the games when Jaebeom was forced into the arena again. She said she was devastated when she heard what the quarter quell would be, and watched every moment of it hoping for him to be okay. She described that, when she saw him with Jinyoung and thought he died for Jinyoung, she had been happy at least to know someone had loved him, even if it came to its own end. She’d had no idea that he had survived the end of the games.

Her goal when she thought he was dead was to always get District 1 involved in the revolution. She wanted to destroy Yang for what he did to her family. She joined the fight herself on the front lines, never once backing down when things got more difficult. She was a strong woman and she reminded Jinyoung of Jaebeom. He hoped if Jaebeom talked to her that she could remind Jaebeom who he was.

She agreed to visit District 13 with him for a short time, explaining she would be needed back in the fight. He could see how painful it was to her and he knew it wouldn’t be easy for her to face Jaebeom. But Jinyoung believed both of them needed to see each other again. Jinyoung warned her Jaebeom wasn't himself, that what he had gone through had done so much to shatter him. He wanted to make sure she knew going in how bad the situation was.

They prepared to leave, it was a long flight back. Jinyoung got on the hovercraft quickly and went to rest, sleep claimed him easy from his dosage of drugs. He had counted 4 pills out as he laid down away from the others. He needed to be careful, that was the maximum he could take, he knew he shouldn't go further than 4. But the desire was growing, the craving was stronger and he needed them to prop himself up, to keep going.

That was something he thought should have been frightening to him, but on the list of things he was afraid of it didn't register. Death wasn’t scary to him, because death would be a reprieve after all he had experienced. It was the last thing he was afraid of, and that was what made him brave enough for the next steps.

\-----

Jaebeom awoke to darkness, to numbness in his heart. Days had gone by, and in those days he was moving and trying… trying to figure himself out after all that had happened. The lights in his room were off and he had no easy reach of them. He hated waking up in the dark when no one else was there. He struggled inside of himself with wanting to be left alone, with being afraid of being left alone. He breathed and reminded himself he wasn’t alone, that there were people close. It was becoming easier to feel safe, from the things the Capitol had done to him. The nightmare of those things was over but it hadn’t fully left him.

He turned over on his back, there were small points of light in his room giving shadows and a sense of where he was. He glanced about the room, thinking about walking to the light switch himself. He turned back towards them and thought further about it but if it was dark he wondered if he should sleep more. He had no way of gauging the time of day he was in, nor how the days were passing. He missed the sunlight.

He knew if it was a new day beginning then that meant it had been four days since Jinyoung had run from him. Four days and he had seen nothing of Jinyoung. Nothing at all because Jinyoung had left to fight on the battlefield again. Jaebeom wondered, despite himself and what he’d been told, if Jinyoung was giving up on him. Before when Jinyoung had left he’d told Jaebeom where he was going and made promises to return. This time he’d fled the room crying as Jaebeom had treated him coldly.

Jaebeom’s chest hurt, sometimes it just hurt because he knew he wasn’t helping himself or Jinyoung with the way he was acting. It had just felt like what he’d had to do. Sometimes he wanted nothing more than to disappear, to float away and vanish, but he had to try. He wasn't strong yet and sometimes he was scared that he wouldn’t get there, he was scared of what that would mean for the people around him. He couldn't run away from his issues like Jinyoung could.

He thought of what Youngmin had told him, how the man was there each day mostly silently patient. He let Jaebeom move at his own pace with everything, he never pushed Jaebeom like the others. It was different, it was strange. He hadn’t known much of the man before except how rocky his relationship with his own son was. It seemed a lot had changed while Jaebeom was gone.

The lights turned on... Jaebeom was surprised at the suddenness of it. His eyes opened again to the rush of light and his eyes rested on the person who had entered the room. His heart leapt as he saw Jinyoung. He wondered if his heart would ever stop doing that at the sight of the other boy. 

Jinyoung’s eyes looked tired, he stood blinking at Jaebeom for a moment as if taking him in. Jaebeom glanced him up and down, the most notable change was Jinyoung had a circular bandage around his ear. He’d returned but he’d returned hurt again.

Jaebeom didn’t want to feel relief but he did. Seeing Jinyoung alive in front of him made him feel so relieved. He’d heard from Youngmin that Jinyoung was coming back but it scared him everytime Jinyoung left. There was no way for Jaebeom to know what was really going on beyond his small hospital room. He didn’t know what dangers Jinyoung was facing or if Jinyoung simply would decide one day he was done.

"Jaebeom," Jinyoung said his name.

Jaebeom wanted to speak, to respond, but he knew he wasn't supposed to. He needed to push Jinyoung away from his damaged self. But why? There was a fight within himself wondering why he was doing this to the both of them. Why was it so necessary to do it? Because Jaebeom didn’t feel secure in himself? 

Jaebeom wanted to ask where Jinyoung had gone, how it had gone, why his ear was bandaged. He wanted to know what Jinyoung had been doing in those 4 days, and what he’d faced. He wanted Jinyoung close to him but they were so far away from each other. Jaebeom was finally admitting to himself how much he needed Jinyoung, but he was scared that it shouldn’t be that way.

"Are you okay?" Jaebeom couldn't stop himself from asking. Because the last time Jinyoung had been shot and they’d brought him back unconscious. Body limp, not moving and it had scared Jaebeom so much. 

Jinyoung looked shocked that Jaebeom had even spoken to him and that hurt. Jaebeom knew he didn’t deserve to feel like it hurt. He’d done this to the both of them, he’d done it all on his own. 

"I'm okay," Jinyoung said, he lifted a hand to the left side of his head where the bandages were over his ear. "I was in District 3 and we won. We won against the Capitol again. I hurt my ear in the fight but other than that I'm fine." Jinyoung took a deep breath and smiled a gentle smile. “I’m sorry I left without saying I was going, I was frustrated. It’s just… I had to go.”

Jaebeom nodded, he’d been the one to push Jinyoung. But in that time he found he had missed Jinyoung's steady presence and persistence. He still couldn't find anything to say in response.

"I brought someone to see you," Jinyoung turned the subject, “it was a long fight but she helped me… I know this is going to be difficult but please hear her out." 

Jaebeom was confused by that turn in the conversation when the door opened again. The person who stepped in the room was someone that Jaebeom thought he would never see again. Someone Jaebeom had never wanted to see again. His heart dropped in his chest, and he sat up in shock of it.

"Jaebeom," she said his name and Jaebeom looked at Jinyoung, but Jinyoung took a step back and she took one forward. Jaebeom didn’t know how to breathe and his mind raced. Why was she there? Why had she come? There was no reason for her to come back. He didn’t want her back.

“My son,” she spoke and tears filled her eyes as she looked at him. 

She had no right to call him son, to cry any tears after what she’d done to him. Jaebeom looked towards Jinyoung confused, emotional because Jinyoung should have known better. How could he have brought her to Jaebeom? Jaebeom had told Jinyoung everything, he should have known better.

“I didn’t know you were still alive,” she started, “I thought Yang had killed you and it devastated me. I’d thought for so long I’d be able to find my way back to you, and you’re alive. I’m so happy.” 

Jaebeom didn’t want to hear it. He hated seeing tears rolling down her face as she smiled. He hated that she acted like she had any right to find him, to be near him.

“Jaebeom?” She said his name like a question because he hadn’t said anything. He didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t respond. He was empty, he was _angry_. 

“Jaebeom I’ve missed you,” she continued, “I never wanted to leave. You’d shut us out so bad I knew I couldn’t just leave. I knew it was wrong, I am sorry.” Was she blaming him for what she had done? For shutting them out?

“Jaebeom?” She said his name as a question again because he wouldn’t look at her. So he did, his eyes snapped to her’s, to face her.

“You don’t get to say my name,” he finally spoke and his voice echoed the anger he felt, “you don’t get to act like you care. You don’t get to come back.” 

The feelings of abandonment rose to the surface. The pain of what he’d experienced he’d locked down for so long. It was like a burning inside him. When he’d run down the path to his home in the rain, to escape the falling raindrops and found it empty. Seeing her again, suddenly he was back in that house. Walking the halls shouting for them, finding them gone and no trace of them left. He’d feared the worst, feared for their lives.

Learning the truth of what they’d done broke him over and over again. He’d never wanted to see his mother or his father again because they had abandoned him when he needed them the most. The truth was they’d abandoned him long before they’d really left. He’d lost his parents the moment he’d gone into the arena. He’d returned to no warmth from his mother or his father. No one held him when he cried, no one comforted him through the things he’d experienced. They left him alone again and again.

“Jaebeom, I’m sorry—” she tried to speak but he didn’t want to hear anything else she had to say.

“Of course you are,” he snapped, “of course you’re fucking sorry. It’s too late to be sorry!” His body was shaking from the anger of what he felt. He didn’t want to cry in front of her. He had memories of going to her cry and her telling him to stop. She never understood the things he’d gone through nor had she ever tried.

“Jaebeom, hear her out,” Jinyoung spoke loudly, like it was a command. But Jaebeom didn’t understand why Jinyoung had done this to him, Jinyoung shouldn’t have brought her there.

“I’ve heard enough,” Jaebeom turned away from the both of them. He wished he could turn off the light and shut them out. He couldn’t understand why after everything he’d been dealing with that he had to deal with her too. 

“Yang forced us to go!” His mom spoke to him desperately as if she wanted him to believe something he knew wasn’t true. He didn’t want to hear her because they both knew it didn’t matter what words she could come up with. She wasn’t his mother, she’d lost all rights to him and he didn’t want her back.

“He said he’d kill you if we said no!” She wouldn’t stop, “He wanted to break you down for defying him and he wanted us away from you. We hated it but we did it to protect you! Because we love you! I love you, I always have, please listen to me!” 

He laughed bitterly at those words. Abandonment was an emptiness she could never understand. What she had done had almost defined him entirely. The loneliness he had faced for so long was all encompassing, he’d buried himself in his hatred for Yang and his need for vengeance. Before Jinyoung came along that was all he’d had left.

Jaebeom knew that this woman knew that they had isolated him _long_ before they’d left. Her apology came too late, far too late. The way they looked at him before they left only ever carried silent blame for what happened to Jimin. If they’d only just left him he would have believed it, but there was so much more before. She couldn’t return and expect him to accept her, not after all that. She shouldn’t have tried. He didn’t have the strength to deal with it.

“If you had loved me,” Jaebeom said, “you would have helped me when I came home after the games. When I was falling apart and when Yang came to try and take me to the Capitol. If you had loved me you wouldn’t have blamed me...” his voice broke. He looked away again because he couldn’t look at her. “You wouldn’t have done all of it.” 

She knew what it was she’d done. She knew.

“I love you,” she cried, “I loved you through all of it! I just didn’t know how to reach you!”

It was empty to him, nothing but words that didn’t change a thing about what had happened.

“You’re a liar,” Jaebeom said, unyielding to her, “would a loving mother tell her son to do what Yang asked? Would a loving mother throw her son away when he wouldn’t? You knew everything and you still left!” He wished he could storm out like Jinyoung could when things got hard, he wished he could run away. But since he couldn't, all he could do was close the door on her, shut her out, push her away.

He had learned how to shut people out so well. He’d learned how to shut himself deep within himself where no one could reach him because that was how he’d been able to survive alone. He knew how to ignore their voices and lock himself away. That was what he did, he sunk deep inside himself and shut out the woman who he would never again call his mother. Whatever words she spoke next he couldn’t hear them, he wouldn’t hear them. They didn’t matter to him.

He could feel when she left. When she grew weary of trying and she’d walked out the door. He also knew that Jinyoung hadn’t left, that the other boy was still there with him. Of course Jinyoung didn't leave. He was trying so hard to break down Jaebeom's walls to get through to him. Jinyoung was almost always there even when Jaebeom didn’t want him to be.

"Jaebeom," Jinyoung's voice was close to him, it was one he could never shut out. 

He opened his eyes and looked up to Jinyoung's. The emotions on Jinyoung’s face were so easy to read, he was torn and unsure what to do.

"Why would you bring her here?" Jaebeom asked. It hurt so much that Jinyoung had done it when Jinyoung knew Jaebeom’s story. He’d still tried to interfere with things that Jaebeom had long put to rest.

"It's nice that you're speaking to me again," Jinyoung responded. It reminded him Jinyoung was always petty about everything.

"I don't owe you anything," Jaebeom said bitterly, "I don't have to speak to you if I don't wish to." 

The flash of hurt in Jinyoung's eyes reverberated in Jaebeom’s chest, it hurt him too. Jaebeom had to work so hard to keep from giving in to how weak he was for Jinyoung. If he responded to it then he would be dropping every wall he had built.

"I won't be here much longer," Jinyoung said, “I don’t know the timeframe of how things will work out. But I will be going back out into the field very soon. If you want to push me away, fine, but I think you'll soon realize you don't want that. Especially once you really realize I might not come back. Any battle could be my last.” Jinyoung’s words did hurt him, because he had realized just that. “Until I go again I'll be here, but you don't have much more time."

That made his chest tighten, and his mind freeze up. He didn't know what to do with the idea that time could be running out. They’d never had near enough time but before they always believed they would make it. Things had changed so much.

He wished he hadn't changed, but he hadn't had a choice. Yang hadn't given him a choice but to endure all that had happened. It wasn't fair to take it out on Jinyoung but he struggled to stop himself. Because if he let JInyoung stay and Jinyoung chose to leave... Jaebeom didn’t know how he would survive

But there was one question hanging in Jaebeom’s mind that he knew he needed to answer.

What do you want? 

What did he want?

Jinyoung turned to leave, to walk towards the door and to walk away again. He watched Jinyoung leave. The only thing he knew for certain was he did want Jinyoung. He loved Jinyoung.

He’d lost him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a long one, and it took a long time to write and get together. Weeks of work haha. I hope you enjoyed the long read and i hope you'll enjoy what is coming in the next chapter. Please leave a comment to let me know what you think!


	8. Living A Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung’s demons catch up to him and Jaebeom finally wakes up.

The siege of the Capitol didn’t happen immediately. Jinyoung had patiently awaited it and asked the soldiers often when it would happen. It would take time building the tech they needed. Jinyoung guessed it was a good thing as his father said he wouldn’t be allowed to go out on the field again until his ear healed. 

He was anxious each day that came. He could feel tension, pressure that filled his body and his only relief remained the medication. Sometimes Jinyoung wondered if the growing tension came from over consumption. He needed to taper off, to pull back. That was his goal. He counted his pills carefully trying to remember how much he took each day, to take less slowly. Some days he simply forgot what the previous day’s number was. Other days he wanted to hide the withdrawal symptoms from his father. No one could know how deep he was in. He needed to be careful.

Jinyoung wanted the war to be over, he wanted the ending to come. He’d been shooting propaganda pieces, seeing his face on every screen in District 13 even as his face was splashed across the entirety of Panem. He was tired of seeing himself on a screen. Tired of being filmed, tired of being a prop. But he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t slow down until it was over and Yang was gone. To lose would cost everything and he didn’t want to give anything else to his enemies. They’d taken enough from him.

He laid in soft grass alone, a cold chill in the air as he knew the sun would set soon enough. He’d snuck outside the base to be alone, to be away from cameras and stares. Some days he hid and laid in the grass and wondered about how it would all end. He was so tired. Sometimes when he fell asleep he wasn’t sure that he wanted to wake up. 

His mind was a mess and he knew that. He was controlling it, doing his best. Jinyoung believed he could hold out till the war was over. That was all he could do. There was nowhere he could go, no one he could talk to about what he was feeling. So he laid in the grass outside the base and breathed. 

He hadn’t gone back to see Jaebeom more than a couple times since the incident with his mother. Jaebeom was withdrawn and after two visits Jinyoung had walked out without a word and hadn’t gone back. He was hurting, he was tired of hurting. He could numb it down, forget it, he didn’t need anyone else. He was so far gone, addicted to the feeling of nothingness that could grip his body and lock away every emotion. Even hurts, even pains, it all disappeared. He laid peaceful, his body feeling heavy. He wanted nothing more than to sink into the arms of the substance. To fall into a peaceful deep sleep that was uncontrollable. But he couldn’t allow himself to sleep. They would search for him, they would find out.

Jinyoung sat up, he felt slightly dizzy. He counted the rate of his breathing, things were very hazy. He likely had taken too much. He pushed himself to stand and stumbled to a nearby tree to hold himself upright. He breathed carefully. He would need to go inside and he would need to hide what he was feeling. It was too early for him to go to bed, it would be suspicious.

He leaned heavily against the tree when he noticed something off. One part of the tree didn’t look right to him. He reached for it and felt what it was, a feeling of glass. He leaned in to examine it further. His mind moved slow, it took him a moment to identify what he’d found. It should have been surprising but it made his chest hurt. There was a camera somehow embedded into the tree, the way cameras were placed in the arenas during the Hunger Games. Camouflaged and not easy to find.

Jinyoung gasped at it and felt tears fill his eyes. It didn’t matter what he did or where he went there was always someone watching him. Jinyoung took a deep breath and stepped back away from the tree, still staring at the spot where the camera was. He had a feeling he knew who was watching, who was always watching. Jinyoung stumbled back looking towards the ground till his eyes settled on a rock. He quickly walked towards it and picked it up.

He breathed quickly and moved back towards the tree. He threw the rock hard right into where the camera was. He heard the sound of the glass lens shatter. He jumped back and it caused him to stumble and fall to the ground. He pulled his legs close to him as tears filled his eyes. It didn’t matter if he destroyed one, there were more. They were everywhere.

Jinyoung shook and turned to walk out of the forest. He walked back down towards burned ground that remained from when the Capitol had bombed the district. He stumbled down the uneven ground and caught himself on the ground. He was dizzy, everything was spinning. His attempt to get back into the base wasn’t going well. 

He stayed down, the charred earth was around him. He knew what was happening, he’d taken too much and it had brought his body down too far. He wondered how much more would stop his lungs from even having the will to breathe. It was scary but he couldn’t even feel the emotion of fear for what he’d done to himself. He needed to wait it out and hide from everyone, but they would be looking for him before long. He couldn’t let them find out what he was still doing. His thoughts flitted to how he was supposed to free himself of the need on his own. He couldn’t continue on the way he was forever.

“Jinyoung!” 

He heard a voice call his name and his chest clenched but he couldn’t even feel fear of being found out. He couldn’t feel anything, he was so numb. He shivered, it was growing cold as the sun was setting. He looked up to see multiple figures approaching, the one he zeroed in on was the one who’d called his name.

“What are you doing up here alone?” Shownu asked him. Jinyoung couldn’t answer, it was like he didn’t even have the will to speak. His body seemed to still be slowing down. Shownu moved forwards towards him and reached his arms to Jinyoung to help him stand.

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung found two words to speak quickly.

“Your shaking,” Shownu said, “It’s cold up here, come on let’s go inside.” 

Jinyoung let Shownu grab his arm and lead him forward. He didn’t know what he was going to do when he got inside. He was certain his current state of being was going to tip everyone off, they would all know what was going on. He needed to get his drugged up brain to function normally.

“I am hungry,” Jinyoung said softly, maybe Shownu and the other boys that were around would stay with him. Maybe they would eat with him.

“Finish the patrols,” He heard Shownu say, definitely not to Jinyoung, “I’m going to take him down.” Jinyoung leaned slightly into Shownu’s grip on his arm as the other man started walking with him towards the door to the base.

“Will you eat with me?” Jinyoung questioned. He swayed a bit and Shownu quickly grabbed him to help him stay upright.

“Are you drunk or something, Jinyoung?” Shownu questioned, and Jinyoung saw his brow crease with worry. They’d stopped walking, Shownu’s hands were on his shoulders. Jinyoung looked at him, he saw the confusion and worry on Shownu’s face.

“I just really need something to eat,” Jinyoung responded, he wasn’t sure what he could say. 

Shownu wasn’t like his other friends, he didn’t know the history. He didn’t have context to Jinyoung’s behavior and that was something that Jinyoung was glad for. Of all the people to find him when he was high off his mind with the drugs, Shownu was one of the best people to do it.

“Something’s wrong Jinyoung,” Shownu said.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung responded, “I haven’t eaten all day and I’m faint.” It was the perfect excuse. Shownu sighed.

“Okay,” he said, “let’s go.” Shownu helped him get down into the base, the lights seemed brighter than they normally did. Jinyoung hated the cold light of the underground. It was oppressive in how it shined. 

He felt so numb as he let Shownu lead him through the base, he could barely process what was going on except that he felt eyes on him. He didn’t like that eyes were on him as they walked through, people’s gaze on him lingered. He knew more cameras were on him. He wished he could smash them all like he had the one in the forest. He had felt so much rage, but that was gone. The drugs in his system were fully controlling him to where he couldn’t even feel that anger. 

Shownu pulled him into the mess hall and let go of Jinyoung. He was able to stand on his own, he was glad of that. Shownu eyed him for a moment and Jinyoung wondered what he was thinking about what he was witnessing. Jinyoung was glad Shownu wasn’t close with any of his friends. Shownu didn’t speak, he grabbed Jinyoung’s arm and led him to one of the empty tables in a more shadowed area. Away from people.

“Stay here,” Shownu said, “I’ll get you something to eat. Just stay here.” 

Jinyoung nodded and sat down. He put his head against the table to stop the spinning. Jinyoung didn’t know what he was going to do. He hoped food helped to reduce the effects. He couldn’t go back to his unit with his body so heavy. His eyes slipped shut easily, he put his hands against the table and pushed himself upright again. He opened his eyes and looked at the wall, he couldn’t allow himself to sleep.

Jinyoung felt dazed and strange. He wanted to process what was happening to him but he focused on keeping his own eyes open until Shownu returned with a tray of food. He set it down in front of Jinyoung and Jinyoung looked up at him. Shownu’s brow was creased in worry. Jinyoung reached for his spoon and started eating the soup.

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung said softly as he ate. He didn’t understand why Shownu was still sitting with him. 

“You know Jinyoung,” Shownu responded, “I really don’t believe you-” Jinyoung got that sense “-but it’s also okay if you're not.”

The words at the end of the statement were confusing to him. Jinyoung took another sip of the soup out of his spoon and ate some of the meat.

“It’s not okay,” Jinyoung said in response, “if I’m not fine everyone gets crazy on me. They don’t leave me alone cause if I’m not fine they think it’s their job to fix it. So I’m fine, I am fine.” He didn’t know if his words made any sense, but he couldn’t stop himself from speaking his response. He guessed it was just what he felt. He was tired of the worried looks, the control of others. He just wanted to be left alone.

“People care about you, Jinyoung,” Shownu said, “you have a lot of people who care about you.” Jinyoung frowned.

“Do _you_ care?” Jinyoung questioned. It didn’t make sense for Shownu to care. He was one of Chae’s soldiers, if he cared it was just because of what Jinyoung was doing for him. He, like everyone else, just cared for Jinyoung’s role in the war.

“I do,” Shownu responded.

“Why?” Jinyoung questioned. Shownu looked confused.

“Jinyoung,” Shownu spoke his name in exasperation.

“What?” Jinyoung questioned. Shownu looked at his hand where Jinyoung didn’t realize he was holding his spoon white-knuckle tight. Shownu sighed. Jinyoung looked down into his bowl and focused on eating more. He was sure food would help him get back to some sort of normal numbness instead of the heavy tiredness he felt.

“What are you on?” Shownu asked him suddenly.

“What?” Jinyoung questioned, his eyes moved quickly to meet Shownu’s. He didn’t know what Shownu thought he knew.

“You're not drunk so the other option is your on something,” Shownu said. Jinyoung looked back down into his soup.

“I’m not,” Jinyoung said, “I just don’t feel well.” Denial, that was all he had. Jinyoung realized if it was obvious to Shownu it would be to anyone else and the others actually knew everything. He couldn’t go back to his unit.

“I am not here to judge you,” Shownu said, “you’ve had it harder than the rest of us.” Shownu sighed. “When I was a kid, when we were all kids, we dreamed of a day we could see the sun again. We dreamed of this fight, you gave us this chance. I didn’t know what to expect, honestly, when I met you, but being close to you I can see you're not okay. And I am sorry because we all did this to you. We put pressure on you to be the answer, and that’s not fair. I want to help you, to protect you and I get the sense you won’t let me or anyone else. But I guess all I can do is just keep trying.” 

Jinyoung felt tears forming in his eyes, he didn’t know how he could still feel anything under the influence of so much of the drugs. Jinyoung clenched his fist tighter around his spoon and focused on his soup. Shownu was right. He wouldn’t let anyone else protect him. He didn’t want anyone else between him and Yang. 

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung just repeated the two words that had become everything to him. Maybe a lie, maybe not. It was all he had left.

“Okay,” Shownu simply responded. Jinyoung continued to eat, Shownu sat silently across from him as he did.

Jinyoung heard footsteps walking towards them. He was almost done eating, he really hoped it wasn’t someone who knew him well. He looked and saw it was Taehyung. His heart skipped a beat. He couldn’t risk Taehyung realizing something. Jinyoung put his spoon down, he’d eaten enough, he was sure.

“I gotta go,” Jinyoung said as Taehyung sat down. He looked and saw Taehyung’s expression confused.

“Wait, hyung, I wanted to talk to you,” Taehyung said. Jinyoung stood up, the room was spinning. Food wasn’t helping, he needed to get out of there.

“Later, Taehyung,” Jinyoung said. Shownu stood up too and reached for him as if to steady him. Jinyoung stepped back from the table. He looked to Taehyung, ignoring Shownu. “Tell my father I am with Jaebeom.” He quickly turned and walked away. He didn’t look back as he did and he was glad it seemed neither of them would follow him.

He walked carefully through the halls of the base, hoping he didn’t run into anyone else who knew him. He moved as fast as he could, his body felt so slow and weak. He somehow was able to keep going. He somehow made it to the hospital and found himself at the entrance to Jaebeom’s room. He stood in front of the closed door.

He didn’t know what he was doing there, there was no reason for him to be there. He wondered if Jaebeom was awake at all, and if he was what he would say. Jinyoung didn’t know what else to do. He was overwhelmed, he was tired. Maybe he just wanted someone to push at him, maybe he wanted to fall apart. Jinyoung didn’t know what was happening to him, where his mind was going. How far he’d fallen, he knew he didn’t have much farther to go.

Jinyoung stumbled into the darkened hospital room. His eyes settled on where Jaebeom laid sleeping, the monitors that surrounded him were turned off. He was getting stronger. Jinyoung stood for a moment stunned, asking himself once again what he was doing. Jaebeom didn’t want him there. He’d avoided it because Jaebeom made it clear he didn’t want Jinyoung there. Jinyoung felt possessed as he stepped forward towards the bed. He slipped to the floor beside it on his knees like a beggar. But he didn’t speak, he didn’t do anything. He let himself fall to the floor next to Jaebeom’s bed. The cold ground felt inviting as his head continued spinning.

He was barely breathing anymore.

Consciousness slipped away.

———

Jaebeom awoke to soft lights that had been left on in his room. His eyes were used to the familiar sight of the hospital room. It had been the only room he’d seen with time moving at a strange pace. Sometimes he forgot it was passing, but the strength in his body was returning. The awareness of his mind had shifted. He no longer awoke afraid of what it was Yang had planned for him. 

He awoke numb, hollowed out, empty. The room was such that he’d memorized every piece of it. The white walls made him wonder if that was all his existence would ever be. Jaebeom laid still in his bed upon waking, he closed his eyes again and felt it was easy to doze off again. Sometimes all he wanted to do was sleep. Recovery had been so mundane but it was happening. He was recovering to a point where he was starting to long for freedom, to return home. 

But some days he wasn’t sure he knew what home was, or if there was anything to return to. Youngmin had informed him district 12 had been bombed following the games. Any thought of going back there seemed strange, like an impossibility. But still he wondered when he was finally released from the District 13 hospital, what would he do? Was there any place for him anywhere? He knew so little of the war or what was going on outside his little white room. The bits and pieces seemed like a story, far and away from him.

Jaebeom shifted in his bed, turning on his side when he noticed something. His heart jumped in his chest as he did not expect to see another person in the room. His eyes settled on the body of a person laying on the ground a few feet from his bed, curled up against himself and sleeping. Jaebeom recognized Jinyoung and in his chest he felt pain. He hadn’t seen Jinyoung much since the incident with his mother. Since that day and the day Jaebeom pushed him too far Jinyoung wasn’t the same. He was no longer ever-present in Jaebeom’s room, in his life. Occasionally he stopped by, spoke words and left, but Jaebeom had pushed him so far.

His heart hurt as he looked at the sleeping form of the boy. At first he worried that Jinyoung wasn’t breathing, but he could see the way Jinyoung’s back moved as he took in air. He was just sleeping. Why he was there, Jaebeom had no idea. The way he was laying looked uncomfortable but Jaebeom was frozen in shock at seeing him there at all.

There was a blanket laid over him, maybe by someone who had entered and seen him sleeping. But it was odd of anyone to just leave him there on the hard floor. Jaebeom was about to move to wake him when he saw Jinyoung begin to stir. Jaebeom laid still with his head against his pillow as he watched Jinyoung shift his body. Jinyoung’s eyes fluttered open and he took a sudden deep breath. His vision looked unfocused, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling above him. His body trembled and Jaebeom noticed.

Jaebeom closed his eyes as Jinyoung began to look around the room. Jaebeom steadied his breaths to pretend to be asleep. He didn’t know why, but he felt out of his depth with the scene unfolding in front of him. He felt like something was wrong and he didn’t know what to do about it. He laid still with his eyes shut as he heard Jinyoung moving.

Then Jaebeom heard a different sound, the sound of a sob. His eyes flew open and Jaebeom saw that Jinyoung had shifted, now sitting upright turned completely away from him. His hands were clutching the blanket that had been laid over him and Jaebeom held his breath as he listened and knew; Jinyoung was crying. Jaebeom saw the way his shoulders shook and heard the way his breaths were labored from the emotion he was feeling. 

Jaebeom was frozen, stunned. There was something wrong but Jaebeom had no idea what it could be. Jinyoung didn’t turn back towards him, even as Jaebeom was sure he’d made noise by sitting up in his bed, alarmed. He’d seen so much strength from Jinyoung, the fire and determination in his eyes. Jaebeom had thought so much of what Jinyoung had become in Jaebeom’s absence was just stronger. He had tried to convince himself that Jinyoung didn’t need him and that he didn’t need Jinyoung. But his heart hurt, his chest ached as he saw Jinyoung crying. 

Jinyoung drew his knees close to himself and cried into them. Jaebeom reached his hand forward, Jinyoung was out of his reach. Jaebeom froze looking at his own hand in front of him as Jinyoung stood up from the ground without turning back. Sobs continued, crying continued but Jinyoung walked to the wall next to the door and leaned on it. 

Jaebeom sat speechless with his hand just reaching as Jinyoung wiped the tears from his eyes and walked out the door. Jaebeom remained frozen, looking at the door Jinyoung had just walked out of as it hissed shut. He drew his arm back closer to himself and raised both his hands to look at them. 

_"I love you, And I always will. No matter where I am, no matter what happens…_

His own voice echoed in his mind and he remembered that night. The darkness of the arena, the fire, the death. When the only thing in the world that had mattered to him was the one life in front of him. Jaebeom felt tears slipping down his face. He wiped them quickly, he wasn’t going to cry.

_I love you_

_I love you_

_I love you_

Jaebeom tried so hard to ignore the ache in his chest. His breaths came faster as the unwilling tears spilled over and began to fall on his hands. He shook, reality sinking into him harder than it had before.

_“I’m sorry we lost you, but you weren’t left behind alone this time”_

He put his hands against his face and cried in anguish, everything breaking down inside him. What had he _done_? What had he been doing but falling and letting himself sink lost inside every pain he’d ever felt? Jaebeom didn’t know himself, hadn’t known himself, so he’d lost himself. He’d let go of everything, let them take and take and take from him. That was how he’d survived, how he’d always survived alone, alone, alone.

_I lost you_

He dug his hands into his eyes to stop the flow of tears, to push back the things that ignited in him. Everything was overwhelming and all at once he only felt guilt and pain. He’d done so much to protect himself and failed to understand anything. 

And Jinyoung. Jinyoung would have given everything, anything for Jaebeom. They were a disaster, nuclear explosions breaking down each other’s walls and tearing each other apart. Jaebeom couldn’t stop himself from feeling any longer. He wanted so badly to go back to how they’d been before, when Jinyoung was recovering and Jaebeom was strong. And together they made sense in moment’s shared only to themselves.

In that moment Jaebeom remembered, when he’d kissed Jinyoung’s forehead so hopeful… hoping that Jinyoung felt the same. And the answer Jinyoung gave him. The moment he knew Jinyoung loved him before words were even spoken. But the moment those words were spoken, Jaebeom had felt like flying. They’d been ripped apart and ripped away from each other and Jaebeom would have gladly died for him. Living only to destroy him further was a nightmare. They were both in a nightmare that they couldn’t wake from.

Everything in him was screaming. Get up, go after him. But Jaebeom couldn’t. He was frozen, falling and Jinyoung was long gone.

——

His day was confusing. Jinyoung was a mess, an absolute mess. He knew how deep in he was getting, how far down he’d gone. He felt helpless as he’d stumbled back to his unit and climbed into bed next to his dad for comfort. His father had been asleep, it was still dark and Jinyoung just wanted someone to hold him. He felt bad waking the older man up but when his response was to hold Jinyoung closer, Jinyoung felt better. He felt safer even though he felt so much guilt because of how much he’d been lying. How much he’d been getting himself into because of his lies.

Jinyoung tried to keep his tears silent until he fell asleep again. When he woke up in the morning his father tried to talk to him, but Jinyoung felt so ashamed. He blamed his emotional state on things with Jaebeom. Lies, lies, lies, that was it. How could he admit he’d taken so much of the drugs that he’d passed out on the hospital floor? The last time he’d felt that gone, they’d told him it was a near overdose. He was scared of himself. 

His father had left him with Taehyung, Youngjae and Mark before going to the hospital. Taehyung had insisted he’d needed a haircut and worked to clean him up once again. It felt good for Jinyoung to be distracted from everything going so wrong in his head. They’d spent the day together, eaten together. Jinyoung had gotten one chance to take more of the drugs, not too much. He had to be careful.

That night Jinyoung's body shivered and reverberated from what he said was the cold, but it was a lie. He knew the symptoms he was feeling were the effects of withdrawal. He was running low on his stock, he needed to get more and he needed to find a way to lessen his dependency on them. He was getting in too deep, way too deep. He was surprised the others hadn’t noticed, surprised he’d gotten away with it for so long. 

He needed to control his demons on his own, just a bit longer. The war would end and then he would quit. It was becoming much harder to control it on his own. He knew though if he said anything or asked for help all he would do was ruin whatever relationship he had left with his family. He would reveal how deeply he broke their trust. His father wouldn’t look at him the same. It had taken so long for them to repair their relationship, Jinyoung didn’t think it would survive such a thing. He didn’t know that he could do anything to earn forgiveness for what it was he’d done. He just needed to escape it on his own.

He woke up shivering, to hide the truth he automatically pressed in closer to Mark who laid next to him. He was glad Mark had been discharged and was safe by his side. Both of them were broken in different ways. Mark pulled him closer as he sensed what Jinyoung wanted, thinking Jinyoung was probably just cold. He was completely unaware of the truth.

Jinyoung worked to keep his breathing steady and even, he had to hide all of it. He could hide there beside Mark while his father and his brother were sound asleep. Mark had begun to wake up to every sound and move Jinyoung made.

"Jinyoung," Mark whispered, "it's not cold tonight."

"Yes it is," Jinyoung whined in response. He knew it really wasn't, Mark was right, but he could play this game. He could pass the way he was shivering as just cold, nothing more.

"Is something wrong?" Mark asked. 

Maybe his friend would be more perceptive than Jinyoung wanted him to be. That question was loaded, Jinyoung could give a hundred examples of why everything was wrong. There wasn’t a single thing that was right with him.

"I'm fine," Jinyoung lied and eventually Mark fell back to sleep. 

Jinyoung felt bad, he felt bad for waking Mark up at all. Jinyoung laid still to avoid waking him again but Jinyoung didn’t sleep. He couldn't sleep. He stayed awake dealing with a massive headache and chills that he couldn't stop on his own. He needed more of the substance, he knew that. It had progressed from a desire to a need.

The morning came and he threw up everything he had eaten the night before. He felt so sick even after it all. The drug withdrawal combined with the vertigo from his ear, which wasn’t fully healed, made it difficult to move from the restroom floor. He took a couple pills and waited in the stall for his body to level off. He couldn’t let anyone else see what a mess he was, he needed the pills to mask it.

When the feeling of numbness started to set in and calm his body, he made his way back to his unit to check in on Mark.

When he got there Mark was sleeping soundly, probably catching up on sleep he had missed with Jinyoung waking him up in the night. Jinyoung's father and Youngjae were both gone, most likely to the hospital. Youngjae had started working a few hours with their father and it kept increasing.

Jinyoung laid in the bed Youngjae and his dad shared, away from Mark, so he wouldn't wake his friend up again. Jinyoung wanted to sleep after being up through the night but his body was still buzzing from anxiety, withdrawal. He simply wasn't tired enough to fall asleep, so he took two more pills. He needed to do it. He let them take him to sleep, a deep sleep. Perhaps he wasn't thinking, because that was the tip off to his family in times before: that he slept too deep as to be unwakeable. His mind was too troubled to reason through it.

He was falling apart, some nights he couldn’t sleep for remembering what the District 3 scientists had done to those men. He couldn't stop remembering the horrors he had witnessed and the many battles he had faced. He kept remembering that Yang was still alive and killing people from the districts everyday. Nightmares lived in him and had for so long they became too normal. He needed the drugs to numb himself to the point where the nightmares couldn't touch him. Where he was safe within a shell of protection. In the deepest sleep he didn't mind the thought of never waking from it.

But waking was a part of living. He supposed he wanted to live, to awaken again. He awoke again but he didn't wake of his own volition, he would have remained sleeping if someone hadn't woken him up.

"Hyung," a voice said over and over. 

Jinyoung opened his eyes to find himself looking into the eyes of Yugyeom. His body felt heavy, his chest felt weighed down, like he could keep sleeping if he just let his eyes shut. He wondered how much more he could take before he would stop breathing.

"Jinyoung hyung," Yugyeom said, he had an expression of worry in his eyes. Jinyoung looked around for Mark or anyone else to figure out what was going on. No one else was there. He wondered why and why Yugyeom had woken him up. 

"What time is it?" Jinyoung asked. He groaned, he was sure he could keep sleeping if he let himself. He liked sleeping, dreamless sleep.

"It's almost dinner time," Yugyeom said, "you wouldn't wake up earlier so Jackson told me to wait for you to wake up. But hyung it’s been hours.” 

"Jackson didn't tell you to wake me up," Jinyoung whined at the other boy. 

"No, he didn’t,” Yugyeom said, "but he told me to make sure you come to dinner. How can I do that if you're not awake, hyung?" 

Jinyoung couldn’t deny his logic but Jinyoung didn’t want to eat. He wanted to keep sleeping, to stay under however long the drugs would have kept him under.

"I didn't sleep well last night Yugyeom," he responded, "I want to sleep more."

"After dinner!" Yugyeom protested. 

Jinyoung knew it was best to give in so as not to raise any suspicions. If he didn’t listen and give concessions to his friends, it was more likely they’d find out the truth. He knew too well how to keep them in the dark. So he sat up on his bed and stood up, he guessed that it was for the best in that moment.

"Have you always been such a deep sleeper?" Yugyeom asked as they walked together to eat. Jinyoung was getting wary about people sticking to him for two days in a row.

"I didn't sleep last night," Jinyoung reiterated what he’d already stated, “I didn’t sleep well the night before either. I was very tired. It's normal to sleep deep after all that.” 

Yugyeom dropped it and they walked into the mess hall and located the others. Jinyoung stood in line for food and then sat down with the others, glad there wasn’t anything to clue them into Jinyoung behaving off. When asked about how tired he looked, he just said he was out of it from waking up from such a long nap.

When dinner ended he told his friends that he was going to see Jaebeom. That seemed to be his constant excuse; they couldn’t follow him to the hospital, so it was his easiest way to break away from them. 

He thought about the earlier events of the morning. Jinyoung had been shocked when he’d woken up in the hospital room. Jaebeom had been asleep so Jinyoung rushed to leave. It had been overwhelming. Jinyoung knew exactly how dangerous what he was doing was, but now it was becoming crippling.

He was falling apart so badly that the drug haze had led him back to Jaebeom’s side. But it didn’t matter how close he got, he couldn’t have Jaebeom. He’d passed out completely drugged out of his mind, on cold metal floors and had awoken to a blanket laid on top of him. He guessed Jaebeom could have done that much, he’d heard Jaebeom was walking normally again. 

His father had said Jaebeom’s psychological recovery was progressing as well, that he didn’t have episodes of confusion anymore. Not that Jinyoung had witnessed much of the recovery. He was tired of constantly hurting and being hurt. 

Jaebum wasn’t himself, he still wouldn’t talk to Jinyoung. At some point Jinyoung just stopped going there everyday, he chose occasional days when he was up for being ignored. He stopped going for any other reason than to show Jaebeom he was still there. But Jinyoung didn’t want to see Jaebeom again after that morning. Once Jinyoung was away from his friends he did follow through with going to the hospital, but he didn’t go to see Jaebeom. He slipped to a different side, his eyes carefully watching for signs of his father or Youngjae. 

There was a nurse who had an office in the back. She’d struck a deal with him, that was where he had often gone to replenish his stash of medication. Jinyoung walked in and made his request, as he always did, but this time the response was not one he was prepared for.

"I have been told your prescription has expired," the nurse said, "you can't get anymore." Jinyoung’s heart dropped in his chest. That was it, the very idea of it had been something he’d told himself not to think about. He’d tried to rule it out entirely…

"Wait," Jinyoung argued, "that doesn't make any sense, I need the medication.” How could this be happening to him? Had someone found out and cut him off? Had it been his father? He couldn’t get cut off from it, he needed it. He was addicted and he knew it, he was so far gone he couldn’t stop. 

"I am not to give you any more," the nurse responded, "that's what I was told." 

He felt his heart rate speed up. He was in deep and if he didn't have the drugs his family would find out what he’d done. It would all go wrong if he didn’t get the drugs in his system. He didn’t want his family to find out, he would have a horrible time of it if they did.

"Who told you that I couldn’t have more?” He asked. His body felt cold, he was afraid. He remembered the reasons his father had assumed, the things others had said. Somehow he knew exactly what was happening before the nurse said it.

"If you have any more questions you can take it up with President Chae," the woman responded, "I am not to give you anymore." 

Jinyoung had once accused the President directly of being behind a plot to get him addicted. They had always suspected her, but he’d justified it and erased any possibility of it in his mind. He had explained it all away because he’d _needed_ them. Chae had played the long game and let him run himself down to nothing. Why would she cut him off at that moment? What did she want from him?

"Please," he begged the nurse, "I need them." He wasn’t going to be okay without them. He didn’t even know if he could survive without them.

Jinyoung was so afraid, he had played right into Chae’s hand. He hadn't even considered how she would use it against him. He had let himself get lulled to sleep by the gentle embrace of the substance he craved. He should have known he’d lose in the end. 

The fear in his chest was crippling and he had no drugs to suppress that fear. He was scared about what it meant, what had he done? He’d destroyed himself, whatever happened next it was over. He was already too far gone to get out.

"I can't help you," the nurse said and she turned and walked out of the office, clearly uncomfortable with her own role.

He was left in the room alone, hands shaking, as he realized he had to go immediately. He couldn’t wait and see how things were going to play out. If he ran out of the drugs he would be very much bad off. He would be found out and things would go south really fast. He didn’t know what he was more afraid of, dying of withdrawal or the humiliation of his family finding out what he’d done.

He needed to beg, he needed to do whatever he had to. Jinyoung was at Chae’s mercy and he knew he’d do anything to get what he wanted from her. He’d fallen so far, there was nothing left of himself. Jinyoung needed to be careful, he had to get more from Chae then get himself off them slowly like his dad had done with him before. He couldn't be addicted to them like he was, it was too dangerous with Chae pulling whatever string she had.

As he walked towards her office he knew there was nothing he could do to hide his fear from her. It was completely in control of him. He was glad he ended up lucky and he didn't run into anyone he knew along the way. If he had he was aware they would be able to see it, that everything was wrong. He had never met with Chae completely one-on-one before like he was about to. It had always been in the conference room with others. He stepped inside the lobby of the administrative block her office was located in and asked if she was there, she wasn't. He would have to wait for her.

When he was finally let in to see her he wondered if she had been there all along. If she had made him wait so the desperation he felt would only increase. He knew he was frantic, it was impossible for him to just overcome all of what was happening to him. He couldn't believe he had entrapped himself and walked right into a cage.

"Hello Jinyoung," President Chae said with a cordial smile as he stepped in, "how can I help you today? How has your ear been?" 

The way she spoke wouldn't have seemed off before, but it sounded now like she was mocking him. There was nothing he could do but let his pride go. 

"You know why I'm here," Jinyoung responded softly. He was already destroyed. Almost everything he’d seen her he had talked to her with force and confidence, he was broken now. He realized she had won whatever game she had baited him into this no matter what he said or did.

"I really have no idea," she responded sweetly, "What is it that you need?" She wasn't going to make it easy on him in any way. He felt like prey snagged in a hunter's snare with no way out.

"You had the nurses discontinue my supply of psychological medication,” Jinyoung said as calmly as he could muster, "you must have had some reason to let it continue this long. But please, give them the order to continue it.” He needed it to continue. 

"What do you mean?" she asked, her tone still mocking him, "I am not a doctor, I don't control that."

"What do you want me to do?" Jinyoung asked her, feeling tears start to well in his eyes, "I'll do anything..." 

He realized as he was playing into her hands that he didn't want to play this game anymore. He wanted out from the nightmare he found himself in. This wasn’t the arena where the dangers were physical. Chae had won in his mind, and taken over entirely. Tears fell and he didn’t care if she saw, he was defeated and undone.

"I want a great many things from you," she responded with coldness, all the mocking warmth gone in an instant. She dropped all pretense of knowing nothing. She knew everything, she had all along. She leaned back in her chair with a dark expression on her face. The mask was gone and Jinyoung could finally see the woman underneath was anything but a benevolent ruler.

“Oh, Jinyoung,” Chae continued with a smile, a smirk, "there were always a lot of things in the way of what I wanted. This was the only way to put a leash on that ego of yours. You played the game nicely, as I wanted you to, I assume no one else knows?" How could she be so sure? Of course she knew. She understood him and his weaknesses.

“No one else knows,” He was honest. Jinyoung had successfully kept everyone else completely in the dark. He had manipulated them, but here he was being manipulated in return. 

“Good job,” she said with a tone of praise that made him feel sick, “you’re ready for the next stage.” She wasn’t giving him anything easily.

“ _Please_ ,” Jinyoung was barely holding himself together. He just wanted her to stop with the decorum and spit out what it was she wanted from him already.

“What I want from you is simple, Jinyoung,” she leaned back more as she spoke, the chair she was in creaked. Her gaze on him was frightening, “your influence is not a positive thing for our nation. Once this war ends, we will need strength to find peace and stability. That won’t come from following the whims of a demanding rebellious child.”

“I never asked for any of this,” Jinyoung interjected, “I just wanted to save my brother.” He was desperate, scared.

“No, you didn’t ask for this,” Chae agreed, “it is sad how things turned out for you. You could have had the world, had you played your cards right, but you were ill prepared for the game. To your credit you did well, you almost eclipsed me. Had you followed your fathers detox plan and not relapsed you would have been completely out of all this. I was worried there for a moment, thinking I was out of the running, but I shouldn’t have been. You turned out to be _exactly_ who I expected you to be.”

“Just tell me what you want,” Jinyoung said, he was teetering on the edge of insanity and she was gloating. He should have listened to his father, his friends, they’d all warned him. They had all tried to protect him, to prevent this outcome. He’d pushed them all away.

“I will Jinyoung. As much as I want to see you on your knees, I will cut this short,” she continued mocking, “in two days time I will be sending my troops to take control of and organize the front lines that are moving on the Capitol as we speak. The district leaders have no way of properly conducting the siege on the Capitol, so it falls to me to see this through.” President Chae was taking control for herself. She’d held her armies back the entire war, waiting until the last moment. District 13 would finally move in as heroes to take control of the end of the war. 

“Your role in this game will reach its end in the Capitol,” she continued, “you will go to the front, but not as a leader. You will go as a lowly soldier. No more parading around in that victor's get-up, as you and I are writing a new narrative. You will not be the sole star of this war anymore. You will be placed on a team I have picked for you and you will go into the city to fight your way to Yang.” 

Was this a plan to kill him this time? Would he at least finally get his chance to kill his enemy?

“You will follow the lead of your commanding officer,” She went on, “and you will fight to find and kill Yang.” 

Of all the things Chae could ask of him, that didn’t sound so bad. But he knew that part of the plan she had intricately set in motion was going to result in him meeting his end. She would get rid of him and that was what his family had feared.

“Is that all?” He asked. He was shaking waiting for the rest.

“More instructions will follow,” she said, “if you agree I will give you what you want. Enough of your medication to hold you over for the days you need, even with your high rate of consumption.” She was cruel. All that she was doing to him was cruel.

“I agree to do this,” Jinyoung said, “and whatever you ask of me. Wouldn't it be better to ship me out after you have more control of the Capitol?” Jinyoung remembered the main reason he hadn't asked to be out on the field himself was because of his ear. His dad had told him to give himself time for his ruptured eardrum to heal. Going out in two days would mean going into battle with that issue still unresolved.

He knew she didn't care at all, but wished he could delay the inevitable somehow. He needed to get out, to get off the drugs as much as he could before Chae could force him to do more.

"We don't have time to wait,” Chae said, "the people need to see you as nothing more than one of them, and they need it now. Your actions and escapades have caused people to look to you as something more but, make no mistake Jinyoung, you aren't what they need. If you continue to flaunt yourself to them as their savior the chaos will never end. You can start a revolution but you can't lead them to peace.”  
"And you can?" Jinyoung questioned, he wanted to know if this was all her plot to make a move for power. He’d never asked for either. He’d only done as he’d been asked. Everything she had done had been to secure her own place as ruler of Panem, that was what he believed.

"I do not wish to take power for myself,"—her words could easily be lies—"but to help stabilize things for the future. This will all go well," the cruel, self-satisfied smile returned to her face, "as long as you and I are honest with each other. We can do this together. Peace is what you want, even if you don't understand how it is obtained." Peace was what he wanted, it was all he wanted. For Yang and his reign of terror to end. His life would be a small cost for that.

"But anyways," Chae turned towards her desk and she opened a drawer and pulled out a pill bottle, "this is everything you need to make it through the next few days. More will be given to you when you report to your craft to be taken out." 

It hurt to reach out and take it from her, to accept the damage done to everything he’d once been. But he had to, President Chae had him so cornered there was nothing else he could do but to accept anything she wanted from him. He reached and grasped the bottle from her hand, and she let go. It was his.

"You've done your job so well up to this point Jinyoung," Chae said with a satisfied smile, "don't mess this up."—He nodded, he didn't know what to say anymore—"Dismissed." His heart pounded at that word, like the slamming of a cell door.

He turned and left the office faster than he had arrived .

He wanted out and away from all of it even if he knew there was no way to outrun it. He ran out to the top of the entire structure and out to a place he knew he could be alone. No one stopped him as he ran up to the surface. He ran into the forest and threw himself to the soft grass near the waterfall. He had done it to himself, he’d lost because of his own weaknesses. There was no one else to blame but himself. He had caused it. 

He cried, tears pouring down his face as he was forced to confront what he’d done. He wanted to scream.

The number of pills she’d given to him was sixteen for two days, as if she expected him to be taking eight a day. He wasn't on such a high dose, it was another way she was mocking him. He was only on 4 a day, but he had taken those four to sleep earlier and he was feeling the need for more. Especially after what she had just done to him.

He needed relief from the tension in his body. His chest was tight, his body running away from him with fear and anxiety. He had been given no choice because he had made the choice to lie and hide his weaknesses. He took one of the pills. Not enough to pass out, just to calm himself for the road ahead.

He was losing his mind, losing control. What she gave him was enough to end him if he wanted to take his exit early, but he wouldn’t do that. He couldn’t do that to the people he loved. Not when they had given him so much and he’d given them nothing in return but broken trust and lies. All Jinyoung could do was lay in the grass and stare at the bottle, his weakness, till the sun set.

He was scared, really afraid of what was about to happen to him. Everything that had happened meant he wasn’t his own anymore. Chae had complete control over him. After so long of wishing for freedom, escape, he had lost any chance of it. He couldn’t escape, he knew how bad withdrawal felt and knew it could potentially be much worse than he could imagine. He could die from it, she could choose to kill him by simply withholding the drugs from him and she could do so easily.

And she likely would, because if he didn’t die on the battlefield, no matter what game she played, he would remain a threat. She was very much like Yang, she would neutralize the threat the moment he wasn’t needed anymore. His life and existence was in the balance, at an edge and he needed help more than ever. He needed Jaebeom, he needed him…

There was a time when Jaebeom was the only one who knew his darkest secrets. Jaebeom was the only person who he had trusted to know everything. He needed that trust now, he needed it so bad. He had been ready to beg since he’d found out what was going on, so he would beg for Jaebeom whatever it took. He got up from where he was and headed back into base as dusk began to settle in.

—————

Jaebeom was about to fall asleep, his mind troubled from things that had happened that morning. The day had been similar to every other one, except he had advanced further than before in his physical therapy. He was close to getting out of the hospital and that thought was scary, because then he would have to make a decision about what to do once he was discharged. He was unsure what it would lead him to. He didn’t want to think too much about it. 

He was going to fall asleep when Jinyoung had entered.

His eyes had settled on the boy as Jinyoung had rushed in, eyes red, body shaking as he looked at Jaebeom. There were red flags Jaebeom counted, the way his fists were clenched. The way he’d burst through the door. The way he was breathing. Jaebeom could read things so easily, Jinyoung, his Jinyoung was falling apart.

The biggest red flag, Jinyoung looked scared.

Jaebeom hadn’t seen him look like that since before the 2nd games. His eyes looked wild, his fist was tapping his side. He looked like he was using all his focus and effort to keep from hyperventilating. Jaebeom felt rocked to his chore seeing him in such a state again. And everything in Jaebeom was screaming out as he looked. The morning’s breakdown still echoed within him and Jinyoung was there again falling apart.

“I need help,” Jinyoung broke down in seconds as he saw Jaebeom. He was crying and begging for help saying over and over that he needed Jaebeom.

And Jaebeom was shocked, his insecurities and his struggles all rose up like demons to try and fight him back. But Jaebeom didn’t want to be apart from Jinyoung, he didn’t want to be broken anymore. Jinyoung’s tears broke through the haze and madness in his own mind. Yang had poisoned them and Jaebeom had let it happen. But suddenly it didn’t matter what had happened in the past. It was like everything he had been living in didn’t matter anymore. 

Jinyoung was asking for help.

Jinyoung who had fought to get Jaebeom back, and Jinyoung who he loved. Jaebeom had never wanted to see Jinyoung falling apart again. What filled him was a strong need, he wanted to chase it away like he’d always done. He felt a flame rising inside him, and suddenly he wanted to rise against and destroy all Jinyoung’s fears.

Jaebeom got up and swiftly walked to Jinyoung. Each step strong, his recovery clear. He wrapped his arms around Jinyoung like he had so many times before. Jinyoung was sobbing, breathing fast and shaking but Jinyoung melted into him. Jinyoung clung to him as if letting go would cause something to drop and shatter to never be built again.

How could he have done what he’d done to Jinyoung? It made sense in his mind before but that didn’t make sense anymore. He’d denied them both happiness in denying his own desires. No more. The glass walls he’d built around were shattered.

“What happened?” Jaebeom asked, his mind started to remember how he used to speak to Jinyoung. Softly, always understanding of what he had been through. They weren’t so different then. Their paths hadn’t diverged at that point. But maybe the truth was their paths had been parallel all along. They were always moving together. Whatever had happened it was the tipping point. Jaebeom felt awake for the first time in months.

“I...” Jinyoung was trying to speak between desperate gasps for air “I lied to everyone and now it’s all falling apart. It’s all breaking apart...” Jaebeom didn’t understand what Jinyoung was saying.

“Jinyoung, slow down,” Jaebeom sought to stop him from running too fast with his words. He just wanted to know how he could help, how he could fix it.

“I want to run away,” Jinyoung cried, “but I can’t now. She’s got control.”

“Who does?” Jaebeom asked. He didn’t understand what Jinyoung was talking about.

“I couldn’t do it alone. I couldn’t chase the nightmares away,” Jinyoung said, “I’m not strong enough for any of this.” His words didn’t make sense.

“Jinyoung you need to be honest, to tell me what is really going on,” Jaebeom said softly in response, and Jinyoung shook his head. It was like before, when Jinyoung didn’t ever want to really talk.

He didn’t want words, he wanted Jaebeom and Jaebeom understood the unspoken language between them. That was how things had always gone, but Jaebeom couldn’t help him without words. He couldn’t see the things going on in Jinyoung’s mind without help because he simply didn’t know what had happened the past few months. He only had pieces. Pieces that weren’t enough to unravel the puzzle. He needed Jinyoung to tell him everything. 

“Jinyoung you have to talk to me,” Jaebeom said, “it’s different now, you know it is.” It was heartbreaking because he wished so badly that they could be on the same wavelength again. But they weren’t, it wasn’t easy.

“I _can’t_ ,” Jinyoung replied, “please don’t make me. Just tell me you’re here, that you’re going to be here, that you’re not going to ignore me anymore.” 

Could he really say that? Could he promise this? It was what Jinyoung needed, so he would have to. It was all he could do. He couldn’t ignore him anymore because Jaebeom finally realized he was hurting himself as well. 

He was wrong the whole time about everything he’d believed. Jinyoung still needed him, just like he still needed Jinyoung. They had always needed each other and maybe they would always need each other. He couldn’t understand his life before Jinyoung and he didn’t want an after. Neither of them did.

"I'm here, Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom said, he wasn't the same and he knew that but neither was Jinyoung. They had come too far to ever be able to be who they were before, but maybe they could be something new. Maybe together they could figure out the broken pieces of their wrecked lives if they tried to do it together.

He didn't press Jinyoung for answers, he just pulled Jinyoung to bed with him. The way they were molded perfectly for each other was never lost on him. It hadn't changed, how easily they could settle in clinging to each other. It was the most peaceful thing in their universe, simply relying on each other. Jaebeom held on as Jinyoung’s eyes slipped shut the storm stilled for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops almost forgot an authors note! Thank you all for reading and as a writer who craves validation I would like to ask for comments. 😂 thanks everyone.


	9. Captivity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung is caught between his lies and the people he loves. Everything is breaking down.

Dreams couldn’t reach him in the form of nightmares clawing at his subconscious. They were held at bay by the demon whose embrace was gentle, whose touch numbed the worst of emotions inside him and promised that it would protect him. Jinyoung’s dreams weren’t nightmares but floating clouds that were hidden from his view. Deep down under the influence, gone to the world. But the demon wouldn’t stay with him, it wouldn’t hold him forever and it released him slowly. And the clouds turned to flames that burned him, pain…

Dread logged itself within him, under his skin and in his heart as pain wracked through his body. It wasn’t just a dream that held him anymore. Dread filled him when he woke up in the middle of the night, in darkness, in Jaebeom's arms, his body withdrawn from the feeling brought on by the substance. It felt like once the demon left him that he was burning, his body had reached a point of being unable to stay calm on it’s own.

He woke up to the feeling of his heart pounding in his chest. He gasped, it didn’t feel right. His body felt warm and he was trembling with a feeling of anxiety. He moved as if he could make the feeling leave and he realized Jaebeom would wake up because they were so close. Jaebeom moved and Jinyoung knew it was too late, he was awake.

"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom said his name, "what's wrong?” Jaebeom was up over Jinyoung and he put a hand against Jinyoung's face, caressing it. Jinyoung looked up at him in awe, he was there. Jaebeom was right with him. So despite the pain in his body, the shaking, he just wanted to exist in the moment he was in.

"I'm fine," Jinyoung lied, he shifted closer to Jaebeom. He leaned his face to Jaebeom’s hand.

"Jinyoung something's wrong," Jaebeom said, "you're burning up!" 

Jinyoung wanted to wait out the withdrawal, hoping if he waited long enough it would go away. Maybe that would be the end of it, but he knew that wasn’t the case. He was fighting against an intense desire for more, his body was wanting more. His father had explained to him what a complete withdrawal could do. The drugs he was on needed to be slowly detoxed, there was no way for him to just quit them and survive. He was experiencing many of the symptoms and he was beginning to recognize them.

He couldn't tell Jaebeom about it. He needed more but he couldn’t reveal what he was doing to Jaebeom. He’d just gotten Jaebeom back, he didn’t need anything getting between them.

"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom said, "I'm going to go get help." He sounded scared.

"No," Jinyoung grabbed his arm, "don't go, don't leave me." Jaebeom couldn't get help, there was no one who could help Jinyoung. The way things were Jinyoung didn’t want to take a risk if the wrong doctors and nurses were on their shifts. He didn’t know if his father was in the hospital or back at their unit sleeping. He couldn't have any of that.

No one could know what was going on. Chae made that clear, no one could know. If Jinyoung messed anything up then she probably wouldn’t give him more, and he needed them. He had a thought then that he should let Jaebeom go for help, because if Jaebeom left he could take more, much much more. He could get a rush of calm and it wouldn’t take long if he could take them. It would chase away the heat, the shaking and the anxiety he felt in his chest.

“You’re not okay,” Jaebeom said, "I have to get help now. I'll be right back." Jinyoung's mind started getting hazy, he barely registered Jaebeom's words. His vision grew blurry, he felt like he was going to black out as his heart skipped a beat.

"No," Jinyoung said softly. 

"I'll be right back," Jaebeom related, then Jinyoung felt the gentle brush of his lips against his forehead, something he hadn't felt in so long. That feeling would have caused his heart to start racing if his heart rate wasn’t already elevated. His Jaebeom, his Jaebeom was back.

Jinyoung heard the sound of the door opening and closing as Jaebeom left. He knew he had his best chance to get his dose while Jaebeom was gone. He pulled the bottle from his pocket and poured some pills in his hand. He wasn't exactly sure how many he was taking, his hands were shaky. He could count the remaining later and determine how much he’d had. He downed the pills dry and hid the rest back in his pocket.

There was no real way for him to stop the symptoms but to take more. He didn’t know what would happen to his body if he didn’t take them. He had been abusing the pills for so long. He knew the consequences of letting withdrawal go on too long could be dangerous. They could be deadly, that was one thing he didn’t want to focus on.

"Jinyoung," He heard Jaebeom’s voice before the door opened again. There were multiple pairs of footsteps that he could hear. He laid in the bed still, breathing and waiting for the drugs to take effect. He would feel better when they did.

"What is he doing in the hospital overnight?" the nurse was asking the wrong question and Jinyoung almost laughed at the irony. With how dependent he was on the drugs he probably belonged in the hospital more than Jaebeom did. It was also ironic that the nurse Jaebeom had found was the same nurse he had gone through for his normal bottles. She knew about what he was on and she likely would be able to easily identify the withdrawal symptoms. 

"This doesn't look good," A doctor had followed. Jinyoung didn't recognize him but he didn’t look like he really cared. The nurse was the one leading on stepping in to look at Jinyoung.

"He probably has an ear infection," the nurse said she gestured towards the bandage on his ear, "the symptoms described would check out."

"That definitely could be the case,” the doctor said.

"I'll take a look," the nurse responded, "get back to the patient 26, they need more help right now." The doctor agreed and left, it was too easy. Jinyoung was still dazed waiting for the drugs to comfort his body. He didn’t want to move or acknowledge them, he just needed to wait for that sinking feeling of calm.

"I need you to sit up Jinyoung," the nurse said. Jinyoung didn’t make any move. He didn’t like that she knew his name and he didn’t know hers. He didn’t like that she was on Chae’s side, he didn’t trust her or anyone else. They were all complicit in his captivity, his imprisonment. 

"I'll help him," Jaebeom was still there and Jinyoung was glad for him. He went to the other side and lifted Jinyoung off his back. He held Jinyoung in a seated position and moved behind him to hold him up. Jinyoung leaned on him, he didn’t really need Jaebeom to help him but he didn’t stop him. He liked the attention, he liked leaning against him, being touched by him. After so long being ignored it felt good to have Jaebeom. Jinyoung felt like he could have fallen asleep in Jaebeom’s arms if his body was calm enough.

The nurse moved carefully to take the bandages off his ear, he was still as she did. He was sure she knew what was really going on, but she was moving in such a way to keep it a secret. It was always meant to be a secret, one he was unfortunately in on. The secret on how to destroy him was a cage he’d willingly walked into. The nurse used an instrument to look inside his ear to sell whatever lie she’d created about why he was sick.

"It's definitely infected," she said. He felt nothing in his ear, it was just a clever lie. He didn’t need to say anything on his own with Chae’s people around to uphold his lies. 

"Do you have something you can give him for it?" Jaebeom asked.

"Yes," she said, "I'll be right back." She got up to leave.

"You'll be okay Jinyoung-ah,” Jaebeom said to reassure him. He felt Jaebeom’s arm move around his waist, Jaebeom’s shoulder was at the back of Jinyoung’s head. Jaebeom all around him, it was all he wanted. He leaned into him, warm, content there.

"Yeah I will be," Jinyoung agreed. He could feel the drugs working as his body was becoming calm, leveling off. He smiled a bit because Jaebeom was definitely not running and hiding from him anymore. He felt better in Jaebeom's arms. He could feel Jaebeom breathing, living. They were together again and nothing else really mattered to Jinyoung. 

The nurse came back quicker than Jinyoung would have liked and she had a syringe in her hands, Jinyoung wondered if it was more of the benzodiazepine because she knew exactly what was wrong with him. He knew that she shouldn't give him more. He already had enough because his body was moving back to calm quickly. He backed away as she lifted it.

"No," Jinyoung said to her, "I don't want it." The suddenness of the situation alarmed him. A sense of panic fought against the drugs in his system to be made known.

"Jinyoung, this will help your ear to stop hurting,” The nurse said.

"No," Jinyoung responded. He was staring at the syringe in fear. He had been so out of it that he hadn't been able to register how much of the pills he had already taken. If he was given anymore he could be caught, he didn’t know if the other outcome was worse, it could actually kill him. If she gave him too much more it could slow his body down too far and he wouldn’t wake up again. 

"Jinyoung-ah," Jaebeom's arms were strong around him. Jinyoung needed Jaebeom to side with him.

"Just hold him still," the nurse instructed Jaebeom. Jaebeom thought all this was for an ear infection Jinyoung didn't have but Jinyoung was sure Jaebeom would listen to him above the nurse. Jinyoung tried to shrink away more towards Jaebeom. Jinyoung pulled his arms back away from her and was surprised when Jaebeom moved Jinyoung’s arm back towards the nurse.

"No Jaebeom," Jinyoung expressed in sudden panic. Jaebeom’s grip on his arm was strong, Jaebeom was always just a bit stronger than him. ”No, I don't need it. Please don't let her!” He was frightened, the outcome wouldn’t be anything good. Jaebeom needed to listen to him. He needed to really express his panic above the clam the drugs had given him, they were at war with what he knew he should be feeling.

"Jaebeom don't let her," Jinyoung begged and pleaded, "please don't!" He moved as much as he could to make it difficult for her to do anything. 

"Will you just calm down," the nurse demanded, "this will help you, I’m trying to help you.“ He didn’t believe her, he didn’t trust anything after what he’d experienced.

"No!" Jinyoung said as he attempted to move back farther, terrified. This time he felt Jaebeom’s grip tighten around him not to resist him, Jaebeom pulled Jinyoung back over himself moving Jinyoung almost completely to the other side of him away from the nurse.

"Enough," Jaebeom said, “don’t force him!’ 

"This is for his own good," the nurse declared, "this will help him recover." Jinyoung could feel Jaebeom’s grip tighten around him. 

"Jinyoung, what's really wrong?" Jaebeom asked, Jinyoung knew he could see there was more to what was happening. But Jaebeom didn’t have enough context to understand anything.

"I don't want it," Jinyoung said, he was close to hyperventilating from the panic of what was happening, "call my dad, get my dad. Please don't let her do this!"

"Jinyoung, it's okay, she’s just trying to help,” Jaebeom tried to say firmly but Jinyoung could hear he sounded unsure.

"It's not," Jinyoung replied, "it's really not. My dad oversees all the medication I am given! There is a reason for that," Jinyoung felt like he was going to cry, he looked up at the nurse who looked angry. “Just get my dad,” he repeated. He needed his dad, not the nurses who had substances he couldn't trust.

He needed his dad to help protect him, he was scared though that his dad would find out what he’d done. He had a thought that his own actions would be absolved if everything was blamed on the nurses. He just couldn't risk this nurse injecting him with anything and by the look on her face he knew she couldn't risk his dad finding anything out.

"That's not necessary," the nurse declared, “really this whole thing is routine.” 

"Jinyoung it'll be okay," Jaebeom told him. But Jinyoung didn't trust her to be anywhere near him. "I'll go get the other doctor to take a look." Jaebeom was trying to figure out how to help and how to keep him calm. Jinyoung didn’t want Jaebeom leaving him. 

"Is Dr. Jeong here?" Jinyoung asked the nurse, he wanted that doctor who had helped him with Mark, that man could be trusted. Aside from his father he trusted that man. He didn’t think that doctor was in on anything to do with what Chae wanted. He was different from the others.

"You don't need to be disturbing the doctors for this!" The nurse declared but Jinyoung was only looking to Jaebeom for help. 

"Get Dr. Jeong or my dad," Jinyoung told Jaebeom, "I don't trust anyone else." Jaebeom nodded and looked up towards the nurse.

"Come with me," he told her. Jaebeom got up and started to walk towards the door and the nurse did follow him. Jinyoung stayed sitting up and breathed in relief that Jaebeom was taking her, he didn't want her in the room alone with him. He didn't like the situation at all, and he was glad Jaebeom had listened, even with having no context to what was happening. Jaebeom didn't know that the nurses had injected him with drugs in the past.

When Jaebeom came back a few minutes later, it was with the same nurse speaking in an exasperated tone of voice. She was repeating over and over again that none of this was necessary and Dr. Jeong was there with them. 

“What could you possibly be injecting him with for an ear infection?” Dr. Jeong said, he sounded frustrated, “he already was on several rounds of antibiotics early on and since then he has been healing fine, there should be no other problems!” Jinyoung wasn’t aware that Jeong was so well versed in his medical history. Maybe he’d worked with Jinyoung’s dad.

“These are antibiotics!” The nurse exclaimed, “he was feverish and not doing well so I checked his ear and determined there were signs of infection!”

“His ear has been cleaned daily,” Dr. Jeong argued back, “there have been no signs of infection. If you had any suspicions you were to immediately take it up with his regular doctors, not go off the books trying to treat it yourself!” She seemed put out by the things he was saying but she didn’t respond. He just turned to focus on Jinyoung.

“How are you feeling?” He asked Jinyoung. 

“I’m fine,” Jinyoung responded, “I don’t need anything.” He just needed the commotion to end.

“He woke up feverish,” Jaebeom filled in, “I went to get a doctor, she checked his ear and said he had an infection.” Jinyoung should have known it would be difficult to get Jaebeom to move on from it.

“Let me look at it,” Jeong said, the nurse looked annoyed but she couldn’t fight him on it. Her behavior was already suspicious. Jinyoung sat straight for him as he held up equipment to accomplish the task and Jeong looked in Jinyoung’s ear. Jinyoung breathed steady, he had a feeling that everything was going to be okay and it wasn’t just because his body was artificially forced to be calm.

“There’s nothing,” Dr. Jeong spoke his words pointedly, “there’s nothing is wrong with his ear.” He put the instrument down and Jinyoung had already known the truth but hearing it was relieving. He wasn’t going to be forced to take anything from her.

“Then what the hell?” Jaebeom was looking between the nurse and the syringe with wide eyes. Jinyoung’s hands gripped at the blankets on the bed. He was sure he’d been right about his instinct on what she was holding.

“What is this?” The doctor asked the nurse. He reached and took the syringe out of her hand.

“It’s antibiotics!” She responded. Jaebeom’s gaze turned from the doctor and the nurse to Jinyoung. His brow was furrowed deep and Jinyoung could tell from his expression that he was trying to figure out what was actually wrong. Jinyoung knew he wasn’t going to let it go, it would have been difficult for Jaebeom to let it go before at least. Jinyoung wasn’t sure if he could get Jaebeom to let it go with how things had changed.

“Get some rest boys,” Dr. Jeong said as he turned towards the door and waved to the nurse to follow him, “you, to my office now!” The doctor and the nurse walked out of the room leaving Jinyoung completely relieved. Jinyoung laid back against the bed, feeling better with the confrontation over but Jaebeom was still standing and his eyes were on the door even though they’d both left already. When Jaebeom did turn back he looked confused and concerned.

“This doesn’t make any sense,” Jaebeom said. Jinyoung had already said too much to Jaebeom, he really didn’t need Jaebeom figuring out more of what was going on.

“I’m really tired,” Jinyoung whined, “can we just sleep.”

“Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said, he sat down on the bed, “what is going on? How did you know she was about to inject you with something bad for you? Did this… did they do this to you before?” He wouldn’t let it go.

“Yeah it happened before,” Jinyoung responded, “a few times.” He remembered all the injections he’d gotten when he’d first arrived in 13. They’d sedated him, shot him up with drugs that left him dazed. He remembered Jin being angry about it, but Jin didn’t really know the extent it had gone to.

“What was it?” Jaebeom asked, he looked suspicious, like he was trying to connect the pieces he knew. Jinyoung couldn’t pass it off as nothing after the way he had panicked over it but he couldn’t give Jaebeom more pieces.

“I can’t talk about this, it’s really painful,” Jinyoung responded, “can we please just rest now?”

“Jinyoung you woke up with a fever,” Jaebeom said, “you seriously looked bad, like your eyes couldn’t focus on anything. Something was wrong and you can’t tell me I was imagining it. What is going on?.” Jinyoung didn’t want him or anyone else to know, he wanted to rest and embrace what little time he had left.

“I’m fine now, just let it go,” Jinyoung said, “I really am fine!”

“I didn’t lose my memory,” Jaebeom said with a shake of his head, “I know when you say you’re fine it means you’re not! You came here crying about someone else having control, and you’re acting strange, then all this happens. What the hell is going on?” Jinyoung shrunk back a bit. He felt like he had no way out... But he couldn’t talk about it, he couldn’t say it. No one was supposed to find out how bad off things were. 

“Nothing’s going on,” Jinyoung cried, “please just hold me.” Jinyoung didn’t want Jaebeom to scold him and try to figure it out. He didn’t need that, that wasn’t why he’d gone to Jaebeom.

“Somethings wrong, I can’t do nothing!” Jaebeom declared.

“Of course somethings wrong!” Jinyoung cried, “everything is wrong! I’m being shipped back to the battlefield in one more day! I want to rest with what time we have, it’s running out Jaebeom!” He had said more than he meant to. The pressure that was on him was too heavy for him to bear alone. If he was going to have to go marching into the Capitol, he wanted to spend what time he had left with Jaebeom. 

“What do you mean you’re being shipped out?” Jaebeom asked, “your dad said you’d be here for a couple more weeks due to your ear.” Jaebeom had been talking to Jinyoung’s dad about him? What he said added to Jinyoung’s sadness over what was happening. His family had no idea what was about to happen.

“I’m going to fight,” Jinyoung said with tears in his eyes because it was more than that. He was going to die, that was what Chae wanted and she had all the power to see it through. He didn’t feel he was going to beat what she wanted for him.

“Jinyoung what is going on?” Jaebeom asked him once again, “what have they done to you?” Jaebeom’s hand reached for Jinyoung’s face as their eyes met. There were tears in Jaebeom’s eyes, frustrated tears as he was trying to figure everything out. Jaebeom was reading him, reading him like he always did. He knew there was so much more Jinyoung just wasn’t willing to say.

“You weren’t here,” Jinyoung said, “a lot happened.” Jinyoung leaned into his touch, it was all he really wanted.

“Whatever they’ve done, we can fix this,” Jaebeom spoke the words gently. Jinyoung could hear how unsure he sounded, everything about them was a mess.

“No, you can’t,” Jinyoung responded. Tears rolled down his face, “it’s too late! It’s too late to fix it.” It really was beyond all of them.

“Please Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said, “you can’t think like that. I’m here for you now, I really am. I want to help you!” He said so many words but none of them were the words Jinyoung wanted to hear from him. If he was going to die he wanted to hear Jaebeom said he loved him. But he didn’t say it, it was like he wouldn’t say it. Jinyoung closed his eyes to try and stop the tears. But why couldn’t Jaebeom just say the words Jinyoung wanted to hear?

Jinyoung leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Jaebeom. He buried his head in Jaebeom’s chest, he wanted to hide there from everything that was going to happen. It was frightening but feeling alone even in the arms of the man he loved, that was heartbreaking. He was scared he’d never hear those words again. Jaebeom’s arms did wrap warmly around him, but those words didn’t come. They were lost in an echo of a time when they’d been on the edge of losing.

“You always have a choice, Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said softly. He wished that was true.

“I know,” Jinyoung responded, “like I chose to rescue you, and you chose to ignore me...” It was a manipulative tactic to turn the conversation and Jinyoung felt bad for saying it. But Jaebeom couldn’t deny that was a choice he made.

“I’m so sorry,” Jaebeom responded, the words sounded so genuine, “I was so scared, but I’m here now and I’m trying. I promise I’m trying.”

"Jaebeom, I just want to sleep," Jinyoung said, "I just want to sleep and forget everything for just a bit. Can I at least have that?" He was growing more and more weary from the drugs, he wouldn't last much longer awake if he’d taken just a bit too much.

Jaebeom sighed, Jinyoung knew he didn't want to let it go. But if he was really reading Jinyoung he would read that Jinyoung needed what he asked for. It was raining in his heart, in what was left of his sorry existence. The storm was far from over, and he didn't know how much strength he had left. Enemies had torn him apart and he was alone, isolated in captivity. There was no way for him to win. The cameras would be put away and he was sure there wouldn’t be any more eyes on him when he finally did fall apart.

He would rather feel a little less alone for as long as he could. He wanted to feel like there was someone he could rely on even if it was just an illusion. In the end he couldn't even tell Jaebeom the truth. He couldn’t tell anyone the truth. He didn't want to tell Jaebeom his life was on the edge of ending. He wanted to believe they still had time.

All things had endings, he always knew that.

But in the midst of his darkest moment, he had found Jaebeom again. However it was that it happened he was just glad it had happened. Jaebeom wrapped him in his arms, and laid him down. And the drugs kicked in, he slept soundly.

—————

The next day Jinyoung was woken up by Jaebeom. Jaebeom’s movement, as Jinyoung was shifted in Jaebeom’s arms. He was laid on his back with Jaebeom’s arm tight around him. Jaebeom curled into the pillows staring at Jinyoung’s face. Jinyoung’s body felt heavy, weighed down by the power of the drugs. He held his head up slightly to look for Jaebeom but he dropped his head and turned to face Jaebeom then closed his eyes to sleep more. 

He felt Jaebeom’s fingers against his face and he almost flinched from not expecting it. Jaebeom brushed the bangs from his face like he had before, he caressed his skin like he had before. Jaebeom’s fingers wound through the strands of his hair, combing through it and Jinyoung basked in the feeling. He felt Jaebeom shift closer, it was like a dream. The warmth of Jaebeom’s body against his own. He shifted closer and opened his eyes again. He felt breathless staring at Jaebeom, he wanted to say three words with all his heart, a simple phrase of love. But he’d said it so many times and he was afraid of what he’d feel if Jaebeom didn’t repeat it to him.

Jaebeom was everything. Jinyoung loved his eyes, his face, the way he moved. Jinyoung reached his hand for Jaebeom’s face. His eyes moved finally able to see and gaze at him. He felt so much love, want. He wanted Jaebeom. He moved his hand to Jaebeom’s arm. He wished so much that things were the way they’d been before, the push and pull that kept bringing them closer and closer together had been everything to him.

Now he wanted to say words of love, wanted to taste Jaebeom’s lips but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He could only pretend for so long that everything was okay, that there was something they could have. But it was nothing, Jinyoung had nothing left to give Jaebeom.

He wished he could stay there forever but nothing was okay. His own choices, mistakes, lies, they hung over him heavy. He felt guilty for even being there, as if he deserved to have Jaebeom. Not with all he’d done. What was about to happen would damage everything, somehow he knew that and it burned. It hurt so badly.

Nothing was right anymore, and that day he had a set meeting with Chae about the roll out. She would once again reiterate the fact that he belonged to her and there was no way out. He had made the choices that led to that outcome, he’d done it on his own. He’d hurt himself. He closed his eyes trying to shut it out, to will it all away. He drifted back into a light sleep and when he woke again he was slightly startled out of his sleep by Jaebeom moving and speaking.

“Your dad’s here,” Jaebeom said softly, but still the sound of his voice disturbed Jinyoung’s slumber. He didn’t want to wake up but he opened his eyes and turned his head to see his dad was indeed there. His dad was there with a cart that had a tray of food on top of it.

“I heard about all the commotion last night,” his dad said. Jinyoung’s heart skipped a beat, he’d nearly forgotten about what had happened. He wasn’t sure he wanted to rehash it.

“It was nothing,” Jinyoung groaned. He turned over, laying flat on his back instead of turned towards Jaebeom. It was a bit awkward how closed they’d been with his father coming in. Jinyoung took a deep breath, he hoped his face wasn’t red.

“It was more than nothing,” His dad responded, “Dr. Jeong found out that nurse was trying to inject you with that same benzodiazepine they had you on before, and the dose she was planning on using was very high.” Of course they had found out what was in the syringe and of course Jinyoung’s suspicions had been correct. “Has Chae made a move?” His dad asked, completing his thought. Jinyoung didn’t want him to worry about such things. 

“No, she’s left me alone since I got back from District 3,” Jinyoung responded. He did think the nurse trying to inject him had been a bad blunder on her part. She might have been under the impression that he didn’t have any pills left, that he hadn’t gone to Chae. Maybe she really thought that she had been helping.

“This must have been an attempt to get you back on them,” his dad said. It was a logical conclusion from his father’s view. Jinyoung watched his expression though and saw deep lines of worry, the way his brow was furrowed. The way he looked at Jinyoung caused alarm to go off in Jinyoung’s head. There was no way his dad knew or suspected, he couldn’t…

“Yeah that’s why I wouldn’t let her inject me,” Jinyoung spoke calmly, as best he could, “I was really scared it was that and I didn’t… I didn’t want to go through that again.” He could say all of that honestly because it was scary, the idea of getting too much. But he felt the guilt becoming more overwhelming, his father had gone through so much and Jinyoung… Jinyoung had done it all again.

"Wait, what?" Jaebeom asked. Jinyoung hadn’t even thought of before, just how much Jaebeom had been trying to piece it all together with limited information. He was getting a lot more just by Jinyoung talking to his father.

"The substance they gave Jinyoung before," his dad said, "we never found out why he was put on something so addictive but we suspect President Chae wanted him addicted so she could control him." Jinyoung looked back towards Jaebeom alarmed. Suddenly it all clicked, Jaebeom had enough pieces with that statement alone. With that and the things Youngmin had said Jaebeom would be able to piece it together relatively fast. Jaebeom met Jinyoung's eyes, and Jinyoung saw he was working through it. 

"The important part is she didn't inject me," Jinyoung said, speaking to his father and to Jaebeom at the same time while keeping his eyes on Jaebeom, "thanks to Dr. Jeong and Jaebeom. That could have gone worse, but it didn’t.”

Jinyoung didn't miss the second the expression changed on Jaebeom's face. His face went white and his eyes bore a horrified expression of fear. And Jinyoung felt Jaebeom's hand under the blanket going to his pockets. Jinyoung looked at him shocked, he had pieced it all together that fast and was even reaching for the answer as to what had happened. Jaebeom’s hand was at Jinyoung’s first pocket but it had nothing.

Jinyoung grabbed his hand but he used his other one to touch Jinyoung's next pocket and his hand found the bottle easily. He looked at Jinyoung in shock, bare and open shock. He knew immediately what was going on, he knew that Jinyoung had been lying. Jinyoung’s heart started pounding as he realized it was all over. Jaebeom knew… Jaebeom could reveal it… 

"Well boys," his dad said, "I only brought enough food for one." Jinyoung was frantic about his father being there.

"It's fine," Jinyoung almost stumbled over his words. He was still looking into Jaebeom's eyes as he continued to speak, "I'll get some later, I have to leave soon." Jinyoung tore his eyes away from Jaebeom and looked back towards his father.

"Alright," his dad said. The man looked like he was about to leave but he paused to look at them, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah," Jinyoung said, "it's all good." Lies were easy for him, he’d learned if you said it with confidence it would be believed. He turned back to Jaebeom and looked into Jaebeom's eyes, begging and pleading for him to say nothing. Luckily for him, Jaebeom was the kind of person to demand an explanation for himself before he got others involved. Jaebeom nodded to Jinyoung's father, too many words would be abnormal for him. Jinyoung understood that much.

“Well, it is good to see you boys have made up," his dad said. Jinyoung was alarmed his dad was still there, with the way Jaebeom was looking at him in silent accusation that he was sure wouldn't last much longer. “I’ll be back later, I have another patient to check on. See you boys.” 

“Bye,” Jinyoung said, and he heard footsteps and heard the door close. 

Jinyoung was scared and Jaebeom looked completely betrayed, his expression was raw. It was nothing though compared to how his dad would feel if his dad found out. He couldn't believe the elder had connected it and found the drugs so quickly. He must have realized what the previous night really was really about, and what had really taken place. What Jinyoung had done was obvious with just the bit of information Jaebeom had gained. Jinyoung was caught and he didn’t know what to say.

"When did you become a liar?" Jaebeom questioned with a colder voice than anything he had used before. Jinyoung flinched. In all the time Jaebeom had spent ignoring him, the way he’d treated Jinyoung, it all felt like nothing compared to the cold way Jaebeom spoke.

"When it became necessary to be one," Jinyoung responded back defensively. He couldn’t just cower away, he didn't need to justify his choices to Jaebeom. Jaebeom wasn't there to experience what he had. 

"Nothing's going on?" Jaebeom threw his own words in his face, “I’m fine? Everything's fine? Everything's fine while everyone thinks you beat this, and here you are—“ Jinyoung didn't want Jaebeom's judgement.

"You didn't live with what I lived through!" Jinyoung fought back for himself. For his reason, the things he’d been forced through. No one else could understand the pressure he’d lived under and how he’d had nothing and no way to cope on his own.

"No, I _wasn't_ here, crying and getting myself addicted to drugs," Jaebeom responded, "I was dangling over pits of horrible creatures, being surrounded by fire and pumped with substances that you can't even imagine. I went through hell! Don't give me that _shit_ , you made this choice not your circumstances." Jinyoung felt tears in his eyes, he didn't want to be talked down to in such a way.

"You don't get it," Jinyoung spoke softer, his voice broke. Jinyoung had no way to make Jaebeom or anyone else understand. They simply didn’t live the life he lived. They didn’t have Yang and Chae both yanking them around, pushing them back and forth like a pawn. He was meant to be the king, the revolution, the one who could light the fire and save everyone. Every single move he made was filmed, everything he did was plastered on screens across the entire nation. He was victor, he was fire, he was everything they needed him to be and he gave all of himself till he was nothing. He’d just wanted peace, he’d just wanted rest.

"What don't I get?" Jaebeom asked, "that things were hard?"—He pulled the pill bottle out of Jinyoung's pocket—"That you'd rather die?" Jinyoung’s heart rate increased as he remembered that day, Jaebeom’s expression. It hurt, Jaebeom held it over him. "Is this what you want Jinyoung?" Jaebeom held up the bottle as if taunting him, "you want these to tell you how to live your life?" 

Jinyoung shook his head, he sat up in the bed and backed away, he wanted out of here, out of the fight. This wasn't Jaebeom as he remembered, Jaebeom was always brutally honest but the way Jaebeom held his mistakes over him… He would have never imagined something like that happening before.

"I didn't want it, I didn’t ask for this,” Jinyoung cried, "not at first... I was scared..." 

"Haven't you ever learned that making your decisions on fear can easily be your undoing?" Jaebeom asked, "why the hell do you think I had to save you from Zico? You were too scared to damn do as Jackson said and I had to pay the price for it!” His heart pounded, flinching once again because it was too much. Those words hit him hard, like a slap in the face. He’d always known there was something wrong, something between them with the way Jaebeom had ignored him. He never would have thought Jaebeom blamed him.

"I didn't ask you to save me!" Jinyoung found his voice to fight back as tears spilled from his eyes, "I never asked for anyone to save me!" It hurt more than anything, the truth coming out like that. Jaebeom had ignored him for months and pushed him away and Jinyoung had never wanted to think… of course Jaebeom blamed him. Jaebeom had been taken because Jaebeom had saved him when he hadn’t wanted to be saved.

"You never get it," Jaebeom replied, "that it isn't about asking, it's about what love really meant to me! Chae did threaten you didn't she? how deep in it are you?" He was sitting up saying those words so loud, they hurt. Jinyoung knew why he was asking how deep, how far gone Jiyoung was. He was asking if Jinyoung would die without the next dose or the dose after and the answer was likely yes. He was on too many, he couldn’t be without them. 

"She asked me to fight," Jinyoung lied, "I was already going to the Capitol for it. I’m going to lead the fight, we’re going to kill Yang and we’re going to end this. That is all.” He breathed a deep breath, as if gasping for the air around him. He grasped his hands together. 

"What did she promise you?" Jaebeom asked, "just these?" Jinyoung nodded. The promise of the drugs were all it took, she could make him do whatever she wanted and he would listen. 

"I can't make it stop," Jinyoung cried, "I can't stop it. I need them." Admitting that much hurt. 

"How many did you take last night?" Jaebeom asked, he dropped the bottle in front of Jinyoung. It was cruel, it hurt.

"Just stop it," Jinyoung said, "I don't need to answer to you about anything." 

"You want me in your life Jinyoung," Jaebeom argued back, "this is a part of it. You own up to this right now, and you tell me how long this has been going on and how much you're on and don't think I'm not telling your dad." Jinyoung’s heart stopped for a moment in his chest, he was sure it did.

"Please," Jinyoung cried, the drugs had turned him into a beggar, "I'll tell you everything, just please don't tell him. He can't know, please." This was his worst nightmare, being cornered at all sides for all reasons. First by Chae, and then by those he loved most. Every single person wanted complete control of him, they weren't different. 

“You can't keep running from this, we have to tell your father,” Jaebeom responded, "without him involved this will kill you, make no mistake about that." He saw fear in Jaebeom’s eyes and that fear was something Jinyoung understood. Jaebeom had pulled Jinyoung from the brink of death before. 

"I didn't want to die," Jinyoung shook his head as words started to come to him, "I just wanted to sleep. It helped me sleep, it helped me stay calm. No one understood why I panicked, no one understood the pressure, no one could help me. No one could understand..." Jinyoung cried sobs breaking from his body, "everyone was expecting me to be this hero. They were expecting me to start the war, to make the war so uncontrollable that the districts would win. No one could understand what that felt like, it's been hell since the day I got here. The arena never ended, the cameras never stopped filming. It kept getting worse and harder and I had nothing else. Nothing else could stop the anxiety, the pressure and the fear. I almost overdosed..." Jinyoung paused, "it was an accident but since then I'd been controlling it."

"That's what you think," Jaebeom responded, "but you can't control this, not really. It takes everything from you till your left here and now with nothing. Not trust, not your own agency nor a body you can rely on. Cause you can't just quit these, they own you now Jinyoung! And so Chae owns you, what does she want from you?" Jinyoung didn't want to talk about it, he knew what it was she wanted and he didn’t want to speak it out loud. He didn’t want to make it real with his words.

"She wants me to fight her war," Jinyoung responded, "to win her war." It was a half truth, like every other lie he’d told.

"Why would she want someone as broken as this?" Jaebeom pushed at him with words, "what reason?" 

"Because I'm her phoenix," Jinyoung felt the words burst out of him with emotion, “I’m fire, I light the fires of revolution, and then I dissolve to ashes in the end. That's what she wants." The metaphor was always cruel, he’d read it in one of Jaebeom’s books. The irony of being meant to be something majestic, to become nothing. Jaebeom's eyes looked scared and Jinyoung knew why, Jaebeom understood what Jinyoung was saying. 

What Chae wanted next was the end of the war and his death, his end. Jinyoung had to hold on, somehow he had to play her game long enough to keep holding on. There was no other way out, he had no doubt she had planned for the case that others found out. That she had planned to keep the supply out of any doctors hand. There was no way his father could get it to help him, there really was no way out. Jinyoung would die without it, he had to do as she asked.

"You're willing to be that?" Jaebeom asked him. His expression was emotional, shocked. 

"I never had a choice," Jinyoung responded, "I wanted to rescue you. I wanted to end this twisted fight with Yang, so I said yes. There was no other option but yes. There was never another option but for me to become this. If you know anything about this war you know that." Jinyoung grabbed the bottle from where Jaebeom had dropped it and stood up. It didn’t matter what he said, there was no way Jaebeom could understand. Jinyoung had never once been given a choice, from the moment he’d driven his sword into the ground he’d become the revolution. He’d become the hope, and no matter what he wanted he’d never be able to outrun it.

It was all breaking apart in front of him, the things he wanted and the things he was. He had probably taken 4 pills the night before. His tolerance for the substance was increasing again and that was the first step to overdose. The way things were going he could die one way or another. He was out of choices. He stood and stepped back away from Jaebeom and he turned towards the door slowly.

"Jinyoung!" Jaebeom called to him, "you can't walk away from this!" None of Jaebeom’s words mattered, none of them changed anything.

"Yes I can," Jinyoung responded, "because there is nothing left but this path before me. I stopped belonging to myself when I was reaped.” He breathed deep through tears, through pain. His life simply didn’t matter anymore and he realized it was time for him to stop pretending that would ever change. 

“Tell whoever you want what it is I’ve done,” Jinyoung spoke what he knew was his ultimatum, “I don't care anymore. I'll be dead by the time this ends anyways, maybe then everyone else can have peace." And he didn't walk away after that, he ran away. He knew Jaebeom couldn't follow because he wasn't discharged and Jinyoung could run faster and farther before Jaebeom could make a single move. Jinyoung had heard enough, he had enough. He couldn't bear it anymore. 

He descended into the lower levels, to a place far away that no one would guess. He went down to the bunker that they’d stayed in when the bombs had fallen. He went there to hide, where he’d been when Jaebeom’s warning had bought them time. His heart hurt in his chest as he laid in one of the beds staring at the bottle in front of him, the option placed before him. Chae’s cruel choice to give him enough to end it in darkness. He cried. It didn’t matter what he did, his life was over. He was completely, entirely alone.

He had somehow gotten Jaebeom back, and he had lost him just like that. Slipped away in a single moment, because his lies had unraveled and they would take everything from him in the end. 

He felt like he wasn’t even human anymore, he was living for the purposes of others. He didn’t know what else to do but to ask Chae for something, to ask her to let him leave early before anyone could confront him further. He didn’t want to face them again, he didn’t want them to see what he’d really become. Jinyoung had to get away from his family before it blew up in his face. He wanted to vanish, to end the war and vanish.

When his tears were spent, he got up from the darkness of the bunker. He went to President Chae and requested to go to the front early. He told her why. She was displeased but she put forward the papers immediately and within the hour he was on a hovercraft, a fresh bottle of pills in hand and heading to end the war.

That was all he was good for anymore.

Fighting, killing, ending things. 

If that was what he was, everything he was, then that was what he would be. He was just one child, but he was one who could take everything on himself and end the darkness in the world. 

He would take their suffering, even if it had to become his own to free Panem from chains. He guessed that was always his purpose.

—————

It was a mess the things that had happened, all of it was a huge mess and one he hadn’t been prepared for when he’d woken up that morning. Jackson had spent the afternoon trying to contact Jin and Namjoon in any way he could while the others got the launch schedule. The District 5 boys were on the front lines, they were the only chance left to find Jinyoung where he was gone. 

Jinyoung was gone. That was what they knew, they didn’t know the full story as to why. He never left for a mission without telling them before, and there was no way they could go to Chae and ask her what was happening. He’d been pulled in by Jinyoung’s father without a full understanding of what the situation was. Something had happened, Jackson knew Jinyoung would never run if something hadn’t happened. Jinyoung would only do such a thing if something became too much for him. He’d been pushed, driven to it.

“We can’t get a signal through to the front,” Wooyoung said, “that was the last thing I knew to try. The only thing we can do is go there ourselves.” Jackson had gone to JYP and Wooyoung for help. They had moved quickly to try but there was only so much they could do. 

Jackson was tired, sick and tired of all that had gone on. He couldn’t help but wonder what Jinyoung had been thinking. Jackson had done his best to establish trust with Jinyoung so that Jinyoung would choose to go to him if something was wrong. But Jinyoung was still guarded against everything and everyone. Jackson had hoped that if they could get through to Namjoon and Jin then they could intercept Jinyoung and protect him. Unfortunately there was no way to do that.

The signals through the districts were all jammed. The next best thing was to get on a launch the next day and hope they hadn’t sent him to the city yet. Jackson didn’t like the idea of waiting a whole day. He didn’t know what would happen. If Jinyoung was bent on running, he would easily avoid the others even knowing he was at the front. Though Jackson was sure if someone saw him word would travel fast. He was the most famous face in Panem.

“Who was the last person to see him?” JYP asked. The other man had an expression of deep concern on his face.

“Jaebeom,” Jackson responded, “he told us something was wrong but I wasn’t given the details, just asked to help.” He’d briefly seen Jaebeom for the first time in months, and from what he’d seen Jaebeom had been crying. Something definitely had gone wrong.

“Well we have a bigger problem now,” Wooyoung groaned in frustration, “all flights for tomorrow were cancelled. We can’t go after him.” Jackson was surprised.

“That can’t be right!” Jackson exclaimed, “most of the troops are still here!” Chae had made a declaration that District 13 was moving in with their troops to aid in the Capitol siege. After holding back the bulk of her army for so long, Jackson was surprised that she’d send a few then still hold them back. JYP shut his eyes like he was thinking. Jackson was frustrated, if they couldn’t get to Jinyoung... He didn’t want to think on what could happen.

“Wooyoung,” JYP said, “when do the units head out and can we potentially track Jinyoung’s unit?”

“I don’t know what unit he is in, so I don’t know when he’d move into the city, but we can track all the units,” Wooyoung said. “Chae wanted it that way so we could be efficient in our movements.” The fight was a difficult one.

“Knowing that, if we can get to the front we can get to him,” JYP said, “we’ll worry about Chae later, we gotta move fast.” He stood up.

“Wait, what?” Jackson asked. JYP seemed to have his own plans.

“I’ll fly you and anyone else who wants to go to him in my own hovercraft,” JYP replied, “that way, if Chae asks any questions no one disobeyed her orders.” Jackson knew that JYP would do a lot for Jinyoung, but he didn’t know how far the man would go. He could potentially make Chae his enemy by making a move that went against the orders she had laid out. Though to be fair Jackson and the others were not in her army, they were just refugees. 

“We need to tell the others,” Jackson said, understanding his meaning, “then we’ll go.” They would have to move fast though and he wasn’t going to reject JYP’s help. JYP nodded to him and Jackson got up and ran. There wasn’t going to be much time, they had to get to Jinyoung fast. 

Jackson ran through the halls not caring about the looks he got. He didn’t care about who he disturbed or if the sour people of District 13 were mad at him for doing so. He didn’t care what else was happening, they just needed to get to Jinyoung. He ran to Jinyoung’s family unit and there he found Jinyoung’s dad, Youngjae who was crying, Mark, Taehyung, Yugyeom and Jaebeom. Jaebeom was out of the hospital and from Jackson’s view he looked strong. He was standing, his expression distraught. 

“We have a way to find him, all the units have tracking systems,” Jackson declared as he rushed into the unit, “and JYP will take us to the front!” He didn’t know who ‘us’ was going to be out of those who were there but he was going to go after Jinyoung. He would do everything to keep Jinyoung safe.

“Oh good,” Mark responded to the news that Jackson had brought first.

“We have a lot of problems,” Youngmin spoke second and he looked to Jaebeom, “the biggest one is going to be Chae. Yang can’t hurt Jinyoung, his ending’s coming but Chae could kill Jinyoung easily with the path he’s on.” Jackson looked at Jaebeom’s expression and saw that, aside from the fear in his eyes, there was something of guilt there.

“And he knows that,” Jaebeom added, his voice soft, broken, “he’s accepted it.”

“What happened?” Jackson asked. He had been watching Jinyoung for weeks and carefully monitoring him to make sure he was okay. Jackson was sure he would have noticed if something was wrong. 

“It’s the drugs,” Mark said, “it’s always those damn drugs!” Jackson was shocked, completely shocked and perhaps he shouldn’t have been. Maybe he’d been too trusting all along.

“He played us,” Youngmin said, “I suspected, I knew it went too easy…” 

“And we were right,” Taehyung said, “it was always Chae who wanted him on them.”

“How did we find out?” Jackson asked, figuring Jaebeom was involved. He was probably involved in the worst sort of way given how Jinyoung reacted. And somehow Chae was involved. It was all falling apart and Jackson was the one who should have noticed before it got so bad.

“Jinyoung came to me scared yesterday night,” Jaebeom said, “I didn’t know what was going on but a lot happened and this morning I found the drugs on him. We fought about it, he told me a lot and he ran away.” The way Jaebeom spoke was soft, and Jackson felt there was little confidence in him to even speak those words. It was apparent how there was a difference in him after what he’d experienced. 

“That’s the condensed version,” Youngmin said, “I should have known he was sleeping deeply at times, he was acting off. I tried to find evidence, I tried to catch him, but I had nothing to go off of. I held back when I should have said something. I should have noticed sooner how bad it had gotten.”

“I should have noticed too,” Mark added with a sad voice, “he was having issues sleeping the other night and he was shivering. It wasn’t cold.”

“What matters most now is getting him back,” Jackson said, it didn’t help them all to blame themselves for it, “we can figure it out once we get him away from where Chae can reach him.”

“He’s stubborn,” Youngmin said, “and he believes his job is to kill Yang. Stopping him will be impossible.”

“Then we find him and we stay with him, we go with him,” Jackson said. It was obvious now, they didn’t need to fight Jinyoung’s will anymore. They needed to let him know they were there, they weren’t leaving and they would make it out together. That would help him more than forcing him to return with them. He hated when people fought against his will. Jackson would take control of the situation the best he knew how, by letting Jinyoung find his strength and staying with him till he did.

“I am going and Jaebeom you’re coming with me,” Jackson declared, “we’ll bring him back alive. I promise you all that.” He would follow through on that promise. Jackson knew he was dangerous when he put his mind to something. 

“I wish I could go,” Mark said with a huff.

“I wish we all could,” Taehyung said, “but can I at least come on the flight over?”

“Yeah and me!” Yugyeom added himself in as well.

“We know the Capitol!” Taehyung said, “we could help you get around!” He knew they wanted to help, it would be dangerous but they were right that they did know the Capitol.

“I don’t like the idea of bringing you both,” Jackson replied, “but it is your own decision and you’re allowed to decide for yourself.”

“We’ll at least go to the front,” Taehyung said, “even if we stay out of the city.” Yugyeom nodded.

“Alright,” Jackson agreed.

And the plan was settled. They would stay with Jinyoung, help him and bring him home alive. They wouldn’t let Chae have her martyr, he would live. That was the goal. They would save him so he wouldn’t be a sacrifice for their own peace. Jackson wanted Jinyoung to live to find happiness because it was what he deserved after the shit he had been put through. First by Yang and then Chae. Jackson wouldn’t let any of it continue on. When the war ended, no one would ever be allowed to hurt Jinyoung again.

They would all be willing to give their life for him. Because that was what love was. Sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is what I consider one of the lowest moments of the series. I am sorry for what sadness it is, there are more bleak things ahead but there is hope now that the fight is moving to the Capitol. Thanks to all my longtime readers and newer readers. Please comment and let me know what you think, leave kudos, bookmark, share. Thanks so much to all who comment, it means a lot to me even if I am slow to respond. <3


	10. The 76th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Capitol becomes the stage for the 76th Hunger Games as Jinyoung begins his journey through the outer layers of the city. Jaebeom must get to Jinyoung and he needs the whole team on his side.

Youngmin stood staring at the ramp of the hovercraft. The boys would be off as soon as the sun set, they’d be going out to fight on a battlefield that would be horrific. He was a broken man, thinking through the things he’d done wrong and the mistakes he’d made. Jinyoung was gone, and it was his fault for not calling out the signs he saw. 

He’d suspected for so long that Jinyoung was hiding something, lying about being okay. He’d deluded himself because he’d wanted to believe in Jinyoung. He’d wanted to place trust in the boy after everything they’d gone through he’d hoped Jinyoung would trust him in return. Youngmin felt his failure completely, he’d failed to protect Jinyoung from everything used against him. 

He’d known and he’d failed his beloved Ji-ae’s child. He’d promised her that he would protect Jinyoung, that he would always protect Jinyoung. No matter what happened, no matter what came against them. He couldn’t keep that promise from inside the underground district surrounded by Jinyoung’s enemies. He wanted to go with them, but he would be of no use to them where they were going. The outer parts of the Capitol had become another arena. It was poetic almost that such a place would be where the boys would have to go to find Jinyoung. To pull him out of yet another Hunger Games.

But had the Hunger Games ever really ended for Jinyoung? Youngmin wasn’t sure that it was ever anything but a game from Jinyoung’s first moments. His first steps and what Youngmin and Ji-ae gave for him. He remembered when they’d promised they’d be in it together. She’d gone too soon. Everything that meant weighed on him through the years, and the events that followed were not shocking to him. What was shocking was that one of his boys hadn’t been reaped sooner, especially with Jinyoung recklessly putting his name in for more food over and over again.

Jinyoung was strong, he was brave, he was remarkable and that was what Youngmin had put in front of himself. That was how he’d blinded himself to what was happening. Because he’d wanted to focus on the strengths Jinyoung possessed in hopes Jinyoung would see them himself. He wasn’t just defined by his mistakes. That was something Youngmin wished he could tell the boy. If Jinyoung hadn’t run, he’d hold that child close again and tell him who he really was. 

Jinyoung was the reason Youngmin and Youngjae had survived in 12 all those years. Jinyoung had always been strong. Youngmin felt tears in his eyes as he thought of what the boy had endured for so long. He wondered how different things would have been if he had been the one to die instead of Ji-ae.

He looked up as Jackson and Jaebeom walked together towards the boarding ramp. The two of them were very different but, as it was, they had the best chance of getting through to Jinyoung, of rescuing him from Chae and Yang. Jackson nodded to him and continued into the ship while Jaebeom hung back. The expression he wore was one that lacked confidence. Youngmin did feel Jaebeom was physically strong, but it still felt strange sending him out so soon. It was his own choice, and Youngmin respected letting him make his own choice.

Jaebeom stood in front of him silent, he was used to the boy’s silence. Youngmin reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. He could see Jaebeom’s worries. Jaebeom had been breaking down when he'd told Youngmin everything that had happened with Jinyoung. It wasn’t fair, the things the boys had been put through.

“You’ll find him Jaebeom,” Youngmin said softly. 

“And what will I say to him when I do?” Jaebeom responded. Youngmin didn’t know himself what he would say. He just wanted to hold Jinyoung and apologize for failing him. He had failed Jinyoung more than any of them. 

But Youngmin breathed deeply as he thought of what really mattered. They couldn’t wallow in mistakes, the past, the things they’d done wrong. They had to focus on how to help Jinyoung move forward, and to do that he needed to be reminded of who he was.

“You tell him he’s strong,” Youngmin said, “you tell him he’s loved. He lied to us but above all he’ll be lying to himself now.” Youngmin knew that Jaebeom loved Jinyoung, that he would figure it out. They would figure it out once they found him. They wouldn’t be alone in it either, they would meet up with their friends and figure it all out together. Jaebeom nodded to him and turned away, no more words needed. Jaebeom stepped up the ramp to follow after Jackson. 

Youngmin turned away from the ship but, as he began to walk away, his eyes landed on another man walking hastily towards the ship. His fist clenched as he easily recognized the man as he made his way towards the ramp. Youngmin couldn’t stop himself from glaring at JYP. They locked eyes but JYP didn’t say a word as he walked by. When they saw each other, it was as if they were the only two people in the world who knew… there was much more to Chae. JYP knew and he’d still brought Jinyoung right to her. JYP knew and he still let things play out. 

Youngmin knew yet he’d not done enough himself.

Neither of them were blameless in what had happened and what was coming. Not a word was said as they passed each other. There was nothing to be said.

——

The flight to the Capitol was a miserable experience. The pressure from the hovercraft being so high up made Jinyoung’s ear hurt, which caused a headache to form at his temples. The medic on board had fitted him with a small device to keep the opening to his ear covered and protected in an attempt to ease the discomfort. It was all they could do given the short notice about him being added to the ship with such a condition. 

Shownu was upset with everything it seemed. He was upset that the launch was suddenly moved up a day without explanation and he was upset that he had found Jinyoung on board. Shownu had found him while walking through the ship. Jinyoung had tried to silently slip aboard without causing any sort of scene but there were whispers everytime he walked by anyone. Every single person on the ship knew who he was, there was never any quiet way to board or get through the flight. 

It had been uncomfortable as he sat back and tried to hide. Shownu had found him and realized something was wrong with his ear. So he’d left one of his men with Jinyoung and found a doctor to address the problem. The doctor didn’t have knowledge of Jinyoung’s injury or what treatments he had received, so he’d just covered the ear and given Jinyoung painkillers via injection. Jinyoung wasn’t upset with being given painkillers, it helped make the flight more bearable.

Jinyoung felt numb and dead inside as he took the injection. His mind could barely think thoughts from the false sense of calm brought on by the drugs he’d taken before he’d gotten on board the ship. After the medic helped him, Shownu brought him to where his team was and gave him a bed to let him sleep. Shownu was hovering and acting protective but Jinyoung was too weak to care. He felt comforted by Shownu’s actions so he let the man be that way. Jinyoung was just glad someone existed who wasn’t looking at him like he was the most horrible person left on the planet.

Even with the false calm of a dangerous substance, Jinyoung couldn’t get Jaebeom’s expression nor words out of his head. It hurt to be called out the way he had been. It hurt to be talked down to for his own choices. It hurt that Jaebeom was right in everything he’d said. Jinyoung had caused his own downfall, he was his own worst enemy. Jinyoung had chosen to walk into the cage that had been made for him, even when he was made aware of what the potential consequences could be.

Jinyoung had no hope for his future, he didn’t know how many more days he would survive. In facing the inevitability of his own demise, he hoped what little he could do in ending the war would at least mean something. That was the only way any of his pain would be worth it, if he could buy a future for Panem with his life. He’d mostly made the wrong decisions before, the fight ahead of him was his chance to do one more thing right. 

He took two more pills to get himself to sleep deep. He didn’t care about how many it took anymore to put him out. He’d accepted his fate, whatever it was; if he woke again he would continue forward like he always did. He slept numbed down, calm and at peace. It was a feeling he couldn’t get from anywhere else but from the drugs. It was the reason he was addicted.

Sometime later, Jinyoung woke up confused because he was no longer on the hovercraft, he’d managed to sleep through the whole flight and beyond. When he opened his eyes again, he found himself on a soft bed in a dark colored tent. He shifted to look around and saw Shownu standing in the entrance of the tent talking to someone. There was light outside streaming in. Jinyoung didn't really know how he got there but he concluded they couldn't wake him up. He should have thought of that potentially being a problem.

He groaned, his head was hurting. That happened the last time Jinyoung took too many but he assumed it was made worse with the ear issues he was having during the flight. He’d thought he was healing well before getting a wake up call with the pressure in the air. His ear was not ready for him to be out in the field, but he couldn’t change that.

"He's awake," Jinyoung recognized Minhyuk’s voice speaking, and squinted to see it was him who was with Shownu at the entrance of the tent.

"Jinyoung," Shownu said. The soldier approached where he was laying on a cot, "what the hell is going on here?" He was surprised Shownu seemed upset, angry even.

"Please don't talk so loud," Jinyoung whined, his head was hurting badly. He sat up in the bed. He wished they would shut the front of the tent to block out the light. 

"You were knocked out cold, we couldn’t wake you!" Shownu exclaimed, "I thought you were dead but you were breathing. We got help and the doctor said you were fine but on heavy tranquilizers? Why the hell would you be on something like that?" The secret was apparently not worth hiding anymore, Shownu was told already and would be judging him.

"Panic disorder, anxiety, insomnia, trauma," Jinyoung responded, "there are a list of reasons." Jinyoung didn’t have it in him to care about it anymore. There was no reason to hide what a mess he was when everyone already knew. 

Shownu’s face softened, he didn't know the whole of what had happened and that Jinyoung had lied about anything. Shownu had heard about the drugs from a doctor so he might truly believe it was necessary for Jinyoung to have them. Unlike the others he could be talked down.

"It still wouldn't explain why you're allowed to take so much we can't wake you up!" He seemed very concerned but it was none of his business, nor any one else’s. 

"Maybe I wanted to," Jinyoung said coldly, he was sick and tired of all of it. He didn’t understand why everyone wouldn’t just leave his choices alone. It was his life and his choice. He deserved the right to make that choice.

"Jinyoung, what's gotten into you? This isn’t right, this isn’t right at all!" Shownu said, "you shouldn't have been on the launch today, not in this condition. And you weren’t just on launch, you’re listed as conscripted under this army. Why are you here?"

"I'm here for my mission," Jinyoung responded, "to kill President Yang." That was the reason Chae had sent him to fight, to end both Yang and himself. Jinyoung was meant to end all her enemies and give her the clear path to leadership of the entire nation. 

"Well you were assigned to my unit," Shownu responded, "and I don’t like it. You can't come out like this. You're not okay, you need to be sent to medical and evaluated by the district doctors, not Chae’s lackeys." 

Jinyoung found it interesting Shownu would say such a thing since Jinyoung always equated him with the President of his district. Shownu served 13, Chae was the leader of 13. Yet he seemed to be different in his thinking.

"You know, I have never actually been okay. Not since before my first arena," Jinyoung replied, he threw up his hands then brought them down to his legs. He was exhausted. “My mental state was never enough of a concern to stop you or Chae or anyone else from sending me on missions. Don’t act like some saint or guardian now. I am the revolution. I'm going no matter what you say." 

He knew Shownu couldn't stop him even though he wanted to. Chae wanted Jinyoung in the field, those orders came directly from her so that was where he would be.

"We're leaving in an hour," Shownu looked sad. “Our time frame was moved up again. That keeps happening, and it feels like it's related to you. What has Chae done?" 

Jinyoung found it interesting again that he questioned Chae’s involvement. Her name was likely on every order. Maybe the people of District 13 were as suspicious of her as Jinyoung’s family had been. But he’d heard she had been elected, it was an interesting thing to consider.

"She gave me my chance to end this war where I wanted to end it," Jinyoung lied. He was too good at it. “I wanted to go in as a soldier without cameras, to do my job as one of the people, not as someone above them. That’s what I am here for.” 

“Well,” Shownu sat on the bed next to him, Jinyoung could see his brow furrow deep, “if that is the case you’re not leaving my side. We’re in this together from here forward.” Jinyoung was fine with that. Shownu couldn’t get him taken off the mission so they would have to go in together.

It wasn’t long and their time came. They entered the city as a small team of just 10: Shownu and the 6 members of his special task force, Jinyoung, Fei, and another woman named Min. Chae had been merciful enough to Jinyoung to give him a familiar team around him. He was glad of that much. 

As they prepared to leave, Shownu briefed them on what the situation in the Capitol would be like. Yang had made the outer ring of the city a dangerous arena-like zone.

There were pods, which contained all sorts of traps and challenges, littered throughout the city. Each team leader had a device that had a map of the known pods, and which could detect pods as they walked. As they found new pods or activated pods, their devices would record the locations in a larger database for the rest of the teams. It was the device that District 3 had developed after Jinyoung had helped them take back the labs. It also allowed HQ to track each team's location to know how far in they were getting. 

The overall goal was to get a clear picture of the outer layer of the city, to route the larger army into the Capitol’s territory. Jinyoung’s team was a part of a 3rd wave of teams trying to get through now that much of the city had been mapped. The goal was for them to get in and try to meet up with others to take the city. 

Shownu described some of the traps they'd seen, and described how many game makers they assumed were working to make it worse. There were times new pods had been added and thrown off their maps. From the first two waves of teams there had been many losses.

What they were about to walk into wasn't just a siege or battlefield, it was almost fitting what was ahead.

The Capitol was an arena and this was the 76th Hunger Games. The odds were not in their favor.

—————

Jaebeom didn’t know what to do, what to think, what to say to the others. He’d been in the hospital so long, and captivity before that, he’d forgotten what it was like to be around the others. Jackson was so assured, so driven by what he knew he needed to do while Jaebeom felt completely lost with what was happening. 

He’d been angry, scared and angry when he’d realized what Jinyoung had done to himself and to all of them. So many times when Jinyoung had spoken to him it had just made him angry. Jaebeom trembled from where he hid aboard the hovercraft. In a back corner, he made himself small as he wondered how Yang had somehow poisoned him against Jinyoung. He wondered how Chae had poisoned Jinyoung against Jaebeom and everyone else. He couldn’t understand what was happening and why. Why had it happened to them?

What had he done? 

Jaebeom had been shocked, hysterical even once he fully grasped everything that Jinyoung had said to him. What had he done but tried to fix it? He’d tried to force control over what was in front of him and he’d pushed Jinyoung away in the worst sort of way. 

Jaebeom didn’t get it, he didn’t understand why things had gone so horribly wrong. He’d just wanted to help Jinyoung, stop Jinyoung from crying again yet his emotions had been out of his own control. Jinyoung made excuses, Jaebeom couldn’t stop himself from vitriolic words. In the hours he’d had to think over what had happened he’d realized, he’d done wrong. He’d had Jinyoung right in front of him, Jinyoung who was falling apart in his reach and instead of helping he’d pushed him away.

He’d just been so angry, so overwhelmed by what reality was. Jinyoung was a liar. Jinyoung was destroying himself with his eyes wide open to what was happening. Jinyoung had knowingly handed control of his existence over to someone else and he wasn’t sorry for it. That had made Jaebeom so angry, because Jinyoung was only upset about the idea of others finding out, he wasn’t really upset by the idea he could die.

Jaebeom had pushed and pushed and fought back against his own feelings. He’d wallowed in his own misery and tried to keep his walls high so no one else would be hurt by them. But Jinyoung was hurting and somehow Jaebeom couldn’t help but feel like he bore some of the blame. 

Yet he’d blamed Jinyoung for his own pain, his own decisions, his own choices. Jaebeom felt empty pain gnawing at his chest. He felt the edges of the same anger he’d felt when he’d realized.

Jinyoung was addicted to a psychoactive drug, one that he was so deep into that he had been willing to lie to everyone. And when Jaebeom asked why, Jinyoung’s response had been that he’d wanted to rescue Jaebeom. That he’d been willing to throw his whole self away to rescue Jaebeom. Those words burned, they hurt him. He’d pushed just as hard blaming Jinyoung for his own trauma. 

All Jaebeom could do is sit small in the back of a hovercraft wallowing. Because he’d had Jinyoung right in front of him, the truth right in his hands and he’d taken things into his own hands. What he’d done was cause Jinyoung to run, and in causing Jinyoung to run Jaebeom was scared they wouldn’t find him again. And if they didn’t find him again… Jinyoung’s last words to him would be ones that would haunt him forever. It was cruel, absolutely cruel of Jinyoung to say those things to him, to mean those things.

But what had he done? Jaebeom knew he wasn’t blameless. 

How could he have hurt the person he loved? Why was he so messed up in his own head, that when Jinyoung called to him for help he’d pushed Jinyoung away?

If Jinyoung died, he’d die without knowing that Jaebeom really did love him. 

Did Jaebeom love him? 

Of course he did. Jaebeom fooled himself from the first moments he saw Jinyoung. He thought he could manipulate a boy who was the perfect candidate to finally beat Yang at something. When Yang had told him that he would always be alone, that he would never have a victor. That he would never win… Jaebeom knew the moment Jinyoung shouted at him that this was his chance. Jinyoung was more than Jaebeom could have dreamed of. Jinyoung was strong, brash, brave, incredibly stubborn, and his strength, his goodness, it all had changed the entirety of a nation. 

In every action Jinyoung took, Yang’s power started to fall apart before his eyes. Jaebeom had dreamed of it but it was more than he’d ever imagined, and he’d never counted on losing out on his own heart. 

When he realized he was in love with Jinyoung, it was far too late to get out. And Jinyoung had become his whole world, taken the heart of him. Jaebeom would have done anything to see Jinyoung live, to rescue him from the dark of an arena rigged against him. Yang’s death trap was impossible for Jaebeom to defeat on his own.

He’d taken the only options he’d had. He’d made alliances, made agreements and accepted that he wasn’t going to make it. But somehow Jaebeom had made it and with all that had happened he’d lost part of himself. All along there were battles being fought and he’d laid alone in a hospital room wasting away in his own mind while the whole world kept spinning. He wasn’t a hero like those in the books he’d read, he was a coward. 

He’d been ready to go for a long time and he’d stayed still, in place, hiding how well he was doing to keep to that one small room. Because he’d had no plans after saving Jinyoung’s life. He’d had nothing left when he’d chosen to die. He didn’t understand the person Jinyoung had become, he had no idea what had gone on. He felt so lost in his own head, because he realized he’d done damage. 

What kind of a person was he if he’d hurt Jinyoung? But Jinyoung had hurt him too. They’d scratched at each other, they knew each other too well. Jinyoung knew all Jaebeom’s weaknesses, because Jaebeom had let Jinyoung get close. Jaebeom had been all walls and isolation before Jinyoung had entered his life. He’d let them all down for that boy. That strong, wonderful, beautiful human he knew Jinyoung was. Jaebeom had once lived so afraid of his love being thrown back in his face. He’d lived wondering what would become of him if Jinyoung didn’t love him in return. He’d been foolish, because of course Jinyoung had loved him. 

Jinyoung had sought him in the darkness and they’d created a safe haven, a beautiful world for each other. The day’s they’d spent in the warmth. Sometimes Jaebeom wanted to go back, but he wondered if he’d idealized it. Jinyoung hadn’t really been himself in that time and Jaebeom had been scared of his own feelings. There were always things coming between them. He only remembered it as a better time because, in comparison to how things had turned out, it was good.

Could they have better? Could the war really end? Would they save Jinyoung in time? Was there anything left for Jaebeom and Jinyoung to reclaim of their fucked up love story? 

After what he’d done did he deserve a second chance? Did Jinyoung? Yes, Jaebeom answered for himself. Jinyoung deserved every chance, because Jaebeom loved him. Jaebeom had always determined he would fight for him, die for him, and all he’d wanted in return was Jinyoung to live for him. He guessed it was selfish. They would both have to fight to live this time, that was the only way to find out what they could build of a life together.

Jaebeom finally felt through tears and shaking limbs that he was ready to fight. He wanted to fight. He wanted to face down every enemy they had and destroy them all. Be it Yang or Chae, he was ready to once again stand against them. 

Yang had tried to tear apart his will, to dig out his soul with words of doubt and with unimaginable torture. Jaebeom wasn’t trapped there anymore. Yang had nothing, no hold on him anymore. He was remembering who he was, who he really was. He’d survied years of Yang’s mental torture in his childhood, years of pain and years of building strength to stand against his enemy. 

Jaebeom was still that boy who’d fallen in the fire and gotten back up to find water. Jaebeom was still the boy who stood up for himself. He was still the boy who lost everything and lived because he pulled himself up every single time to keep himself moving. His heart was a furnace of flame, at a time fueled by the desire for revenge and the destruction of the man who’d taken everything from him. Now the flames burned not just for vengeance, but for something much stronger. He felt a protective fire for the boy he loved. 

Jaebeom just hoped he would find Jinyoung again. He hoped he would find Jinyoung and that when he did that there was something left to save. Like when Jinyoung had found him again.

——

Night had fallen when Wooyoung finally piloted the ship down the people of Panem’s massive encampment outside the city. Jaebeom watched as the ship landed, his heart was pounding as he saw the sight of the lights of the Capitol again. He hated that city, and the things that had happened to him there. Those things rose up again in his mind and he had to fight to push them back from his thoughts. He began to think it was a bad idea for him to be a part of the mission, he wasn't fully better yet. Those things still plagued his mind at times.

He tried to focus on the reason he was there once again. Jinyoung needed him, that was the thought that drove him forward as the hovercraft maneuvered perfectly to landing in a large field. Where it touched down there a great many other hovercrafts of various sizes, crafts that had born people from all over Panem for a final fight. The war had gone from a dream to a reality, and it was moving towards an ending.

It was surreal to Jaebeom. When he’d gone into the arena Panem was full of unrest, but there was no revolution moving. He’d missed the entire war. It had all happened while he was in captivity and in the hospital. It felt strange facing the reality that once the Capitol was taken, the entire nation would be free of Yang’s tyrannical rule. What had once been nothing but a foolish dream was steps away from reality and Jaebeom realized he knew so little about how it had all happened. All he knew was somehow Jinyoung was at the center of it.

"You good?" Jackson asked him as the ramp of the hovercraft opened. The cold of the night air was something he could almost taste beyond. He was finally seeing the world outside again.

"Yeah," Jaebeom replied, "I'll be okay." He would have to be, it was too late to return to that tiny hospital room. He was going to be a part of whatever fight was going on. He wasn’t sure how ready he was but he was sure that being there was the right decision. He could only hope that he could be of help, that he wouldn’t hinder whatever plans they were going to make. He’d been out of the game so long, he wasn’t sure what he had to offer their team. 

They all exited the ship together, an odd little group of mismatched people. Two former Hunger Games stylists from the heart of the Capitol and three victors all from different districts. Wooyoung took the lead and led them through the encampment. It was huge, there were so many people from every district around and those who were out and about paid them no mind. There were occasional glances but Jaebeom surmised it was likely common for them to see victors among them. 

Seeing the camp up close left Jaebeom in awe of the sheer scale of what the Districts had accomplished in the war. There were food stores, medical tents, and weapon caches throughout that Jaebeom saw as they walked through. They had taken over all their homes and they were in control of the supplies that used to go to the Capitol. All the districts united had everything they could need to fight back. 

The unification of every district had led to a moment that seemed impossible to Jaebeom as a child. Only all together could they be strong enough to be mounting a full scale assault on an enemy that had once seemed undefeatable. There were many different kinds of people around, of all ages and genders. It seemed only children had stayed away from the fight, symbolic of what had led to them fighting back in the first place.It was understandable considering the entire fight had begun with their children being taken and killed.

Jackson, Wooyoung and Jaebeom were among the few that had made it out from those death arenas. For each of them there were twenty-three other children who would never breathe again. For 74 years of the games there were almost two-thousand children total who had been sacrificed to keep the Districts in line. And when the Districts won the battle in the Capitol the games would finally come to an end forever. No more children would ever face those horrors again.

They walked through the tent quickly, all exhausted from the flight over. Wooyoung seemed to know where he was going so they kept following him, through rows and rows of tents. Jackson was chatting with Wooyoung about something, Jaebeom stayed behind them and ignored whatever conversation they were having. He glanced about at people and saw a few whose eyes lingered on him in shock or confusion. It was odd that a few people seemed to know who he was. He wondered for a moment what it would be like if he was walking through the camp with Jinyoung. 

It was a long way for them to walk and that was something Jaebeom didn’t expect. Jaebeom would be lying if he didn't admit he felt a bit winded by the long trek. He’d made huge physical strides in the weeks he’d been working on walking and moving with strength again, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to be so physically involved in a fight. 

It was a long while before they stopped walking and made it to one of the larger tents. Wooyoung entered first and the others followed. Inside the tent Jaebeom felt relieved to see familiar friends. Namjoon, Jin and Hoseok were all there sitting around a table and upon seeing the newcomers they all stood up. 

There was no message that they could send ahead. There was likely confusion in the District 5 team’s minds but they smiled upon seeing those who had come.

"Jaebeom," Jin rushed forward to hug him, Jin was always a hugger. Jaebeom was glad, it was at least familiar to him. He could still remember how things had been before and that was a comfort to him.

"You're all here!" Namjoon said, "welcome?" He seemed confused but he was grinning ear to ear. Taehyung rushed forward to hug Hoseok in greeting. 

"Namjoon-ah!" Jackson said as he rushed forward to hug the other boy. It was a tent full of warm greetings. Jackson let go of Namjoon, "Sorry to show up unannounced, we couldn’t get a message through and we just came as fast as we could!” Jackson talked loudly as ever, as fast as he could get the words out.

"What's wrong? Why are you here?" Jin asked, clearly sensing something was off, "where's Jinyoung?" Of course he would also peg the missing piece of the equation. They were the remaining group that was in District 13 and they’d all come together but very noticeably without Jinyoung. 

Jaebeom felt nearly overwhelmed because once again standing with them... It reminded him of the time before the second games, when they’d spent so much time together making plans all to protect Jinyoung.

"You probably guessed it but we came because Jinyoung's gone missing," Jackson responded to Jin’s questioning. Jaebeom realized he was just standing silently, gaping at everyone.

"Of course, what else is new?" Namjoon asked dryly, he looked concerned despite speaking in a sarcastic tone. The way he spoke key’d Jaebeom off that this wasn’t the first or second time, probably not even the third or fourth. Jaebeom was left wondering just how many times Jinyoung had gone missing.

"We have reason to believe he got on the hovercrafts that were sent here from District 13," Jackson said, “they left early this morning, their launch was originally scheduled for tomorrow.”

"Why would he do that without telling you?" Jin asked. 

Jaebeom looked away, he hated thinking of what had happened and how everything had been found out. Jinyoung's eyes had been dead as he spoke his final words. Jaebeom was still on the edge of breaking down over what had happened.

"It seems..." Jackson glanced at Jaebeom as if to check if he wanted to speak, "Jinyoung lied to us this whole time.” Jaebeom was glad Jackson was taking the lead to explain. "We don’t know for how long, but he’s been on the drugs for awhile now and it seems Chae made her move with them. None of us noticed... He's probably so addicted..." Jackson trailed off, his voice sounded broken up.

"So addicted he could die?" Jin asked, filling in what Jackson was going to say with questions, "did he get to the point she could cut him off and kill him?" Jaebeom felt sick, but that definitely was the impression he got about the whole situation. Jinyoung was addicted and it wasn’t a mild case at all.

"It seems likely that she did threaten him based on what we know," Jackson said, "whatever the case, we wanted to know if you'd seen him or gotten word he was here. We need to find him as soon as we can, before it’s too late.” 

"We've heard nothing," Namjoon responded, "no one is talking about him being here." All of their expressions seemed confused. 

“Would you have heard if he was here?” Jaebeom questioned and Namjoon’s expression was more confused by Jaebeom’s question.

“You’re joking right?” Hoseok said, “wherever Jinyoung goes everyone there knows who he is. If he landed here and walked out of a ship the whole encampment would be talking about it.” Jaebeom was sure that if Jinyoung wanted to he could easily move without making much noise. 

"Jinyoung could have been hidden upon arrival, it seems like that would be what Chae would want," Jackson said, “especially if she has any awareness at all of us leaving 13 to come here. We don’t know what ship he was on, we don’t even know what unit he’s assigned to.” 

“If we knew that we could track them down,” Namjoon responded, “we don’t have lists on the unit assignments, they don’t have that information anywhere. We’d need someone on the craft to tell us which group he was in. But I still am questioning how they managed to fly him in with a whole group of people, and no one’s talking about it.” Jaebeom could see that was the confusing part to all of them. It made it more curious as to what Chae really wanted from Jinyoung. Maybe he was correct and she wanted him dead, would she want it done quietly? Jaebeom was worried, had Jinyoung been killed before even getting on the ship?

“We have to ask around,” Jackson said, “maybe try to find others who came with the District 13 launch, or someone who witnessed it. Jinyoung is here, Chae wouldn’t waste any opportunity to have him filmed fighting in the Capitol. This is probably where she wants to stage an ending of sorts.” That thought was disturbing.

“So let’s say he did arrive. Do we even know that he’s gone out yet?” Jin asked, “could we intercept him before his unit even leaves?” Jaebeom really hoped that they could. They needed to get Jinyoung out of there and far away from Yang and Chae.

“Chae had to know we were coming, it’s not like a hovercraft leaving District 13 is ever a quiet affair,” Jackson replied, “she definitely wanted him out ahead of us. He’s probably in the city already. This whole thing is a disaster.” Jaebeom hated all of it, he hated being helpless. Jinyoung could be out on a dangerous battlefield without anyone who was on his side near him. He could have enemies in front and behind him and that was frightening.

“Hoseok,” Namjoon snapped and pointed at the other man, “get ahold of Baekhyun and Chanyeol immediately. If anyone has a pulse on what’s going on with District 13’s movements they do. If Jinyoung did land earlier, they would know and they might know who he is with.” 

“Right away,” Hoseok said and he rushed out of the tent without a second thought. Jaebeom wondered what it would be about Baekhyun and Chanyeol that was different from the others knowing things. But he guessed all the victors were involved in the war, and that all of them had different things they were focused on. They knew the most firsthand about what the Capitol was capable of. Perhaps some of them had known all along another powerful force entering the playing field was also something to be wary of.

“It makes no sense for command to keep no record of who is on the teams,” Jin said, “those devices, we’re organized here. They have to have something to identify who they’re sending where.” Jin seemed to be musing about the right details. Something was definitely wrong with not knowing all the finer details of the troops they were sending out. 

But he’d heard from Jackson how fucked the Capitol had made their own city. Maybe the Districts were flying blind just trying to get ahead.

“Do those devices you’re all given have microphones?” Wooyoung asked. He’d been silent in the conversation, so much so that Jaebeom had almost forgotten that he was there.

“I have one here if you want to examine how it works,” Namjoon walked towards his desk and picked up the item they were all talking about, “It voice encoded to me, every single one of them are voice encoded to the team leaders. That’s how we activate them, so it has a microphone. They’re also all on a frequency to allow control to track their locations.”

“I can use that to find them,” Wooyoung declared, “back at the ship, I can hack them!”

—————

The city was nothing like what Jinyoung remembered, and that wasn’t because his perception of reality was warped. It was different, everything had changed since the last time he had been there. The bright colors he associated with the culture of the Capitol were gone. Rubble was everywhere and it was completely deserted at the level they were at. They’d left in daylight and walked peacefully through areas where pods had been cleared. 

Jinyoung’s head ached in the sun, and he was glad when there were signs the day was coming to an end. Dusk left a haze upon the city and, when night began to fall, the silence and emptiness of it was an eerie sight. It was as if the rubble surrounding them were haunted by the ghosts of what the Capitol had been. Jinyoung wondered how many on both sides had died in the war as they walked.

The people of the Capitol had been complicit in the oppression upon the Districts. That part of the war Jinyoung was clear upon, but he knew not every person in the Capitol was the same. He knew some were also slaves to the system, and there were allies to the Districts within the Capitol like the friends he had made on his prep team. In facing the Capitol city in the midst of a war he’d started, Jinyoung wondered what the cost of the war really was. A cost that would be worth it in the end if they won, but one they should have never had to pay.

The team moved quickly through the streets and as the last bits of daylight lit their paths forward. Jinyoung was standing on a piece of rubble looking around the city when Shownu beckoned him over. Jinyoung turned towards the older man.

“Jinyoung, I want you to carry this bag,” Shownu said and he handed Jinyoung a small backpack. Jinyoung accepted it and slipped it on under his quiver and around his arms. It was small and lightweight, Jinyoung wondered what was actually inside it and why Shownu wanted him to carry it.

“It hooks in front here.” Shownu moved around in front of him as he spoke and connected the straps together. Jinyoung watched the straps locked with a strange mechanism and he was confused as to why it would do that. Was he carrying something valuable?

“What is this?” Jinyoung questioned. Shownu kept his hands on it after he’d finished the connections.

“Something I had Minhyuk rig up after what happened in District 3,” Shownu said. Jinyoung’s brow furrowed as Shownu walked around the back of Jinyoung and moved the pack, Jinyong was pulled back and he wasn’t expecting it.

“What is this?” Jinyoung asked again, he was growing irritated that Shownu wasn’t really answering him. Shownu walked around him with what looked like a leash, a looped rope.

“You won’t be able to take this off without me taking it off for you,” Shownu declared, “this is my insurance that you won’t be able to run away.” He hooked the looped end to a carabiner on his belt. Jinyoung’s mouth dropped open in shock.

“What the hell?!” Jinyoung shouted at him. He pushed at Shownu but when Shownu stepped back, Jinyoung was pulled along with him. Jinyoung was shocked, angered. He didn’t know what Shownu thought gave him the right to do such a thing to him.

“Shhh,” Wonho whispered, “we need to move quietly through the city!” Jinyoung grabbed the straps that were around him out of frustration and tried to yank it off but they were snug around his body. He couldn’t get out of them, they weren’t going to move. What Shownu had done to him was one of the most disrespectful things he had ever experienced. They were taking his freedom of movement away, treating him like a prisoner.

“It’s fitted to you perfectly,” Shownu said, “you’re not going to be able to get out of it.” Jinyoung wondered for a moment if it was something Chae had put him up to. Maybe he really was her prisoner.

“You take this off of me right now!” Jinyoung demanded. He hated it, it was ridiculous of them to do such a thing to him.

“Not going to happen,” Shownu said, “you have proven to be a flight risk and we can’t afford to take any chances with your life. You’ll try to run and if you go out there alone, you will die. This city is filled with traps you won’t see coming. I don’t trust you to listen to me, so you will be stuck by my side as long as we’re out here. It’s for your own good.”

Jinyoung was in shock that such a thing was happening to him. It was a terrible idea. If something went wrong neither him nor Shownu could just run without the other moving. Jinyoung was really mortified at the situation he was in.

“I wouldn’t run away from you guys,” Jinyoung insisted.

“Seriously, Jinyoung, no one believes that,” Jooheon responded, “your evasiveness is legendary now, you even jumped out a window to get away from people. That was played throughout the whole country.” Jinyoung was aware, he’d seen a lot of the propaganda pieces that were created off his skirmish in District 12.

“I am not going to do that here!” Jinyoung exclaimed, “I understand this place is dangerous.”

“Your track record of doing what you say you’re going to do isn’t stellar either,” Shownu said. “You can keep whining but this isn’t changing. End of story. You’re stuck with me for as long as I deem fit.” 

Jinyoung sulked but he was forced to move on as Shownu literally walked and dragged him along. The harness was uncomfortable when being dragged so Jinyoung followed begrudgingly. It was humiliating, being tied up when he’d done nothing wrong.

As they continued on, their first few encounters with pods were uneventful. The detector caught them well before they found them and they triggered the traps from a distance. Doing so rendered the pods ineffective, which would make things easier for others passing through. It was part of their mission to take out the traps so more troops could move in to take that ground.

As light became an issue they began to look for safe shelter. The city borough they had been traveling through wasn’t a dangerous one, but they would be faced with tougher challenges the further into the city they went. The already ravaged streets they moved along had mostly been cleared, there was much more to fear in the uncharted zones. It did remind him of the games, how each day got worse and each new challenge was harder to overcome. He was torn to pieces in those arenas, he wondered how much of him would be left if he survived long enough to make it into the heart of the Capitol.

They found a place to make their rest and Jinyoung’s bed roll was laid next to Shownu’s. He was annoyed. It seemed they wanted him to stay tied to Shownu even while sleeping. He wished he could put more distance between him and the other boy. He wasn’t sure how many pills he should take to fall asleep but he knew he wanted his wits about him if anything went wrong. It was too dangerous for him to completely knock himself out. He also knew Shownu was watching his every move. It was protective and stifling in a different way than the treatment he’d gotten from the others.

No one had ever tied him to them before to keep him from running away. It was embarrassing that Jinyoung had walked into such a thing. It was annoying that Shownu was treating him like a wayward child. He would just have to wait for a good opportunity to get the device off, he did have a couple knives on him that could help him slice through the rope cord. 

A watchlist was made for the night and he wasn’t put on it, which was probably for the best. He was feeling withdrawals, pain in his head that was oppressive. Jinyoung felt completely hollow as he laid in his bedroll. Shownu was still sitting up examining the maps that they had. Jinyoung took his pills, just a couple to keep his body from getting too tense. 

The focus of moving forward in the city had distracted him from his troubles, his emotional turmoil. In the darkness and still of night, those things came back up in his head. He was a disaster, a mess and he knew it. He was hurting, his heart was broken and he felt lost in every way. He couldn’t remember a time when things had been better, cause all he could remember was the months of pain and struggle. That was his reality and that was the only reality he had left.

He guessed he couldn’t do anything but wallow in his own misery. He felt alone. He’d walked out on his family without saying goodbye. It was all catching up to him without something to do. He let out a shaky breath as he tried to hold back tears, it was difficult. He thought of his dad and brother, he’d shut them out long before leaving them. He didn’t recognize himself anymore. 

“What are you thinking about?” Shownu asked him. Jinyoung turned to look up and saw Shownu was watching him. Jinyoung glared at the soldier.

“I’m thinking about running away,” Jinyoung said, it was petty but he couldn’t help it, “I hear it’s all I’m good at.” 

“And is that why you’re here?” Shownu asked, “because you ran away?”

Jinyoung didn’t want to have that conversation, because what Shownu had said was absolutely the truth. He didn’t want to make them think even more was wrong with him, if he told the full truth he was sure things would get harder for him. If Shownu really knew, Jinyoung was convinced he would take him back for sure no matter what Chae had to say about it.

“I’m not running away,” Jinyoung said, “I have been running towards something this whole time.” Maybe a lie, maybe the truth. Jinyoung didn’t know that he knew the difference anymore.

“Towards what?” Shownu asked.

“An ending?” Jinyoung wasn’t sure of the answer. If it really was an ending he was chasing, what ending was he looking for? The war's ending? His own ending? He wanted Yang’s and, beside that, he found he wished he could bring down Chae too. But that seemed impossible with what she held over him. 

It was a strange situation he had put himself in, all he could do was regret the choices he’d made in his own path towards destruction. He guessed all he could do was accept that his own demise was inevitable. It was ironic considering he’d once been so determined to beat the odds. When it all began he’d shouted at Jaebeom for suggesting he couldn’t win the Hunger Games. Maybe Jaebeom was right after all, he hadn’t won the games. He’d just watched the games evolve in front of him until he was once again trapped facing his own end.

“Jinyoung, what is all this to you?” Shownu asked, “this war...” he trailed off as if thinking but coming up empty on what else to add to that. Jinyoung saw that Shownu was trying to figure him out. Jinyoung guessed there was a lot about him that was confusing.

“I began the war,” Jinyoung said softly, “so only I can end it.” He’d begun it by disarming himself before the whole nation. It would be fitting if he had a sword in the end when he went to kill Yang. In the end it would show that Yang managed to change him after all. He was a killer, they’d broken him after all.

It would be very fitting if he could take that same sword he stabbed into the ground, if he stood in front of a blazing fire and used that sword to kill Yang. It would be the completion of everything they had fashioned him into. He could kill Yang like that in such fanfare then he could walk into the fire, and their phoenix one last time. He’d taken a long way around from the other victors but the people would see, he was nothing more than any of the rest of them. 

“This war doesn’t belong to you,” Shownu declared with a shake of his head, “your actions inspired us, over and over you inspired us, but every single person fighting owns this fight. You don’t need to carry that on your own anymore.” It was too late, he had always carried it on his own. It was placed on his shoulders from the beginning and every single person in his life had affirmed that. They’d all wanted him to fight for them as well. They didn’t stop it, they all encouraged it.

“Whatever the case, we can end it here,” Jinyoung said, “when we take Yang out, it will all finally end.” Shownu looked unsure.

“I fear that won’t be the end, it will just be the beginning,” Shownu replied, “ending him will just bring us new battles to fight. A new era will begin, with new fights and new struggles. I’m not sure we’re ready for that.” It was an interesting way to speak of things, Jinyoung was beginning to believe he and Shownu understood the same things. When Yang ended Chae would be taking control.

“We may not be ready,” Jinyoung said, “but things will be better after he is gone and the Capitol’s power is broken.” He was sure whatever power play Chae was preparing to make, she was at least better than Yang. The people in District 13 lived better than the people had everywhere else. No one was starving and dying even though they lived below ground. They all worked together and everyone was on equal footing.

“Things could be better in a lot of ways,” Shownu said, “but they could be worse in other ways.” He paused for a bit but Jinyoung could see he wanted to say more so he was silent. Shownu met his eyes, “You know your influence hasn’t just been on the war and it won’t just go away… Your influence could be key to keeping the power in the hands of the people.”

“How so?” Jinyoung asked. He’d become a legend in the war but he was sure people would move on from him. Though he knew that wasn’t what others thought by the very situation he was in.

“Chae fears you,” Shownu said, Jinyoung opened his mouth to protest but Shownu kept speaking, “she knows you wouldn’t seize power for yourself, but if you supported someone, anyone, that person would most likely win in an open election. Chae wouldn’t have a chance if you backed someone other than her..”

“I wouldn’t want to get involved in any of that,” Jinyoung responded but he knew his choices had never mattered. He hadn’t asked to start a war, to be the face of it. He always was involved despite what it was he wanted and no matter how he’d resisted it he was always pulled back into things.

“Whatever the case,” Shownu replied, “you cannot trust Chae, and there are very few others you can trust. She’s worked her way to controlling the system before and she will fight to do it again.” 

“What if it’s already too late?” Jinyoung asked, because he knew it was. Chae already had him backed into an inescapable prison. She had his life in her hands, if she wanted to keep control of him without killing him she could and he would have to back her if he wanted to live.

“As long as we keep the fire burning it won’t be,” Shownu said, “and we can all do that together, not just you.”

If they could do it together then why hadn’t they just done it? Why did Chae need him to be the phoenix? Why did she need him to rise then fall? He never wanted any of it, he had never asked for anything. He remembered the day that Yang had sat in his house and threatened him because of the growing unrest. It had always been blamed on Jinyoung, put on Jinyoung by every single person in power.

He never asked to carry it all alone, it was unfairly put on him by Yang, by Chae and he wondered if that was why the people had followed it. Jinyoung had gone along with so much for many reasons and if it wasn’t down to him what was it all for? He’d taken it on himself when he’d accepted Chae’s offer and he’d willingly walked into everything they wanted from him, even fought for his own role several times. He’d chosen to go to districts, he’d chosen to fight battles because he believed it was the right thing to do. He’d done it at the cost of himself because that was what everyone expected and if he could make a difference he guessed it was the right thing to do.

It was everything for the people, and those that lived under oppression. But for his own life, it was all nothing. He’d wanted to fade to the background several times but no one let him. He hadn’t let himself? They always pushed him forward but he always ran forward. They made him what he was but he picked up his own and fought back.

He had in many ways been set up to make the wrong choices but he’d still made them. If the doctors hadn’t given him the pills in the first place he might have learned to deal with his panic alone, he would have had to. So many times he wanted to die, now he was in a place where he knew exactly what came next. It was illusory being at the doorway of death once again. At times none of it felt real, but he knew this threat was very real and there was no escape from it.

He was in many ways like Jungkook’s whistle on the wind. A series of sounds that fast faded to nothing but could be echoed by the ones listening. Echoes from those birds that listened for the sound. The people were like those birds, so it shouldn’t matter if he faded, they would echo him and everything he stood for. When his light went out and the last sound was no longer heard, they would carry on the belief and hope that made the revolution possible.

They would carry the defiance and passion Jinyoung had once carried. Because Jinyoung alone couldn’t have made the war what it was, it took the decision of each and every person in their nation. It was something that had lived inside all of them all along. They just needed Jinyoung to show them a reflection of who they themselves were. He was a mirror and he showed Panem their true strength.

Shownu was silent and Jinyoung turned over in his bedroll, turning away from the other man. He could feel the weight of all his thoughts, crippling and crushing because, when his mind turned back to what he’d left behind, it hurt what he’d been driven to. He curled in on himself and knew even if Shownu did speak, there was nothing left for Jinyoung to say to him so Jinyoung would be silent.. 

He was irritated still by the events of the day. He would have to devise a plan to get out of the leash system that had been put on him. Any plan he came up with was doomed to fail but Jinyoung was always scrappy about getting his own way. He needed to get out of the group he was in somehow. Shownu was right, he wanted to go it alone for the rest of the journey ahead.

He didn't want anyone else to get hurt because of him. He was being targeted by both Chae and Yang and that meant anyone close to him would get caught in the crossfire. It was best for him to do it alone because that was the surest way to keep the others safe.

His existence was cursed, a mess of things he had done and other things he had never asked for. He welcomed the feelings harbored in his heart for so long as they had begun to take him over. The colder feelings drowned his fire and made him feel nothing, like nothing.

He needed to live a life where nothing else mattered to him.

The fight ahead was about him and his enemies. All he could focus on was destroying Yang and he knew somehow he had to destroy Chae as well. His mind was beginning to understand, if he was to die he had to die at the right time within view of everyone. He had to survive to kill Yang and die when it would expose who Chae really was. 

He couldn't beat her any other way. She was making her move and broadcasting herself to the districts, she was trying to become their leader and without challenge she would likely make it. He had to figure out how to expose her, he needed to find a way.

Jinyoung’s mind was running in circles so he took another pill and closed his eyes to sleep. It took a bit for the jitteriness of his anxiety to calm and he welcomed the feeling that once again washed over him. His body slowed, and his worries vanished. He was at peace and he surrendered to it. He fell asleep quickly.

—————

“Jinyoung was here,” their answer came to them from the victor who was paying the most attention to District 13’s troop moments. Exactly as Namjoon had predicted, Park Chanyeol had seen everything. He hadn’t been easy to track down in the encampment but Baekhyun found him for them.

“Was?” Namjoon asked him.

“They kept it quiet when they landed,” Chanyeol said, “Shownu sent someone to me to inform me, he was worried that Jinyoung hadn’t told anyone anything before leaving. He would have made Jinyoung’s presence more public because he felt that maybe he should, but Jinyoung was passed out when they landed and wouldn’t wake up. Shownu didn’t want people to know so they hid him.” Jinyoung was probably too drugged out to awaken.

“Where is he now?” Jaebeom asked. He was alarmed by what he was hearing. He didn’t even know who Shownu was, or if they could trust him. Jaebeom needed to get to Jinyoung as quickly as he could.

“They shipped out early this afternoon,” Chanyeol said, “President Chae gave them a special mission the details of which I do not know. About 20 teams went out into the city for District 13. Shownu’s team was the first to leave and Jinyoung was with him. He couldn’t override orders and believe me he tried. The teams sent out were all comprised of District 13 troops and volunteers from Districts. Aside from District 13, District 2 sent the most out. Shownu’s team is the only one that is completely made up of District 13 people with the exception of Jinyoung but since all remaining District 12 people live in 13 it was listed as an all 13 team. And the oddest thing is that team is the only one that we have lost trace of.”

“How the hell did we lose trace of them?” Namjoon asked, his voice raised and Jaebeom was surprised by it. Jaebeom looked around the room and saw tension on everyone’s faces.

“I was at the command center for hours after the teams left,” Chanyeol said, “we can’t see team 1’s transponder on our scanner but what we can see are the pod deactivations that are not coming from our traceable teams. No one is sure how, it seems they had a faulty tracker but we know they’re okay because of the activity we’re getting back.”

“It’s definitely not an accident,” Jackson said angrily. It was frightening to think that President Chae would do something like that.

“Of course it’s not an accident,” Namjoon said, “but whoever did it probably didn’t think about the pod deactivations. That information is helpful enough to pinpoint their general location. We need to send a very small team out to find them. So we’ll still be able to find them and ensure their safety.”

“I’m going,” Jackson declared. Jaebeom guessed the team was going to be small to avoid being detected.

“Me too,” Jaebeom spoke up. There was no way he was going to be staying behind when he was part of the reason Jinyoung had left like he did. Jinyoung had said no goodbyes, given no promise of return. Jaebeom needed to go after him all the way, whatever that looked like.

“I’ll go too,” Hoseok volunteered, “I can be of help to you since I know the Capitol very well.” Hoseok had grown up in the Capitol.

“We can put on one more,” Namjoon said, “that’s it, I think a small team of four is a good plan. You’d go unnoticed and we wouldn’t have to worry about people catching on.” Jaebeom doubted that was true if the small team was partially made up of victors it was still likely to raise questions.

“I should go as well,” Jin spoke up, “I am the most acquainted with how to help Jinyoung through drug withdrawals, none of the rest of you have that experience. I can help keep him going.” Jaebeom really wasn’t aware of what Jin was talking about and what he’d done to help Jinyoung in the past. He realized he was a bit resentful of the fact that Jinyoung was able to hide a problem everyone seemed to be aware existed in the first place.

“Can someone fill me in on all that happened?” Jaebeom asked. Everyone around him knew information he didn’t and he realized he really needed the full story. 

“We can in a moment,” Namjoon said. He turned his attention back to Jin to chide him, “surely this is knowledge you can give to the ones who are going. You know what we talked about just yesterday.”

“Is he talking about going out again? It’s out of the question.” Jaebeom turned his head towards the entrance of the tent as he heard Yoongi’s voice. 

Yoongi glanced around the tent as if taking them all in, his eyes rested on Jaebeom and he nodded. Jaebeom nodded back. It was strange being reunited with all of the victors after all that had happened but the familiarity of it made Jaebeom feel more relaxed.

“It shouldn’t be in question at all,” Jin said, “I have more arena experience than Namjoon, I can handle myself in a fight. I am capable of going on this mission and with the current situation it’s probably best that I go.”

“The last arena didn’t make me confident about anything concerning you,” Namjoon replied with a blank expression. Jaebeom understood their misgivings given they’d almost watched their friend die, though he did believe Jin was capable. He decided to stay out of it.

“Jin should be allowed to go if he wants to, but if Jin goes I go,” Yoongi declared.

“I don’t want to send everyone out,” Namjoon whined.

“I feel like if someone tells me what the hell happened to lead us here, that I could provide a lot more insight into Yang’s part in all this,” Jaebeom was tired of just listening to them argue. He wanted to make a difference in whatever fight was ahead and to do that he needed to understand the full picture. He was in Yang’s prisons when things had gone on, he had a different view of the war. He needed the big picture to understand what Chae wanted as well.

“Okay,” Namjoon said, “I agree that would be helpful, we should fill you in cause a lot of shit has gone down the past few months.”

“Jinyoung jumped out a window!” Jackson exclaimed, “I was hiding on the ship and I saw from one of the monitors, I asked myself ‘what is this crazy kid doing?’ Literally he jumped from a two story window with a gun in his hand and the peacekeepers were all shouting and running in fear like crazy people, it was insane!” Jaebeom’s eyes went wide. What was Jackson even talking about?

“No,” Jaebeom responded, frustrated, “that couldn’t have happened, don't just make things up. I need the truth.”

“We have the footage,” Wooyoung said, “Jackson’s not exaggerating, that happened.” They had footage? There were peacekeepers and a window involved and they somehow had footage, Jaebeom was confused.

“Guys, this is not how to fill him in,” Jin said, shaking his head, “we should start from the beginning, not just jump to a crazy event you personally found funny.” Jaebeom was looking between all of them as they looked at each other. He didn’t know what he’d gotten himself into, he just wanted to know what had gone on while he was out and how it related to Jinyoung’s current drug addiction.

“How 'beginning' are we talking?” Jackson asked.

“From after Jinyoung started being the Phoenix?” Wooyoung offered an opinion.

“What about from the time we got to 13? Stuff happened in that goddamn hospital the first week,” Jin said.

“But what happened on the hovercraft after the games should not be left out,” Jackson said, “it was pretty crazy seeing Jinyoung curse like that and jump after JYP like he did. His reaction to hearing you’d been left behind was insane.”

“What?” Jaebeom asked. Jinyoung jumped at JYP? His head was hurting as they seemed to be jumping around different events and they hadn’t even really begun to explain anything.

“Can we all slow down,” Namjoon said, “we can tell the story from the beginning, but do not use excessive adjectives or over describe the events that happened. We need to be concise as we speak to make sure we just explain everything Jaebeom needs to know.” Jaebeom was beginning to think this wasn’t such a good idea. He had thought that much couldn’t have happened but he was wrong.

“I wanna start!” Jackson declared, he stood up from where he was sitting and faced Jaebeom, “After you ‘died’, JYP followed through on his plan to pick us all up with hovercrafts, remember that plan? We did it!" He retold with fervent energy, "Unfortunately, we lost track of Yoongi in the mess. So JYP picked me up, then we found Jin, Taeyeon and Jinyoung. We all thought you were dead, so we were super sad. Then we picked up some friends from the Capitol, where Hoseok rescued Yugyeom, Taehyung, Jennie, and Hani!”—There was a glaring omission from that list of names—“We picked them up and then-”

“Wait, Jackson,” Jaebeom interrupted, “what about BamBam?” Their faces fell… That meant the worst had happened.

“BamBam was shot,” Hoseok said, “I had to investigate a bit to find out exactly what happened to him, but Yang ordered him to be shot at the chute load, which means Jinyoung had to watch that before the games began. Yang clearly was trying to mess him up.” 

Jaebeom felt his blood run cold, he hadn’t known any of that and it explained so much. Jinyoung had been off kilter the entire games. Jaebeom felt his heart stutter beneath his ribs, thinking of a loss he didn’t even know he should have been mourning. BamBam was such an important part of his life, and one of the few who knew both him and Jinyoung very well. He felt horrible that he hadn’t even asked about any of his friends since being rescued, he’d had no idea.

“So, we picked up everyone,” Jackson continued, his voice more somber as he continued. “A few hours before we reached district 13, Jinyoung woke up and, understandably, he was confused and frantic. He came to the cabin on the ship to ask where you were-” 

“He quickly realized we left you behind,” Jin interrupted, “none of us knew you were still alive, but he was certain of it because he was the last one with you.” 

“I’m telling the story!” Jackson whined at Jin’s interruption.

“You weren’t even friends back then, Jackson,” Jin responded, “I knew him better!”

“Well, I know him better _now,_ ,” Jackson argued back. Jaebeom was surprised at the two fighting over being close friends with Jinyoung. 

“Guys quit it,” Yoongi snapped at them, “It’s Jin’s turn.” Jackson didn’t dare argue with Yoongi and shrunk back.

Jaebeom sighed, he had a feeling Namjoon’s words about making it brief were long forgotten by everyone.

“He told us you were alive,” Jin said, “that he felt your heartbeat when he passed out-”

“It would have been sweet if it wasn’t so sad,” Jackson interrupted in a voice tone that was a dramaticized sadness. They all looked at him as if to tell him to shut up and Jackson looked confused. “What? I wanted him to know that part!” Everyone turned to look at Jin and Jaebeom nodded a small thanks to Jackson. 

“I tried to calm him,” Jin continued his part of the story, “but he was convinced we had left you behind on purpose. JYP spoke up and said he was the one who had made the decision. Jackson and I were both appalled to find out he knew you were alive and had chosen to leave you. We figured there was more to it but Jinyoung was inconsolable, and there was no way for us to calm him-”

“That was when Jinyoung called JYP son of a bitch and jumped at him!” Jackson exclaimed, interrupting once again. They all glared at him except for Jaebeom, who was surprised by what he was hearing. He’d seen Jinyoung angry but he couldn’t imagine him physically lunging at someone. “Why?” Jackson whined, “I can tell part of the story too!” They all turned back to Jin again, ignoring him.

“Jackson and I held him back,” Jin said, “and we sedated him because there was no other way to handle the situation. We found out when we arrived at District 13 that District 12 had been destroyed by Yang, and that very few people made it out of the destruction. Jinyoung, Taeyeon and I were admitted to the hospital where we placed under mandatory quarantine. Jinyoung went through a lot while we were there.”

“I didn’t know at the time,” Jin continued, “but, while we were there, the nurses started giving him the benzodiazepine he is addicted to right now. They gave it to him in strong doses to put him to sleep and keep him calmed, tranquilized due to their diagnosis that he had a panic disorder. I should have watched him closer, I had no idea that they were giving that to him until after. I was there for him as much as I was allowed to be. The nurses weren’t patient with him at all. They were cruel, they tried to keep him sedated most of the time. I really didn’t know then how they were doing it. It’s my biggest regret in all this, it happened right under my nose. I didn’t even know.”

“That happened?” Jackson asked.

“Jackson!” The others shushed, but Jaebeom didn’t mind.

“He’s fine,” Jaebeom said, vocalizing the thought. Jackson’s interjections didn’t bother him at all. He thought multiple perspectives were important, whatever the case. Jaebeom was surprised Jackson hadn’t heard about any of it.

“I actually do have a gap in my knowledge that Jackson could fill,” Jin said and he turned to Jackson, “what happened after Jinyoung was discharged and given the drugs to take with him? I was still in the hospital for a bit after that.”

“Taeyeon was discharged at the same time as him,” Jackson said, “I saw Jinyoung when Mark picked him up. He looked very much out of it, and now that you mention it he was probably on the drugs. I said to myself at the time, ‘the hospital seems to have made him worse.’” Jaebeom was alarmed hearing all that had happened, it was like Jinyoung had been set up from the beginning.

“I think it very much made things worse for him,” Jin said, “he had panic issues and anxiety attacks but they got worse while we were there. Progressively worse, in my view of things. When he was discharged I wasn’t sure he should have been.”

“He had panic issues after the first games,” Jaebeom said, “most victors do. That was nothing new. What were those doctors thinking?” It seemed insane for him to think that doctors would willingly put a patient at risk. Especially a patient as high profile as Jinyoung.

“It was all a setup!” Jackson declared with a high level of animation in his voice. Jaebeom thought that part was fairly obvious, but it still made no sense to him. What reason would anyone have for agreeing to spark addiction in their own patient? Why would Chae want to risk such a plan? If they got good enough evidence together it would be damning for her being a part of such a thing.

“We’re getting there,” Yoongi grunted to Jackson.

“Sorry,” Jackson muttered.

“After I was discharged, I found out about the drugs he was put on. I found them in his unit,” Jin said, “he got super defensive about them and said he needed them because he was given them to help him sleep.” It was familiar.

“That’s what he said to me,” Jaebeom thought out loud. He remembered how distinctly Jinyoung had defended his actions. It seemed he’d been consistent the whole time in why he felt he needed them.

“The day I found them he was escorted by Jackson to meet with President Chae and JYP,” Jin mentioned, carrying the story forward.

“That meeting didn’t go well, they said they wanted him to be the face of the rebellion,” Jackson said, “They said they wanted him to be their phoenix to unite and inspire the Districts. He was angry at them, blamed JYP for leaving you behind and declined. I was with him to escort him back to his unit and we stopped by the hospital to fill his prescription. I did think it was odd he was getting a prescription refilled so soon after his discharge, but he told me it was none of my business. I left it alone.”

“They weren’t friends back then,” Taehyung offered up a bit of information to the story. Jaebeom had forgotten he was there. He was sitting near the back leaned against Hoseok. Taehyung had always cared for Jinyoung well.

“They didn’t take his rejection well,” Jin said, “they had us take him to District 12 so he could see what Yang did to his home. It was manipulative but we all felt he needed to see it. His influence on this war has been important from the beginning, I don’t know if any of this could have been possible without him.” Jin’s expression was sad as he explained, he shook his head, “I’m sorry, just... at times I realize just how much we put on him, but it’s really… it’s hard to think that we could have gotten anywhere without him.” 

They were all silent, glancing at each other. Jaebeom felt uncomfortable with the silence over what Jin had said. He didn’t know how to respond. He’d certainly seen what Jinyoung’s influence could be, and he knew in his own way he’d encouraged it.

“We watched him in District 12. He walked through the main streets slowly and made his way to the victor's village,” Jin continued speaking, “There he found both of your houses still standing and went inside, his own first, then yours. In yours he found the bracelet you were wearing during the games. He determined it was a message from Yang that he had you and that you were still alive. I am sure Jinyoung decided then or soon after to save you.” Jaebeom hadn’t known Yang had seeded any sort of message, it was strange how he was treated and how it all went down.

“Jinyoung made a plan and his plan was to gain leverage through President Chae's need for his influence,” Jin continued. “At the time our friends from the Capitol were in prison in District 13. I didn’t know his plan before then but when I told him what was going on he was livid and understandably so. Jinyoung forced Chae to dismiss her council early and made a list of demands, one of them being a demand to rescue you. He hadn’t told me about the bracelet then, I wasn’t really aware you were alive. JYP confirmed you were, as he had information from the Capitol.”

“You called JYP a fucking bitch,” Wooyoung said to Jin, “he was laughing about it for days.” Jaebeom was confused as to how that was relevant at all. 

“We don’t need to pause the story every time we have an aside about someone cursing JYP,” Namjoon declared, “this is going way to slow, speed it up.”

“He needs to understand everything!” Jackson exclaimed.

“Jackson!” They all said loudly and Jackson shrunk back. 

“After that day, plans were made to begin operations on war propaganda. However, I was concerned about the drug the doctors gave him,” Jin once again continued, “so I went to the hospital library to find out what they were and what the side effects or long term effect could be. I found Jinyoung’s dad there and discovered he had found the drugs and taken them away from Jinyoung. But that didn’t help, in that time things got worse. Youngmin tried to track down who was behind the prescription and no one would own up to it. Jinyoung was falling into very deep sleep most nights, we were having issues waking him up.”

“It was very scary, hyung,” Taehyung added. It reminded him of Jinyoung that morning, Jaebeom had to attempt to wake him up multiple times. He was dazed and drowsy. Jaebeom had no way to connect it to the drugs in those moments, it was just odd.

“Also, ,as this issue with the drugs was going on,” Jin said, “Jinyoung was having problems doing scripted videos, so they decided to put him in the field and see his real reaction to the things the Capitol was doing. It was very easy to determine that just videoing Jinyoung on sets wasn’t going to do anything for the revolution. Every single time he’s inspired people, it has been due to his real raw reactions to the Capitol’s evil.”

“After we decided that he almost overdosed,” Jackson said. Jaebeom remembered Jinyoung admitting to almost overdosing. 

“No, we took him to District 5 first,” Jin cut Jackson off, “you don’t remember that right at all. Before we left for District 5, I confronted him about his drug usage and he lied to me and said he hadn’t continued to take them after his father had taken him away.”

“I don’t remember District 5 being first,” Jackson mused, “we didn’t go to 5 until after we went to 9!”

“You weren’t at 5 when we went the first time,” Jin responded, “Jinyoung didn’t like you at the time so we didn’t include you.” Jackson pouted.

“I have footage of what happened the first mission out,” Wooyoung spoke up, “if that helps in speeding up the story.” Jaebeom didn’t expect he would be actually watching what went on. He really hadn’t banked on things being so complicated when he’d asked to hear about what had happened.

“Yes roll that footage, it is better to show him,” Jin said. Wooyoung opened a video file that was able to be projected on the tent wall. It was a short clip of Jinyoung in District 5 as described. Jaebeom felt breathless, Jinyoung was magnetic, it was incredible watching him with the people and the way he moved. Jaebeom was in awe of it. 

Watching Jinyoung on camera and in those videos, he was reminded of when he’d watched the first games and how tense things were. Yet Jinyoung was always surprising at every turn, scrappy and quick witted. He somehow flipped the script of what the games were meant to be right on it’s head and changed the entire thing by winning without taking a single life. Jaebeom remembered. Jinyoung had inspired unrest just by the things he naturally chose to do. He inspired hope and fire in all who watched him. 

“It was after District 5 that things got worse,” Jin said when the video ended, “Chae was insisting on sending him to 11. He didn’t want to go, and given his experience with District 11’s tributes it wasn't’ exactly difficult to understand why. He was on edge all day that day in general. He was having withdrawal symptoms and had clearly taken less of the drugs. Our meeting with Chae was so upsetting to him that when it was finished he ran away from me.” Jaebeom had a feeling this was where things had gotten bad, Jin was looking very sad about it.

“He ran away,” Jin said, “and I lost track of him and he completely disappeared. There was no trace and no one knew where he had gone.”

It was easy for Jaebeom to connect it. Jinyoung talked about his near overdose, they’d mentioned the overdose, it was a mistake he’d admitted he made. Jaebeom was sure this part of the story was when it had happened and it made his heart drop to think of how frightening it must have been.

“Everyone was searching frantically for hours,” Jin said, “things had built to a point where we knew we needed to get Jinyoung away from that substance. But losing track of him completely was terrifying. It was a horrible afternoon.”

“Until they found me,” Jackson said, “I had an idea of what to do and got them to trust JYP again and he used the security cameras to locate Jinyoung.” 

“How bad was it?” Jaebeom asked, he didn’t know what he would have done if he had been there. Probably panicked, probably cried when they finally found him. But Jaebeom had experienced his own frantic search for Jinyoung in the past, he knew how afraid he’d been then. It would have been compounded with how his feelings for Jinyoung had grown.

“He was hiding in the base’s air ventilation pipes,” Jin said, “he was lost because he had passed out there from the drugs.”

Jaebeom was angry now, not at Jinyoung nor at the others but at President Chae for playing the game so cruelly. She took a mentally unstable kid and put pressure on him then handed him relief in the form of an addiction that ripped everything from him. It was absolutely clear to Jaebeom what had happened. He just didn’t understand how anyone would justify doing such a thing to someone as innocent and good as Jinyoung.

“When we did find him he was barely standing, clearly trying to walk,” Jin said, “but he was dazed so it was hard for him. He passed out again and Jackson carried him out. I thought for sure he had overdosed, I was scared we were going to lose him. He was deliriously saying your name and ‘I’m here’ over and over.”

“How many had he taken?” Jaebeom asked. He didn’t think it was something that Jinyoung had deliberately done if he was still trying to walk on his own. It was scarier though to think of what Jinyoung could accidently do to himself.

“We still don’t know, we didn’t ask,” Jin said, “I’m not even sure he was aware of what he was doing, it probably happened more subconsciously. His dad said though any more of them could have killed him. It was scary how fast he was increasing his own dosage and scarier that the nurses had no problem giving him more without questioning how quickly he was replacing the bottles.”

“He could easily be doing that again,” Jaebeom said, he realized with his limited view how up and down Jinyoung’s symptoms were. 

Jaebeom remembered Jinyoung had been laying on the floor of his room sleeping on cold hard ground, waking up shaking and crying. The whole story put a new spin on what was likely to have been going on. And when Jinyoung slept by Jaebeom’s side, he’d woken up with a fever and within 20 minutes, it was all gone. Jinyoung had been freaked out by the prospect of the nurse injecting him with more. Jaebeom realized that could have killed him if he already had too much of the substance in his system. How many had Jinyoung taken that made him so hyper aware that more could kill him? There was an element of control to all of it and that made it obvious that he didn’t want to die from it, but he was aware he could. 

“That class of drug is such that as usage increases,” Jin explained, “tolerance increases, it takes more and more to get the same effect of calm. But eventually, it’s too much for the body to handle and the person using it is unable to know when they’ve gotten to a point of high tolerance that could kill them. With Jinyoung’s case I don’t think he is quite increasing as fast with tolerance. It always seemed to me he was chasing deeper states of calm, numbness, something that wipes out everything else he’s feeling.” Jaebeom felt sick thinking of it. Jinyoung wasn’t just trying to stay calm, he was erasing all his emotions.

“That pressure he’s been under,” Jin continued, “I believe President Chae did all she could to make it more difficult for him. She wanted him to be obedient to him, which he never was, never for a moment did he not fight for his own way of doing things.” Jaebeom could imagine Jinyoung being always defiant, Jinyoung was never one to easily ceed control to someone else. 

“After we found him,” Jin continued, “he asked Youngmin for help and we began a detox routine. I was working with his dad to administer the drugs in time cycles and help the process. We really believed him, there was no reason for us not to. You see, Jinyoung wasn’t just resigned to it because we knew about it, he was an active participant. He wanted to get better, he wanted them out of his life, I really believe that. This isn’t something we imagined.” 

If that was the case Jaebeom wondered what had changed. He could imagine Jinyoung trying to do better, to make it through because he’d seen Jinyoung on his road to recovery from the game's trauma. When Jinyoung was trying it was really apparent.

“Jinyoung was assigned to visit District 9 the day after the incident and things went okay,” Jin said, “we had a couple issues. There were hostages taken by peacekeepers and Jinyoung wanted to lead a rescue mission but he was physically a mess from the change in dosages of the drugs. We worked it carefully to keep as much pressure off of him as possible.”

“I led teams inside to clear the way before we let him get close,” Namjoon said, “we were careful.”

“On the mission we decided to use our archers to keep everything quiet,” Jin said, “Mark and Jinyoung were both key to that. When we went in but hit a snag because Jinyoung couldn’t shoot straight, his arrows missed the targets multiple times.” Jinyoung missing a shot was definitely not normal. “With Mark’s help we were able to still get through but it was sad seeing him frustrated with himself.”

“I have the footage from District 9 as well,” Wooyoung spoke up.

“Roll it,” Namjoon replied. 

Another video came on in which Jinyoung was shown as he walked into a room where peacekeepers lay dead all around. Jinyoung walked in the center of the room towards a group of people Jaebeom assumed were the hostages. Jinyoung reached out a hand to them and it was a small child who took it. The people followed him as he walked with that child’s hand in his own. The fight was won easily and they walked out without any resistance. The footage ended with Jinyoung returning the child to his mother. It was impactful in every way.

“After that we defied Chae and went to district 5 because we’d heard of a bombing that had taken place there,” Jin said, “our district had lost control of the dam and it caused issues for our progress of controlling our home. Jinyoung demanded we go despite Chae ordering us back so we went, his demand saved Namjoon’s cousin’s life.”

“He was badly injured,” Namjoon added, “I was going to follow orders and return back to base but Jinyoung changed that because, well, Jinyoung usually gets what he wants. Jinyoung saved Jimin’s life by making that decision, I hate thinking how I would have listened to Chae...”

“We have footage from there as well,” Jin said, gesturing to Wooyoung. Jaebeom found it convenient that there was so much footage but it was also unsettling. Jinyoung’s life was all on film it seemed.

Wooyoung pulled up another video of Jinyoung. The footage at first scanned over the ruins and the destruction the bombs had made. When Jinyoung was on camera Jinyoung was holding a child, a child who clung to him as he called all the districts to join the revolution. Jaebeom was beginning to see why Jinyoung was a threat to anyone who would want power clearer and clearer.

Jinyoung was suffering while the footage had taken place, yet he was still bright and shining. He held his own despite the opposition. That was how Jinyoung always was, bloodied and battered he would still stand and do incredible things that moved everyone watching. He ignited their wildest imaginations of what was possible. Of course whatever he would choose the people would follow. Jaebeom was confused though because Chae could have worked with him, why would she want to work against him?

“It was after this,” Jin continued, “that Yang aired that broadcast showing you off, dangling you in front of Jinyoung. The timing was bad, it was as if Yang knew... Jinyoung panicked badly in front of most of the district, you didn’t look okay at all. It was difficult to calm him but I was able to talk him down. Your warning about the bombing saved us and we went deeper underground to hide out.”

“When we were down there,” Jackson took up speaking, “there was a time where I got to talk to Jinyoung, the others were looking for Youngmin.” They let Jackson continue without shouting at him, “he asked why everything was on him. Actually having that conversation gave me a bit of understanding of how bad the pressure on him was. I actually think we all contributed to that in some way.”

“We didn’t really gauge it correctly,” Jin admitted, “because he made the deals with Chae himself, we let it be as if it was all his decision. But we were all there as a part of it… He actually seemed fine every time he talked about it but I can’t imagine what that really felt like.” Everyone was silent for a moment as if feeling the weight of what Jin had just said. They were all examining what had happened and their role in it, Jaebeom understood what that felt like.

“Well the next part of the story is where Jinyoung jumped out a window,” Jackson interrupted the silence.

“Jackson!” They all said together again. It was a complete interruption in the current process they were on. Jaebeom would have laughed if all of the story wasn’t so distressing.

“I am very interested to hear why he had to jump out a window,” Jaebeom responded, “it seems to be all Jackson can talk about.”

“Well,” Jin said, “what comes before is important as well. This isn’t the first time we just trusted Jinyoung, after the bombs everyone wanted to pitch in to help fix things around the base. The night underground was difficult and none of us had a dose for Jinyoung to take that night. We didn’t get him a dose until the morning. With how we were detoxing him, missing a dose was really hard on him. So we let him rest while we worked but we left him alone. He left his unit, we assumed he was with someone. When we found him again he was in a deep sleep in his bed.”

“Every time we woke him up he passed out again,” Jin said, “He was clearly under heavy influence of the drugs. Youngmin tested his blood and found a higher level of the drugs in his system than even when he’d almost overdosed, it was frightening. We began to search for where he was stashing the drugs, because we believed he was still on them. Jackson found them in the vents where we’d found Jinyoung before.” That seemed odd at face value, Jaebeom knew Jinyoung was smart and hiding them in the same place didn’t seem smart.

“Youngmin confronted Jinyoung,” Jin continued, “Jinyoung maintained that he didn’t take it but the evidence was very much against him. We never found out what actually happened, but we have our suspicions that Chae set him up, he went to the hospital that day and said he got an injection.”

“That very well could have been a lie, knowing what we know now,” Namjoon brought up. Jaebeom wasn’t so sure that was the case.

“No, it makes sense if that happened,” Jaebeom said, “the nurse tried to inject Jinyoung with something just this morning, with me there, and he freaked out. He knew it could be administered that way which means it had probably happened before.”

“Makes sense,” Jin said, “but, like I said before, that happened in the hospital when we first arrived at 13, so I don’t know. It’s hard to know what to believe when we can’t trust anything Jinyoung says about it.” They all fell silent again.

“Can I tell the next part of the story?” Jackson asked pleadingly.

“Sure,” Jin said, “you were the only one actually there so you should tell it.”

“So Jinyoung ran away from his dad once his being on drugs was in question,” Jackson said, “and I saw him running and I said to myself, ‘Jackson you should stop him,’ so I ran after him. I caught up to him and grabbed him.”—Jackson illustrated his arm movement dramatically—“He was crying and said, ‘let me go,’ and I didn’t until he told me he wanted to go home. That he wanted me to take him home, no one else. I wanted to earn his trust so I decided to give him what he wanted.”

“It’s debatable whether or not that was a good plan,” Namjoon said. 

“Hey,” Jackson snaped, “how come you get to interrupt me?” 

“Because it is debatable whether or not that was a good idea!” Hoseok repeated Namjoon’s sentiment, “Chae sent out a team to force you back!” Jaebeom saw from all their faces they were still annoyed about the incident.

“We don’t actually know why they didn’t pick you up and bring you back in cuffs,” Namjoon said, “it was a serious issue. The council wanted you behind bars for it because you stole a hovercraft Jackson!”

“Jinyoung needed to go back,” Jackson said, “you all didn’t believe him and I thought it was strange we found the pills in the same place as before. He just needed a moment, and someone there who wasn’t going to jump on him over it.”

“Don’t pretend you weren’t doubtful as well,” Jin responded, “you were the one who went to the trouble of searching there.”

“My doubts faded when I saw how he was broken up over all of it,” Jackson said, “but anyways moving on, we went back to District 12 and to your house. You have so many books, hyung!” Jaebeom hadn’t thought about his home in District 12 in a long time, he wasn’t surprised Jinyoung had gone there seeking comfort.

“Anyways, we sat down together in your house and I talked to him a bit,” Jackson said, “It was good for him to get some stuff out. A big takeaway was he said he was tired about everyone being extra careful around him and treating him like he was breakable. He always preferred people say what they mean instead of trying to protect him with their words. I think he often feels stifled by the way we have all been protective of him. You know, you can learn a lot by just talking to him.”

“Yeah, you can if he lets you. But he’s not talkative at all when he wants to avoid things,” Jaebeom pointed out, “he has these silent periods he goes through where he just won’t give anything up. I got good at recognizing them and being able to talk him out of them.” He remembered a bit of what things had been like before the second arena.

“You got good at mimicking them too,” Jackson said.

The room got silent because of the way Jackson had said it and Jaebeom knew why. Everything was becoming increasingly more clear and it was painful to realize how wrong he had been but he’d had his own trauma to work through. There were excuses he could make, damage still done to him that he was afraid of. He couldn’t explain the darkest things he still felt in moments of time that threatened his sanity.

They wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain, it was all so deeply rooted in what Yang had done to him. His doctor had told him over and over what Yang did to him couldn’t change who he was. Youngmin had reminded him he didn’t have to fight alone. He was trying to change his mindset but it would take quite a bit more time if it did ever change.

He needed to be strong, to remember who he was before everything had happened to him but there was no way to just be the same. It was like stepping past his time in hell, to try and get to a better time in his mind. It wasn’t easy, there were many times his mind would freeze on a painful experience and lock him down in his own pain. He needed to be stronger for Jinyoung and for himself.

“After we talked he went up to your room to sleep,” Jackson continued after a moment, “I got curious about District 13’s military breakdown and the hovercraft was just right there, so I went on board the ship and got on the computer to read up on all of it. That was when Yang’s men arrived. I wanted to get to Jinyoung but there was no time for me to get to the house without being seen. I got the guns from the ship and hid and waited with a plan of assessing their numbers, then I heard the commotion.”

“Wait we have the footage from there too,” Wooyoung interrupted, “we could just show him how crazy it all got.”

“How good is this footage?” Jin asked, “I only saw the edit.”

“Chae’s team did make it to District 13, we know that, but they didn’t step in, even with Jinyoung in the line of fire,” Namjoon mused. “Instead they filmed it...” There was a question there and Jaebeom could only wonder too. Why had they filmed it?

“Have you ever tried to say no to Hani hyung?” Taehyung asked, “she was on the ship and she told me she forced them to stay high in the air and send down mobile cameras to film once they saw Yang’s troops.” It was odd to Jaebeom that Hani had been on the ship as well, what use would she have been to a District 13 strike team? 

“Oh, so that’s where the footage came from,” Jackson said, “I always thought no one would believe me until I found out there was footage. I guess I got so used to there always being footage, I just didn’t question where it came from.”

“We can play it,” Wooyoung said.

“Can I describe it first?” Jackson said, “I really want to describe what I saw!”

“It’s the raw footage,” Wooyoung said.

“Fine,” Jackson conceded.

Wooyoung pulled up four different camera views of the outside of Jaebeom’s house. 

Nothing was visible at first till the peacekeepers walked into his house. One of the cameras flew up to the window. There was Jinyoung just waking up in Jaebeom’s bed. He walked out the door of Jaebeom’s room. The camera veered off as Jinyoung saw the peacekeepers and jumped into the next room, Jaebeom recognized it. The camera went out one window and towards another. Jinyoung was behind a desk in Jaebeom’s upper study, almost completely exposed except for the desk. Jaebeom saw him glancing at the desk drawers.

Jaebeom found himself hoping for Jinyoung to find the gun he’d hidden there. Virtually no one in the districts had one, Jaebeom had swiped it off a peacekeeper when he’d had a reckless streak at 17. He knew the gun was fully loaded and always in that desk drawer. Peacekeepers entered the room and Jinyoung grabbed the top drawer, and yanked it out. Jaebeom was left to wonder if Jinyoung had poked around his study in the past and knew he kept a gun there or if he’d just guessed there would be one.

Jinyoung grabbed the gun fast and Jaebeom was amazed at how quickly he shot it. The peacekeepers were at bay momentarily because they were shocked that he had a weapon. Jaebeom knew the mission goal was to capture Jinyoung. Yang had boasted about it, but the capture mission he’d been so confident in had failed. Jinyoung was cornered but there was a window behind him, so Jaebeom had a hunch as to what was coming.

“This is where he jumped out the window!” Jackson declared, but Jaebeom didn’t know what happened after. Had he hurt himself? Jaebeom’s heart was pounding as he watched Jinyoung fire another shot then run towards the window. It happened so fast Jaebeom wondered how Jinyoung had time to think of it. Jinyoung hung off the windowsill with his hands and threw himself out.

“The peacekeepers were shouting,” Jackson said, “I was close enough to hear them shouting about how 'this mission was supposed to be easy'. I also had a perfect view to see him here. A peacekeeper shouted, ‘he jumped out the window!’ I was worried for a moment but he got up.” 

Jaebeom was amazed, he had landed perfectly on the ground and he was able to get up fast. Jaebeom guessed the years of climbing trees in the forest had taught him how to move like that. Peacekeepers fired on him as he ran towards the other house. Jaebeom wondered for a moment if he was trying to get himself caught; the peacekeepers were trying to corner him and he’d be cornered in a house. The camera lost sight of him then Jaebeom saw action in a different one.

An arrow pierced a peacekeeper's armor. He wished these cameras had audio because he saw peacekeepers shouting and running. A camera slipped into Jinyoung’s house and found him crouched down with the bow he had kept in his home. Jaebeom should have guessed exactly what Jinyoung was going for. That weapon to Jinyoung was better than a gun. He had no issues aiming it like the gun.

Jinyoung stopped and his facial expression changed at something one of the peacekeepers said. Jaebeom saw the way his eyes shifted, they’d said something that bothered him. There was fear on his face, even though he had the clear upper hand.

“What did they say to him?” Jaebeom asked Jackson.

“They threatened you,” Jackson replied reluctantly, “said you would die if Jinyoung didn’t surrender.” It was then that Jackson joined the fight, firing from his ship.

The video showed Jinyoung's face changing again as he raised the bow, things kept going. Jinyoung was firing despite the threat, peacekeepers were taking cover as Jackson fired from the ship as well. Jinyoung's face was visible as he fired. There was a fire and determination in his eyes, and also tears. Jaebeom was in awe as Jinyoung stepped out of the house with his bow raised. It was a bold move and several cameras followed on as Jinyoung walked forward. He fired off arrows as tears began to stream down his face. His arrows hit their marks, over and over again. Peacekeepers were running, fleeing from him and he was taking them all on.

The expression in his eyes, a closeup shot. The mixture of emotions resting there, Jaebeom realized what all he’d done had cost him. Jinyoung’s first kill may have been in the games, but this was Jinyoung entering a war he hadn't wanted before and making the decision to fight it head on. The reason, because of Jaebeom. Because Yang had Jaebeom.

The reality was Jinyoung's focus and strength, those were things that were scary enough to make trained soldiers run from him. Jinyoung was a phoenix, he was a fire in the way he moved. Watching the video no one would ever guess what he had gone through to get to that point. It started to make sense why things had gone the way they’d gone.

What also made sense after this was how easily Jinyoung would be able to lie to people. This would have made them think so many things. They saw someone with determination taking control of the narrative. They saw what Jaebeom saw, a measureless strength against the odds. This was why President Chae sought to control him, why she sought to end him. If he really realized how that strength was bare on display in the fire that burns inside his eyes, he could take on much more than Yang. Of course he was the one to unite the districts, no one else could be that.

Even while experiencing psychosis and drug addiction, Jinyoung’s strength was vibrant. Everyone who sought power likely feared him. 

"So he really did jump out a window," was the only comment Jaebeom could make. Jackson was practically shouting about how crazy it was to witness, the others also had comments but Jaebeom wasn’t listening. Jaebeom's mind was on how Jinyoung looked in the face of the enemy. Of course they’d run.

The others explained how Jinyoung got the rescue organized, how he subverted Chae's authority multiple times and made a swift move. He had been the one to plan the entire rescue mission and battle in District 5. He’d weighed out everything and planned and prepared it all. Jinyoung had done that, he had done all he could to get Jaebeom back and Jaebeom... Jaebeom had thrown it in his face. Jaebeom had shut down on him. Jaebeom didn't try, he shut him out after he got shot. 

Jinyoung didn't stop even with all of that going on. He went out fight after fight to keep the war moving.

Jaebeom remembered in his darkest moments it was Jinyoung's name that gave him hope. Jinyoung was always coming for him.

There was a lot more to hear, they tried to condense things down. It became apparent to Jaebeom that Jinyoung had been back on the drugs since before the rescue. It was the only way he wouldn't have been going through withdrawals during that time. He had played the game well, no one suspected a thing because Jinyoung was so strong.

Perhaps the confidence he had gained had lent credence to his lies. Maybe it allowed him to begin to believe them himself. Jaebeom didn't know. What he did know was his own actions contributed to where they were now in a huge way. His actions had driven Jinyoung to running away again.

And if anything happened to Jinyoung, Jaebeom would blame himself. He realized he didn’t want to add Jinyoung to the list of people he’d lost. That meant he would have to fight for Jinyoung.

They couldn't go out into the city immediately due to the night. They had to wait for the sunrise. That night his sleep was restless nightmares, belief that Yang could still destroy them. But his nightmares were worse knowing what else he knew. He was worried that Yang could find them, or that Chae could control them.

Jaebeom worried in the end Jinyoung would dissolve to ashes like he said he would. Jaebeom couldn't bear that.

He needed to save him. He needed to fix things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is long with a lot of ground covered and a lot of back and forth. I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave a comment, kudos, bookmark and share. Thank you all for sticking with me.


	11. You Should Be Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung faces a new challenge with his team, and Jaebeom departs on his mission to find Jinyoung.

When he shivered that night it wasn't just the cold seeping into his veins through blankets and layers of clothing, and it wasn't the withdrawal clawing its way through his veins. Jinyoung felt the same anxious energy that had defined him during the hunger games. He was restless, uneasy, it was difficult to push past those feelings. No place would be safe for them in the outer rings of the Capitol, resting could easily lead to their undoing. It had become an arena, a place meant to kill them.

Jinyoung remembered the cold of the snow as it had fallen down on his head. He remembered he held Jungkook in the cold darkness. He’d thought naively that he could protect that innocent child from what was meant to be an execution for all but one… The cruelness of hope that was easily broken before him, broken before the whole of Panem.

It was the reason for the Hunger Games' existence. To show the people it didn’t matter what hope they had, what victories they gained, it could be stripped piece by piece from them until hope was destroyed before their eyes. That was what Yang wanted to do to them again in the war. Where every district had finally brought the war to him, the new arena was designed to break all of them like Jinyoung had been broken. 

They’d ripped him apart so many times, he felt like a patchwork quilt. Like the blankets his mother had sewn together from whatever fabric she could collect in an effort to keep them warm and safe. Everyone had tried to piece him back together but there wasn’t much left. He was tattered threads trying to keep moving forward because it was all he could do. There wasn’t anything of hope left woven into who he was. He’d given those parts of himself up to anyone and everyone who needed them. 

They were all trapped in a Hunger Games. Their whole lives they’d been trapped scrapping to survive, with a cruel taskmaster throwing challenges and painful moments at them. His life was a desperate fight for survival. To keep his head above water, to stay steps ahead of the hunger that had clawed in his stomach threatening to drive him insane. Scrapping for food, enough to keep his father and brother alive. Scrapping for anything he could get to buy medicine to keep Youngjae breathing. His whole reason for everything had been Youngjae. 

Youngjae would be safe when Jinyoung created a new world. He’d be able to live in peace and safety once Jinyoung was done. That was reason enough to face another arena, a different fight in which he had no hope of ever returning. 

There wasn’t hope left for Jinyoung but there was hope left for Youngjae, for Panem, for all those he cared about. He laid breathing, his body in pain, breaking down. He guessed he was cold, he couldn’t find any place of sleep with how his body was slowly speeding up, released from the drug haze that kept him down. He opened his eyes, chills running through his veins as he sat up to look around where they were. Moonlight streamed into the ruined building they’d encamped themselves in. They’d hoped for a brief respite and safety within its mouth but Jinyoung felt there was no place of safety in the new arena. 

He sat up, dazed for a moment as he looked around at his companions who were sleeping soundly. All except one who sat in the distance outside the building, watching for any sign of trouble. Jinyoung wondered what time of night it was and how long it would be until dawn would break again. He was scared of what would happen to them in the night. There had been no trouble but he didn’t trust that the peace of it would hold for much longer. He knew too much about how Yang’s twisted mind worked.

It wasn’t Yang’s twisted mind that had been able to entrap Jinyoung. Even when Yang had the upper hand in having Jaebeom in his grasp he hadn’t come up with a plan that was able to destroy Jinyoung. Not the way Chae had. 

Jinyoung turned but found himself limited in how he could move. He was still leashed up, tied to Hyungwon who was sleeping soundly nearby. He huffed, it was annoying how Shownu and the others were acting like he shouldn’t be allowed to make his own decisions. It seemed everyone wanted to exert some sort of control over him for different reasons. He tried to idealize times when he’d been free but there were always the peacekeepers looming over his actions, if he’d been caught beyond the fence as a child he would have been imprisoned.

His eyes searched again in the night to see the moonlight reflected where Shownu was sitting. There were noises in the distance of the dark night that he could hear in the midst of silence. Jinyoung squinted in the dark beyond but there was nothing else he could see other than what was close. Jinyoung saw how soundly everyone else slept and wondered if he would have been the same if his body was behaving as normal. He doubted it with the nervous energy that he was sure would still be moving in his body.

He laid back and pulled his pill bottle out of his pocket. He wondered if he should take any, the dire situation they could be in scared him. He didn’t want to sleep so deep that he wouldn’t be able to wake up if there was danger. Maybe he would take one… or maybe no more. He looked at the bottle and let his hand drop. Things could easily go south at any moment and it was better to be teetering on the edge of a nervous breakdown than to be too calm. 

He heard noises and only one of his ears could hear things well as the other remained plugged up. The things he could hear made him nervous. He put his pill bottle away and turned to lay on his side and listened for the noises with the one ear he had working. The noises sounded like buzzing pulses and were going off at what he believed to be regular intervals. He counted each pulse and counted the seconds between them to identify the pattern. The beats of them were the same, playing over and over again. He didn't like it, it felt completely wrong. It was something that had been put on by their enemies, he was sure of it.

He sat up again and moved against the pull of the leash he was on, he wondered if he could find his way to get it off. He looked at Hyungwon and how he slept completely soundly. Jinyoung turned and reached over to where the loop was hooked in a carabiner and hooked to Hyungwon’s belt. Jinyoung assumed the carabiner would be easy to open since no one was watching him; he was going to be able to get free from the humiliating trap they’d put him in.

He touched the carabiner carefully so that he wouldn’t cause too much tension and risk waking the sleeping boy. Jinyoung pushed on the hinged part of the carabiner and found it didn't come open quite as easily as he had thought it would. He wondered, how had Shownu switched it so easily? He’d assumed it was just a simple mechanism not something complicated. He looked at it for a second, it was dark and difficult to see much. He wondered if maybe he was applying pressure to the wrong part. He tried again, squeezing different parts of the metal. He couldn’t find where the hinge would move to allow it to open.

He huffed and dropped his head. Of course Shownu wouldn't make it easy on him, the man thought it was his job to protect Jinyoung for some reason. Jinyoung moved and sprawled out on his stomach, to keep staring at the stupid device that was keeping him stuck to someone else. He needed to figure it out so that he could get out of it. They’d put it on him all because he had run away that one time... and that other time... and the other time... but he didn't think any of that mattered. He’d always had good reasons for the things he’d done. If he ran from them again he would have a good reason to do it.

He reached his hand to touch the carabiner again, there had to be something to it that made it easy for Shownu to open it. From what he could tell it wasn't bio locked, nor voice locked. It was something in the device itself, a mechanism that he should have been able to locate if he kept searching. He ran his fingers over the metal in a search for it. His fingers brushed an area that felt different, and he wondered if he’d found it. 

He pressed at the different area to try and figure it out but nothing happened. He was getting frustrated and as he listened he noticed that buzzing was slightly louder which indicated that it was getting closer. He didn't like any of it, he felt like he was trapped with an ever approaching danger looming.

"Shownu," he whispered loudly for the leader of their group. He didn’t want to wake anyone else but he had no intention of going back to sleep. He wanted to get up and move around, stretch his limbs… He whispered the leader's name again and Shownu's head turned towards his call.

"What's up?" he whispered in response. Jinyoung barely heard it because of his blocked ear.

"Can you please help me get up?" Jinyoung whined with another louder whisper, "I want to sit by you at least, I can't sleep." Sleep wouldn’t be a problem if he took more of the drug, but he didn’t want to do that. He huffed as he thought about how people in his life thought he wasn’t in control of his drug intake when he clearly was. He knew when it wasn’t a good idea to take them.

"Okay," Shownu stood up from where he was and walked over carefully. He had to step over some of the boys to get to where Jinyoung and Hyungwon were laid out. When Shownu got to them he unhooked the carabiner with no issue which caused a stab of frustration to go through Jinyoung. Shownu then helped Jinyoung stand and hooked the awful loop to his own belt. Shownu led the way and Jinyoung carefully followed him back to where he had been sitting keeping watch.

"Is all this that necessary?" Jinyoung grumbled in his frustration, "surely to sleep with people keeping watch you wouldn't need to have me hooked to someone at all times." It wouldn’t be easy for him to slip away with someone always awake.

"Maybe not, but we're not in the position to take any risks," Shownu responded, "all this is more dangerous than what we dealt with in the districts, I'd rather keep you close than have to try to track you down in this mess." No one else had to be tied up. 

"If I ran away in this mess I'd be really stupid," Jinyoung grumbled again, "I wouldn't do that." He wasn’t sure if he actually would keep to that, he might run once they got closer to the Capitol. What happened there would be on his shoulders. He was the one who was meant to kill Yang so he had to do it. He didn’t want anyone else to be tied up in the fight between him and Yang or his own eventual demise. He wasn’t even sure how he was supposed to kill Yang, just that he was supposed to try.

"Jinyoung, can you honestly tell me your mind is in the right place for all of this?" Shownu asked, "because I might believe you but I don't trust the substance you're on. Even if you think you're in control, it's messing with your head." Jinyoung disagreed, Shownu didn’t know what it was for or his history.

"It doesn't mess with my mind," Jinyoung said, “It makes me calm, it helps me sleep.” That was all he’d ever wanted, a way to sleep his days away in complete calm to hide from the reality that was too much for him.

"I think you're wrong and it does mess with your head," Shownu disagreed, "those kinds of things always do. It may be subtle to you, but gradual changes add up and I’ve noticed them for weeks. Excuse me for saying it, but your behavior keeps changing and I don’t think you are yourself right now." 

Jinyoung didn't agree. He didn’t get up in the middle of the night to listen to Shownu question his choices. He didn't like being examined closely by anyone who knew his situation. Shownu didn’t even know him, and Jinyoung didn’t want to argue with him about anything. He could accuse Shownu of not really understanding him but it wouldn’t get them anywhere. What he was doing was his choice and no one was going to take it away from him. They already tried to take all his other choices away from him. His own physical and mental state depended on the calm of the substance so he had no intention of trying to do anything to change that. He accepted what he’d done to himself.

He was more interested in the sounds that he heard in the darkness than the things that concerned his mind. He was certain the sound was someone targeting him. They were looking for them, his enemies. It reminded him of nights in the arena and the ever present danger. His ear listened to the sound of the buzzing echoing. Closer and closer.

"Do you hear that?" Jinyoung wanted to change the subject to the reason he’d gotten up in the first place. The pulse sounds were growing more unnerving to him. 

"Yeah I hear it," Shownu said, "it's been going all night, it gets closer then fades back into the distance. It will turn back from wherever it came from soon." Jinyoung couldn’t erase the thought that whatever it was, they were looking for him.

“I don’t like it,” Jinyoung said, “it reminds me of the games. It’s better to run than stick around and risk finding out what it is. We should get moving.” He was sure whatever it was would be dangerous and that it wasn’t just the pods they had to worry about. The Capitol could create all sorts of hybrid creatures and he’d seen enough to know they could be horrific. 

“Running at night could lead us to a host of issues,” Shownu said, “It would be dangerous if we ran into a trap we couldn’t physically see. We are safe here Jinyoung, I've been scanning for dangers, there’s nothing nearby so far.” 

“Do you know how the Hunger Games worked?” Jinyoung asked. He didn’t know if District 13 watched the games or knew anything about what went on in those arenas. If that was the case, Shownu was operating as if partially blind because there was no way he could understand just exactly what was about to be thrown at them.

“Some watched, I never wanted to know,” Shownu said. Jinyoung felt a slight resentment that children in District 13 knew nothing of what his reality was from the time he was a small child.

“Well you need to know just what it was like,” Jinyoung said, “each danger is meant to drive you towards another. Every victory you think you have is meant to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t trust anything in this arena. If you feel safe, you’re not. That’s the game Yang plays and he’s very good at it.” It was a game Chae played as well, she played Jinyoung so well. He’d been lulled into a feeling of safety because Jaebeom was safe, and he’d walked into the trap willingly.

“Are you scared?” Shownu asked.

Jinyoung couldn’t answer that, he couldn’t understand it. Fear had been everything that controlled him before, it had controlled him in many ways. Jaebeom was right about that. Something about being on the edge of death already took away the feeling of fear that had once been like the drug in his veins. What did he have left to be afraid of? Chae had already taken everything from him. 

No, not Chae… his own choices had cost him his trust and his relationships with those he loved. She had his life in her hands in such a way that Yang wasn’t even a threat to him anymore. The uprising would finish and reach its end with Yang’s death and Chae’s succession. It was too late for Yang to stop what was already in motion.

“We don’t have time to talk this over,” Jinyoung said as he heard the buzzing even closer, “that’s a threat out there and if you don’t think it can find us here make no mistake it will. Yang will have been after me the moment he knew I was in the city. He has cameras everywhere, he’s watching and he knows. So we have to get up and get out of here before it’s too late.”

“I don’t want to be hasty,” Shownu said. 

“We might not have time to even debate what it means to be hasty,” Jinyoung said. The sounds were getting louder with no indication that they would go back the way they came as Shownu had described. Jinyoung wondered how the others could just sleep through it. It was uncomfortable and he had only one ear properly taking it all in.

Jinyoung’s heart pounded, he guessed he was still scared or maybe it was just a sign of withdrawal. But he remembered too much, Yang’s gamemakers had left him running from death fog, running from horrific zombie mutts, and struggling through snowy nights. That was light compared to what some others had experienced from the tyrant. He didn’t want to face bigger things, worse things, but he could feel them coming.

He wanted to stand up and walk out into the darkness to try to see a bit clearer into the night beyond. He looked at the carabiner again with further frustration, there had to be an easy way to remove it. Shownu had done it in no time with no hesitation. He looked out towards the distance again. The buzzing suddenly stopped.

“See nothing to be scared of,” Shownu said. He clearly didn’t understand what Jinyoung had said.

“You should be scared,” Jinyoung said. His eyes watched for things his ears couldn’t detect. He was sure he saw movement in the dark over the buildings, far away. It was distant but he could see it. There was still time. “Get everyone up, now.” He stood up, he was sure they had to move, they had to run.

“What is it?” Shownu sounded intrigued by the worry in Jinyoung’s voice.

“Mutts,” Jinyoung said, “probably flying mutts but they landed on the buildings. That’s the difference in the buzzing and why it’s gone now. They’re looking for us!” He had seen how horrific the Capitol could make their mutts. He didn’t want to see these ones up close.

“Okay,” Shownu believed him and stood up as well. His expression wasn’t easy to decipher but he was looking at the buildings at the movement himself. Jinyoung saw his expression morph to one of concern and he turned back towards where the others were sleeping. Jinyoung got yanked for a second before they both realized Jinyoung would have to follow Shownu in due to the line connecting the both of them.

“You know this really is silly,” Jinyoung grumbled about it.

“Come on,” Shownu rolled his eyes and smirked as he turned back to the others. 

Shownu woke them up one by one, and everyone was upset about being woken up on what they deemed was just a hunch. Some of them stared out into the night and claimed they couldn’t see what Jinyoung was talking about. But Jinyoung knew what he saw and heard and he knew he wasn’t crazy, which was something Fei had suggested was true. Jinyoung glared at her, he didn’t think that anything he’d ever done was crazy. He’d merely responded to his circumstances the best way he could.

Jinyoung did his best to offer input as the discussions on what to do began. Out of all of them, he was sure he had the most experience with Yang. None of the others in their unit had been in a Hunger Games. Still, none of his companions seemed apt to want to listen to him. He was sure that something about being leashed to the leader of the group made him lose all credibility. They were acting like he was someone who needed to be babysat rather than a functionable member of their team. All despite the fact that he’d greatly assisted them in neutralizing several pods the day before with his bow. It was frustrating. He was the one who understood these games best.

Jinyoung listened to them all begin to argue about what to do. He was surprised at how quickly it turned into an argument when he was sure there was no reason to have one. There were mutts searching for them, all they could do was to run.

“Guys,” he tried to interrupt but no one listened, “excuse me.” He tried being patient but it was difficult not only being treated like an animal but being ignored like he had no viable input. He kept trying to raise his hand and speak but he was the ignored outsider.

“Shownu!” He called the leader for help. Shownu had listened to him in waking everyone up, so maybe he would give Jinyoung a way into the conversation.

“Hold on Jinyoung,” Shownu replied as he turned to Wonho but Fei started complaining about them needing to rest. 

“Shownu, I know what we should do!” He declared. Everyone arguing even in low tones was making noise, and he was sure the noise would give them away if the mutts were searching for them. He didn’t want to yell at them, not with the risk but he needed their attention on him.

He looked to the carabiner on Shownu’s belt and had an idea. 

No one was paying attention to him as he walked around the back of Shownu. The leash he was on wrapped around Shownu as Jinyoung moved and he waited till he was sure he would have the right angle. He moved fast, pulling on the leash that attached him to the other boy. The force of Jinyoung’s strong movement caused Shownu to twist around and almost fall. Jinyoung smirked as everyone went silent in response to what they were witnessing. Shownu looked at Jinyoung in confusion.

"Jinyoung what the hell?" Shownu asked. 

"Will you assholes just listen to me for two seconds?" Jinyoung demanded now that the attention was on him, "I am here on special assignment from President Chae, you guys have first tied me up against my will and now you're ignoring me. I'm not your prisoner, I am a member of this team! I have more experience against Yang's gamemakers than any of you and you will damn well listen right now. They mutts we are against can fly, we need to be able to limit their movements, or completely hide. Is there a basement in this building?" 

He took a breath after spitting it all out. He’d said it all so fast to keep them from being able to push him off again. He was sure he had the right idea of what needed to be done. They couldn't fight in the open against the mutts in the dark. Jinyoung knew too much about how that would go. The mutts could encircle them in the darkness and the mutts would have numbers on their side.

"Going underground is probably the best idea and If they follow us underground we could bomb them," Shownu said, "set up a trap of some sort.”

"Yeah that would work," Jinyoung agreed. Everyone else hummed in agreement as well.

"Sorry we didn't listen to you hyung," I.M. spoke up to apologize to him.

"It doesn't matter as long as we are on the same page now," Jinyoung was willing to let it go. They just had to get moving, because they didn’t have much time.

"We do have guns," Hyungwon said, "just so you know, flight or not we could actually do damage from the ground." Jinyoung didn’t think it would matter when there were so few of them. The Capitol could have sent many and Yang had his tricks.

"You need to think about it differently than anything you’ve faced in this war," Jinyoung responded, "Yang knows we have guns, so would he really send mutts that could be killed off with them easily? There is a counter to us and that might just be numbers, but they want us all dead. You could end up in a situation against mutts that shoot venom, then it doesn’t matter how good your guns are, we’ll be going down." The Capitol got their mutts from genetics found in nature and there were flying bugs that could spray out some nasty venom. 

"Wouldn't being below ground make it easier for them to hit us or box us in?" Wonho asked.

"If you have a swarm over you it's much more dangerous than a few," Jinyoung pointed out. He wasn’t sure if he was right but it was what he believed would happen.

"So we’re going underground," Shownu said, "if we go we need an exit plan and our bombs ready to bury them."

"We don't have much time," Minhyuk said, "so hurry and get everything together." 

"Agreed," Shownu said, "there is a basement level below us. The basement levels in this block are all connected," Shownu used the electronic map to give a visual of where they would be going, "there is an exit where they jet out, here." He pointed to the place in the map, "we thought there might be pods underground so we didn't go down there initially."

"Is there still a risk?" Jinyoung asked. He hadn’t thought of the potential of pods below, it had seemed like they’d all been dropped on the surface. But Yang would certainly have traps waiting below.

"Not a detectable one,” Shownu said. That was a good thing to hear. Their pod reader hadn’t detected any when they were walking above.

"We're going to have to risk it then," Jinyoung said, "and I honestly think a bigger risk is if something happens down there and we're stuck together. You should at least let me off the leash for this. I won't run from you." He might run… He couldn’t promise anything. The allure of getting to Yang alone without placing anyone else in danger was strong. But they all already were in danger so it wasn’t like Jinyoung could protect them by running.

"I'll make that decision if we're cornered," Shownu said, “I can easily unhook you if I need to.” He guessed it was all he could get out of the other man. He wasn’t going to keep an argument going.

The group got themselves together quickly and headed down into the basement, Jinyoung looked back towards the murk of the night as he descended into a different kind of darkness. He listened to the humming that had resumed in the distance, and the reality was it was going to be dangerous either way they chose to go. That was just the reality of the game Yang was playing. They had to hope they could outsmart the traps that were waiting for them.

Kihyun and I.M. led the way in the basements with flashlights lighting a path for them, followed closely by Shownu and Jinyoung. Shownu carried the pod detecting device high, scanning as they began their careful trek. Jinyoung held his bow tight in his right hand, his left hand was twitching, near tapping as he anticipated a need to use it. He kept his eyes focused because he knew he needed to be ready to fight at a moment’s notice. His body was buzzing with anxiety, withdrawals, moving faster but he welcomed that feeling.

They walked and Jinyoung took in his surroundings. He was curious about where they were and what life in the Capitol really was like. His view of it has been from captivity. He didn’t know what the city was really like. He looked around and believed they were walking through large storage rooms, it made him feel uncomfortable.

"Is this a trading center?" Jinyoung asked. Maybe the outer layer was like that, a place where they would trade. Since most of the goods came from the districts, it made sense to him that it would be designed that way.

"Yes," Shownu responded, "it's where the Capitol people come to get whatever they need. Most everything here came from the districts." It was sickening to see so much stuff, left and abandoned when there wasn’t enough to go around for the people in District 12 or the other districts.

"What is this exit we’re going for?" Jinyoung asked. He was curious about the Capitol, and where they would go once they got further in.

"It was where they used small crafts to bring the goods in and out," Shownu replied, “it will get us closer to the next ring of the Capitol.” 

"How do we know so much about it?" Jinyoung asked, it was curious that District 13 had so much information. Maybe they had spies on the inside, the war had been simmering below the surface for so long. 

"There are quite a few people in 13 who were Capitol defectors," Shownu said, “they shared with us information, actually helped us to get real maps of the Capitol. There are ay few who came from the Capitol years back. The goal was always to overthrow Yang.” District 13 had kept themselves hidden, shrouded in mystery but the Capitol had always known they were there. Or certain individuals in the Capitol. Somehow District 13 had goods that had to have been supplied from the Capitol, maybe from defectors or spies.

"Is there anyone I know who came from the Capitol?" Jinyoung questioned. He wondered about Shownu and the others, they seemed different to the rest of the soldiers in 13 but Shownu didn’t seem like he knew the Capitol. He had mentioned to Jinyoung before he’d grown up below ground in District 13.

"Yes," Shownu responded, "President Chae was originally a Capitol defector, and so were my parents."

"President Chae?" Jinyoung was surprised to hear it, he wondered why no one had told him before. How could a defector grow to lead a district? Had he heard that information before and had it just not stood out to him. It seemed crazy to him looking at what it was she was seemingly trying to accomplish. He assumed she not only wanted to take down Yang but take his place leading Panem.

"She was my mothers friend," Shownu said, "They were part of defecting from the Capitol together, a whole group arrived in District 13 back then, I was just a kid. I didn't know her well but she was always kind to me because of my mother." In Jinyoung’s experience Chae wasn't kind, Chae used people and Jinyoung wondered if she had somehow used Shownu’s mother. That was just what he had learned about her.

Jinyoung didn't want to talk about her, or hear her spoken of in a positive light. It wasn’t something he could handle, not after what she had done to him... He wanted to stay blaming her when he knew the reality was that he had done it to himself. He had chosen to get himself in trouble, in such a way that she could take advantage of him. He wondered if he should have told Shownu honestly from the get go of the mission, maybe the older soldier could have actually helped him.

But Jinyoung hadn’t wanted anyone else involved, so he stayed quiet about it. He still didn’t want anyone else involved. He was scared of being berated for his choices, he was done with being controlled. Jinyoung looked at the leash that had him bound to the older team member and remembered, Shownu was like the others. He would respond the same way everyone else had. They just wanted control, just like Chae did. Jinyoung was someone they were all using in their own way, so it didn’t matter if Shownu seemed nice, Jinyoung couldn’t trust him with the truth.

They walked for a good amount of time and Jinyoung wondered if they had escaped the mutts. He hoped the mutts wouldn’t be able to follow them below ground at all, but he was sure they would keep searching. He was sure it was Yang’s directive to find where he had gone in the city. Yang likely had cameras and knew that Jinyoung was there. Jinyoung was starting to settle into the long walk when he heard the buzzing once again. It was distant but still echoing through the tunnels. They had been discovered.

“That’s them,” Kihyun said. The group stopped and looked back, because of the echo in the tunnel it was hard to tell how far away they were. Jinyoung felt his heart rate increasing, the adrenaline of a coming fight was a familiar feeling.

“I.M, Hyungwon get the bombs set up now,” Shownu instricted. Jinyoung drew an arrow as he knew it would be his job to trigger the explosion. He was key to it, under pressure but Jinyoung always came alive under pressure. The survival instincts he’d cultivated as a child always came back when the heat was on. The two boys offloaded several bombs onto the tunnel walls. Jinyoung listened to the sounds getting closer. The boys finished setting up their bombs, the trap wasn’t planned with intricate finesse, it was all they could do on short notice.

“Run now,” Shownu told them all. They needed to get far enough away from the blast and hope it took down enough of the structure to keep them from being followed, but not so much that they all got crushed. They all moved together and ran quickly down the hallway.

They got to a point further down and Shownu ordered them to stop. Jinyoung was ready and he notched his arrow and aimed at the target that was further down from them. There was a flare left behind so Jinyoung could see the point to aim at. They had to wait until the creatures got closer to take as many out as possible, and Jinyoung’s heart pounded as he waited.

The creatures came in sight. It was dark but Jinyoung could just barely make out the light of the flare glistening off their bodies as they closed the distance. It wasn’t clear, the amalgamation of parts didn't quite make sense, but what he saw was terrifying. The swarm of mutts were something made of nightmares.

Their heads were humanoid, their faces were hideous. They had long sharp teeth and red eyes. Their bodies were like that of a grotesque insect; with what looked to be large scorpion stingers ready to strike. The loud buzzing noise the group had heard earlier came from translucent wings on their backs, which were large enough to carry their hulking bodies through the air. Jinyoung wondered who had decided to make something so horrifying, like the beasts that existed in Jaebeom's story books. Whose mind was so twisted to come up with it and make it real. He was momentarily frozen with fear of them.

“Jinyoung blast those monsters!” Kihyun shouted, snapping Jinyoung out of his state of shock. His aim was clear, he fired off an explosive arrow at the perfect time.

The series of explosions sounded and rocked the ground below their feet, they kept going as each bomb triggered another. The creatures screamed out a wretched and inhuman sound. Jinyoung watched, hoping it was enough. The bombs began to collapse the tunnel as cracks began to form, fracturing the concrete and splitting fissures into the ground.

“Run,” Shownu said as they watched the structure begin to crumble under the weight of itself. They had to get out of the tunnels and far away from the destruction.

They turned and ran, and Jinyoung heard the screams of the mutts. Explosions continued to go off, but they would stop. The ground beneath their feet was shaking, Jinyoung had to stay focused to keep running. He watched his steps to keep up with Shownu as they ran with strength through the halls ahead to where their way out would be, dry air heaving through their lungs.

They were running, and something caught Jinyoung’s attention. He felt something was completely wrong. He stopped and almost fell from being pulled by Shownu who had continued running. Jinyoung was pulled forward, jerked forward and forced to continue moving and it hurt. His whole body felt pain. 

“Damn it,” Jinyoung cried out.

“What’s up?” Shownu asked him as they continued to run, Jinyoung was forced to keep moving but he’d noticed too much. The ground was still shaking, and that shaking wasn’t from the explosions anymore. The ground beneath them was not stable.

“Is it...” Jinyoung was going to ask if it was a pod but he didn’t want to find out, “keep running!”

They all ran faster now and Jinyoung felt as if the ground beneath their feet was crumbling. He looked back to see that the place where they’d been, it was caving in. They had walked right into a trap and likely triggered it without knowing. They needed to get out before it caught up to them. He pushed himself to run faster, his body lighter than his companion, he pulled ahead of Shownu but he couldn’t run faster than the line would let him. They had to move together, Jinyoung tried to pull Shownu along to run faster.

Jinyoung assessed that Minhyuk and Fei were moving slower, dragging behind them, and many of the others were moving far ahead. Jinyoung felt his body pumping with adrenaline. They couldn’t stop, they couldn’t slow down or else they’d die. 

“Faster!” Jinyoung shouted. They were going to run out of time if they didn’t move faster. The ground was shaky, it was frightening to think that it could collapse in front of him and he’d be lost. The exit was in front of them, they could see it and they could see the sun was rising outside. Jinyoung hoped so much that the crumbling and shaking ended there at the end.

“Jinyoung go!” Shownu shouted at him to run even faster. Jinyoung struggled to keep his pace, to keep going with burning lungs and screaming muscles. He felt like his body was being pulled back because of the line holding him and Shownu together.

“Come on!” Wonho shouted for them as he reached the exit and stopped outside of it. The ground wasn’t shaking around him and that meant they could make it, that was the threshold. They were almost out. Jinyoung felt a spike of hope as he encouraged himself to keep running with every ounce of his strength.

The floor was then shaking violently and Jinyoung heard a shout and looked back. Minhyuk and Fei were gone, swallowed by the dark, and they were losing ground. Faster… he tried to run faster.

“Guys!” The rest had made it to the entrance except for Jinyoung and Shownu. Jinyoung’s heart pounded from the effort, they were so close. Jinyoung pushed himself faster, he was dragging Shownu forward with all the strength he had as he ran and reached for Wonho’s outstretched hand. 

Jinyoung grabbed for the man’s hand and the ground gave way. 

They were falling.

—————

Jaebeom was up before sunrise. Their whole team gathered together, their time was upon them. The morning chill woke him up on time for what would be their send off into the dangers of the Capitol beyond. They all were dressed in tactical gear that had been provided for them by Namjoon. Jaebeom was fitted with multiple weapons, knives and guns. The only one whose gear was different was Jin, as he carried a backpack with medical supplies and wore a medic band on his arm.

Jaebeom sighed as he looked out into the darkness on the edge of the entrance into the Capitol.   
They were a small team of five, fit together with the goal of rescuing Jinyoung. Jaebeom felt like it was almost like old times, like the arena since he was teamed up with Jackson, Seokjin and Yoongi. This time they had the addition of Hoseok who had never been in a Hunger Games, but whose skills were extremely necessary. Namjoon wanted to go but he couldn’t abandon his duties as one of District 5’s generals. So they would just be a team of five. 

Seokjin had to fight for his place on the team because his friends were worried, but in the end his medical experience and knowledge of Jinyoung’s case made him valuable. Yoongi of course wasn’t going to just let him go on his own. Yoongi was designated the team leader after Jackson relinquished the position. 

The key to their mission would be secrecy. Because of how sketchy everything had become with Chae, no one except their small group could know about what they were planning. Wooyoung hacked one of District 3’s devices, set it to Yoongi’s voice and changed the channel of the tracker to block out anyone from seeing it except him. Wooyoung would monitor them on their way in and report to Namjoon their progress. Wooyoung also gave them comm devices, he would use data from Shownu’s device to help them find Jinyoung.

The goal when they found Jinyoung would be to try and detox him as best they could while assisting him with completing Chae’s mission for him. They wouldn’t have time for a full detox, probably not even time for a partial one, the would just have to try to keep him alive. The important thing was that they would be there for him to help him manage it and to save his life.

“As the leader of this mission,” Yoongi said once they all gathered up, “I will be choosing our route through the city based on the information given to me by Wooyoung. We will have to take precautions as we move, but not shortcuts. We will find them, but it may take us time and I will ask all of you to be patient as we go.”

“That’s fine,” Jin spoke up, “as long as we get there.” Jaebeom agreed, he believed they would get there in time, they were a strong team.

“Watch each other's backs,” Namjoon told them, “we will send air support if you find yourself in need of an out, we promise to help you if you need it. District 5 stole several crafts from the Capitol. We will watch over you from here so don’t feel bad calling us if you really do need us.”

“Bring him back,” Taehyung added.

“And bring yourselves back,” Jimin said.

Jimin rushed forward to hug Jin and so did Taehyung. The elder victor was a mentor to all of them, Jaebeom could tell how much he meant to the whole group from District 5. He could also see the worried look in Namjoon’s eyes as Namjoon looked to Jin. After it was decided he and Jin went off to talk for a long time. They both looked scared of the future and what would happen.

But nothing would be changed about their team make up, Jin was going with them and so was Yoongi. The ones left behind would fear for them until they returned safe and sound. Jaebeom wasn’t willing to lose anyone on this team, but everyone knew it was a likely outcome because they were at war. It might be that none of them made it, it might be that several of them would be lost but they set out regardless and they set out hopeful for the best outcome.

They were hopeful that they would be enough. They were four Hunger Games victors and a former tribute escort who knew the Capitol well. All of them knew the game they were about to be entering into, and they knew the cost of what was ahead. If anyone could be ready for Yang’s game it was them.

“Well it’s time for operation Save the King,” Jin said as they all began to walk in. They laughed nervously as they realized the game was set again.

—————

Jinyoung’s body was pulled painfully as the ground beneath his feet crumbled away before he or Shownu could reach the end. His hand was being crushed in Wonho's firm grip as he fell. Jinyoung cried out, it was painful and he felt like his shoulder was going to dislocate from the strain. He stopped falling and hung in the air below the man as Wonho held onto a bar outside of the basement threshold, an anchor to keep himself from being pulled down with them. Jinyoung didn’t know if he could hold on to Wonho forever, but he held on with all his strength. He gritted his teeth to bear the pain and he looked down to where Shownu hung below him and looked up at him with a shocked fearful expression.

“I’ve got them,” Wonho shouted through a breath of air, but he was clearly struggling from the effort. He couldn’t hold them forever. The two of them were a lot of weight. Jinyoung was scared, his body unable to cope with the sudden rush of fear that drove it’s way through him. Jinyoung wanted to run and hide from the feeling, there was no way to erase it. He was afraid to die there, to fall into the void below.

“We can get them up!” Hyungwon shouted, and he and Kihyun rushed forward towards Wonho to help him. Jinyoung was in so much pain he felt spots around his vision. He was breathing heavy, unsure if he was going to pass out.

“Guys!” Jooheon shouted and Jinyoung wondered what he was seeing when he heard buzzing. The creatures… some of them were still coming. Jinyoung’s emotions were going haywire and he couldn’t get a hit of drugs to suppress them, he was falling apart and he realized that.

“Damn it!” Hyungwon shouted, “I.M! Jooheon! Focus your fire on those things now, take them down now. Kihyun, help me get the others up!” The boys moved into action quickly. Jinyoung looked down to where Shownu was below him. Shownu was looking up at them, his expression was one that was filled with conflict.

“They won’t be able to pull both of us up,” Shownu declared as their eyes met. Jinyoung was breathing heavily as he realized what Shownu was thinking.

“NO!” Jinyoung shouted at him, “they can do this. You’re not letting go of me!” He couldn’t bear the thought of losing Shownu, not when he was already such a mess. He needed the older soldier, he needed Shownu to help him get through the mission. Jinyoung didn’t want to lose him. Shownu’s protection and support of him had meant so much, and Jinyoung realized it in that moment with Shownu on the edge of being lost.

“Shownu we’ve got this just give us a moment!” Wonho shouted down at him. 

“The angle we’re at,” Shownu said to Jinyoung, “the weight, it’s too much for them without hurting you. If they throw us a rope I can grab on and unconnect us but they have to pull us up separately. That’s the only way this is going to work.” 

Jinyoung’s mind was frantic, he looked to the others desperately but they were fighting. There were mutts coming, and they were fighting.

“There is no time for a rope,” Hyungwon said, “just hold on, we’ve got you.”

The others came around Wonho and Jinyoung felt his body being lifted slowly. The weight of Shownu pulled at his shoulders and torso and it burned in his body. He struggled to breathe from the feelings of pain, he wouldn’t complain because he didn’t want Shownu to let go.

“They can do this,” Jinyoung gasped out as he looked down at Shownu. He saw so much uncertainty in the elders' eyes. There were more hands on his arms as they pulled him upwards. The boys were fighting for the both of them. Jinyoung knew he had to bear the pain of it for however long it took for them to be rescued.

Gunshots sounded and hideous screams of the creatures echoed in his ears, his mind, it was torment. Jinyoung looked down, dizzy with fear. There didn’t seem to be a bottom to the drop, at least not one he could see. If either of them did fall death was the guaranteed end for them.

He was being pulled up, the boys were doing it and he could feel it. He couldn’t let his fear overwhelm him, it was going to be okay.

“They can do this,” Jinyoung reassured his friend again. He saw the uncertainty in Shownu’s eyes.

It was then that Jinyoung slipped again, one of their hands slipped off Jinyoung and for a terrifying moment he thought he was going to fall. Wonho held strong, crying out as he did, and Jinyoung’s shoulder popped out for sure and he cried out with pain. He felt like his arm was going to be ripped off and tears filled his eyes. The hope drained from him, he was so scared.

“We can’t hold them forever!” I.M shouted. The other boys were continuing to fire at mutts but the buzzing sound was growing louder as more were coming.

“They need help, they need everyone,” Shownu said, “we’re out of time, I’m sorry.”

“Shownu, don’t!” Wonho shouted at him. No one wanted to lose him, Jinyoung was scared he couldn’t do anything to stop Shownu if Shownu just decided to let go.

“We can do this!” Hyungwon yelled down again and Jinyoung couldn’t help from whimpering when his useless arm was pulled upwards again. If they dropped him any part of the way again it would hurt. He reached his other arm, hoping to grab another hand to take the pressure down.

“There are too many!” Min shouted as she joined in firing at the mutts. The boys needed them all up so they could join the fight.

“Jinyoung!” Shownu shouted up at him, “this is your mission, not mine. The device will respond to your voice, you can lead them on. You can do this, we all believe in you.” Jinyoung’s second hand grabbed Kihyun’s desperately. They needed to keep trying. 

“Shownu please,” Jinyoung cried, “please don’t let go, I can’t do this without you.” He looked up to the other boys for help as they kept trying to lift him up. Their faces were frantic, filled with fear.

“I’m sorry Jinyoung,” Shownu said, “I can’t go with you the whole way. Your life is more important than mine.” Jinyoung didn’t want this, he didn’t believe that his life was more important than anyone else's. Shownu’s life was important to him. Shownu’s life mattered more to him than his own but he wasn’t the one hanging off the line, he wasn’t the one with the decision.

“Don’t let go, Shownu please!” Wonho wasn’t willing to let it happen either. He’d tried so hard to save them. They were all still trying so hard.

“I’m sorry,” Shownu said again, and Jinyoung felt him moving. He looked back down to see what he was doing. Shownu took his backpack off and Jinyoung saw him grab the carabiner. It didn’t seem to matter what anyone said, Shownu wasn’t listening. Jinyoung wanted to reject what was happening, he wanted to fight it so badly.

“They can throw a rope or something,” Jinyoung cried, “please, you can’t give up on me now!”

“Jinyoung,” Shownu called up to him, “I’m letting go now, we’re out of options.” The boys were scrambling to get them up but Shownu was already making his choice. Jinyoung felt them pulling with all their strength, but he watched Shownu connecting the backpack to the carabiner and knew why. He didn’t want it to happen.

“Please,” Jinyoung begged, “I don’t want to do this alone.” 

That reality struck him hard. He had never wanted to do it alone, he was tired of trying so hard to keep himself held together, to fight alone. He had forced himself to think he needed to do it on his own, because of what was happening in that moment. Because people always died in trying to help him.

“You won’t be alone,” Shownu said, “I promise you.” Shownu looked up at Jinyoung, his expression no longer filled with fear but with admiration as he looked. Jinyoung struggled to keep watching as Shownu’s hand moved and he undid the mechanism that had kept them locked together. Jinyoung cried out as he did.

“SHOWNU!” Jinyoung screamed his name as Shownu let go and gave up. Jinyoung watched him as he fell, his heart crying out, screaming in pain. The weight of Shownu was removed from him in an instant and his body cried in relief but his heart was heavy.

“SHOWNU!” Hyungwon shouted as well. The other boys were shouting his name. The weight was gone, and Jinyoung felt himself lifting up as the other two pulled. He watched as Shownu fell and disappeared from his sight, plummeting into the dark. Tears spilled from his eyes down into the cavern below as he felt like his soul was broken. Gunshots fired into mutts that still buzzed in the air, because the battle wasn’t won.

Jinyoung was easily pulled up to solid ground by the boys after the weight was lightened, and the last thing to come up was Shownu’s backpack without him. Jinyoung couldn’t stop himself crying as Wonho pulled him into his arms and the other two boys got up to join the fight. Jinyoung couldn’t even think, his arm and body hurt. He was falling apart. He wanted Shownu, wanted the older man to come back, to somehow return to them. But that wouldn’t happen, he was gone, gone forever.

“Jinyoung I have to put your shoulder back in,” Wonho said through his own tears, “I’ve got you, you’re not alone.”

Jinyoung didn’t respond. His mind went blank and numb as he felt himself retreating into disassociating from what was happening to him. His body felt horrible and as Wonho moved him to try and help him. He couldn’t respond to anything but Wonho moved him and popped his shoulder back in. He felt the pain but he didn’t respond, he couldn’t respond. Wonho hugged Jinyoung again, his eyes were crying but Jinyoung felt like he wasn’t there anymore.

He couldn’t understand anything anymore. He didn’t want it anymore.

Why couldn’t people stop leaving him? 

Why was he cursed like this?

He didn’t care anymore. It would all be over soon. He could finish the mission and die soon then his pain would end forever.

He retreated into himself as deeply as he could go and felt the world go dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, I'm back. Thank you everyone who waited patiently. This was a sad one to write, a difficult chapter and I am sorry you had to go through it. Thanks for reading, please leave comments and kudos to let me know what you think. Thanks.


	12. Fires Burn Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung has to face that he is now in charge of leading the team, while Yoongi continues to guide his own team through the City.

_The sun felt too bright, the way it shined down made him blink his eyes. Jaebeom stopped where he stepped, everything in his small body wanted to draw back from where he was walking. He was scared, stuck with nowhere to run. He stopped on the dirt path, as people passed._

_“Jaebeom,” His father called his name, Jaebeom looked up squinting as his eyes caught the sun. It burned his retina’s, he stepped back as his father walked towards him. Tears filled his eyes as his dad reached to grab his arm, and started walking. To keep him walking. He’d known practically his whole life that the day was coming, and he’d made it through the first time. He was terrified this time, his name in more than it should have been for his age because his father had traded his name for food._

_“You won’t get picked,” his father said as they walked, “there’s a lot of boys older than you with their name in there a lot more times. It’s not going to be you, don’t be afraid.” Jaebeom looked back where his mother walked with his sister. They hung back, her eyes wouldn’t look at his. His father was practically dragging him forward._

_They walked into the town where lines had formed like they did every year. The boys and girls who were age eligible for the Hunger Games were forced to sign in without their parents and shuffled into big groups in front of everyone. Like sheep for the slaughter. Jaebeom’s father let go of his arm as they approached it._

_There were peacekeepers everywhere, standing in white, watching to make sure there was no trouble. Jaebeom could feel anxiety, fear, he didn’t want to be there. He was scared of what would happen if his name was drawn. There was no way he could win a Hunger Games, there was no way he’d ever be returning to his family if he was picked. He’d be going to the Capitol to die._

_“Jaebeom,” his father demanded his attention with a stern voice. Jaebeom looked up at the man with tears in his eyes as he did._

_“You’re my child,” his father said, “that means you have to be brave. This is no time to cry son, you’re going to be fine. We’ll be going home this afternoon to bake some bread. Don’t cry, go get in line. I’ll see you soon.”_

_“Yes, Dad,” Jaebeom said._

_Jaebeom nodded. His father always hated crying. Jaebeom shouldn’t cry, he knew that was probably the truth. Nothing bad had happened, they were just lining up for the reaping. His father was right, there was only a low chance of his name being called. He didn’t have to be afraid._

_He turned and stood in line. He got his check in. He walked. He waited._

_The sun glared down at him, he squinted against it. The stage was the same as always, he’d been watching reapings when he was small, before he was forced into it himself._

_He counted seconds, reminding himself over and over. He’d be going home again soon. He’d go with his parents back to their small home. They’d make bread and tell stories, they’d sleep peacefully and thankfully for another year gone by. And the anxiety would fade until he started counting down the days to the reaping again, and counting down the years till he could turn nineteen and escape that dreaded day. But his sister would be eligible after him._

_The cycle would continue until they were both free._

_Jaebeom closed his eyes to block out the harsh rays of sun. A girl's name was called, he flinched as he realized the boy's name would be called next. He opened his eyes as the tribute escort stood over the bowl. Ahn Hani’s hands hovered over the glass as she smiled, as if what was going on was worth smiling about._

_Jaebeom’s heart felt like it would burst from how hard it beat in his chest._

_“Lim Jaebeom.”_

_He didn’t hear anything she said after that. He didn’t hear, he didn’t see. Everything blanked out, the thing he’d feared the most was coming true…_

_Jaebeom walked. There were no sounds except for the sounds of his feet against the dirt.._

_…_

_“Here,” a guard shoved him, “you’ll get to say goodbye to your family in this room.”_

_Jaebeom was pushed forward, the door was closed behind him. He looked around the empty room, there were other doors. He was confused, his fists he held close to his body, squeezing all his fingers together in an effort not to cry. His dad wouldn’t like it if he cried._

_He had to be brave, to be strong. He wasn’t going to cry._

_He wasn’t going home._

_He waited staring at the doors, he was sure his parents would walk through any moment to say goodbye. The guard had said they’d come say goodbye. He stood and waited, it felt like hours._

_The guard came back for him and it hit him… they weren’t coming._

_…_

_He hated the Capitol, hated the city. Hated the costumes they put on him to parade him in front of them. He hated the words everyone said, that he wouldn’t make it. That he had to accept he would die because he had no mentor to help him and he was smaller than most of the other children. No one wanted to help Jaebeom, no one would help Jaebeom._

_He walked through the penthouse and found a small staircase in the back, he wondered where it led. Jaebeom saw nothing preventing him from walking up the stairs so he assumed it wasn’t off limits to him. He stepped up those stairs towards a door that was at the top of them. He wondered if it led to more rooms on the other side._

_When he got to the door he reached for the handle and found it opened easily. It was not locked. He was surprised by what he found beyond, it was the outside. The door led to a huge roof and his breath caught as he found himself above the lights of the city and close to the stars. He stared up at them in awe, finally he felt like he could breathe again seeing something as pure as starlight. It reminded him of home and that part hurt but he wanted so badly to be closer to something that felt normal._

_He stepped out, and closed his eyes. The air felt fresh and the noise of the city was drowned by the sound of wind blowing between the buildings. He opened his eyes and walked closer to the edge, there was a large wall around and he climbed up onto it and sat down on it. He crossed his legs as he looked out. In the darkness he couldn’t see the mountains beyond. He breathed deep and looked down, it was a long way down._

_Jaebeom wished he could fly, like the birds he’d grown up watching. He would have flown far away from his district, far away from the reaping. He would fly away from tr he Capitol and be lost in the hills to explore a world, completely free._

_He looked down again and sighed. The city was so ugly, the buildings so looming and oppressive._

_Jaebeom was empty. Since the moment his name was called he felt nothing but emptiness. He was taken away so quickly, a testament to the reality that he was never free. None of them had ever been free. He felt so small when he looked out at the city lights. Compared to all of it he was nothing. What chance did someone like him ever have of living life his own way? A lot had changed for him the first time he’d had to stand in line for reaping, and the second time he was taken._

_His father had told him he wouldn’t be called… his father hadn’t taken the chance to say goodbye. For the first time in his life he’d realized in that room he was alone. That reality was louder to him through the process of preparing for the games. He was pushed and prodded each way and though there were people around him he was entirely alone._

_The other kids had mentors, former victors to teach them and to guide them. He had nothing. The girl who had been reaped didn’t want to speak to him. At training he stayed far away from everyone else, scared to get close to any of them or to have problems start before the arena had begun. He could see friendships forming and he didn’t understand. Why make friends with those you’ll eventually have to turn on? He understood the game, kill or be killed, only one makes it out. Did he have a chance to be that one? Likely not. It was hopeless._

_“What are you doing up here?” His heart jumped in his chest as he heard a voice. He turned around shocked to see Ahn Hani standing in the doorway. The way she stood in the doorway was nonchalant, and he wondered how long she had been watching him._

_“I’m just…” Jaebeom looked back up towards the stars, “thinking.”_

_“You weren’t going to jump?” she asked him. Jaebeom sat up straighter as he looked down, he gasped at the thought._

_“No!” Jaebeom declared, “of course not!” He was frightened of dying in the arena, frightened of dying at all. Jumping… that sounded awful. He looked back at Hani and she walked towards him and leaned against the wall. She placed her hands on it and looked down and took a breath._

_“Some kids in your situation feel so hopeless they try all kinds of things to get out of this,” Hani said, her voice lowered. Her demeanor changed from the person he’d seen before. He was surprised at that. She always seemed so excited about the games, bright and happy about what was happening. He’d always assumed she didn’t understand what was happening, or didn’t care._

_“I just wanted to see what was up here,” Jaebeom responded, “I’m not planning on doing anything. I’ll die in the arena where I am supposed to, don’t worry about that.” He spoke cold, knowing that what he said was likely the truth._

_Hani dropped her head for a moment._

_“We’ve never had a winner in 12,” she said softly, “I am sorry you have no mentor, no one to help you.” Jaebeom looked down, maybe such things were the reason for other kids to attempt to get out of the arena at all. Not for him._

_“What if I did win?” Jaebeom asked, “what happens after?” She smiled softly._

_“You have no one to help you,” She said, “you have nothing Jaebeom. The only way for you to win would be to outsmart, outlast. You’d have to kill and kill all of them, whatever it takes. If you’re ready to do that, what comes after is what every victor wants… a life of peace and safety for you and your family. The Capitol will give you a home, and all the food and supplies you could ever want, money to buy whatever you wish. The kids in District 1 and 2 train and volunteer for the chance to win it all. They’re ready for the arena in ways you’re not.”_

_Jaebeom thought about it. If he somehow succeeded, somehow made it back home he could give so much to his family that they would never have to put his sister’s name in for more food. He could secure their lives. He hadn’t thought about the weight of the outcome before. When his name had been called he’d assumed already that he was dead, his family had left him for dead._

_If he won..._

_That was a big if._

_“I’m going to win,” he said, “even if I am alone, I’m going to do it.”_

_Hani didn’t look convinced._

_“You will have nothing, no one,” she said, “you’re the youngest one here, the smallest. What chance do you think you have?”_

_“You said it yourself,” Jaebeom said, “to win you have to outsmart, outlast. I’m smart, I am going to win and I’m going to go home.” That was why he hadn’t even thought of jumping, it didn’t matter if he was completely alone. The games were made for one person to win completely alone. He had to turn it all around and see, his isolation was what made him dangerous. There was nothing for him to be attached to, nothing for him to lose._

_“I do hope you can,” Hani said, “but I don’t know if you’re ready for the person you have to become. The arena changes everyone, how will you change?”_

_“I will change in any way I need to,” Jaebeom responded. It felt like a challenge when she spoke, and there was a fire inside him that he felt beginning to come to life. Fear was just another emotion like happiness, it would come to him, it would leave him._

_He realized on that rooftop that alone was the best way to make it, alone he would win the Hunger Games._

_…_

_Alone he fell to the ground, blood dripping from his arm. Scrapes and burns all over his body, the pain was intense but the last canon had sounded._

_Alone he was carried into the Capitol again._

_Alone they patched him up and sent him off to a somber penthouse, with an empty room for a life lost._

_Alone he stood before his enemy, before President Yang as a crown was placed upon his head and he looked into the face of his enemy. In the fire of the arena that he’d lit himself, Jaebeom was reborn with a new fire in his heart. A hatred for the man who had caused everything._

_Alone he stood on a platform after stepping out of the train to his district. There were people watching him but his eyes searched for his family._

_They weren’t there…_

_He breathed… he walked home alone._

__

\---

He’d been in the Capitol many times, wandering the streets and free to move about. Jaebeom had known some of the best spots for drinking due to his time as a mentor. He had learned them and picked places where there were no screens so he couldn’t see what was happening. He’d been in the outer layers of the Capitol before. He’d been monitored but as a victor he’d been given privileges most people in the districts had not been given. 

He’d never liked it in the city from his first moments there. It was oppressive, looming over him as if it was meant to frighten him. He’d never found himself drawn to the luxurious life that was contained within walls of concrete and glass. He’d endured it when he’d been forced to mingle with it and he knew he hadn’t had things as bad as others. Jin knew the city and Jaebeom could see the expression on his face that he was surprised by the way it had changed. Yoongi probably was thinking about it as well, but his expression was always blank. 

The streets ahead of them were eerie and silent, where they’d once been full of life and noise. The light of day shined down each through the buildings but many of them were a mess. There was rubble all over the place. Empty pods were scattered about as evidence of traps that troops had gone through ahead of them had done their jobs. And the silence… It was a ghost town. There was not a soul in sight, not even the sound of a bird singing. Jaebeom realized he hadn’t heard one in a long time. 

He’d been separated from nature, from the outside world but different kinds of imprisonment. In torture, in recovery… He didn’t think that such a thing would affect him so much. But seeing the destruction of a city become a battlefield… it made him wonder what Jinyoung had felt walking through districts turned war zone. He was just a boy told to keep the war going, encouraging the destruction of their society. It was a war they all needed but it was damaging, it made Jaebeom wonder what would be left for them to become when it was all over. If they took down Yang what would they have to go back to?

What would their world look like when it was all over? Would there be birds singing? Would the cycle of life continue? He couldn’t imagine it because he hadn’t been a part of a world he recognized in what felt like a lifetime. 

The people of the Capitol had likely never in their wildest dreams thought the war reaching them was even a possibility. They likely never imagined a future in which they would have to abandon their homes and flee from the places of safety they’d once had. Jaebeom was in awe at the change that had taken place. He’d spent so long dreaming of winning against Yang, he’d never considered what the cost would be. Though he couldn’t help but think the people of the Capitol were the reason for Yang’s power, he knew many of them were slaves to the system just as he was. 

“Pod,” Yoongi said and they all stopped. Jaebeom watched as Yoongi looked at the machine in his hands and calibrated it. Yoongi looked towards an alleyway like he’d spotted where it was. Yoongi raised his hand and pointed, “It’s there.”

“Are we going to deactivate every single one we see?” Jaebeom asked. He was sure some of them were completely avoidable, but every single time one was detected they stopped to trigger it. Jaebeom worried it could backfire on them if one of them held something terrible.

Yoongi had a knife in his hand as he looked towards where the pod was. They were all a mix of motion activated or heat sensitive. The methodology of disarming them was to try motion first then follow it up with heat. Hoseok was carrying all sorts of weapons to help with the heat issue. Small bombs and guns that fired different heat charges.

“It is best to take whatever we find down,” Jin said, “it helps clear the way for teams who will follow us to be able to move through the city peacefully.” That made some sense, the goal was eventually to clear a path to get an army through. Though he was sure their team's goals had nothing to do with the main army’s plans. He was worried about how much time they were taking and how far Jinyoung’s team could move in that time. But arguing with his friends further would only make things take longer, so he hung back to watch and wait.

Yoongi threw the knife in his hand hard. It soared through the air, spinning at a fast pace. Jaebeom blinked as he watched it. The knife moved far and as it did a series of explosions sounded off, shaking the ground they were on. Jaebeom nearly lost his balance from how sudden it was. Jackson reached out to steady him. Explosions continued and Jaebeom was relieved when it all stopped.

That trap had been motion activated and one he was glad they hadn’t walked through. 

“Well that was nasty,” Hoseok remarked. Jaebeom agreed silently.

“This way,” Yoongi pointed in the next direction for them to go after looking at his map. Wooyoung was feeding him direction by broadcasting a sort of compass onto the electronic map. Jaebeom wondered how far off they were from Jinyoung’s location. He wondered how accurate Wooyoung’s prediction of it was.

“How soon till we get to Jinyoung?” Jaebeom asked, it felt like it could be a very long time. They were so far behind the time that Jinyoung had gone. Jaebeom wished they could find Jinyoung by nightfall, but he worried it would take much longer. He tried to keep worries that they wouldn’t find Jinyoung down to a minimum. But it was difficult for him to not think of that outcome. He was so scared after the things Jinyoung had said.

“We are probably about half a day from them,” Yoongi said, “if they don’t move and they haven’t been moving all morning.” Jaebeom worried about what it meant if they hadn’t been moving.

“Do we know exactly where they are?” Jaebeom asked.

“We have a general idea,” Yoongi replied. 

Jaebeom was anxious about what would happen if they got close but missed the others. If they couldn’t pinpoint them directly all sorts of things could happen. He was anxious about how Jinyoung was doing, if things were so bad with the drugs then Jinyoung was likely feeling it. 

Jaebeom was also anxious about how their route was going to continue as they kept moving forward. They were told they could detect most pods, he wasn’t sure what would happen if they encountered one that couldn’t be detected. Traps could lay anywhere. The Capitol which once had been metaphorically frightening had become a minefield of horrors.

“We need to stop for lunch,” Jin said, “soon if we can.” Jin was trying to take care of all of them but Jaebeom didn’t think that they had time to be stopping. 

“I don’t want to stop,” Jaebeom said. He was tired, his body wasn’t in top shape. He’d spent a long time below ground, a long time hurting and a long time recovering. He did feel the weariness of walking long, of the sun beating down overhead and shining bright between the buildings. Once they found Jinyoung he would want to rest. But not before.

“It is important for us to not overextend ourselves,” Jin said, “you’re technically still recovering and I am here partially to make sure that you're doing well.” Jaebeom knew Jin was right, it was best not to do anything stupid or rash but given the gravity of the situation his own frantic emotions were completely explainable. He was usually rational but he often could forget himself when he felt determined to do something. 

When they did break for lunch, Jaebeom looked at their surroundings in awe of how things had changed. The Capitol had willingly sacrificed such a huge part of the city to keep the Districts army out. He wondered how many people had died or if the Capitol had given them time to move inward. He wondered if the people realized their homes were a part of an arena, and that the end objective meant that there was nowhere they could run. He remembered as a child when Hani told him the arena would change him and he’d been willing to change. 

He’d been willing to become a monster to win. He wondered if the people of the District knew what monsters they’d become to the people of the Capitol. Desperation had driven them to change, and Jaebeom knew exactly what that felt like. 

It made him reflect on what sort of desperation Jinyoung had felt, and the changes he saw in Jinyoung that he’d wanted to tie entirely to the drugs Jinyoung was taking. But those changes were more likely to do what Jinyoung had said himself, the arena had never ended for him. The Hunger Games still loomed over him and everything he did was still broadcast like reality tv before the entire nation. Panem had become his arena, there had been no way out for him.

The Capitol was their arena now and all around them was the potential for death. At any corner they could be caught in a web of traps they weren’t ready for and they could die, the potential for death had never scared Jaebeom away from a fight. Besides they did have it much easier than earlier troops who had gone into the Capitol in the weeks before. Jinyoung’s intervention in District 3 had made a difference in the entire war in the stage that they were in, because he’d managed to be the one to break into the lab to get the research back.

Jinyoung was an amazing fighter and though Jaebeom was worried about him, he tried to remind himself of how capable Jinyoung was at holding his own in a fight. It wouldn’t be shocking to Jaebeom after what he’d seen of Jinyoung if Jinyoung made it through the Capitol to Yang against the odds. However the emotional reality of what he had said to Jaebeom before leaving frightened Jaebeom into thinking Jinyoung wasn’t in his right mind. He was fully planning on dying if that was what it took. He was different from Jaebeom, neither were afraid of death but Jinyoung seemed to skirt the edge of jumping off himself whereas Jaebeom would never willingly let himself fall unless it was to save someone else.

“Jaebeom, it will all turn out okay in the end,” Jin said as if reading his thoughts, “we’ll find him, we always do.” That seemed to be the common thread, chasing and finding, pulling together, watching him fall apart again.

“Will we find him before the damage is done?” Jaebeom asked, “he wasn’t himself when he left. He wasn’t even close. I worry there won’t be much to save if we don’t get to him soon.” It felt strange voicing his fears out loud, he almost wished he hadn’t said it. He didn’t want to give voice and reality to his fears.

“He hasn’t been himself since he was reaped,” Jin said, “you know how things were after that. Jinyoung never had a chance to recover. Since you met Jinyoung, you changed too. Before him, you weren’t strong enough for yourself let alone another person. Jinyoung changed you because you let him in, and you don’t get to walk away from that. You can’t try that again, it’s not good for either of you.” 

Jaebeom wondered how Jin could make such accurate observances of them. Jin seemed to know too well what Jaebeom had done, maybe Jinyoung had shared it with the other, most likely Jinyoung had shared it with someone. Jaebeom regretted his actions, but he was glad that Jinyoung opened up to someone at that time. He couldn’t change the past, he could do what Jin said and not do it again.

“I don’t know what I am supposed to be to him,” Jaebeom responded. He wanted to be honest with his own vulnerabilities towards Jinyoung. He loved Jinyoung, he didn’t know what was next for them if they did make it through the war. He didn’t know what they were supposed to be.

“You’re not supposed to be anything,” Jin said, “You already are the person he loves, you just need to remember you’re not alone. You’re strong Jaebeom. You’re strong enough to pick yourself up from this yes, but there is also a strength in being with someone. You don’t have to do everything alone, the people who love you will be there for you.”

He knew Jin, that he was trying to make him talk through it. Jin was always good at getting people to talk about things when they didn’t want to. He was good at getting people to share their insecurities and biggest fears. That was how he’d helped Jinyoung so many times. He’d probably learned those skills through being a more empathetic mentor, he’d taken care of victors through their own traumas.

“I’m not Jinyoung,” Jaebeom told him, “I don’t want to talk through it with you.” He wanted to shut down that conversation.

“Everyone talks eventually,” Jin replied, “I’m patient. Yoongi was my first victor after I won. He is stubbornly silent about what he is going through but I got through to him. You’re an easy case next to him.”   
Jaebeom looked up at where Yoongi was playing with the device, probably mapping their route forward. Jaebeom laughed slightly at Jin’s words, he didn’t know Yoongi well but he believed Jin. Yoongi and Jaebeom were both very different, they weren’t people who sought each other’s company but they always had respected each other.

Though Jaebeom didn’t want to talk further, he had to internally acknowledge that Jin was right. Before Jinyoung Jaebeom didn’t know strength beyond keeping himself alive, and his fire for revenge. He allowed himself to fade away, mostly choosing alcohol as an escape because that was what he’d seen his father do after his sister had died. It had gotten bad, and he wouldn’t even look at the kids that were brought for him to mentor.

He wouldn’t have looked at Jinyoung or Sana if Jinyoung hadn’t demanded attention. Jaebeom should have been more vigilant to how Yang had made him weak again, Yang knew exactly what to do to trigger Jaebeom’s base raw need to survive. Jaebeom had always isolated himself when he needed to survive, Yang had isolated him and Jaebeom hadn’t been able to get out. 

He wondered if he wasn’t in the hospital all that time he might have sought for alcohol as a way to forget. If he would have drowned it all away, and let alcohol have his every whim and wish. It was a weakness he had but it was something that he’d done during the Hunger Games. When he was alone in District 12, he would occasionally drink but he found more escape in books and writing, imagining a different life had always made things easier for him. 

“Time for us to keep moving,” Yoongi announced, “I’ve got everything calculated, we’re finding them before dark but we gotta go now.” Jaebeom was glad to get moving again, if they did find Jinyoung before dark he would have to quickly figure out what to do. He wanted to reach out to Jinyoung, he had to figure out how.

“Have they moved at all today?” Hoseok asked.

“So far nothing,” Yoongi said, “there was a lot of activity early this morning before sunrise but they’ve been stopped since then. Based on detectors there is a message on my screen from Wooyoung that they are alive. We don’t know why they're not moving but this is our opening to make up ground.” 

“They could easily start moving at any moment,” Jackson replied, “Jinyoung can be quite fast.”

“Even if they keep moving we have the advantage in being able to track them, so we’ll find them,” Jin said, “we just have to keep going and stay positive!”

As much as Jaebeom wanted to believe that staying positive would fix things he knew it would take more. It would take a lot more for them to hope to get through the Capitol alive. They had to be the fighters Yang’s arenas had forged them into.

———

Jinyoung woke up with a terrible headache. His chest was hurting as if there was a weight placed on it, he was shaking and his body felt overly warm. Withdrawals. 

His eyes opened to sunlight. His shoulder and arm hurt badly, and the thought of what had happened reminded him of the worst. The night had faded but reality hadn’t. And the pain of losing someone hadn’t. 

What happened to Shownu hadn’t faded one bit. It hurt like hell, he wasn’t sure if the pain in his chest was from withdrawals or from the loss. Tears began to stream upon the thought of Shownu. Jinyoung had resisted Shownu at every level and Shownu had reached and reached to help him time and time again. Though Jinyoung had wanted to fight alone, he’d let Shownu in because he didn’t like being lonely.

Jinyoung was crying and the stress of it caused a chain reaction. His breaths moved faster and faster, his chest tightened more as he felt like he couldn’t get air. It was too late to tap his hands and count beats and the drugs weren’t in his system. He was falling apart and he couldn’t breathe. He just wanted to hold a breath inside but he couldn’t.

“Jinyoung,” Kihyun’s face appeared above him and startled him, “hold your breath Jinyoung!” He clearly didn’t fully understand what was going on nor what to do to help.

Jinyoung was trying, he was trying to focus on holding it and counting but there was so much input. It was so hard to manage it and it hurt so much inside his chest. He’d lost another person that he’d cared about, when he hadn’t even realized how much he cared for the older soldier. He’d spent so much time in his own head and in that time he hadn’t realized how much Shownu had done for him. They could have gone all the way to take out Yang together but Shownu had placed Jinyoung’s life above his own.

“Comeon Jinyoung,” Kihyun said, as Jinyoung continued to struggle to breathe.

“He needs help,” Wonho said, and the elder of the group came over. “Jinyoung I’m going to count with you.” 

Wonho lifted him up to seated position, put a hand on his back and began counting. Wonho seemed to actually know what to do as he began to distract Jinyoung, coaching him through each breath. Jinyoung followed the boy’s words, he had to breathe, just breathe. It hurt so much and it took a long time before his panic began to subside. Wonho continued to count until Jinyoung was completely calm.

He let himself lean into Wonho when it ended and he let himself cry against the other boy. He noticed the red eyes of the others and knew they’d all been crying too. It was right to cry over it and he was glad he was among people who felt safe crying in front of each other.

Jinyoung felt a bit like an outsider. All of Shownu’s team seemed so close, they’d probably trained together for a long time. Losing Shownu was likely more difficult for them than it was for him. It was sobering, that though he wanted to wallow in his own misery. He wasn’t the only one mourning, they would be better off to lean on each other and rely on each other but Jinyoung was scared he would lose them as well. He leaned against Wonho but worried Wonho was next.

“Jinyoung,” Hyungwon sat down next to them, “Shownu,”-it seemed hard for him to say the older boy’s name-“I’m sorry to have to interrupt you but, he left this under your voice.” He held out the pod tracking device and with it he was handing off a huge responsibility to Jinyoung. He remembered Shownu had said the device would respond to his voice. He wondered why such a responsibility had been placed upon him. He wasn’t ready for it.

Jinyoung didn’t want to lead, he just wanted Shownu back. He’d been so stubborn with the soldier but Shownu had a way with getting to Jinyoung in a way others couldn’t. His steady presence and lack of judgement were things that Jinyoung hadn’t realized how much he’d needed and valued. Shownu had responded to finding him drugged out of his mind with compassion and care. Shownu had taken care of Jinyoung for a long time without being pushy or loud about it. The worst he’d done was leash Jinyoung up out of fear that Jinyoung would run into the city alone.

Shownu had led Jinyoung’s team because Chae had put him there originally but he had defied Chae to stay there. Jinyoug knew Shownu had always put himself with Jinyoung, because he cared and Jinyoung didn’t know why. He saw that in the things Shownu did but he didn’t understand them.

"He always believed in you," I.M said as if seeing Jinyoung’s doubts, understanding what Jinyoung was feeling. Maybe those Shownu had around him did understand, and maybe they understood Jinyoung more than the others. They were all soldiers, training from the time they were children for the war. And while Jinyoung didn’t want people to believe in him, he’d willingly taken up the role of their phoenix, their fighter.

If he really was the flame of this whole war, would he rather that flame end? He was so tired of carrying everything on his own shoulders. 

"I just want to be alone for a bit," Jinyoung told them, he didn't want to be rude but he needed them to give him a moment alone.

"Jinyoung," Hyungwon said, "you can't run, you can't just leave us here." Jinyoung looked at the device still on him, wrapped around him still and if they wanted to they could keep him tied to them. But no one had hooked it to themselves, it was just there.

"I can take it off of you," Wonho said, "I just..." Jinyoung knew they were scared after what they’d been told to do to him by their leader. If Jinyoung did leave, they'd be stuck there with no idea where pods were. He wasn’t irresponsible to leave people without any way out.

"I won't leave you here," he told them, "I promise. I just want to..." He thought about it, what did he need to be alone for? He didn't need to hide the medication from them, they already knew he was on something and none of them had tried to intervene on what Jinyoung needed to do. It wasn't that. He didn't really need to be alone, what he needed was to ground himself. 

He guessed doing that alone was what he was used to doing, because he was hiding so much from everyone in his life. Alone he could often refocus his determination. But just looking at the boys around him he knew the reason he needed to be strong and needed to continue forward. These people still needed hope and Jinyoung knew he couldn’t lean on them if he was to lead them forward.

"Take it off me," Jinyoung told Wonho. He didn't want to be stuck with the leash and harness on him, especially not with what trauma it carried. It had given him hope before that they could save Shownu but that had been impossible. Jinyoung never wanted to see it again.

"It is fingerprint locked," Wonho said and he put his hand on the front lock, it released easily. Jinyoung was surprised to find out what the secret of the mechanism was. He wondered if the carabiner had also been similarly locked. As he dropped the harness of himself he remembered it had been a way Shownu had intended to keep him close and safe. Shownu had wanted to protect him through whatever way he thought was necessary.

What did he ever do to deserve these people helping him? Jinyoung was losing his mind, barely holding himself together. He’d done everything he could to keep the war going, and he knew he was running out of time. 

"We need to decide what to do next," Jinyoung said, “I guess we have to keep going forward.” 

This was not the time for him to run, he could no longer decide to just walk away. Jinyoung couldn't leave, they’d gone too far in. They had to keep going forward until they fulfilled their mission. Jinyoung took more pills to calm his body, to be prepared for the fight to get more difficult as he was sure they would face more unseen traps.

"There is a map of the city on the device," Min said, "we can use that to map our way forward."

"Okay," Jinyoung turned it on and started trying to figure it out. It was voice activated and responded to his voice quickly. He opened a map of a city, and found there was a layer to map pods. Any pods not on the map could be detected if they approached them.

"We aren't far from entering the inner city where pod’s won’t be a problem anymore," Min pointed out, "we have contacts there that could give us food and shelter. I think we could get there by tomorrow if we keep moving." 

Jinyoung realized that they had more problems than just losing their friends. They needed to find a way to get food fast, and he was glad there was a plan to get food if they could get out of the destroyed zone of the city. Their food bag had been carried by Minhyuk. They all had some provisions with them but they would definitely run out at some point.

It hurt to think that Minhyuk was likely weighed down by the food he carried and that was probably what caused him to fall behind. It hurt, Jinyoung didn't want to think about it. He wanted to think about keeping the rest of them safe in the mess they were in and the faster they got into the inner city the better that would be.

"Okay," Jinyoung sighed as he looked at the map to gauge it, "we will certainly pass a lot more pods along the way and we’ll have to figure out the safest route. Any thoughts? Any ideas how we could bypass them?" He wanted the others input, he was scared of making the wrong decision on his own without getting others opinions.

"We could go in the sewers," I.M suggested. Jinyoung wasn’t sure he liked that idea considering the experience they’d had going below ground to escape the mutts. There could be more foundational traps like the one they’d triggered below.

"We could use arrows and ropes to go between buildings," Wonho suggested. Jinyoung perked up at that idea.

"Arrows and ropes?" Jinyoung questioned, "like setting up zip lines?"

"Something like that yeah," Wonho said, "we do have a lot of tension lines that we could easily tighten over the rooftops to accomplish it. It was an idea Shownu had and so we prepared stuff for it just in case. It would probably be safer to bypass all this from above than below." If it was an idea Shownu had, then Jinyoung was sure it was probably a good one.

"We proved that the Capitol has set up traps for us below," Hyungwon said, "and they're not easy to get through. When we deactivate a pod up here if it takes out a chunk of a street, we can navigate around it. There is always a possibility that if we deactivate one down there we could end up trapped."

"The sewers are a bit different than the lower levels," Jinyoung said as he examined the depth of them on the map, "they're not directly below the city like that trading center, they literally seem to run much deeper under all of this but I agree it might be more dangerous." 

"How did they get all of these pods and traps out here?" Min grumbled in frustration.

"I have a hunch some of it was here before," Wonho said, "knowing Yang he probably laid traps in the city in case of siege a long time ago. He knew what game he was playing with the districts, that eventually the people wouldn’t stand for oppression anymore."

It was true, Panem was always a powder keg ready to blow with the introduction of one spark. Jinyoung would have never thought that he’d happen to be that spark. So much had happened since Youngjae’s name had been called in the reaping. Jinyoung hadn’t even stopped to really think of what Panem would become once the war was over, they had to win it first and Jinyoung was sure winning it would take his life. He’d never really thought of what after would be for him because he didn’t have much hope in being a part of it.

Jinyoung had to turn his mind back towards their present issues, there was no point in thinking on other things when they were in a danger zone.

"Well in any case," Jinyoung said, "we're not doing ourselves any favors by staying out in the open. We have to make a decision."

"We aren’t," Wonho agreed, "when you were out we had to run from peacekeepers, and stay hidden without going too far because we couldn’t get on the pod reader. It was stressful. There are some working cameras here and I am sure because of that, Yang knows we are here."

"That makes things worse," Jinyoung sighed. He was sure Yang wanted to kill him as much as he wanted to kill Yang, as much as Chae wanted to kill them both. He was tangled between two enemies and he just wanted to make sure Yang was taken out before he went. He was pretty sure Yang wanted him captured, not immediately killed. He couldn’t let that happen but it would certainly make things easier for Jinyoung.

"One thing we have on them," Jinyoung said, "they want me alive, so they'll be less likely to just open fire on us." He’d quickly figured that out when peacekeepers had gone after him in District 12. Yang had likely given them strict orders not to kill or harm Jinyoung, which is the only reason Jinyoung had defeated them. They couldn’t really fight back and Jinyoung was able to pick them off.

"Why do they want you alive?" I.M asked.

"I am sure Yang wants the sick pleasure of killing me himself," Jinyoung responded. He hadn’t thought too much on the reason, it seemed simplistic but it was all he had. "After of course he breaks me through torture or something, I am sure. I think he thinks it’s his only chance to win, to end the rebellion. I think he thinks he could show Panem that the one person who always beat him eventually lost." 

Jinyoung gave people hope that someone could defy Yang and live, so Yang wanted that gone. Though Jinyoung was sure he’d just become a martyr, it was far too late to stop the war. Yang was a cornered animal and still dangerous but the Districts combined were a force to be reckoned with. The drain of resources from the Capitol meant there was only so long the fight could continue.

"So all that stuff you did in District 12 was made possible by the fact the peacekeepers weren't trying to kill you at all," Wonho connected what Jinyoung was saying. Jinyoung shrugged, that was the only thing that had ever made sense to him.

"It was still sick regardless," Jooheon commented.

"In any case that does play in our favor," Kihyun agreed with Jinyoung, "we'll take all we can get." 

“I say we try the roof,” Jinyoung said, settling on a decision, “If it proves too difficult we can always go below after that. We’re not too far from the inner city so I think we should be able to pull this off.” Everyone agreed with him. What had happened was traumatic and none of them were eager to experience it again.

The decision to move to the rooftops wasn’t as easy as just going to one and moving above. They set out and found they had to go through a couple different buildings before they found one with good roof access. Jinyoung wasn’t satisfied with how much time it took but there was nothing they could do to get that time back. They found a building that suited their needs when the sun was high in the sky. It would begin a slow descent and Jinyoung was sure they wouldn’t make it to the inner city before night was upon them. They would have to settle for another potentially harrowing night in the war zone. 

It was dizzying to Jinyoung as they stood on the roof and he looked across the expanse between the roof they were on and a nearby one. There were so many ways their plan could go wrong. Wonho seemed confident the lines would hold with one of Jinyoung’s arrows but Jinyoung wasn’t sure exactly what to fire into. He worried one of them would end up falling to their death, again, and this time it would be his fault, again, because it would be his arrow.

“So I fire into that structure there?” Jinyoung asked. He looked across and he wasn’t sure if it was totally secure. He didn’t know how deep his arrow would go into the concrete.

“Guys maybe this isn’t such a good idea,” Min said.

Jinyoung lined up his arrow. He would need to get a very fast release so the force of the arrow would drive it deep. If he messed it up there would be no way to retract the line. As he lifted and tested the pull he realized his shoulder was still in pain from what happened. It had been dislocated, it hurt with just a slight pull. He flinched but took a deep breath. He could still fire while in pain.

“I am beginning to agree,” Hyungwon said, “we’ll probably make it across a few roofs before we run out of line. These buildings are pretty far apart and the lines might end up being insecure while we’re on them.” No one wanted to see anyone fall again.

Jinyoung held his bow forward and he aimed. He put a bit of tension on the draw string and tested pulling more but as he did his shoulder seized up with pain. He cried out with the suddenness of the pain and let go. The arrow flew but fell over the edge of the building. Jinyoung dropped his bow and reached his good hand to his shoulder in pain. Recoiling from how bad it felt.

“Jinyoung how bad is it?” Wonho was at his side quickly as the others began to express concern. Wonho’s hand was on his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine,” Jinyoung replied. He was scared, if he couldn’t shoot his bow then he wasn’t really in condition to continue forward. That couldn’t happen, he had to find a way to keep firing even if it did hurt.

“This isn’t fine,” Wonho replied. Jinyoung looked at him and saw real concern there but the expression just irked Jinyoung. 

Jinyoung looked to see I.M pulling his arrow back up over the building. At least they hadn’t lost the arrow and the line in Jinyoung’s failed attempt. If he was expecting pain he was sure he could handle the outcome of using his bow a bit better.

“I’m going to try again,” Jinyoung declared. He wasn’t about to be beaten by anything in his mission, it didn’t matter what was happening. He needed to be able to shoot a bow to kill President Yang, that was pretty much the only thing left that he was good at and he couldn’t lose that part of himself. He would fight to keep that part of himself. He picked up the arrow again and moved his shoulder in a circular motion to feel where it hurt. He needed to get used to the point of pain in order to push through it.

He gritted his teeth and lined up the arrow once again. He focused his eyes on the target and began to draw back, breathing in hissing breaths to bear the pain. He was absolutely certain it wouldn’t go right as his arm was shaking from the pain. He pulled back hard. He knew how it was supposed to feel and how easily things could go wrong but he fired anyway because he wanted to try.

The arrow missed its mark and flew beyond the building fast and it jerked so hard it carried most of their line with it. Jinyoung was surprised that he was able to fire it with so much power but he couldn’t get his aim right.

“Oh shit,” Jooheon gasped. 

Jinyoung threw his bow to the ground in frustration. Their whole plan depended on him and he couldn’t even do it right. He breathed out and put his head in his hands, his body was calmed in some way by the substance but anxiety was clawing at him triggered by a feeling of inadequacy. Was he too hurt to continue forward? There was no going back, Jinyoung had nothing but the road ahead of him.

“Maybe we should just go back to camp,” Hyungwon suggested, “there we can regroup and plan our next move.” 

Jinyoung looked at him and glared slightly even though he knew that none of their problems were Hyungwon’s fault. Nothing he was feeling was anyone’s fault but his own. He didn’t want to go back because he was scared of going back to where Chae would likely be waiting. No one was even supposed to know he was in the city. He didn’t know what Chae was telling the leaders of the Districts or what videos she was broadcasting to their troops daiy. He’d rather face Yang than Chae, and he’d try his chances against the odds of death rather than facing his family again.

“I don’t believe in turning and running,” Jinyoung said, “we have a mission to complete and we’re going to complete it.” He would kill Yang or die trying.

“But...” I.M said, “we’re not doing okay...” 

“What?” Jinyoung asked. The other member seemed hesitant to speak and Jinyoung wanted to know more about what he was thinking. Jinyoung looked around at their faces and felt that there was doubt that Jinyoung could lead them further.

“We lost Minhyuk and Shownu,” Jooheon said, “everyone is shaken up, I think maybe the right thing to do is to take a moment. We weren’t expecting this to happen this way.” 

“We’re at war,” Jinyoung responded even though it was an empty answer. Even though it hurt so badly. “People die in wars.” That was what he felt like he was supposed to say, but not what he wanted to say. He was tired of it, so tired of fighting and losing. He was sure the others were just realizing the cost in their own way, it wasn’t fair to say something so cold to them.

“Shownu believed in this mission,” Wonho said to the boys, “turning back now would negate the sacrifice he made. We all signed up for this, we all knew the cost.” 

“I didn’t realize the cost would be Shownu,” I.M said with tears in his eyes. Hyungwon embraced him.

“And Minhyuk,” Jooheon said. Jinyoung turned away from them because he couldn’t look at their faces. He was so ashamed of living when Shownu had died, so ashamed of all those who had died for him. From the beginning when Jungkook had rushed to stand between Minho and Jinyoung without a second thought for his own life. 

“Jinyoung,” Hyungwon said with a sigh, “you’re not 100% and the truth is you weren’t before we left, that’s why Shownu kept you close to him and now it’s worse. If we go back to the camp you can get medical attention and we can regroup.”

Jinyoung kept himself turned away from them. They didn’t understand. There was no way they could possibly understand the reason he was not doing well. There was no way medical attention could fix any of it, and Chae wouldn’t let them. They’d probably just be ordered to give him painkillers for his shoulder and told to send him off again because he wasn’t supposed to survive anyways. The entire team would be dragged down with him because Chae wanted him dead.

“Shownu told us to keep going,” Wonho spoke, “you want to throw that all away? We’re fighting for our freedom from a tyrant and we can’t back down for any reason.” He was the only one arguing to continue forward.

“No, but...” I.M said.

“I can bring you back,” Jinyoung turned back to them and shook his head. There was no going back for him but he could bring everyone closer to the camp and send them in. He didn’t want them doomed to die because of him.

“I can bring you away from danger and send you back towards camp,” Jinyoung said, “but I can’t go back with you. My mission is not complete but I don’t want you to be forced to go forward if you don’t want to. We can travel back to the safe zone and whoever wants to leave can leave without judgement. Losing people hurts, and I get that. I also know my mission is likely not going to end well, I will go forward alone if I need to.” 

He wondered sometimes if he was getting too used to losing people. Because while it hurt it was numb inside him but that was probably the substance that tempered his emotions. He had passed out when he’d lost Shownu, probably from the pain to his arm but partially because that’s what he did when things got hard. He didn’t fight it, he fell into himself and retreated away from what he was experiencing. It was safer that way. That was where he didn’t hurt when he was nothing to the world.

He could see what the boys on his team were going through. He didn’t want to force them to fight his battles alongside him when he knew exactly where they were meant to end. 

“It’s best not to make a quick decision especially since we’re going to lose daylight soon,” Wonho said. He was taking on the role of a leader better than Jinyoung was. “We can stay here tonight, in one of the higher floors of this building. We won’t have to worry about mutts or peacekeepers or traps for now and I think we’ll be safe here.”

“Safe?” Hyungwon said, “in this place?” Jinyoung didn’t blame him for being in disbelief.

“Relatively safe,” Jinyoung added in his input. The sun would start getting low soon and after going underground they were pretty far out. It would take them a while to backtrack to the route back towards the camp. It was best not to travel at night.

“A couple of us can scout the building to confirm,” Wonho said, “but this seems to be the better option. We can discuss in the morning what we’re going to do.”

“Agreed,” Jinyoung said, “Wonho and I will scout below, the rest of you stay ready to move in case it’s not positive. We’ll stay close so we don’t accidentally leave you stranded.” They would have to be careful and quick because they couldn’t afford to be separated for long.

“Okay,” Kihyun said, “don’t do anything stupid.” 

“We won’t,” Wonho said, “we’ll be close”- he stopped and turned to I.M- “I.M, give Jinyoung your gun.” 

“Why?” Jinyoung asked.

“In case we run into trouble,” Wonho said, “you can’t fire that thing right now so it is best for you to have a weapon to protect yourself.” Jinyoung knew he was right so he took the gun. It was a mess but it was a mess they would have to find a way through.

\--------

“Pod,” Yoongi held up his hand for them to all stop. It was an action that was growing routine. Jaebeom wondered how there were so many of them when teams had already passed through the city. It was miserable, they weren’t making much ground due to the constant need to stop and disarm each pod.

“Everyone take cover,” Yoongi called out. Jaebeom followed Jackson behind a wall, Jackson pushed him even further back.

“Don’t try to watch,” Jackson said to Jaebeom, “just take cover, if anything happened to you our dear Jinyoungie would never forgive us.” Jaebeom glanced past him but decided to listen. He didn’t want to see the pod go off that badly anyways.

Yoongi was still in his view and he could see when Yoongi threw his knife to trigger the pod. He heard a sound of metal screeching and a loud slam that blew what felt like a strong gust of wind past them. Jaebeom’s ears were ringing from how loud it was, he felt slightly disoriented as his heart rate went up. The feeling of danger was something so familiar to him, he’d almost grown able to turn it off by cowering from it as his subconscious believed there was no escaping it. He breathed deep and closed his eyes, counting his head and reminding himself he wasn’t trapped anymore.

“Jaebeom,” he heard Jackson’s voice and saw the other boy looked concerned. Jaebeom took a deep breath clenching his fists and relaxing his body. 

“I’m fine,” Jaebeom said softly. It was probably a signal that he really wasn’t, he knew that was always the case when Jinyoung said those words. When Jaebeom said it he honestly knew how it would be received and knew Jackson would know he wasn’t fine. Jackson put a hand on his shoulder and nodded, Jaebeom nodded back.

The sound had long faded when Yoongi signaled them that it was clear. Jaebeom moved around to look and see what had happened and what he saw made him assume the large metal boxes in front of him had completely crashed into each other in the square. It was clearly meant to crush anyone who ventured that way. It also had the side effect of making it impossible for anyone to continue to go that way as it obstructed their path. Jaebeom knew a lot of Yang’s mind, the path they would be forced to redirect too probably held its own twisted perils.

“Well fuck this,” Hoseok whined as he stared at it.

“Good thing we can detect them!” Jin tried to point out the bright side, “that’s much more than we could do in the games. We didn’t have to get caught in that nightmare.”

Jaebeom felt something was off, something strange. He didn’t know if it was his instincts that the worst was always something compounded on top of another trap but the fact that their route was blocked scared him in a different way. He turned to look around to see the full breadth of their surroundings.

“Seriously we are very much thankful for that,” Jackson agreed, “no giant ass mosquitos or fog can just creep on us.” Alarm bells went off in Jaebeom’s as at that moment his eyes settled on something moving towards them.

“Don’t speak too soon,” Jaebeom said, It wasn’t over. They weren’t just facing a one trick trap, their way of escape was blocked and a fog was moving in fast. If he hadn’t spotted it they might have been caught in it but they still had time.

“Damn it,” Hoseok shouted, “why the hell can’t they give us one thing!”

“Jin,” Yoongi commanded, “you stay close to me.” He looked stressed with the newfound challenge. It took a lot to rattle Yoongi, that worried Jaebeom.

“What’s the plan leader?” Hoseok asked. Yoongi was staring at the pod detecting device with a focused expression, slight sweat forming on his brow as he clearly tried to find their way out.

“We have to run like hell,” Yoongi declared.

“Which direction?” Jackson shrieked. Jackson was close to Jaebeom and Jaebeom glanced around in fear.

“That one!” Yoongi pointed and shouted after glancing at the device twice. Yoongi took off running, with one hand locked with Jin’s. Hoseok was on their tail quickly. Jackson grabbed Jaebeom’s hand and they pulled him quickly to run after them. 

This was a moment Jaebeom had been worried for. He had recovered in many ways, but he wasn’t sure how long or far he was able to run. Jackson was dragging him along and Jaebeom’s muscles ached with how they were forced to move. He was given no choice but to run with Jackson, and it hurt badly to do so.

“Jackson!” Jaebeom shouted at the other boy, “I can’t do this!” He wasn’t physically fit enough to keep going, he was sure he would never make it away from the fog.

“Jaebeom!” Jackson shouted at him, “you are doing this!” Jackson would leave him no room to argue and wouldn’t let go of his hand, dragging him forward. Jaebeom had no choice. The fog was moving to the side and Jackson increased his pace, Jaebeom was forced to run faster but he was panting and gasping for air as they ran.

Jaebeom kept reminding himself as they ran, no matter how it hurt this was something he had to do to survive. He had to keep telling himself that he was going to keep going, that he could keep going. He had to keep pushing through and let every survival instinct he had take over for where his body was weak.

“Everyone ahead, down, down!” Yoongi shouted but Jaebeom had no idea what he was talking about.

Then he heard a noise like sparks, they were close and in the air. Those ahead of him dropped to the ground. Jaebeom was in a daze trying to figure out what was going on when Jackson tackled him to the ground. He was in shock as fire exploded above their heads. Jaebeom was panting and gasping as he felt the heat of the flames and they fizzled out almost as quickly as they’d come. His lungs hurt so much. It was so much more than he had done since he’d fought in the arena. He worried more fire was coming but his companions got up.

“This way!” Yoongi was getting up and running into one of the buildings. Jackson practically picked Jaebeom up off the ground to get him moving again. 

“Come on,” Jackson said as he dragged Jaebeom after the others. 

“This way!” Hoseok shouted at them as they entered the building. He was standing over a cellar door and everyone began to clamour towards it. “Down! Everyone down!” Jin went first then Yoongi, then Jaebeom was pushed by Jackson to follow them down. He climbed down as fast as he could and almost slipped off the rungs in his haste. He made it to the bottom and got on the ground, panting for air.

The other two came down and the cellar door shut after Hoseok with a loud slam. With the door shut it was completely dark in the room and Jaebeom squinted to see. Jin switched on a light which filled the space around them with bright warmth. Jaebeom recognized the glowing watch in his wrist, it was Jungkook’s watch. 

He remembered the times he’d seen the watch in Jinyoung’s hands. The way Jinyoung wore it when it had been given back to him. Everything that had happened to Jungkook had followed Jinyoung and he was reverent towards that piece of the boy as if it was all they had left. Those times hurt to think back on. So much had happened, so much bad but truly the worst things for Jinyoung had begun when he’d lost that boy. When Jinyoung had tried to save a life, and he’d been the one saved in return.

“Well I am never talking again,” Jackson stated, breaking the silence that had befallen all of them.

“Yes you will,” Yoongi responded as he leaned on a wall. Jaebeom chuckled in response and Jackson grumbled something under his breath. Jackson sat next to Jaebeom against the wall and Jaebeom watched as he threw his bag to the ground dramatically.

Jaebeom was still panting from the running that had taken, he just wanted to curl up in a ball and sleep. They were all a bit shaken up by how the pods had been compounded around them. It was exactly like being back in the Hunger Games. Jaebeom remembered how many things they’d dealt with in the arena when they’d just been trying to protect Jinyoung from both Yang’s traps and a host of other tributes trying to kill him. 

He was glad at least the tributes part wasn’t true. He hoped that wherever Jinyoung was in the city that he was safe and not dealing with anything like they’d experienced.

“What’s the plan now?” Jin asked. 

“We wait,” Yoongi said, “the fog will probably dissipate within the hour then we get back out there. We’re almost in the same city district as them so I think we might find them by nightfall if we’re lucky. If not tomorrow we’ll get to them.” Jaebeom curled against the wall, he could rest for an hour.

“So we learned not to treat these pods as one off threats,” Jin stated, “we’ll need to be more careful. Maybe we should try to avoid them a bit more.”

“Yeah,” Yoongi replied, “ but that wasn’t exactly shocking.” It wasn’t shocking, because Yoong, Jackson and Jing had all survived two arenas as well They all knew except Hoseok what it was like.

“How did you know that the last pod would spray fire?” Hoseok asked him.

“The sparks and the sound,” Yoongi replied as if that was enough. Jaebeom was sure Yoongi had probably seen something similar before. Jaebeom closed his eyes.

“Can I nap,” Jaebeom mumbled.

“Yes,” Jin said and the elder sat down next to him, “naps are good, go to sleep Jaebeom. We’ll wake you if anything comes up. I’m sure we’ll find them soon.” 

He was happy with that answer as he closed his eyes, the day had been exhausting and it wasn’t over. The traps in the pods were stressful. He was sure they would get worse and more intense the closer they got to the edge of the warzone. Every chance to rest was one he knew it was wise to take. He closed his eyes and drifted away.

\-------

“I’m not seeing anything so far,” Jinyoung informed Wonho as he adjusted the pod detector in a search for any traps. They wanted to make sure there was nothing in the nearby buildings or nothing that could go off in the night while they rested. The sun was getting lower in the sky, it would be setting at some point. Jinyoung scoffed internally at his own obvious thoughts.

“That’s not nothing,” Wonho pointed to a distant street. Jinyoung could see what he was pointing too. A fog was rolling in. It wasn’t far away, he was sure it would move fast. They needed to make sure they weren’t caught in it.

“I wonder who set that off,” Jinyoung thought out loud. It reminded him of something he’d experienced in his second Hunger Games, fog had been what had killed Sandara. He didn’t forget how any of those around him had died. He was sure Yang put similar traps to taunt him, because of course Yang knew that Jinyoung would get caught in the mess just like everyone else.

“Do you think it could reach us?” Wonho asked him.

“It does appear to be rising and we’re probably in its path,” Jinyoung said with a groan, “it would probably be better for us to be lower, but with what we just lost… Jinyoung glanced at the electronic map in his hands. There are basements. I guess we can’t help it, we have to go there.” 

“This kind of thing can’t be helped,” Wonho said with a sigh, “this time we won’t be moving, we’ll probably be fine.” 

“We have to get the others fast,” Jinyoung said, “I don’t want them caught up in that and it’s probably going to come in this direction.” It was a lot to ask the boys to go below again but they had to do it.

“Agreed,” Wonho said. Jinyoung could tell his personality was that of a soldier, even more so than the others in his group. He was taking the fight and the setbacks better despite the pain of it. Jinyoung was sure he felt Shownu’s loss as much as any of them, but he was being strong for all of them and Jinyoung admired how he was pressing forward despite it all.

They circled back quickly and got their friends. They walked carefully toward a different building that Jinyoung had picked out on his map. One benefit of a poisoned fog descending into the broken down city blocks was that the peacekeepers had left. They were able to move without worrying about being shot at by the enemy. Jinyoung kept scanning for pods as they moved, he hoped they had no surprises waiting for them.

“The fog is moving fast,” Wonho said as they made it inside, “I wonder if it is meant to fill the whole area?” Jinyoung was sure it was, a terrible trap meant to take out as many teams as it could reach. Anyone who was unsuspecting about its nature would be lost to it.

“There,” Hyungwon pointed to one of the smaller buildings, “wouldn’t this one have its own basement?” Jinyoung scanned it quickly to see what the schematic was. 

“Yeah, let’s go,” Jinyoung said and they walked towards it quickly.

They entered with some urgency as the fog seemed to be moving closer fast and Hyungwon opened the door for them. They found a basement entrance easily and all went down one by one. One of the boys lit a flashlight for them to be able to see once they closed themselves in. The basement they had entered was completely empty but there were doors on the other side that led somewhere. 

Jinyoung didn’t like that there were ominous doors. He was almost sure behind them would be dangers, everything about the city made him paranoid. He scanned it on his screen and realized it led to a web of other basement rooms.

"Maybe they have some food somewhere," Wonho said and he strode to the doors. Jinyoung admired his confidence but he was worried. He wasn’t going to let Wonho go anywhere alone.

"We have water," I.M said, "we should be good for a bit."

"Yeah but food is important,” Wonho said, “we don’t know if we’ll end up stuck out here for a few more days. It doesn’t do us any harm to check.” 

"We can search," Jinyoung agreed, "I'll go with you to watch for pods, everyone else stay here and keep your heads down. Don’t go out there, and don’t come after us unless we’re gone for a long time."

He walked after Wonho once again with the pod detecting device in his hands, ready for anything. It was unlikely that they would find something in the small basement web, but they had to always be prepared. Things were difficult to gauge. Where they would end up in the days to follow was uncertain.

The people he was with were all struggling through the aftermath of what happened. He knew that it was horrible, but they were all doing their best with what they had. He was doing his best with the hand he'd been dealt, trying to be strong despite it all. That was really all he could do.

——

Dreams weren’t something he enjoyed. They reminded him of the past or manifested his fears in images that were haunting, difficult for him to handle. The things he saw were detailed. Nightmares of the things that had happened to him and the nightmares of the things he feared most paraded in his mind.

He feared Jinyoung standing in a square, in the city with the light of the sun shining on him. He was surrounded by people but all alone. Jaebom saw Jinyoung in his dreams, Jinyoung fall. He saw Jinyoung die. He saw it over and over again, the worst fear he’d carried since the moment he’d realized he cared for Jinyoung. His love had broken his resolve to fight in some ways, because he’d gone from someone with nothing to lose to someone with everything to lose.

Sleeping he was taken through a parade of things he didn’t want to think about.

"Jaebeom," he was shaken awake by a voice he recognized. Jin's voice wasn't one that could ever scare him. Jaebeom could recognize but he didn’t open his eyes immediately.

"Wake up," Yoongi’s voice on the other hand always alternated between disinterested and threatening. It sounded more threatening which caused Jaebeom to open his eyes in bewilderment as to why he was being awoken.

"What's going on?" he asked. He rubbed his eyes in his confusion. His head felt strange like he wasn’t quite sure which way was up or down. He blinked a few times to adjust to being conscious.

“Shhhh,” Jackson shushed them all. Jaebeom tried to ignore the irony behind that as he saw Jackson listening at what appeared to be a door. Jaebeom hadn’t recognized a door in the cellar room before he’d gone to sleep. He’d been so out of breath from running, all he’d wanted to do was rest.

He heard voices, very faint but coming from a room over. There was someone close by and his first instinct was to think it was peacekeepers and he saw from how the others were holding weapons that they were on guard. Everyone was quiet as if hoping the voices would leave without there being trouble. Jaebeom got up slowly to listen in closer.

“What is it?” He asked Jin.

“We’re not sure,” Jin whispered back. Jaebeom stepped forward to hear more, he couldn’t help but to be curious. The voices were faint but as he approached to listen closer he knew he recognized one of the voices.

“It’s Jinyoung!” Jaebeom declared. It didn’t take long for him to identify that sound. Jaebeom stepped forward quickly and reached out his hand for the door handle. Jackson grabbed his hand and held him back away from opening the door. Jaebeom looked at him confused.

“It could be a trick,” Jackson said, “a trap.” 

“That’s not a trick, that’s him,” Jaebeom declared. He knew Jinyoung’s voice and he knew the difference when Yang had used Jinyoung’s voice against him. In torture the sound of Jinyoung’s voice had called his name, but he’d become desensitized to the recordings Yang hand and learned to distinguish what was real and what wasn’t. He knew what Jinyoung would sound like if Yang tried to use his voice against Jaebeom, he knew that very well.

Jaebeom reached for the door handle again with sureness in his heart. Jin grabbed his arm and Jackson grabbed for his hand again. 

“How do you know?” Jackson asked. Jaebeom looked into Jackson’s eyes and saw there was hope in them as he looked at his friend. If they did find Jinyoung then they would be half done with their mission. 

“If it was a trick he would sound like he did before,” Jaebeom whispered back, “Yang used to play his voice to torment me. There’s a difference. What I am hearing now, that’s Jinyoung. He sounds like he did when he left. If it is a trap then that means Yang has him.” Jaebeom wasn’t certain Yang didn’t have Jinyoung but if they looked and it was a trap at least they would know where he was.

“It’s too easy,” Yoongi whispered back. He could tell no one believed him, but he knew Jinyoung well enough to distinguish between what he was hearing and what recordings Yang had. 

“We almost got smashed, suffocated by death fog and burned to death,” Jaebeom said, “nothing about what we have endured has been easy!” He didn’t want to lose the opportunity to get to Jinyoung when Jinyoung was so close to them.

“Let’s take a vote,” Hoseok replied, “I don’t like it either.” Jaebeom turned back to him with a glare.

“All of you should trust me,” Jaebeom said, “I know him best.”

“You know him best but you drove him to run away?” Yoongi questioned, his expression cold, “are you sure you know him best? Maybe you think you know him but a lot has changed with the both of you since then. I’d say Jin and Jackson know him better than you do.” 

“So we should go with your opinion?” Jaebeom turned to Yoongi, he didn’t like the challenge the other seemed to put forth. It sounded accusatory. 

“No I am saying I’d listen to their opinions about Jinyoung over yours,” Yoongi stated. He crossed his arms as if sizing Jaebeom up. 

“Enough,” Jin said with a sigh, “fighting over this does nothing for us and it definitely won’t help us help Jinyoung.” Jin turned to look at Jackson. “You were with him the most before all this, what do you say.” Jackson looked around the room at all of them then back to Jaebeom. They looked at each other and Jaebeom saw Jackson’s eyes full of compassion for him. He looked away, overwhelmed by it all.

“Jaebeom knows Jinyoung best,” Jackson stated like an ultimatum, “let’s go get him.” Jackson reached for the handle on the door but before he took it he turned back to grab Jaebeom’s hand. Jackson opened the door and stepped through, leading Jaebeom with him. There was another room and another door. The voices were louder as they stepped through walking towards that other door. They opened it to the other side and found the source of the voices.

\-------

Jinyoung and Wonho moved quickly through a couple basement rooms and it took them following a route for a bit to find what they were looking for. There were a couple small crates of food in one of the rooms. It was a relief to find something, Jinyoung didn’t feel much hunger until they began to search. He was sure one of the side effects of the drugs he was taking was that his appetite had decreased somewhat. 

The crates of food were full of mostly dried kinds of foods. Nuts, dried meats and some dried biscuits. The first thought they both had was to immediately bring it back to the others but they realized it could be poisoned. The other fear was that taking it would trigger some sort of trap. Anything that felt easy was a point of anxiety for Jinyoung. 

“How could we tell if it was poisoned?” Wonho asked. He hadn’t had experience with such things, Jinyoung was the one who thought of the possibility but he didn’t know how to test.

“I am not sure,” Jinyoung responded, “I’m not a poison expert.” If Jin had been there the other boy could have easily told them what to look for. 

“Great,” Wonho sighed, “we find a solution then stumble upon another potential problem.”

“That’s the nature of Yang’s games,” Jinyoung sighed. He had been growing tired of all of it for a long time but being trapped in the Capitol, he felt the exhaustion of the long war sinking into him. He wanted to rest, to sleep and try to forget his worries for just a bit.

“Well then,” Wonho said, “I guess we bring it with us and decide what to do after we get it to the others.” Jinyoung nodded, that probably was all they could do.

Jinyoung moved forward and began to sift through the crate carefully. He was searching for explosives or any other kind of trap that they might trigger by moving the crate. He hated how paranoid he’d become but he couldn’t help it.

“What are you doing?” Wonho asked him.

“Making sure we don’t die,” Jinyoung responded. He wasn’t really keen on dying before he got to see Yang die, nor did he want Wonho to die.

And as Jinyoung began to slowly move the box suddenly one of the doors on the opposite side of the room opened. Wonho moved his light towards it and Jinyoung ducked down fast, drew his bow and notched an arrow. He was expecting peacekeepers to start shouting and bullets to start flying but that’s not what happened.

He wasn’t expecting who he saw stepping through the door. His heart was pounding as the person he’d aimed his arrow at became clear to him and he was glad for a moment that he hadn’t shot first. The person in the doorway was one he’d planned on never seeing again.

Jaebeom. 

And behind him were others. Jinyoung lowered his bow.

“Don’t shoot!” Jackson shouted as he came through the door after Jaebeom. Jinyoung stood up off the ground where he’d knelt for cover. His eyes locked with Jaebeom’s eyes.

He was in shock, seeing the elder hadn’t been a part of his plan. Jaebeom was there in the middle of the war zone, not in the hospital where Jinyoung was certain he would have been staying for a long time still. Jaebeom had come for him. The others as well, they’d all chased after him and he didn’t know how he felt about it. Everything inside him was such a mess.

He noticed Jin, Hoseok and Yoongi but only barely because Jaebeom rushed to him.

Jaebeom had him in his arms so quickly, Jinyoung was pulled forward into Jaebeom’s strong grip. Jaebeom leaned his forehead against Jinyoung’s shoulder and Jinyoung stood numb in shock. Jinyoung felt the emotion of the moment threaten to overwhelm him but there was a substance in his system blocking what he was feeling.

Jaebeom had come after him. That thought was in his head and what should have been overwhelming was nothing in his brain but a point of confusion. After all that was said and all that happened it didn’t make sense to him that Jaebeom would put himself at risk. Jaebeom didn’t care, Jaebeom hadn’t cared for a long time. That was what Jinyoung had believed when he’d run away. He hadn’t wanted to face any of it ever again, he was supposed to die never having to resolve what hurts he had.

But the way Jaebeom held him… Jinyoung felt Jaebeom’s body shaking, he felt tears, Jaebeom was crying and holding onto him so tight. 

“Well good to finally find you!” Jackson said loudly. 

Jinyoung was distracted for a moment, trying so hard not to process things that hurt and burned inside him. His arms hung limp at his sides. His hands clutching his bow, an arrow because he’d been ready to fight his enemies but not ready to fight his friends. 

“Where are the others?” Hoseok asked Wonho. Jinyoung had almost forgotten about the others they’d left behind. 

It would be a fight ahead to keep his path forward. He hadn’t wanted his friends to chase after him, he knew that but he couldn’t be angry that they had but he hadn’t wanted it. He knew what was about to happen, that they would try to intervene and control him. They would try to save him when there was nothing left to save.

“The others are a few rooms away,” Wonho said, Jinyoung was trying not to get lost in his head but he couldn’t help where his thoughts were going. His mind was a whirlwind, the truth of everything was crashing around him.

Jinyoung was pulled away from his attention on their conversation by Jaebeom moving. He moved back his arms still around Jinyoung. He looked into Jinyoung’s eyes and Jinyoung could see the red of Jaebeom’s eyes as he had been crying. Jinyoung took a shuttered breath and looked away, he didn’t want to think about the things he’d said and done. He had intentionally pushed back to lash out and hurt the person he loved because he’d been hurt. He felt like a wounded animal caught in a trap with his hunter right in front of him. He couldn’t escape anymore.

“Please Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said softly, “don’t ever run away from me like that again.”

Jinyoung couldn’t say anything, he couldn’t promise anything. He couldn’t nod or agree that he would listen. He knew too well how many things were working to destroy him. He considered himself already dead, just walking through the motions of his final chapter.

He would run away again. His mind was already thinking of how best to escape now that he had 5 new problems in front of him. Jinyoung had to get away from them somehow. They couldn’t be with him no matter how much a part of him he wanted them to be. They couldn’t go all the way to the end with him, because they were supposed to survive to see the world that Jinyoung was trying to build.

He didn’t say anything back, he didn’t make any promises. He didn’t push Jaebeom away nor return his embrace. He just stood numbed down to the reality of what was around him. Jinyoung didn’t want to pull Jaebeom closer only to break him when he did walk away again.

Jinyoung hardly could see what was going on as he began to disassociate from what was around him. The group had started to move and he moved as Jaebeom moved. Jaebeom wouldn’t let go of him as they walked back towards the others.

The news of what happened to Shownu, Minhyuk and Fei was shared with the others. He felt the sadness of it still interrupting his heartbeats or maybe that was just his withdrawal was really beginning to hit him. He needed another dose but everything was more complicated with so many eyes on him.

They made it back to the others and everyone was happy to find friends in the mess of what had happened that day. Everyone had opinions on what came next but Jinyoung was silent, avoiding the conversation even when he was asked several times what he thought. Jinyoung just wanted Jaebeom to let go of him for a moment so he could take a moment to take his medication. But Jaebeom wasn’t letting go.

Jin wanted to talk to him too and he knew exactly what Jin would want to speak about. Jinyoung didn’t want to talk to them. He got himself out of Jaebeom’s grip and shrunk back into a corner of the room. He curled in on himself overwhelmed by what everything meant. He slipped a single pill from his pocket and took it try in small seconds when he was sure no one was watching.

Jinyoung didn’t want to know anything else. He was beginning to shut down inside himself and the substance helped calm the racing of his heart. Hiis mind was blanking out, overwhelmed. They shouldn’t have been able to find him, Chae was supposed to make sure they weren’t able to follow him. They shouldn’t have followed him. He could hear his name but it sounded distant and he didn’t care.

He couldn’t feel them anymore.

He closed his eyes. It was becoming easier and easier to let go of consciousness. Maybe because each moment it was easier and easier for him to accept death.

His own. No one else’s.

No one else was allowed to die.

He was the only one who was allowed to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Please give comments and kudos.

**Author's Note:**

> The 4th story has begun. Thanks for sticking with me all this time. I put a lot of work into getting this chapter ready. I hope you enjoy everything I have planned as moving forward I hope to put out the best writing I can. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, please leave comments, kudos and bookmark this story.


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